Waiting on the Sidelines (11 page)

Two weeks had passed since my breakdown in front of Reed. He hadn’t texted me or stopped by to visit, and I kept our conversations to short ‘hellos’ and ‘see you at practices’ in class. I watched him when he was with Tatum in the halls. He was often staring off in the distance, completely detached from her and whatever she was saying to her faithful groupies.

Becky and I were hanging out more, which was nice. I liked her, and so did Sienna and Sarah. The four of us were sitting in the grass at the front of the school while Becky and I went through our gym bags one last time to make sure we had everything for the last track meet of the year. It was against Globe High School in the mountains to the east, and the bus trip would be long and cold.

Sarah was regaling us with some story about a boy she hooked up with from Phoenix over the weekend and we were all giggling and smiling. For the first time in days I felt like a normal girl, weight lifted from my chest. But the ache was still there. I had yet to break things off with Sean, although I barely spoke to him any more and our phone conversations were few and far between. Other than holding hands between a few classes, all evidence of our romance was extinct. It was just a matter of time. Either way, I needed to have a conversation with him. I owed him that.

Reed and Sean were walking down the hill from the gym to where the bus was. “Hey, come on ladies. We’re loading,” Reed said, waving his hands. Sean stood next to him, smiling at me, but knowingly.

Becky and I grabbed our stuff and jogged over to meet them. Tatum was already holding a seat for Reed in the back, and he headed back there to sit by her. Sean picked a seat a few rows ahead of her. I didn’t want to be that close to them, but I also didn’t want to show the cracks in my armor.

“Here, let me toss your bag up on the bars,” Sean said, taking my bag from me and putting it up on the railing shelf.

“Wait! Can you grab my headphones? I want to listen to some music,” I asked. He stared silently for a moment. We would not be talking. Again. I know what he is thinking.

“Sure, hang on,” he said, sliding the zipper just enough to pull my headphones and iPod out. He handed it to me and slid down next to me. I picked a playlist and turned the volume up just enough to drown out everyone else as the bus pulled from the parking lot onto the main drag through town. I pulled my knees up and sunk down a bit to keep my body hidden from the presence I still felt behind me. Tatum hadn’t done anything in days. But it didn’t matter. I was always on edge.

When Sean reached for my hand, I flinched a little. But he held on anyhow. He played with my fingers as I shut my eyes and feigned sleep. It’s not that I was ignoring his touch. But rather, I couldn’t feel it. I was angry at myself for how I was treating Sean and the more he tried to hold on to a piece of me, the more I pulled away. Finally, after a few minutes, I turned my body so my back was to the window and my legs were bent up in front of me, so I was facing Sean. He winced a little, looked down and then patted the tops of my shoes. Reaching down to his bag, he pulled his headphones out, put some music on and shut his eyes in pretend as well.

The drive to Globe was nearly two hours. We were starting to climb through the mountains when I noticed the chill coming in through the windows. It was only four in the afternoon and already the winds were freezing. I slid my back up along the window, careful not to alert Sean, and looked along the bars for my bag. There wasn’t much room up there, so he had put it a little farther back in the bus. When I located it I dropped my gaze to see who I could ask to pass it along to me and locked eyes with Tatum, smirking.

“Cold,” she mouthed.

I just gave her a careful nod, and motioned at my bag above her, not fathoming what she would do next. Her smile was venomous as she stepped into the aisle and slid the zipper on my bag slowly. Reed was involved in a video game and paying no attention to her as she pulled out my sweatshirt and sweat pants. She slid back in to sit along the window and then set them on her lap, out of my sight.

I gave her a pleading look. I was so cold already. She lit up with a fake friendly face and reached up to drop the locks on her window. In an instant, she flung my warm clothing out of the bus, dropping it on the side of the desert highway somewhere outside Globe. In seconds she had the window closed again and she was staring at me with narrowed eyes and a mischievous grin.

I sat there staring at her for minutes, my mouth agape. Before this, everything she did was underhanded. But this was so forward. So obvious. Such an attack. I couldn’t cry. I was too shocked. I turned back in my seat and slid back into position and put my music on. I was going to freeze and it was going to be terrible, but I would live through it. With one small action, Tatum had won this round.

I grabbed my suddenly lighter bag from the bus and hurried down the aisle to the steps. I climbed out and waited while Sean stood by the side of the bus where they loaded the poles for vaulting. When he had his equipment we both walked to the center of the track and dropped our things to set up camp with everyone else. Tatum and her groupies were already running their warm up lap. Sean tugged at my pinky to get my attention.

“Wanna run? It’s good to keep warm,” he smiled. He had no idea.

I followed him over to the track and then like clockwork we set our steps in sync as we made our way around for a lap. My heart rate was up, and that was helping. It was two hours from now that worried me, though. We stepped back into the grass and started our stretching. I caught a glimpse of Reed and my eyes followed him as he took his lap around the track. With each bend to stretch I picked him up, following his movement as he rounded one end of the track and made his way towards us. I looked over at Sean and gulped when I saw him staring at me… staring at Reed. He looked at Reed and then back to me, nodding once. Knowing.

Reed came up and sat down to stretch with us.

“Fuckin’ cold, no?” he said, pulling his hood up over his head.

“No shit,” Sean replied, snuggling into his warm ups, too. He didn’t make eye contact with Reed though. “Hey, be right back. I have to hit the bathroom,” he said, hopping to his feet and running to the back of the stadium stands.

I finished my stretching with Reed, turning away from him some so Tatum didn’t think we were talking or that I’d invited his company. My legs were covered in goose bumps and my teeth were already starting to chatter.

“Noles, you should get your sweats on. It’s only going to get worse,” he stood up, jumping in place and raising his knees to warm up his legs.

“Yeah… I would, but…” I trailed.

“Did you forget them?” he said with raised eyebrows.

“Sorta,” I said. Not a total lie. I did forget to keep them safe, I thought.

In an instant, Reed reached up over his head and pulled his hood up, yanking his sweatshirt over his head. Some of his T-shirt came up exposing his muscular stomach and the waistband of his boxers. I sucked in air and quickly looked down as his sweatshirt dropped on my lap.

“Put it on. I’ll be ok with just the pants, I swear,” he said.

I was about to protest, but he was already walking away. Surely this would set Tatum off even more. But I was so cold. And his shirt smelled so good. I pushed my arms through the sleeves and pulled it over my head, letting the hood stay up. It was extra large, so I had enough slack in it to tuck my knees inside as I sat. I was feeling warmer already. But I don’t think it was because it was a sweatshirt. I think it was because it was Reed’s. In inhaled its scent, and hugged the sleeves close to me. It was as close to an embrace as I may ever have with him again.

I was so lost in my own fantasy that Sean startled me when he sat back down next to me.

“It’s because of him, isn’t it,” he said, matter-of-fact.

“What?” I pretended, knowing exactly what he meant and dreading the direction this conversation was about to go.

“Reed. You can’t take your eyes off of him,” he stopped, then chuckled a little to himself, but in a sad way. “It’s funny. Now that I think about it, you really never could, could you?” He tilted his head towards me, waiting for a response.

I sat there dumbfounded. He knew everything, without me having to say a word. I blinked, feeling like I should fight away tears. But nothing was there. I couldn’t cry over this because I didn’t really have intimate feelings for Sean. I cared for him deeply, but as a friend.

He looked down for a while and then finally broke the silence. “It’s ok. I mean… I’m not going to lie, it fuckin’ hurts. I REALLLLY liked you, Noles. But I’m not mad. Just, maybe give it some time? I’m just not ready to see you flirting with him yet, is that ok?”

I leapt into his arms and hugged him tighter than I ever had. My eyes were welling up now. Sean was so good to me, and I didn’t deserve it. But what stung even worse was the fact that he thought he would have to see me and Reed together when I knew that was impossible.

“You are too good for me, Sean Foster. I mean it,” I said, pulling out of our embrace.

“I know,” he laughed out, his voice cracking a little as he stood up and turned away from me. “I’m going to head over to the guys for a bit. I just need a break from… from this talk.”

“I’m sorry Sean. I didn’t want it to go this way,” I said, hoping he would forgive me for hurting him. “You really are amazing.”

He smiled at me walking backwards, pursing his lips and shaking his head. “Not that amazing,” he said, gesturing to Reed. “Clearly not
that
amazing.”

Then he was gone.

I sat by myself for the next hour, wrapped in Reed’s warmth and thinking on how things ended with Sean. I felt oddly lucky. But I also felt lost. I was nobody’s now. At least when I was with Sean I felt like I was a part of something. Sitting in the middle of the field alone, I started to feel my gut sink.

I needed to do my warm ups, so I rolled up the sleeves of Reed’s shirt and stood to walk to the track. I looked over to the stands where Sean and Reed were sitting by each other. Both of their heads were down, and I could tell Reed was consoling him. Becky came into my view and I realized she was jogging over to join me. She had a sympathetic smile on her face as she came up to me with open arms. I hugged her, not knowing what else to do.

“I heard, Noles. I’m so sorry,” she said, patting me on the back.
Good lord, word travels fast out here.

“Thanks,” I said, moving toward the track. She followed me and started to jog my warm ups with me.

“You know,” she started. “I’m not surprised. I mean, I think a lot of us saw this coming. You don’t look at Sean like you look at Reed.”

Becky was smarter than I thought. I shrugged at her, acknowledging my secret to an outsider for the first time. “It doesn’t matter, though. Tatum has him wrapped around her… well,… her everything,” I laughed.

Becky laughed, too, but then got quiet. “She’s steaming mad at you, you know,” she said, giving me a sideways glance.
What could I have done now? She’s the one who decorated the highway with my fleece warm ups.

Becky continued, “She asked Reed where his shirt was and he pointed to you, said something about you forgetting them?” Becky made a skeptical face. “Which is odd… because we packed together, so…”

I knew where she was going. She thought I pretended to not have them just to wear Reed’s. I didn’t want her thinking I was that vapid, but I spoke too quickly.

“Yeah, I did pack them. Then Tatum ‘unpacked’ them for me on the highway,” I said, instantly wishing I could retract it all.

Becky’s eyes were wide and we both started to slow our jog to walk the straightaway part of the track. “Are. You. Kidding me!?” she said defensively.

Sheepishly, I looked down and nodded. “It’s no big deal. Please don’t say anything. I don’t want it to become bigger than it needs to be.”

Becky closed her lips tight and stared straight ahead. After a few seconds of silence she turned to me and grabbed my shoulder. “She’s evil, Nolan. Really. I know what she’s been doing to you. I’ve seen her this way before. She’s a bully, and a terrible person. You have to tell Reed. Not because you want to steal him from her, but because he needs to know. So he can get the hell away from her!”

I would never tell Reed, and I think a part of Becky knew that. But I nodded anyway, pretending. The announcer called my race and I left Becky, heading for the starting line area. I breathed in the smell of Reed’s shirt a few more times before I took it off and set it down on the track. I was in the third heat, so I had some time to kill. I did a few starts and short sprints to get my legs moving. I headed over to the sidewalk side of the track to sit and check my laces but was stopped before I could sit down by a painful shove.

“You just don’t get it, do you? He’s not into you. He’s my boyfriend and you need to back off, trailer trash!” Tatum was yelling in my face. I was without words, something I was vowing to work on while I searched for the right thing to say to her in response. I shook my head, trying to get my mouth to work and then looked over to the stands across the way to see Becky sitting next to Reed and both of them staring at Tatum and I. Becky was talking animatedly with her hands, as if she was angry. In an instant I knew she was telling Reed about the secret cruel pranks Tatum had played on me. Milliseconds were passing so slowly. I wanted to pause everything, get my bearings and ready myself for this next round. But there was no stopping this.