What to Expect the First Year (100 page)

“I hear so much about classes for babies, I'm wondering if enrolling my baby in one is important for her development.”

Music, art, movement, sensory, swimming, and more—there's no shortage of classes available for little ones not yet able to stand on their own two feet. But there's no rush to enroll your pint-size pupil, especially when you consider that babies develop best and learn best by doing when they have the time and opportunity to explore the world their way, with just a little help (as needed) from the adults around them. In other words, babies develop and learn best through experience, not through instruction. In fact, being expected to learn a certain way, at a certain time, at a certain place, or at a certain pace can dampen a young child's natural curiosity and drive to discover.

While baby classes are definitely not a developmental must-do, however, they're certainly a can-do. There's no downside to opting out of them, but there can be plenty of benefits in signing up for one or more group baby activities. After all, it's nice—if not necessary—for your baby to have the chance to play alongside other babies her age, and for you to have a chance to spend time (and share insights and tips) with other parents. Just choose the classes wisely—opt for those that are just for fun, where your baby can do her own thing (whether it's bop to a beat or tumble around on a play mat) or watch her classmates do theirs. Avoid any class that has a formal agenda or curriculum, and look for a very loose, flexible, no-pressure format. It's always a good idea to check out a sample class before you sign up. To find out what's available where you live, check online, local parents' magazines, community centers, your pediatrician's office—or ask around at the playground.

A more ambitious approach: Bring the class to you. Some teachers will hold classes in homes, so if you have the space, the inclination, and a group of parents and babies to sign up, that's another way to go.

You applauded wildly your baby's first successful attempt at pulling up, and cheered proudly from the sidelines as creeping finally became crawling. Now you're starting to wonder: What was all the celebration
about? Along with that impressive inventory of new skills has come an astonishing talent for getting into trouble. If your baby's not adroitly deleting apps on your iPad, he's clicking “place your order now” on an order you didn't place. If she's not performing tablecloth tricks in the dining room, she's gleefully unraveling whole rolls of toilet paper, or industriously emptying the contents of drawers, cabinets, and bookshelves onto the floor. Before, all you had to do to keep both baby and home from harm was to plop him or her down in a safe spot—now, no such spot exists.

Perhaps all this late-breaking mayhem has got you wondering: Is it time to start thinking about discipline? Saying no, meaning no—and following through with discipline when your baby doesn't take no for an answer? The answer: a resounding yes. Discipline means “teaching” (not “punishment,” as you might have assumed), and the timing's just right for beginning to teach your little one some basic differences between what's right and what's wrong (or really, at this early stage in your baby's evolution as a human being, what's okay to do and what's not okay to do). While even a month or two ago, your choruses of “no!” “hot!” “don't touch!” “stop now!” went in one adorable ear and out the other, your baby's memory is now improving, as is his or her comprehension. Your little one is starting to make sense out of your words, actions, and tone of voice and to recall them from one day to the next. That's not to say that he or she is ready to live by the rules, or even to understand what the rules are yet—it will take years of baby steps before you'll be able to count on your child approximating anything consistent in terms of compliance, impulse control, a moral compass, or good citizenry. But helping your baby take those first steps now can make all the difference later.

Here's how to get started:

Begin with love.
What's the foundation for all effective discipline? Unconditional love—that unbreakable bond between a parent and child that comes with no strings attached to behavior expectations. The kind of love that's on tap every moment of every day—whether baby happens to be acting like an adorable angel or a raging mini-monster. And while it's admittedly easier to show the love when your little one is cuddling contentedly in your arms than it is when he's beaning the cat with a block or she's just tossed her sippy cup into a mud puddle, it's that love that provides your baby with the rock solid foundation good behavior is always built on.

Individualize.
Every child is different, every family is different, every circumstance is different. Although there are universal rules of behavior that apply to everyone, every time (no hitting, no biting), there's no one-size-fits-all discipline approach. In figuring out what discipline fits for your little one, you'll have to factor in temperament (yours and your child's), circumstance (discipline in the supermarket may be different from discipline at home, discipline when your baby's down with a bad cold may be different from when he or she is feeling frisky), and what feels right for your family (just as rules will vary from home to home, how those rules will be enforced will vary, too).

Set limits.
Yes, they fight limits. They test limits. And yet, believe it or not, little ones crave limits, too. Knowing what to expect and what's expected of them (as long as those expectations are fair, consistent, and age-appropriate) makes children feel grounded, secure, and loved—which, in turn, inevitably makes them better behaved. That said, limits have their limits when it comes
to babies, so limit yours to those that matter most. Draw the line in the sand, for instance, when your little one throws sand, or when toy cars are used as projectiles, or when a tug-of-war over a doll stroller escalates to hair pulling, or when Junior keeps reaching for your hot cup of joe.

Be consistently consistent.
Just as important as setting those few key limits is consistently enforcing them. If you didn't allow baby to play with your phone yesterday, but you're looking the other way today, or if magazine shredding was a no-no last week, but this week it's been mostly ignored, the only lesson your child will learn is that the world is confusing and rules are meaningless (so what's the point of trying to follow them?). There goes your discipline credibility, there goes your parental authority, there goes your baby's compliance. Hitting is unacceptable on Monday? Then it has to be unacceptable on Tuesday and Wednesday and Thursday—and it has to be unacceptable whether mommy's in charge, daddy's in charge, or the babysitter's in charge (and yes, even if grandpa is in charge). If your rules are all over the place, behavior's bound to be, too. Doesn't mean you can't sometimes bend nonessential rules or even break them once in a while—just that a consistently inconsistent approach to discipline can be predicted to fail.

Avoid the “no!” game.
A constant chorus of “no, no, no!” strips that all-important word of its power, fast—not to mention sets the stage for toddler negativity (which is just around the corner). So choose your battles, with first choice always going to matters of safety and well-being (of people and things), but avoid making everything a battle. You can limit your use of “no's” by creating a childproof environment in your home, with plenty of opportunities for exploration under safe conditions.

Turn “don'ts” into “do's,” when you can, too: “This is how we pet a cat” instead of “Don't pull Fluffy's tail!” Along with each no, try to offer a yes in the form of an alternative: “No, you can't play with Daddy's book, but you can look at this one,” or “You can't empty the cereal shelf, but you can empty the plastic container cabinet.” Instead of “No, don't touch those papers in Mommy's desk,” try, “Those papers go in Mommy's drawer. Let's see if we can put the papers back and close the drawer.” This win-win approach gets the message across and teaches a lesson—without going negative.

Keep age in mind.
The same standards of behavior don't stand for a 5-year-old (who's developmentally capable of impulse control and reason) and an under-1-year-old (who clearly isn't), and neither should the same discipline approach. Time-outs, for instance, aren't effective for babies or young toddlers who don't yet have the attention span, memory, or cognitive ability to “sit there and think about what you've done.” Rules should factor in the limitations of age, too. You can expect that 5-year-old not to interrupt you when you're on the phone (at least most of the time) or to put away toys before bed (with a reminder), but expecting either of a 1-year-old isn't realistic. Set limits that are age-appropriate, and you're more likely to get the compliance you're looking for. Expect more than your little one can deliver, and you can ultimately expect discipline to fail.

Repeat and repeat.
Babies have limited memories, minimal attention spans, and nominal impulse control. Disciplining your little one will be a process—a very long and very repetitive process. You told him not to touch the remote? Be prepared to tell him 100 times—and to take it away from him each time he goes for it. You told her biting is for food, not for people? That doesn't mean you won't be removing her mouth from your shoulder many times to come. Be patient, persistent, and prepared to repeat the same message (“Don't eat the dog food”) every day for weeks, or even months, before it finally sinks in. Even once it does, that itchy trigger finger may not be able to exercise restraint when faced with temptation. Don't give up, don't give in—but do give it time.

Be the calm in the storm.
Yes, you're only human, and you're the parent of a baby who's only human, so you're bound to lose your temper some of the time. But try your hardest to temper that loss of temper, because anger doesn't work with wee ones. When you're over-the-top angry, you lose patience and perspective (two things you need lots of when you're disciplining a small child). You model a behavior you're always trying to curb in your baby (loss of control) instead of one you're always trying to encourage (practicing self-control). You may even scare your child, and if you're angry a lot, bruise that just-emerging sense of self.

And here's another important reason why uncontrolled anger is ineffective: It teaches nothing about right from wrong. Screaming or hitting in the heat of the moment may give you a quick release—and may even temporarily stun your little one into submission—but it doesn't further your long-term goal of promoting good behavior. In fact, it promotes just the opposite (screamers and hitters tend to raise screamers and hitters—check out any playground and you'll see).

So be the calm in the storm, as much as you can. When your baby has done something that makes you angry, take a few moments to cool down before you attempt discipline. Then respond calmly. Simply explain what was wrong about what your baby did and what the consequences will be. (“You threw the truck. Trucks are not for throwing. I am taking the truck away.”) A good example modeled, a teaching moment seized, an action connected with consequence—and best of all, effective discipline doled out. Plus, you behaved like the adult you are.

But since you're only human, there'll be times when you can't slam on the temper brakes. As long as the meltdowns don't come too often or last too long—and are aimed at your child's behavior, not your child—they won't interfere with effective parenting, or even with your overall discipline strategy. When you do lose it, however, be sure to apologize for it: “I'm sorry I yelled at you, but I was very angry.” Adding a comforting cuddle and a reassuring “I love you” will let your little one know that sometimes we get angry at people we love and that's okay—it's part of being human.