What to Expect the First Year (104 page)

• Meet and greet before you make your retreat. Have the sitter arrive at least 15 minutes before you're planning to leave, so that she and your little one can get involved in an activity (playing with the shape sorter, stacking blocks, putting teddy to bed). Keep in mind, however, that your baby may refuse to have anything to do with the sitter (even if she's a familiar one … even if she's grandma herself) while you're still home. After all, consenting to playing with the sitter might mean she's consenting to being left with her. Don't worry—once you're out the door, she'll almost certainly agree to join in the fun.

• Tame those triggers. As you've probably noticed, even the mellowest baby can melt down in a flash when she's tired or hungry. So try to time separations for when she's recently napped and been fed. Being down with a cold or fussy from teething can also make separations more painful for all involved—just add an extra dose of comfort before you leave and when you return, and ask the sitter to offer plenty while you're away.

• Don't sneak out the back, Jack. Sure, it's easier to leave after your baby's sound asleep for the night, or before she's woken from her nap, or just when she's not looking—but that's a strategy that's bound to backfire at some point soon. She'll probably panic when she notices you're gone (or wakes up to find you're not home)—and that could result in a whole lot of crying in the short term and trust issues in the long term. You may avoid a scene this time—only to have twice the scene next time. Plus, fear that you can leave without warning at any time can increase clinginess even when you're right by her side. Unless you have to leave when she's sleeping, be up front about stepping out.

• Take your baby's anxiety seriously, but not too seriously. Separation anxiety is normal and age-appropriate, and to
your baby, it's real. So don't laugh it off or ignore it, and definitely don't lose your temper over it. Validate her feelings—let her know that you understand she's upset—and then reassure her calmly and lovingly that you will come back soon. Just make sure you don't go overboard with the validation—meeting her tears with your tears or matching her anxiety with your own. After all, you don't want to give her the sense that there really is something to worry about when you leave.

• Let her know when you'll be back. Your baby is by no means a clock watcher yet (the passing of time is meaningless to her), but it's still a good idea to start plugging in concepts of time that she will eventually be able to relate to: “I'll be back after your nap” or “I'll be home when you're eating dinner” or “I'll see you when you wake up.”

• Start a happy bye-bye tradition. “See you later, alligator … in a while, crocodile” is a time-honored phrase that your little one can begin associating with your leaving and returning. Say it with a smile, a quick hug, and a kiss. Other rituals you can add: blowing a kiss (baby will soon be blowing back one of her own), a special wave, or, if there's a window, having the sitter hold her there so you can wave from outside.

• Once you leave, leave. Make the parting short and sweet—and final. Repeated appearances at the door (definitely check and double-check to make sure you have your wallet and car keys so you don't have to return for them) will make leaving harder for everyone—especially your baby, who won't be able to settle down until she knows you've really left the building.

Remember that separation anxiety doesn't last forever—though it may be a year or more before your little one's human cling wrap days are behind her. All too quickly, your child will learn to separate easily and painlessly from you. Possibly, for you, a little too easily and painlessly. One day, when your teenager heads off to school with a mumbled “bye” and (if you ask really nicely) a halfhearted hug, you'll look back fondly on the days when you couldn't pry those little fingers and arms off your leg.

“Our baby used to fall asleep easily and sleep through the night. But suddenly he's clinging to us and crying when we put him down—and also waking up crying during the night.”

Separation anxiety, the familiar gremlin of the daylight hours, can also come out at night—and for some babies, it can produce even more anxiety in the evening. That's not really surprising, given that separating at night (if baby's sleeping in his own crib and in his own room) means being not only left, but left alone … often in the dark (hello, gremlins). Like daytime separation anxiety, the nighttime variety is normal and age-appropriate, and while it doesn't accompany every baby to bed, at some point, it does bed down with most. It also has the same triggers: your baby's improved memory, his increased independence and mobility, his maturing sense of himself and others (he's wised up considerably since his infant days), and at the same time, his lack of maturity (he's still sorting out the world around him and his place in it).

If you co-sleep with your cutie, no separation means no separation anxiety … and no problem (that is, unless you expect your baby to fall asleep without you earlier in the evening before joining him later). But if you're determined to keep (or make) your bed your own, you'll want to find ways to ease the anxiety that sometimes comes out at night and that can prevent everyone from getting the restful evening they need. Here are some strategies for nipping bedtime anxiety in the bud:

• Have a peaceful prelude to bedtime. Keep the hour or two leading up to bedtime as calm, reassuring, and nurturing as possible, especially if you've been at work all day, but even if you've just been busy around the house. Try to give your baby as much attention as you can, putting everything else (such as making and eating your dinner or catching up on work) on hold until he's asleep. This will help keep his stress level low before bedtime while storing up some reserves of mommy and daddy comfort he can tap into later, when he needs it most.

• Rely on routines. A bedtime ritual isn't just sleep-inducing—it's comforting at a time in your little one's life when comfort comes from consistency. Each night it reassures your baby (and soon, your toddler) that the same predictable events will take place in the same predictable sequence—no surprises means fewer anxieties. A bedtime routine can also become the start of a nighttime cycle that your little one will come to anticipate with good feelings—instead of fear.
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for more on bedtime rituals.

• Bridge the gap with a lovey. A transitional (or comfort) object often helps make the tricky transition from awake to sleep easier for your cutie. It could be a favorite small stuffed animal or a tiny blanket for clutching (big blankets for covering are still not recommended at this age). Not all tots get their comfort fix from a blanket or other type of lovey—but many do. If yours does, bring it on. Think your baby is unsettled by being left alone in the dark? A night-light can help bring the comfort he needs.

• Be reassuring. Give your baby a hug and kiss before you put him down in his crib, then say your good-night. Consistency is valuable here, too—it's best if you keep the good-nights as routine as the rest of the bedtime ritual (something like, “Nighty-night, sleep tight, see you in the morning light”). A loving but light tone in your voice will help, as well. Just as by day, if your baby senses that you're anxious about separating at bedtime, he will likely be, too.

If your baby cries, continue to calmly and quietly reassure him—gently putting him back down if he's pulled up. Use this strategy, too, if your baby wakes up again during the night. Be consistent in your approach to comfort—using the same techniques, the same words—but also try to do progressively less each night (offering the comfort first from crib-side, then from a few feet away, then from the doorway). Saying something like, “Mommy (or Daddy) is right here. Go back to sleep. I'll see you in the morning” will reinforce the message that night will end predictably with day. Or just repeat your chosen good-night phrase.

• Be consistent. This deserves repeating. And repeating. Without consistency,
life is confusing and unnecessarily stressful for little ones. And without consistency, even the best tricks in the parenting book won't work. So even if your new strategy for separations doesn't seem to ease anxiety at first, keep at it. With a consistent approach, your baby will learn to handle nighttime separations—and stop fighting bedtime and sleep.

• Check the guilt at the door. Just as co-sleeping is a valid option, so is deciding you'd like to keep sleeping arrangements separate. Once you've made that decision, feel free to feel good about it, instead of guilty. Staying with your little one all night won't help him overcome nighttime separation anxiety (any more than avoiding leaving him with a babysitter would help him overcome separation anxiety during waking hours), but a consistent routine, lovingly applied, will … eventually.

“Suddenly my son doesn't want to nap in the morning. Is one nap a day enough for him?”

Although your little guy's single nap a day may not be enough for you, that's all some babies need as they approach 1 year of age. Most often it's the morning nap that gets dropped, but occasionally it's the after-lunch siesta. A very few babies even try to give up both naps at this time (yikes!). Babies of other lucky parents continue to nap twice a day well into the second year, and that's perfectly normal, too, as long as it doesn't seem to be interfering with a good night's sleep.

But here's something to keep in mind while you're lamenting the loss of your baby's morning nap: How many times a day your baby sleeps matters less than how well he functions on the sleep he's getting (how well you function on the sleep he's getting is another matter entirely). If nap skipping doesn't bring out the crankies and if he's not too overtired to settle down for a good afternoon nap and a full night's sleep, then you may have to kiss those two-nap days good-bye.

If your baby fights his morning nap but is consistently overtired later in the day, it may be that he's resisting the extra rest because it cuts into his busy schedule. Time wasted sleeping, he figures, could be better spent pulling books off the shelf or trying to eat your cell phone. Not clocking in necessary naptime, however, makes for a less-happy baby by day—and often one who's too overcharged to settle down at night.

To help your baby get the sleep he needs, try a naptime routine that's an abridged version of his bedtime one. Feed and change him, create a relaxing environment (darken the room and sing a lullaby, for example), and then put him down. Don't give up if he doesn't fall asleep right away, since some babies need more time to settle down during the day. If he still refuses, you can try a sleep-training method (
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), but not for as long as you would at night (more than 20 minutes of crying, and there goes his naptime).

He's definitely not down for the morning nap, but he's rubbing his eyes long before his usual afternoon nap? Consider having him take that single nap earlier in the afternoon to keep the crankies (his—and yours) at bay. If necessary you can move his bedtime up a bit to accommodate the earlier nap.