Unsuitable (11 page)

She
wanted him to yawn and grumble and stumble awake and leave her alone with her
wicked feelings, all too soon with no knowledge of what he’d done to her.

That
would be best. She’d shake him awake. He’d apologise for falling asleep. He’d
mention Sky while he hunted for his shoes, and he’d be gone inside five minutes,
and she’d barely be breathing normally again with only half a night to compose
herself before he was back bringing the sea and the torture of wanting what she
could no longer keep hidden from herself, what she could never have.

She
lifted a hand towards him, then put it back in her lap. It would be better not
to touch him at all, not to always want to from this moment forward.

“Reece.”
She said it softly, barely competing with the TV. “Reece.” Louder. She came up
off her heels so she was just that bit closer. “Reece, wake up. I’m home.”

He
didn’t stir. The underside of his bicep was closest to her. She put a finger
out and traced a raised vein that ran from under his sleeve to behind the
pillow where his hand was. She kept her eyes on his face. His skin was warm, so
smooth. His body twitched and she snatched her hand away. But he slept on. “Reece,
are you awake?” He might as well have been drugged.

This
time she moved her finger to the strip of skin across his middle, ran it hip to
hip slowly across his body in the slash between his jeans and his t, in the intimate
dip of his belly. It made her gasp to feel the heat of him there, the flat
trail of hair. She had to close her eyes to handle the surge of feeling that
made her hand shake. She was wet and he was comatose and if he caught her she
had no explanation to give him. They’d need New Reece. And he could probably
take her house in compensation when he sued her for assault.

That
brought a new kind of chill. What was she doing? This wasn’t who she was. Sensible,
practical, organised Audrey didn’t spy on people, didn’t sexually harass her
sleep anesthetised employee.

She
sat back on her heels. “Reece. Wake up. You need to go home.” She said that
loudly. Then reached for the TV remote and turned the set off. He took a deep
breath and brought up one knee as if he was about to roll over onto his side. She
put her hand, palm flat to his chest. “Reece.” She pressed down, got sternum
and the curved half of his pec and she splayed her hand to feel the muscle of
him. “Reece.”

He
opened his eyes, closed them, opened them again, looked at her and smiled. She didn’t
move her hand so she felt the rumbly groan he made start in his chest and the
flex of his torso as he stretched. “Hi.”

She
took her hand away. She’d nearly wrapped her fingers in his shirt when he
smiled. She noticed the pins and needles in her ankle. “Sorry I’m so late.”

“Wow,
I really crashed, lights out.”

“I
had trouble waking you.” She looked away. Did he know what she’d done instead
of waking him? Was he making himself complicit?

“God.
Sorry. I didn’t mean to. I should’ve. Hey it’s—”

“It’s
really late, early. Don’t apologise. I’m the one in the wrong here.”

He
moved and it was like the whole world swapping axis, rotating the other way. He
swung his legs around and sat. His arms came out, his hands grasped her
forearms. “Audrey, are you okay?” He bent forward, brought his face near. “You’re
so pale. “ He frowned. “Did you eat? You should have something now. I can heat
some pasta. You’ve got to be kidding; you worked a sixteen hour day.”

Somehow
he got her off her knees onto her dead ankles while she declined the offer of
food. He should be gone. She could be cleaning her teeth, putting her head to
the pillow. He’d manoeuvred her to his side on the couch, his arm around her
back as if he thought she was fragile, as if he thought she might crumble and
she didn’t deserve his attention.

“Reece,
I’m fine.” He should go. She needed him to go.

“Of
course you are.” His fingers were at the back of her neck. “If you were
carrying your shoulders any higher you’d be deaf.”

It
hurt when he pressed the muscles of her neck and she winced.

“Yeah,
I know. Give me a few minutes. You’ll sleep better.”

“You
don’t. You should. Oh my goodness.” Her turn to groan from some hidden room of
hurt inside her chest where knowledge of muscular tension hid its song. She
should stand up. If she stood up, he’d know to go. She wouldn’t embarrass
herself any further by going limp, by breathing weirdly, by wanting him to go
on with the press of his big blunt fingers in the rigid column of her neck. Instead
of her feet engaging with the floor, her head dropped forward so he had better
access. It gave him what he wanted and she couldn’t be annoyed with that.

“That’s
better,” he said, sounding so pleased.

“You
don’t have to.”

“I
know. I try not to do things I don’t want to do. Short life and all that. I
don’t see the point in pretending to be someone I’m not.”

“A
man who loves children.”

“That’s
part of it.”

He
would make her whole body limp if she didn’t fight to stay awake. “Do you and
Sky talk about having a family?”

His
hands hesitated. “We don’t. I don’t think either of us believes we’re forever.”

“Oh,
Reece, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have pried like that. Left my diplomacy at work.”

“It’s
not a big deal. Truth is I’m not enough for Sky. She says I lack ambition.”

Audrey
turned her head so she could see his face. He didn’t look like he’d knifed his
own soul with that admission.

“Keep
your head turned like that.” He moved his fingers and found new tight points of
pain and she gasped. “Is what you do at work worth all this?” She opened her
mouth and he said. “You’ve lost weight. Your eyes aren’t clear. You need to
take better care of yourself.”

She
turned her head away. She hadn’t expected a lecture. She’d stand up. He moved
his hands again, did something so that her back was braced against his torso
and her knees became soggy noodles. He smelled of dishwashing detergent and
spray and wipe. He felt like security and comfort. She needed to remember who
they were to each other.

“Did
she give you any trouble going to bed?”

He
chuckled. “There was whispering in the wardrobe so that was an issue. Me and
the wardrobe had words. Then there was an ant. I never saw the ant, but it was troublesome,
a magic make you wide awake ant. But no, don’t worry. She’s such a good kid. But
she’s gone off drinking milk for some reason.”

“Worry
about that tomorrow.”

“Tomorrow.
Did you win at work?”

“A
small victory. Some workarounds, my main project is still in trouble.”

“You
need to sleep. You need to rest this weekend, one day to go. What if I took Mia
for you Saturday and you had a day to get a proper massage, have an afternoon
nap?”

She
broke away from his hands and turned to face him. “Reece, that’s not your job.”

His
chin came up, that stubborn set to his jaw. “Would it help?”

It
would be incredible but she wasn’t doing it. Too many lines crossed. “You’re
right, I’m horrifically tired and this problem at work is nowhere near fixed
yet. Merrill and Joe love to mind Mia, I can always ask them to take her for a
sleepover. Speaking of what’s not your job. Are you staying late in the
evenings because you want to or because you think I need you to?”

He
shrugged and it said, don’t make me be honest about that and it meant she had
to.

“Reece?”

“I
rarely do anything I don’t want to.”

“Reece.”

“I
don’t have to apologise for who I am with you.”

He
didn’t flinch from that, but she did. “Does she know how you feel?”

“I’m
not good at keeping secrets. I’m not one of those guys with deep dark intense
hidden feelings. There’s no mystery about me. This—what you see here, this meat
suit, this is me. Sky only wants the best for me, she’s thinking about the
future. Making me think about it, and what I think is, we will want to go to
different places with different people.”

“I’m
sorry.”

“Don’t
be. We’ve had a good time and maybe we can fix it. But if we can’t then it’ll
be because she doesn’t think I’m good enough for her.”

Audrey
drew her knees up under her and turned into Reece. She put both hands to his
face, moved her thumb on his cheek and felt the bristles there. “You do know
you’re superb. Mia loves you. I can’t do without you. We’ve both fallen in love
with you.” She searched his eyes for defeat but didn’t find it. She wanted to
crawl into his lap. “Everything about you.”

He
looked shocked and she moved her hands away. She was so tired and he was so
much, too much, but she had to make him understand. “You know what I mean. You’ve
made my life easy, the perfect employee.”

He
squeezed her hands back. “Right, yeah.” He pulled away. “I knew that’s what you
meant. I should go. You need to sleep.” He stood. He was telling her this was
over. “Promise me you’ll talk to Merrill and Joe about taking Mia the weekend.”

She
stood with him. Watched him yawn and stretch, arms out wide, his huge chest
lifting with the arch of his spine. Would it be terribly wrong to hug him? She
could simply walk into his open arms and wrap herself around him. “I will.”

He
collected his shoes, his bag, his beach towel and car keys and she walked him
to the door. She held it open for him, shivering in a blast of cooler air
coming from outside.

He
stood in the threshold and hesitated. “Sleep well. I’ll see you in a few hours.”

He
looked at her as if he might want to touch her. He lifted his hand and she
tensed. “Thank you for staying with Mia, and for the neck rub.”

He
adjusted the strap of his bag on his shoulder and gave her a nod. She watched
him go, weaving on her feet, slightly sick to the stomach from tiredness and
the weight of the knowledge of how badly she’d wanted to kiss him, and the
appalling notion he wanted to kiss her too.

11:     Moody Blues

Junna
handed Reece a takeaway coffee and he could’ve kissed her. She glanced towards
Mia, digging with her spade in the sand with Toby, the boy she nannied. “Did Mia
muck up? You look like you had a hard night.”

He
took the lid off the cup so he could get the smell as well as the taste of the
coffee. “Audrey had a very late night at work. I didn’t get much sleep.”

He’d
crept in, trying not to wake Sky, but that crapped up. She’d grumbled at him
about being taken advantage of and he’d stared at the ceiling for an age and woken
with a headache, after what felt like five minutes sleep, too tired for his
usual run.

“Audrey
works too hard,” said Carrie, taking a seat beside him on big rug they had laid
out on the sand under the shade tent. Her daughter, Eugenia, was jumping waves
at the shore with Hailey and Tatum. It was hot and he was sweating and he’d
have given anything to take his shirt off and catch some rays, but he didn’t fancy
the stir that’d cause. He’d have given more to crash out and catch another hour
or two of sleep. None of the others would mind watching Mia. He might be less
grumpy if he could shut his eyes for a bit.

Carrie,
rubbed lotion on her arm. “She’s trying to beat the men at their own game. But
you can’t have everything.”

He
resented that on Audrey’s behalf. On Charlie’s. On his own. “Why shouldn’t she
have the same career a man does?” He clocked Carrie a look. “Am I the only
feminist here?”

Junna
laughed. “Got nothing to do with feminism. Audrey’d have to be Superwoman.”

“Well,
she has a sidekick.” Carrie nudged him with her elbow. “And Reece more useful
than Graham.” She adjusted the brim of her hat. “So she can try.”

He
shifted on the rug to put a little more distance between him and Carrie. Junna
put Toby’s hat back on. He took it off with a sly look, hoping she wouldn’t
notice. She put it on again. “Leave it on, you’ll get sunburnt.”

Toby
said, “I’m telling Mum you were mean to me.” He flicked sand at Junna with the
tip of his spade.

Junna
folded her arms and glared at him. “See where it gets you, bruiser.”

“Reece
is mean to me all the time.” Mia giggled. “Morning, doona, night.”

There
was laughter. A month or so ago maybe there would’ve been an awkward silence, a
sly call to Audrey to check in. Now there wasn’t an adult here who didn’t know
this was your average lying three year old in action.

“Noon.”

A
comedian on a good thing, Mia looked him in the eye and repeated, “Morning,
doona, night,” then beamed at them all from under her hat. She was slathered in
sunblock and wore her fairy dress over a sunsuit. There wasn’t much life left
in that fairy dress and that was going to be a problem.

Junna
reached down and gave the brim of Mia’s hat a tug. “My kid’s a bad influence on
yours.”

The
hole Toby and Mia had made was big enough for one of them to get into now, but
not big enough to contain all the annoyance Reece felt building in his chest,
despite the comic interruption.

“Thought
Audrey was insane when she hired you,” said Carrie. “Asking for trouble.” Reece
took a breath, took a large swallow of the cooled coffee and tried not to
react. “I have a friend who is a cop, works child protection. She sees all the
nastiest stuff. She thought Audrey was crazy too.”

“Fu—”
He had to bite back the swear word and pitch his voice low. “Far out.” This was
worse than incompetent, out of place. “You thought I was some child molesting paedophile.
You thought Audrey would do that.” He put a hand down to lever himself off the
sand. This was it for playgroup. He’d stuck with it because Mia loved it,
because he’d gotten used to it too, because Audrey didn’t insist, but he knew
she thought it was good for Mia, but he was done being their poster boy for
different.

Carrie
put her hand on his shoulder. “I was worried. I’m not now. I had it wrong. I’m
trying to apologise, Reece.”

He
sipped his coffee and didn’t respond, but he didn’t leave the blanket either. Toby
got in the hole and pushed at the sand with his legs to make more space.

“I
also tried to hit on you and I shouldn’t have done that either.”

Junna
adjusted the brim of her own hat. “I’d have hit on you too, but Carrie has
game.”

“And
you’re right, Audrey is entitled to have what the men get at work. That’s all I
was trying to do. I know my husband has affairs.” She shrugged. “What’s good
for the goose. But you’re not my gander, Reece, and I’m sorry I made you
uncomfortable. Story of my life. Women generally hate me and I make nice men anxious
because I like sex and I don’t think it all has to happen inside a marriage.”

Reece
looked at Carrie though the tinted lenses of his sunnies. She was a sexy woman,
slim, blonde, botoxed. Older than Audrey. The tits weren’t real, but they were
impressive. “You have an open marriage?”

She
laughed. “Open to interpretation. Graham is much older than me, but he dallies
with his assistants. He was single a long time before we married and that’s
what he always did. I knew he wouldn’t change. I have a great life. I waited a
long time to find it. I have everything I could want and he loves me. We work. I
forgive his trespasses and he doesn’t need to know about mine.”

“Let’s
hear it for double standard.” Junna laughed.

“Not
really. He knows I’m not entirely faithful. He doesn’t want the details and
neither do I. You’re wrong if you think it’s unusual.”

“Go
faster, Mia,” said Toby.

“I’m
almost sure Tim Sinclair had an affair. I think it’s why the move to London is
on.” Junna shook herself. “I couldn’t do it. I want the one.” She flicked sand
at Reece. “Is Sky your one?”

Mia
was burying Toby now, like Reece wanted to bury the conversation. “I’m going to
find out where the others are, what’s taking so long with lunch.”

“Chicken.”
Junna mouthed the shit on the end.

Mia
looked up. “Can I have a chicken sandwich?”

“Can
I have a chickenshit sandwich,” said Toby.

Junna
clasped her hands over her mouth and mumbled to herself. Mia looked at Toby
confused, looked at Reece. He hoped she didn’t add that word to her fast growing
vocab.

“Maria
and Janine are bringing lunch.” He scooted forward and made a sand pillow for
Toby’s head to rest on. “Arms in or out?” Toby put his arms by his side. “You
won’t be able to scratch your nose. If a fly lands on you, you won’t be able to
wave it away.” Toby might as well learn about not getting everything he wanted,
when he wanted it, right now.

Toby
reached up and pulled sand in on himself. “I don’t care.”

Reece
wished he didn’t. Not caring would be easier. Had to be the lack of sleep, no
exercise, the sun making him crabby. Or it was the assumption that he’d cheat
on Sky with Carrie, that he was letting Audrey use him, that Audrey was somehow
wrong for thinking she could be a single mum and have a family and a career. That
he was suspect for wanting to be a nanny. That he would always have to prove he
wasn’t. That equality was a joke, and there were still different rules for men
and women.

Mia
buried Toby shovelful, by shovelful. The boy wiggled, impatient to be entombed.

He
thought about the way Audrey relaxed into his body when he massaged her neck. And
when she’d put her hands on his face, he’d had to think about dirty nappies and
cleaning up vomit to stop himself from folding her into his arms. She worked so
hard, she looked so worn and in need of comfort and he could do that for her. He
wanted to do that for her.

Something
passed between them last night and he didn’t know what to make of it. Maybe it
was that they were both half asleep. Maybe that’s all it was, a moment out of
place. Still, he hadn’t wanted to leave her, and though he felt bad about
upsetting Sky, he couldn’t sort out the reason. He hadn’t done anything wrong. Certainly
not by Carrie’s standards.

Mia
had buried Toby to his waist, his hands locked under the sand. “I’m going to
need to vacuum the car again,” said Junna.

Reece
sat back on his heels. Any minute now Toby would discover he was good and stuck
and want to get out. Crossing over with Audrey this morning had been a blur. She
wouldn’t make eye contact. Mia was having a fit about a tear in her fairy
dress. She wanted it sewn up. Audrey was paler than ever. They’d passed in the
hallway with hardly a word, except her promise not to be late while Mia stomped
about crying. He’d glued the dress, his big fingers no good with fine needles
and made Mia laugh by pretending to stick his fingers together. He wished he’d
been able to make her mother laugh too.

“Tantrum
in five, four, three,” said Junna, and Toby erupted, tossing his head,
launching a storm of wriggling to shift the sand. He was locked in torso deep
and screamed at the injustice of it. Mia moved away, eyeing him with suspicion.
The guys at the shore turned to see who was being killed

Reece
stood, grabbed Toby under the arms and hauled him out of his sand grave,
putting him on his feet well away from the hole where he stood panting,
hatless, a tear streaked face.

Toby
looked at Mia. “Do it again.”

They
were saved that treat by lunch arriving and while the kids were still eating,
sucking on juice bottles, and kicking sand at each other, Reece excused himself
to go for a run. If he couldn’t sleep, moving might help nix his mood. He took
his shirt off and no one even glanced at him. He was such a dickhead for
thinking they’d make a thing of it.

He
went down to the hard packed sand at the shoreline. He’d do two or three quick
laps and then they’d move to the playground before going off in their separate
directions for another week. He got half a lap done before he heard someone
coming up behind him. The feet drew closer and Carrie came up beside him. They
ran a lap together, not talking. She was fit, had no trouble keeping up with
him.

When
they stopped at the end closest to where the others were, she said, “I’m not
sorry.”

He
looked back towards the group. “About what?”

“About
wanting to sleep with you.”

He
was glad for his sunnies. “I don’t know what you want me to say. You know I
live with Sky.”

“I
know you’re not married to her. I know you’re young and gorgeous and life is
short. I know you’re a great nanny and I’m sorry I doubted you.”

“As
soon as people get that I’m the nanny not the dad, they doubt me. It’s all over
their faces.”

“I
know and I’m sorry about that too. People are shit.” She put her hand on his
arm and he realised how close they were standing.

“Audrey
said you’d try to seduce me.”

Carrie
laughed. “She rang and told me to lay off, but I think you can make your own
decisions.”

He
looked down at his feet, buried in the wet sand. He could do this. Hero points
with Polly. Sky wouldn’t have to know. No one had to know. Last night he’d
wanted to kiss Audrey, pick her up and take her to bed, spoon around her as she
slept. He couldn’t have thoughts like that and be faithful to Sky. Or keep his
job. He could exhaust them on Carrie’s body instead. It was a reasonable
solution to keep everything else in balance.

He
shook his head. This used to be easier. Before Sky he wasn’t that scrupulous. Before
Audrey he wasn’t restless.

Carrie
stepped closer. She kissed his shoulder. “You know where to find me.”

She
ran back the way they’d come and he followed, her open invitation tucked in his
conscience where it irritated. He was a prick to even think about other women
when he had Sky. He needed to get his head on straight and sort it out with
her. She was the best thing that had happened to him. He loved her and they
could make it work.

He
got back in time to help the group pack up. He carried the tent and two
scooters, plus the rest of Mia’s gear. On the walkway, the scooters were
claimed, helmets were clipped on. They made their way to the park, letting the
kids ride, race each other, double back, laughing. Mia fell off, went down on
her bum and got back up again without a pause. More of her skirt was torn. He’d
need to get the glue out again. Eugenia ran into a light pole and knocked her
helmet off. It was nothing out of the ordinary until Toby face planted the
concrete. A clipped wheel, a divot in the concrete, something made him tip
forward. He wasn’t screaming but Junna, who was on him in a heartbeat, was. There
was a lot of blood, on Toby, on her.

“Hailey,
get my stuff. I need a towel. Carrie is there any ice left? Toby, Toby, you’re
all right. Someone bring my car.”

Reece
dropped his armloads and went to Junna. She rocked Toby in her arms. He’d either
bitten his tongue or put a tooth through his lip. He was holding his breath in
shock, going blue. Reece shouted at him and he burst into tears, dragging in
big gulps of breath though his bloody mouth. Mia held onto his leg, hands
dragging on his boardies.