Waiting on the Sidelines (9 page)

Coolidge rode the wave of their newly minted state championship all the way through the holidays. And Reed’s popularity and statewide notoriety climbed to new levels. He was only 16, but he was already being heavily recruited. I know his heart belonged to Tucson – the tradition of his father and, while he didn’t care for him much, his brother. Despite this, he was being courted by schools from California, Illinois, Texas, Florida and Michigan.

We talked regularly, though never for long, and the focus was always on his college recruitments, football plans for next season and school. Tatum and Sean were merely brought up when we would tell one another to say hi to the other. There was an air of tension, but I couldn’t explain it.

School was starting back after the holiday break and the buzz was the upcoming winter dance. Sienna, Sarah and I all volunteered to decorate the gym. We were excited about it but didn’t really have much of a choice either as it was Tatum’s committee and she was bent on putting us to work.

We had cut hundreds of snowflakes from these sheets of sparkly blue and silver paper that Sienna had picked up from a specialty store in the city. It took us more than three hours to string each one up and tack it to the ceiling. But the final effect was well worth the effort when Tatum switched off the lights and flicked on the glowing disco ball she had ordered to hang from the middle of the gymnasium. The flakes flickered and fluttered above us as the slight breeze from the air system caused them to sway. It seemed as if snow was falling here in the middle of the desert. We were pleased.

We had a little more than an hour to head home and prep ourselves for the dance. I was spending the night at Sarah’s and had brought my clothes over to her house to get ready. I had one dress that would work. I had been hanging on to it for two years – my mom and I found it on a clearance rack at the big mall in Tucson when I was graduating from eighth grade and at the time it didn’t quite fit me yet, my boobs not quite able to fill the top. It had a flirty and flowing silver and blue skirt that swayed just above my knees and a form-fitting glittery top that hugged my midsection and accentuated my small but mighty bust. Soft quarter sleeves cupped my shoulders to keep everything in place.

I slipped the dress on in Sarah’s room while she was finishing up her make up in the bathroom. I was twirling to try to see the zipper on the back when Sarah entered behind me, her hand on her chin and her head turned sideways as if she was studying me for an art class.

“What?” I finally broke.

“Nothing,” she said, unconvincingly. “It’s just… It’s just that something’s, I don’t know. Just not quite right?”

She started to turn me around slowly, still studying. Finally, she clapped her hands together, her face showing her mind clearly made up.

“Do you trust me?” she asked. I wasn’t sure. The truth was, I trusted her with my life, but not necessarily with my outfit.

“Uh, I guess so… what are you going to do?” I waited nervously as she dug in one of her drawers. I gasped a little when I realized she was now holding scissors.

“Close your eyes. I don’t want you freaking out on me,” she said. I obeyed, holding my breath and scared as hell.
Please don’t cut my hair, please don’t cut my hair.
I was at first relieved when I felt Sarah pulling on the seams of my sleeves. Then clarity sat in and I realized she was altering my dress, and taking away the only thing holding it up.

“Sarah!” I screamed, pulling away a little. She grabbed my arm with a hard jerk.

“Nolan, for the love of god, just trust me. OK?” she was frustrated.

I relented and waited, still closing my eyes for fear of how this would all turn out. In a few minutes she ordered me to open my eyes. I stood, staring at her, blinking. I was petrified to move for fear that my dress would fall to my ankles. There was no bra underneath as I didn’t own one that would hide appropriately under the cut.

“Oh damn, Nolan. You look hot,” she said, backing away to admire her work.  

Fearful still, I slowly turned to face her mirror. I caught my breath when I realized she was right. What was more, I could actually move without losing the cloth that was hugging my body. My bare shoulders curved from the top of the dress, bronzed from my many hours outside running in preparation for the next track season. My neck looked long and … kissable.

“We need to put your hair up, like this,” she continued, holding most of my hair on the top of my head but letting a few strands fall down my shoulders. I just nodded and let her have her way. Make up, perfume, butterfly clips – whatever she wanted to do. I had never felt more confident than when Sarah was complete with my mini makeover.

I was meeting Sean at the dance. Sarah was working on landing the attention of a senior named Marcus. I was pretty sure she would have success as she slipped on her black strappy heals to match her tight black dress with spaghetti straps at the top. Her hair was straight and fell down her back, her eyes deep and smoky. She may have “jazzed me up,” but she looked downright sexy.

We walked into the gym and found Sienna standing in a corner by the entrance. My sweet, uncomfortable friend was my solace. I scooted over to her side and put my head on her shoulder. She turned and teased me with a whistle and pawed at me like a cat. I giggled, a little flattered by her compliment.

The dance floor was empty as the mostly freshmen gathered at the dance early sat at the tables picking at cookies and downing paper cups of punch. We picked a table near the dance floor and piled our purses in the middle of the table. Then our fearless leader Sarah led Sienna and me to the middle of the floor, directly under the disco ball that was in full spin. The DJ was playing a hip-hop song that I sort of knew, and Sarah was moving to the music like a girl in the singer’s music video. Sienna and I swayed next to her, always the awkward ones.

Giggling and tossing her long hair over one shoulder, Sarah grabbed both of us by the hands. “Girls, we’ve gotta work on your moves. Here, follow me,” she said, showing us some simple moves that helped us look a little less like wallflowers. By the second song, we had it down, and Sienna and I were laughing, our arms over our heads while we moved to the heavy base thumping from the nearby speaker.

I jumped a little when I felt a pair of hands slide over my hips, but relaxed when I smelled Sean’s familiar cologne as his chin grazed over my bare shoulders and his lips found my neck.

“You, are downright hot,” he said, turning me to face him and pulling me in with both hands on my face.

I blushed when I pulled away to look him in the eyes, his smirk slightly sinister. Truth be told, I was enjoying the attention my new look was getting.

“You like?” I said, twirling a little and showing of my bare back and legs. I could get used to this confidence thing.

“Oh, I like…” Sean said, pulling me closer just as a slow song was starting. I nestled my face into his shoulder and neck and took in a deep breath. There was something comforting in his smell, like my grandfather’s wood shop up north. His hair was still a little wet from his shower. He was wearing a black V-neck sweater that accentuated his muscles and showed off his wide upper body. His worn jeans bunched at his feet, his brown leather shoes barely showing. I closed my eyes for a few seconds while we rocked back and forth, willing myself to fall in love. But when I opened my eyes and looked at the couple talking to the faculty chaperones at the door, I knew that no matter how hard I tried, I would never be able to talk my heart into leaping from my chest the way it did when I saw Reed.

He didn’t see me at first. His hand was gently placed on Tatum’s lower back. She had a short, deep blue, silk dress on that swayed on her lower back, showing off her bare shoulder blades –
always finding a way to one-up me, I thought.

Reed was joking with one of the football coaches that was helping host the dance. He shook coach’s hand and turned to enter the gym with Tatum leading the way. Reed dragged behind a bit, looking down and rubbing the back of his neck with his hand, almost as if he was willing himself to endure this dance. Sarah and Calley had stopped Tatum to admire her dress and Reed kept walking, saying something to her over his shoulder as he held her purse and looked for our table that Sarah had pointed out. He turned and started walking towards it when he froze and locked his eyes on me.

My throat closed. I turned my head in a little to face Sean, but kept my eyes locked on Reed, pretty sure he couldn’t tell I was staring at him. He walked slowly to the table, his focus shifting back and forth from his destination to me. Deep down, I knew this was what I had hoped was the result of Sarah’s great work. And I was pretty sure this was her goal, too.

Sean and I circled around, and whenever Sean’s hands rubbed my back or played with my hair, Reed winced a little. His facial expression was caught somewhere between curiosity and sadness. Even as Tatum and the other girls joined him at the table, he continued to steal glances at me.

The song finished and I told Sean I was thirsty, so we walked back to our table. Determined to find those butterflies that I felt months ago, I searched my brain for a way to make Reed react. When Sean left our group for drinks, I let my guard go and reached for Reed’s shoulder, using him to balance myself so I could adjust the strap on my shoe. I felt the heat from his stare as I finished and tossed the ringlets of hair Sarah strategically let fall on my shoulders out of my eyes and gave Reed a “hello” smile.

“Hey…” he said, softly, looking down and swallowing.

“Hey, was wondering when you guys would get here,” I said, forcing my most confident self to push forward with an air of disinterest.

“Oh, uh… yeah. Tatum’s… well, she’s slow. She takes forever to get ready,” he said, looking back at her on the dance floor then back to me, now with shock and surprise in his eyes. Sitting down, he looked at the floor again and leaned forward to rest his elbows on his knees. Then he stood up, unable to settle. He was nervous, and it was the most pleasant surprise of my life.

“So, uh… whataya say?” he said, tilting his head to the dance floor.

I looked back to Sean, who was deep in conversation with some of the guys from the team.
Strong self, you can do this, Nolan.
“Sure!” I said, taking his hand and leading him out to the dance floor.

Reed stood there stiffly at first while I danced in front of him, holding my arms over my head while my hips swayed and my hair flirted with my chin and shoulders. He started to relax and I even saw a smirk start to form in the side of his mouth as he watched me, looking at me like he did in my dreams.

When the song faded into a slow song, I started to turn back to our table, but Reed stopped me, grabbing the tips of my fingers and willing me towards him. His smile was stronger. He was turning on the Johnson charm.

“Sean won’t mind. I bet Tatum will force him to dance, you know, just to show me a lesson,” Reed rolled his eyes.

I laughed, though my gut clenched a little at the thought of Tatum teaching me a lesson.

It was a country song, one that my dad listened to all the time. I knew the words and focused on them to keep my legs from buckling under me as Reed pulled my hand in to his chest and put his warm hand flat against my lower back.
This… was intimate.

As we rocked to the music, I felt him looking down at my face, his superior height something I was ever so grateful for now. I forced my eyes to look to the side at other couples and caught a quick glimpse of Sean and Tatum dancing across the room.
He was right.

Unable to stand it, I looked up to try to sneak one look at him, but was caught immediately, his smile fast and captivating.

“Noles, you look amazing tonight. Really,” he said, squeezing my hand a little as he held it even tighter to his chest.

“Thanks,” I blushed, looking back up at him through my lashes, a move I learned from Sarah. “You clean up pretty good yourself, champ.”
And… there I am.

Reed chuckled a little, then stopped our movement for a moment, lifting my chin with his hand to look him in the eyes. “Stop it; you don’t know how to take a compliment. I mean it and I want you to hear me. You. Are. Beautiful.”

I was done. I knew it the first time I saw him, but tonight solidified every stray emotion rattling in my body. I loved Reed Johnson, and I was pretty sure I always would. He pulled me back in to his chest and we danced in silence for the rest of the song. My eyes locked on the contour of his jaw line and chest, his chin tucked over my head. In my mind he was holding me as if he never wanted to let go.

Reed guided me back to our table and my head was swirling, my mind trying to wrap itself around the words my ears just heard. My eyes were panicked and looking for Sean, and I worried about what I could ever say. And then one look pulled me right out of my fantasy. Tatum was sitting at our table, her long legs folded over one another and her eyes trained on mine like daggers. She was pissed. And I knew I was her target. She stood and came over to Reed, hooking her arm under his and running her nose along his jaw to reclaim what was hers. But while Reed gave her his attention, he still shared it with me for the rest of the evening.

And Tatum was furious.

“Hey, I was thinking to kick off track season I would have a little sleepover, you know before the big meet? I thought maybe you, me and a few of the other girls could get together. It’d be fun. Let me know, ok?”

I must have played Tatum’s voicemail over a hundred times trying to decipher the tone, get to the root of her plan, understand what she was up to. During the weeks after the winter formal, Tatum had been very short with me. She had also been very possessive of Reed’s time, making it near impossible for us to ever be alone together. I had grown nervous for a while that she was sabotaging my relationship with Sean after I’d seen her talking with him in his truck one morning, but despite my anxiety that he would dump me or cause a scene accusing me of cheating on him with his best friend, which I had not done, it never happened.

Regardless, I knew I couldn’t trust her. But I also knew that I couldn’t alienate myself.

I called Tatum back finally and left her a message confirming my Friday night attendance. It was the night before our first big weekend meet. The meet was at home, so we wouldn’t have to leave campus early for travel.

I drove the trusty Olds to her house with my dad in the passenger seat. He was giving me some extra hours behind the wheel before I took my driving test. I was 16, but I wasn’t quite comfortable behind the wheel.

He slid over in the seat as I got out and grabbed my bag and sleeping bag from the trunk. I knocked on Tatum’s door and she answered, revealing five other girls behind her. I didn’t know any of them very well – they were all juniors and seniors – but they were all nice to me during volleyball season and last year’s track season.

“Hey, Nolan. You can put your stuff in here,” said Becky, the perky blonde who ran the hurdles and high-jumped.

“Thanks!” I said, grabbing my bags and tossing them in a spare bedroom.

I took my spot on the floor where all the girls were sitting, watching the giant T.V. Tatum’s house was very large. It wasn’t posh, like Reed’s, but it was nice. Nicer than mine. But it didn’t really feel like a home. It was more like a show gallery, everything in its place and nothing with a sense of home. At least at our house we owned the stains on our carpet and knew what had led to every knick in the door, scuff on the floor and dent in the walls. My home was real. Lived in.

“Pizza, swimming and then movies!” Tatum squealed. She could delight over just about anything, I swear. It was utterly obnoxious.

“Noles, what kind of pizza do you want? My mom’s ordering. We all wanted veggie,” she stood with a pen and pad of paper dangling at the side of her hip. Truth be told I hated veggie pizza. It was a complete waste of comfort food in my opinion, but I knew I had to be careful tonight. And pizza was not worth making waves.

“Sounds good to me,” I smiled.

She turned, almost disappointed I didn’t take her first bait. I was sure there would be more.

We all ate our slices around the kitchen counter. Tatum’s mom had also made flan for dessert, which we all just attacked with forks until there was nothing left. I was stuffed and not really up for a swim with the other girls, but I put my suit on anyhow and kicked my feet in the water as I sat on the other side of the pool, careful eyes always guarding Tatum.

“You and Sean make a super cute couple,” I heard a voice squeak from the water below me. Becky pulled herself up from the pool and sat next to me. The water from her suit made a puddle around us and it chilled me a bit, but I was glad to have someone to talk to.

“Oh, thanks. Yeah, he’s a super good guy,” I said with a heavy amount of guilt plaguing my gut. I hadn’t been a very good girlfriend, I thought. In fact, I was pretty sure I had been nothing but cold towards Sean since the winter dance. I knew sometime soon I had to come clean with my feelings and end it with him, but I also dreaded leaving the safety of our relationship.

“I think you two are so much healthier than Tatum and Reed,” she said, with a hint of disdain.
Becky doesn’t like Tatum. This might just work out after all, I thought.

“Oh yeah? How so,” I said with genuine interest.

“Well…,” she paused for a bit, looking around and moving a little closer so no one would hear. “I think their relationship is pretty much nothing but sex.”

My insides were twisting tighter than they ever had before. I knew that Tatum and Reed were physical, but for some reason hearing another girl confirm it just made the vision of it that much more intense.

I nodded in return, hiding how hurt their intimacy made me.

“I mean, I get it. They’re hot and young. But, man, they have nothing in common. And…,” Becky looked around again, “I think Tatum is really dumb and boring.”

I couldn’t help it and let out a tight snort laugh. Becky reached up and slapped her hand over my face trying not to laugh herself. Quickly covering up for it she added, “Funniest joke ever, right? My brother told me that one.” And with a wink, I knew Becky was my ally.

After an hour or so in the pool, we all started to dry off and gather our things to head back inside. I was looking around the patio for my towel and flip flops when I heard the patio door slide to a close. I turned to walk over and join the rest of the girls when the patio light went dark and I heard the distinct sound of the click of the patio lock.

“Hey! Still out here,” I shouted, walking quickly to the door and giving it a useless yank. I knocked on the door for a bit, but then quickly heard the sound of the TV kick on full volume.
I knew she wasn’t done, I thought.

I knocked a few more times, but I knew that there was no way I was getting in that house until Tatum wanted me to. She would tell the other girls I was upstairs or that she wasn’t sure what I was up to and then distract them with the movie. It was about 50 minutes before I heard the movie pause and saw the reflection of the light flick on in the kitchen as some of the girls started pulling out chips for snacks. I deliberated whether or not to knock again, not wanting to give her the satisfaction. I think had it been a warmer evening, I would have stuck it out, even slept out here if I had to. But given that I had already wrapped my body as tightly as possible with the towel for warmth, I knew my options were limited.

I knocked again, “Hey, can someone unlock please?”
I was pathetic.

Tatum’s eyes met mine as she flung the shades open on the door. Her smirk gave her away and I dug in with an equally intense stare. She wanted me to know that she controlled everything, but I wanted her to know that I didn’t give a fuck. And my face didn’t leave anything to the imagination.

“Oh my god, Noles. Have you been out there the entire time? I thought you were just getting ready for bed or something or showering. We had no idea!” she squealed.
So fake.

I walked in right past her and headed into the room with my stuff and grabbed my pajama pants and long-sleeved T-shirt from my bag to head upstairs and change.

“Noles? I’m sorry, you’re not mad, are you?” she trailed off, smirking at me as the rest of the girls were behind her and couldn’t see her true evil self. If she wanted a game, then I was ready to play.

Smirking back and batting my lashes in the most over-the-top way I could I walked up to her and gave her a hug. “Tates, OMG! Like I could ever be mad at you. I know it was an accident, silly.” I held her stare for a second as I let go, just to signal
are we clear here? I hate you, you hate me. Done.

I turned to head upstairs to change and caught Becky’s attention. She was grinning ear-to-ear and gave me one fast wink to let me know she was on my side.
I liked Becky. We would be good friends.

The night was long. I didn’t want to fall asleep, knowing that even though Tatum appeared to be sleeping, she could still wreak havoc on me in a second. I stood it as long as I could, but when the clock read 3 a.m. I let my heavy lids take me over. We had to report for our meet at 7, and I knew I wasn’t going to be worth much. I was counting on grabbing an extra hour of sleep at the meet before my race.

As I stretched in my sleeping bag and awoke to the rustling sounds of the other girls stirring in their sleeping bags, I scanned the room for Tatum. She was rolled over on her side on the couch, just where I had left her. A wave of relief flushed over me that I had survived the night.

My face felt tight from the lack of sleep and I desperately wanted to brush my teeth. I headed into the spare room and grabbed my uniform and toothbrush to run upstairs for a quick shower and some freshening up.

Tatum’s bathroom was large enough to be a master bathroom. She had both a tub and a shower and a large wrap-around mirror. I imagined it was a luxury for someone like Tatum who probably loved to model for herself at all angles. When I flicked the light on in the bathroom, I squinted at first, the harshness a bit much to take on only three hours of sleep.

I dipped my toothbrush under the water and loaded it with toothpaste and began to brush. Looking in the mirror I noticed one of my eyebrows was curled straight up.
I must have really slept on that wrong, I thought, reaching in the water with my hand to flatten out the gnarled brow. I knew something was wrong the instant I touched my face, though.