Waiting on the Sidelines (10 page)

Panic hit me hard. I pushed in close, dropping my brush in the running water. There was a line of hairs missing in my eyebrow. Like they had been plucked. But surely I would have woken up for that. I looked ridiculous, and my stomach was swirling between furious and tortured. I kept rubbing water along the brow to try to bunch the hairs that were left together to cover it up. It was no use, though. No matter what I did, it looked like a mangled mess.

After about 15 minutes, I crawled into the shower and thought about my options. Every nerve in my face wanted to cry, but there was no way I would give Tatum that satisfaction. I wasn’t sure, but my instincts told me that Tatum probably put a drop of hair remover on my brow and slid the hairs off my face as I slept. When I was done showering, I grabbed my makeup bag and colored in the missing spot. It wasn’t perfect. And up close, you could definitely see that something wasn’t right. But with my beanie pulled down far on my forehead and from far away, I was pretty sure I could fool the group of girls downstairs.

I gathered my stuff and headed down. Most of the girls were dressed by this point and had their bags packed, ready for Tatum to drive us in her mom’s van to the school. Smiling at me as we filed out the door, she couldn’t help but gloat.

“Something wrong, Noles? You have a rough night’s sleep?” she asked with her best concerned tone.

“Nope,” I said, clipped. “Slept like a baby.” And then I added a pat on the shoulder as I walked out the door.

When we pulled up to the school, most of the rest of the team had already arrived. I noticed Sean and Reed’s truck and Jeep right away. My stomach was thumping with the beat of my heart from equal parts dread and anger. I wanted to run to Sean for comfort, but I also wanted to rip the band-aid off and end our relationship. Sean was a great friend, but he never really made my heart leap out of my chest the way Reed did. I also wanted to slap Reed and question how he could ever be with a girl like Tatum.

I wasn’t ready to confront them when I rounded the corner of the locker room to drop off my bags and change my shoes.

“Hey, Noles. You guys just get here?” Reed said, Sean coming closer to grab my hand. I jerked it away in a fit of irrational anger. Sean hadn’t done anything wrong, but I didn’t want to be touched. Not by him.

“Yep,” I said, shortly.

“What’s up your ass?” Reed said, looking at Sean to shed some light on my mood.

I turned and without even thinking blurted out, “My ass? Your girlfriend’s a bitch. That’s what’s up my ass.” I left them there, bewildered by my outburst and headed into the locker room. My head was thumping with anger and I was talking to myself. I locked my stuff up and sat on the bench to lace up my shoes, my mouth muttering the words I would say to Tatum’s face. And then there she was.

I fought my urge and stood up, snapping my head to stare at her as I headed for the door, but she caught my arm before I could make it out.

“Do not… touch me!” I yelled, my face close to hers.

She leaned into the door to block my exit. Crossing her arms, I saw her face wash over with superiority. This was the Tatum I had first encountered my freshman year. She was asserting her authority over me, and I was not going to have any of it.

“So,” she said, kicking her foot along the ground and looking down as she thought about her words. “What do you think Reed will think when I tell him about all the times you’ve slept with Sean?”

I was befuddled. I was a virgin, that much I knew. Sean had been very respectful and patient with me and I don’t think the rumor was floating around that we were having sex. “You’re absurd,” I bit back. “And you’re an idiot.” I tried to move her from the door but she wasn’t budging.

“Yeah,” she laughed a little to herself. “Thing is, all I have to do is say it to a few people and then it’s out there. There’s no putting that back. Reed will never look at you again. Untouchable. He wouldn’t want to
share
you with Sean, and he wouldn’t look at you with those doting innocent eyes that he sees you with now.”

I was speechless. Was she actually threatening to rumor me to death? Could she do that? Would that work?

“Think about it,” she continued. “Are you ready to be a whore? I know you’re not in love with Sean. And I bet you’re going to break up with him soon. I’ll start the rumor about the next guy you’re going to hook up with, too. Don’t think I won’t.” She chewed the inside of her cheek with a finality of confidence.

At that moment, I knew there was nothing Tatum wouldn’t do to ruin me in Reed’s eyes. And if I suffered, too, because of it was of no consequence to her either. In fact, that was icing.

I spent the entire meet in my own head. I was careful to avoid situations where I was even near Reed, and Sean’s events were spread throughout the meet, so I made sure that I was always on the opposite end of the field…conveniently. I was waiting for my 400 meter race, stretching along the far fences near the end zone when Reed jogged by with a group of guys.
Damn. I didn’t see him coming.

He stopped right next to me and bent down for a bit to catch his breath.

“You know, you’re supposed to hold your arms over your head. Opens up your lungs,” I said. I figured might as well make it awkward and confrontational right out of the gate. I was still fuming over Tatum. But I was also frightened. I was a good girl, and I planned on staying one. I didn’t need the nightmare of a ruined reputation. Lost in my own thoughts, I jumped a bit when Reed bumped me on the side, bringing me back to the present.

“I know, but sometimes it just feels good to hang your head,” he said with a faint smile.

“I guess,” I shrugged, short with him.

I felt his stare while I continued to stretch and check the tightness on my shoes. I could tell he wanted to say something. But he seemed to be fighting with himself. I stepped a few paces away to sit down and do my butterfly stretches. Reed stayed where he was. When I leaned forward, I snuck a peek to see if he was looking elsewhere, any sign that he may be leaving. I was risking a lot being this close to him with Tatum around. Luckily she was over in the pits for the long jump finals. I was relieved when I finally heard his shoes scuff the pavement as he turned to walk the other way, and I collapsed on my hands in front of me, my face firmly planted in the sleeves of my sweatshirt.
This…was going to be hard.

I ran home after the meet. I didn’t want to wait for a ride, and frankly all choices were bad ones. I know that Sean could sense something was wrong, but I wasn’t ready to have that conversation either. I would have to soon enough. But first I had to think about how to set off my chain of dominoes in such a way as to keep Tatum from spreading vicious rumors about me.

I was sliding through the gravel in my driveway when I heard the engine rumble behind me. I recognized it, amazingly. The slight spot of the lights that were shining behind me clicked off, followed by the crunch of feet landing on the rocks. I froze, letting out a big sigh as I turned. Reed’s eyes locked on mine. He looked furious.

“Hey! You think maybe when someone calls and texts you a thousand times you could at least text them back to let them know you’re ok?,” he shouted, accusingly.

“You called?” I dug out my phone to see 14 missed calls and a handful of texts. “Oh, … sorry. I just left in a hurry and I couldn’t hear my phone in my bag. I’m good. Just felt like walkin’.”

I was lying through my teeth and I could feel anger seeping up to my mouth. Thankfully, so far, my brain was working in overdrive to keep my words in check.

“Oh, I see,” he said, still angry in his tone. He pulled his hat off to run his hands through his hair before putting it back on. He kept turning to leave and then walking back a few steps only to return, each time pressing his lips in a firm line, almost like he was shoving his thoughts back inside. Not sure what to do, I picked up my bags and slung them over my shoulder and when his back was to me, said “Goodnight. Thanks for checking on me.”

Despite my best effort, my tone was clipped. There was a sense of snarkiness, and I didn’t mean it. I was just emotionally spent and sick, and it was now seeping from me in unexpected ways.

“Seriously? That’s all you got? ‘Thanks for checking on me,’” Reed repeated mockingly. I turned to face him, my eyes starting to sting a little as I fought to keep the tears at bay. I couldn’t tell if they were sad tears, angry tears or both. When I locked gazes with him again I just shrugged and gave him a crooked smile, shaking my head. “Yeah. That’s all I’ve got.”

Reed walked up to me deliberately and flung my bags from my shoulder, wrapping his arms around me in the warmest hug of my life after that. And suddenly I couldn’t stop them any more. I was toast. The tears came full force now and my body jerked with each heavy sob as I tried to stifle them some, let them out slowly. It was no use. It was as if 24 hours of torture were escaping all at once.

“Shhhhhh, it’s ok. Whatever it is, it’s ok. Please, Nolan. You can tell me. We can tell each other anything. Please,” Reed said, rocking me side to side and stroking my hair. I was clinging to the sides of his sweatshirt, almost as if I was holding fistfuls of the fabric to keep myself from drowning. I pulled my face away from his chest to rub my sleeve across my eyes to dry them. Reed lifted my chin to look at me, and suddenly his face had a look of concern.

“Noles, it looks like something might be wrong with your eyebrow, did you get a bite or something? Let me take a look,” he said, reaching up to touch it. I pulled away and pressed my palm to my forehead; I didn’t want him to see.

“Oh, it’s nothing. Something stupid, really. I’m ok,” I said, panicking. I could hear Tatum’s warning and I was suddenly terrified that Reed would find out it was of her doing.

“Uhm… ok. It just looks like some of the hair is missing. Are you sure?” he was still concerned.

“I’m sure,” I said, staring him in the eyes, almost trying to tell him telepathically without saying the words. When it became uncomfortable, I looked down.

“Noles, what’s going on? You’re not yourself,” he pushed.

I didn’t know what to say. I stood there silent, looking down and kicking at the pebbles at my feet, sniffling the last of my emotional explosion away. Finally, I turned my head sideways to meet his eyes again. Chewing on my bottom lip, I paused and thought carefully for a moment, choosing my words.

“Do you love her?” was what came out. Not quite how I wanted to go, but I was going to run with it.

Reed’s eyebrows shot up. “Huh? What do you mean?” he said.

“Tatum. Do you love her?” I asked again, my lips tight, fighting to show anything. I had to be careful to not give away my hand.

Reed sucked in his top lip and nodded a little as he thought. He looked up at the sky with a big sigh and then finally looked right at me. “I, uh… I. Hmmmm? Let’s put it this way…I haven’t said the words to her.”

“That’s not what I asked.” I was getting braver now. “Do you love her, Reed?”

“No,” it came out so quickly it surprised both of us. Deep down, I knew he didn’t. He was a teenaged boy and she was eye candy. That’s about how far it went.

I was going to press on. “OK, understandable. You are young. This is high school. We’re supposed to
date
lots of people. But why her?” I paused. I needed to rephrase that so it didn’t sound as incredulous as I meant it to. “I mean… what drew you to Tatum?”

Reed walked up to my porch and I followed him, dropping my bags on a chair and sitting next to him on the steps. He had his hat off again and was looking down, rubbing his hair forward almost to hide his shame.

Finally, he spoke. “I’m gonna be real honest here, Noles. I don’t even really know any more. I mean, it was exciting at first. But now, every little thing she does irritates me…. Wait… why do you ask? Is this about Sean? I mean, I know he’s my best friend, but you can still talk to me about him. I would keep it between us.”

“No, it’s not about Sean… exactly,” I said.
Keep going, Nolan. Keep going.
“It’s just… I don’t think my spark for Sean is going anywhere either. It’s sort of stalled. And I’m sort of alright with that,” I stopped to look at him sideways. He had an understanding smirk on his face. “And with you… I was just curious. It just seems like you and Tatum are SOOOOOOO different. I mean, you’re so nice and thoughtful, and she’s…” I stopped and just shrugged and looked down, a bit defeated.

“Nolan, did Tatum say something to you? Is that why you cried?” he reached over and put his hand on mine along the steps. I stared at it and it felt as if time froze. My heart was racing, both from his touch and the fear of Tatum driving by in this instance to see this. I didn’t know how to respond, but I needed to stop. This was too far.

I stood up, pulling my hand from under his. “I’m ok, Reed. Really,” I said, turning to pick up my bags and reach for the door. His hand was on it fast and he reached for my chin again to turn me to face him.

“You would tell me, right? If she said something to you...” he swallowed. “If she said something that made you cry, something mean or rude, you would tell me?”

I couldn’t lie. I just nodded knowingly and smiled with my lips tight, my eyes welling up a little again. Biting my lower lip to keep things in check I reached an arm over Reed’s shoulder and gave him one last hug, and then, as I released, I kissed him softly on the cheek. I know he could tell I was holding it in, but he let me go inside anyway. I think he knew I was holding on to my pride. It was all I had. That, and my utter disappointment in myself for letting Tatum break me.