Waiting on the Sidelines (7 page)

“Hey, you should start your warm ups. I’m gonna go pick a seat to watch your race, k?” he said, his hand softly resting on my arm.

“Sounds good. Wish me luck,” I smiled, turning to jog away.
What was happening?

I took a few practice starts and did a few sprints and knee-highs across the middle of the field before I sat down and started stretching near the shot put area. I watched Reed take his first throw, bending down, his sweats pushed up to his knees revealing his solid calf muscles and long legs. He twisted as he shuffled forward and released the weighted ball through the air. He turned around with a grin and high-fived some guy on the other team, letting out a ‘Woooooo!’

He caught my eyes on him and came over to where I was stretching.

“Did you see that? Twenty eight feet! Not bad, huh?” he boasted.

“That’s awesome. See, I knew you’d be good at this,” I smiled. He smiled back, dimples creasing his cheeks as he knelt down to sit next to me. My heart raced a bit, something that it hadn’t done in months, and I was caught off guard. He looked around for a few minutes while I stretched, almost as if he wanted to say something. Finally, he blurted it out. “You know Sean likes you, right?” he said, seemingly waiting for my reaction.

“Uhm,… Tatum sort of said something. And I am starting to get an idea, yeah,” I looked up, almost wanting him to tell me what to do. And deeper down wanting him to tell me that Sean wasn’t good enough for me and that he was the only boy I should ever kiss.
Stop being ridiculous.

“He’s a good guy. I just wanted you to know,” he said, standing up and walking away. He looked over his shoulder at the last minute and threw in, “hey, good luck!” with a wink.

I won my race. I think I let the distraught confusion in my gut fuel my speed, because I pulled out a personal best time, just under 60 seconds. The sun was setting when we were packing up our camp and getting ready to board the bus. Sean had finished third in his mile race, which was pretty good for a field of 15. He was one of the last to run so he was still getting his gear packed and changing his shirt when most of the team was boarding the bus. I wasn’t really watching where I was going when I turned to leave the confines of under the bleachers and nearly ran into a kissing Reed and Tatum. “Oh, sorry. I wasn’t looking,” I said, embarrassed and stung again at the visual reminder.

I was one of the last to board the bus, when I made a spur of the moment decision so completely out of character for me. Sean was standing a few feet behind me with his bag slung over his shoulder. I looked up into the bus window and saw Tatum snuggled into Reed and turned to face Sean, walking right up to him without missing a beat, kissing him full on the lips, from my tip toes and my hand grabbing the back of his neck. That was it, my first kiss. I had spent it now. Sean looked at me with wide eyes, biting the corner of his lip to suppress a big grin.

“So, wanna sit by me?” I asked, riding out my brief moment of confidence and caution-to-the-wind.

“Oh yeah,” he said, taking my hand and pulling me on the bus. We settled in a few rows ahead and across the aisle from Tatum and Reed. I put my feet up across the aisle and leaned my head on Sean’s chest and put my headphones in. He stroked my hair, tucking it behind my ear for the entire four-hour trip home. I pretended to have fallen asleep, but was acutely aware of what I had started and pondered if I was ready for or even wanted it. Finally, relenting that it was too late now, I decided to give it, meaning dating Sean, a try.

The summer flew by. Sean and Reed had spent most of the summer at a football camp up north and I dedicated myself to complete couch-potato status. It helped that I spent a weekend or two with my grandparents in the Valley and most other days I was with Sienna and Sarah. Sarah couldn’t believe I was dating Sean, but she was in full support of me getting the most of it, trying to push me beyond the comfortable make-out sessions I had kept things to before he left for camp.

I talked to Sean a few times a week while he was at camp, finding myself eager to hear stories about Reed as well. I knew that wasn’t the right way to feel, but after trying to talk myself out of it for two weeks I decided it wasn’t the worst indulgence to allow myself.

The boys were coming back from camp just in time to start official practice at school and I was getting ready for tryouts myself. Tatum had been friendly over the summer, inviting me to open gym volleyball sessions at the school and working with me to improve my hitting before the school year started so I could make the varsity team. I still felt like there was a certain manipulation to everything Tatum was doing, so I kept my guard up. But I took advantage of her help anyhow.

It was a text from Reed that first alerted me that the boys were back.

We’re at my house – pool party! Bring your suit, and tell the girls

I knew he meant Sienna and Sarah, so I called them and begged them to come along. I was feeling a little unsteady about being around Sean after so long apart. I was also feeling a little strange about seeing Reed.

Calley picked us up and drove us to Reed’s house. I had just cut my hair into long layers, but it wouldn’t all fit in a pony tail, so I had small pieces that fell along the side of my face. I wore my gray sporty two-piece swimsuit with a pair of board shorts over the bottoms, still not confident in my curvier body.

As we pulled up, the boys were all gathered around a Jeep in front of the main garage. I was barely out of the car when Sean swooped me up and lifted me with a hug, twirling us around. “I missed my girl,” he said, his lips completely taking me by surprise. I forgot how easy he was to kiss and was instantly back in form. Dizzy from the spinning, I tapped him on the shoulder to put me down and smiled.

“Oh, sorry. I was a little excited to see you,” he said, sneaking in one more kiss on the side of my neck, his finger moving a curl of hair out of the way. “I love your hair.”

He was so affectionate and attentive. I was willing my heart to swoon as I reached down and held his hand. “Hey, come check out Reed’s new ride,” he said, pulling me over to the Jeep.

“Jeep? Not a Buick?” I laughed. Reed smiled as he hopped out of the driver’s seat and walked around to the front where I was standing. “Nah, I wanted a Jeep. My dad got a hell of a deal, though,” he laughed.

Reed’s 16
^th
birthday was just a few weeks away. I was pretty sure that I would not be getting a Jeep for my birthday, embarrassed at the thought of what I would be pulling up to school in. That is, if I had a car to drive at all. I was more likely to be doomed to rides with Sarah and the bus for the rest of my teen years.

We followed the guys inside where bowls of chips and ice chests filled with sodas filled the kitchen. I saw Buck outside on the grill wearing shorts with his shirt off. His belly falling way beyond his waistband and the white of sunscreen not fully rubbed in on his head and chest. Tatum was sitting on a lounge chair outside by the pool rubbing lotion into her legs. She called for me to come sit next to her when I came through the door. Our relationship was truly strange.

“So, are you going to sleep with Sean?” she asked, not even easing me into it. I spit a little soda through my nose as I choked.

“I’m sorry?” I responded with shock.

“You’ve been going out for a few months now, I just figured maybe you were going to or already have,” she continued putting lotion on as if this conversation was no big deal.

“Hmm,” I paused. “Well, we haven’t. And I don’t know. I’m a little… old fashioned, I guess?”

She smiled with a little giggle, winked at me and stood up to walk over to Reed at the outside bar. I watched her in awe of her confidence and maturity. She put her arm around Buck, laughing at something he said. I would never be able to have that relationship with him, and I was stunned by it. I still hadn’t brought Sean over to meet my parents. Mostly because I didn’t like people seeing my house, especially when they lived in the big ranch houses and wouldn’t have the same appreciation of my dad’s hand-built BBQ and porch swing.

I saw Sean across the pool and decided to let myself try to fall a little more in love with him. I walked around the pool and put my arms around his neck, making a pouty face at his root beer, which of course he gave to me immediately. He stared at me as I drank for a few seconds and then all of a sudden, a flash of concern washed over his face. “Oh my gosh, put that down, hurry!” He was so urgent, I dropped the can in the grass afraid there was a bee on the can or something. Without missing a beat, Sean swung his arms under my legs and lifted me up, running full force at the pool and jumping, taking both of us in. I screamed when we hit the water from the chill and grabbed the clip from my hair, dunking my head back to get my hair clear of my eyes.

“You!” I teased, splashing him in the face. He pulled me into his arms and kissed me, then stopped and looked me in the eyes. “You’re so god damned beautiful.” Then he kissed me again, and a hint of butterflies took over in my chest.

The first game of the season was packed more than normal. We were starting the season with a rematch against Valley Christian and the entire town wanted revenge. Sarah had taken over the task of sneaking us in, easily manipulating the freshman boys working the snack bar into opening the gate for us. We found a spot in the stands near the press box and I saw Buck sitting with a few older men just a few rows down. Feeling confident I walked down and tapped him on the shoulder.

“Mr. Johnson? I’m Nolan, we’ve met a few times. I’m friends with…” he cut me off immediately and grabbed my hand with a shake and brought me in for a hug. “Of course, Nolan. I remember you. How you been? You should come by the house more – my son seems to get better grades when you’re around,” he laughed. I smiled back and nodded as I headed back to my seat, not truly sure what he meant. Reed’s GPA was almost as high as mine, in fact I think I was number two in our class and he was number three or four. Shrugging it all off, I took my seat.

“Those are scouts,” Tatum whispered in my ear as she sat down behind me. “They aren’t supposed to be here yet, but they’re personal friends with Buck, so that’s how he gets away with it.”

I smiled with wide eyes, a little uncomfortable knowing that much information. I turned my attention back to the field for the rest of the game. Sean made two amazing catches in the end zone to score their first 14 points of the half. I worked to keep my focus on Sean and was excited when I caught his eyes as he took his helmet off and turned to face the crowd as they ran in for half time. His smile stretched his entire face and then he blew a quick kiss before taking off. I was blushing when I caught a glimpse of Reed’s eyes as well. They looked… troubled. I wasn’t sure why, but I wanted to fix whatever it was.

The Bears ended up winning 21 to 7 and everyone was pumped to celebrate. I had promised Sean I would go to the desert party with him, so I rode with Calley, Sarah and Sienna. We sat on the hood of the car watching the dust fill the air as the various headlights highlighted it through the desert brush. The smell of alcohol started to fill the air in an instant and I pulled out my own cooler, better prepared than I was last year.

Sienna and I clicked our water bottles together in tradition as the first trucks of players started pulling in. Sean was in the back of Cole’s pickup truck and jumped over the side as soon as it stopped, running over to me and picking me up and carrying me through the middle of the lot and into the desert brush. “Sorry, super hyper and couldn’t wait to see you,” he smiled. “Did you see that game? I was good, right?”

He was talking a mile a minute and his body and hair was still warm and damp from his shower. I could feel his shoulder muscles under my fingers as I slid them to his back and tiptoed up to kiss him. He reached around and lifted me up so I could reach his lips and hair, tangling my hands in the wet strands. He walked me backwards until I was sitting on the hood of a truck. I laughed inside realizing I had become one of those couples that made me feel so uncomfortable the year before.

Things stayed heated for about the first hour as we kissed and Sean ran his hands over my thighs and around the back of my shorts, grabbing my butt and pulling me close to him. I was nervous but also felt a bit of a thrill, so I let myself go for a while until we were both nearly dehydrated from the heat and the make out session.

“I’ll be right back,” Sean said, kissing me one more time so hard that my head leaned back.

I rubbed my lips as he walked away, they were actually raw. I slid from the hood of the truck and was straightening myself up a bit when Reed slid into me with a bump. “Heya,” he said, crooking the side of his mouth into a dimple. “Missed ya, how’s it going?”

A little rattled by what he said, I shook my head and blinked my eyes a few times. “Uh, good. Hey, great game! Those were some pretty spot-on passes! Gutsy!” I said, knowing that he was really the orchestrator of the great catches that Sean was riding high on.

“Oh, yeah. Thanks! Well… I knew my dad had some friends in the stands, so I wanted to put on a show,” he looked at me, his eyes a little troubled.

“Yeah, I … uh, saw them,” I responded, showing I understood what he meant.

“You know, I could get in serious trouble if anyone said anything about my dad meeting with those guys. It’s all pretty harmless, right now. But if someone took something the wrong way, or made up something just to embellish the story a little, that would be it,” he looked frightened, and I understood the look on his face. For the first time ever, Reed was wearing anxiety. It was a look I knew all too well. I just wasn’t accustomed to seeing it in his eyes.

“Hey, hey,” I said, pulling his sleeve to get his attention, reaching my arms around him to hug him. “Seriously, this kinda thing goes on everywhere, every game, all the time. I promise. I know, because we had people over for dinner a lot when my brother was graduating. And I know in the city it’s waaaay worse. So don’t worry, ok?” I tried to reassure him.

“You’re right; it’s just starting so early. I guess… I just… I want this all too much, you know?” he hugged a little tighter, digging his chin into my shoulder and letting out a deep breath. The wind was knocked out of me at his vulnerability. I let him go just before Sean walked around the front of the truck with a water bottle for me, relieved that no one had seen our exchange. I don’t know why I felt that I had to hide it, but I expected it had something to do with the aching in my heart when he squeezed me in his arms.

“Hey, man” Sean said, reaching for knuckles from Reed. “Nice tosses tonight. Seriously, it was like pulling apples from a tree, man. Perfect!”

I was comforted to hear Sean praise Reed so. He was a good guy. My stomach twisted a little at my position, and I pushed it down to ignore it.

“Thanks, man. Hey, I’ll see you at films tomorrow, ok?” Reed said, walking back to the center of the party and putting his arm around Tatum, who was eyeing me suspiciously. I decided to play dumb and just smiled back and gave Sean a squeeze to throw her off of my scent. It seemed to work when she held up her beer and smiled at me.

Sean opted for water only so he could drive me home. He walked me to my door and kissed me good night at about 1 a.m. I told my parents that I was going to the tailgating party after the game, but didn’t bring up the alcohol. I knew it would worry them, or they wouldn’t let me go. And I was always going to be responsible, so I didn’t see the need. I watched as he ran down my steps and gravel driveway and pulled away in Cole’s truck. He would be taking home a lot of the guys tonight, I suspected.

I washed my face and tiptoed into my room, shutting the door and turning on my lamp for a little light. I sat on the end of my bed pulling off my shoes and pulling my shirt over my head. I pulled on my XL overly worn Dr. Suess T-shirt and kicked off my shorts and pulled up a pair of cut-off sweats. I clicked off the light and lay on top of my covers, still mulling the night over in my head when the ceiling lit up from my phone. It was a text from Reed.

Hey, you up?

I stared at it for a minute or two before replying. I wasn’t sure why I was hesitating, but something about it felt like I was hiding something from Sean.

Yep. Wide awake. What’s up?

I held the phone in my hand, willing a response to pop up on my screen.

Just feeling a little … blah. Can you talk?

I took a deep breath.

Sure.

And instantly my phone vibrated with his call. I let out a heavy sigh and settled into my pillow. “Hey, what’s going on?” I asked.

“Hey. Thanks for talking. I know it’s super late. I just wanted to say thanks, you know, for earlier?”

He didn’t seem drunk. I wondered if he had left Tatum at the party early. “Sure. You know, we’re friends, and I care about you a lot,” I cringed hearing the words come out of my mouth. I felt stupid for saying them, half because of how pompous and insincere they always sound and half because I cared about him more than a lot.