Read What to Expect the First Year Online
Authors: Heidi Murkoff
What to Expect the First Year (105 page)
“Last month my daughter was waving bye-bye all the time, but now she seems to have forgotten how. I thought she was supposed to move forward developmentally, not backward.”
She is moving forward developmentally ⦠it's probably just forward to other skills. It's very common for a baby to practice perfecting a skill almost continuously for a whileâto her delight and everyone else'sâand then, once she's mastered it, to put it aside while she takes on a new developmental challenge. There's also the possibility that she's getting tired of taking “bye-bye” requests. Your baby is way cuter than any monkey, but she may be feeling like a performing chimp if you're forever asking for repeat performances. Though your baby has tired of her old trick of waving bye-bye, she's more than likely excited by a new one she's rehearsing now, perhaps barking every time she sees a four-legged animal or playing peekaboo and pat-a-cake. All of which she will eventually temporarily retire, too, once they become ho-hum. Instead of worrying about what your baby seems to have forgotten (or prodding her to pull an old trick out again), tune in to and encourage her in whatever new skills she's busy developing. You need to be concerned only if your baby suddenly seems unable to do many things she did before and if she doesn't seem to be learning anything new. If that's the case, check with the doctor.
Mother Nature's whims (and birth control malfunctions) notwithstanding, the decision of how many months or years to wait before getting pregnant again is a couple's alone to make, and different couples feel very differently about the subject. Some feel very strongly that they'd like to cluster their children together. Others feel just as strongly that they'd like several yearsâor moreâof breathing (and sleeping) room between deliveries. And the way couples feel about child spacing before they actually become parents (“Wouldn't it be great to have them just a year apart?”) isn't necessarily the way they feel once the reality of endless diaper changes and sleepless nights sinks in (“Maybe we need a break before we try this again”).
There aren't very many firm facts to help parents make their decision. Most experts agree that postponing conception for at least a year after baby number one allows a woman's body to recover from pregnancy and childbirth before beginning the reproductive cycle all over again. But that health issue aside, there's little evidence of an ideal spacing period between children. Researchers haven't found that spacing affects intelligence or emotional development, or sibling relationships (which have more to do with their personalities than their age difference).
The bottom line: It's all your call. The best time for you to add to your family is when you feel your family is ready.
Still don't have a clue? Ask yourselves these questions:
Will we be able to handle two babies at one time?
Children under 2 (or even 3) are high maintenanceârequiring constant attention and care. If your second baby arrives before your oldest is 2, you'll be doing double diaper duty, enduring endless sleepless nights, and, if they're really close in age, dealing with the more difficult aspects of toddler behavior (such as tantrums and negativity) in two toddlers at once. On the flip side, although caring for closely spaced children will probably leave you exhausted at first, once the first few years have passed, you'll have put those challenges behind you (unless you decide to start all over again with number three). Spacing kids more closely together will also mean that you won't have to dig as deep to remember baby-care basics (though recommendations can change surprisingly quickly). Another perk for parents: Sibs close in age are likely to enjoy the same toys, movies, activities, and vacations.
Do we want to start all over again?
Once you're in baby mode, it's sometimes easier to just stay that way, consolidating the years spent on baby care into a shorter (if more intense) time frame. The crib is set up, the diaper wipes are in place, the stroller isn't yet collecting dust in the attic, the safety gates are still up, and you don't remember what sleep or a sex life is, so you won't miss them when they're once again gone. Spacing children far apart requires you to reorient yourself to the demands of having a baby again, just when your oldest is independently off at school and you're getting your lives back in order. Of course, having a new baby a few years after the first allows you ample time to shower attention on one child before the arrival of the next. And since the oldest most likely won't be at home all the time, you'll get that same opportunity to provide individual attention to your younger child.
Am I physically ready to go through a new pregnancy?
This is a question only a mom can answer. Maybe you just don't feel ready to roll through pregnancy again so soon, especially if your first was a rough ride. Maybe you're not super pumped about the prospect of chasing a 1-year-old while you're headed to the bathroom with morning sickness. Or toting a toddler along when you have a watermelon-size belly (talk about heavy lifting!). Maybe you'd just like a baby-free-body break before resuming reproduction and breastfeeding.
On the other hand, if you've had nothing but joy producing and nursing your first bundle of joyâmaybe you don't feel there's any reason to postpone additional bundles of joy. Or maybe the sound of a ticking biological clock, or the feeling that you'd like to finish up your baby-making days by the time you're a certain age, has you resolute about resuming reproduction sooner than later.
What gap will make the kids closer?
There's certainly no consensus on this issue, and results can vary widely, depending on the children's temperament, the way sibling conflicts are resolved, the atmosphere around the home, and many more factors. For instance, if there is a very large gap in ages between siblings, they might grow up not feeling like siblings at allâor they might have a very special affection for each other. Siblings spaced far apart may experience less rivalry than those closer in age, since the oldest sibling already has a life outside the home (school, sports, friends), may actually appreciate the new addition more, and may even help out with the baby. Plus, when sibs aren't playing on a level developmental field, there's no need to compete. Or an older sib may resent the responsibilities of having a baby around the houseâor the social life adjustments.
Though your little ones won't necessarily be close if they're close in age, their developmental similarities are more likely to make them natural playmates for each other. Of course, it's those similarities that will also make them more prone to sibling squabbles. The fact that they'll probably enjoy the same toys might be both a convenience (fewer toys to buy) and a hassle (more tug-of-war over the toys). Having children close in age may minimize the adjustment of a very young older child to a new siblingâafter all, there's less to miss about being the only child if you've been one for only a short time. On the other hand, a very young older sibling may resent the sudden shortage of much needed lap space.
What about us?
Also factor in your twosome when contemplating when to expand your family of three to a family of four (or more). Clearly, you'll want to make this decision as a united team, considering work and child care, time together as a couple, romance ⦠and yes, your sex life.
How close in age are my siblings to me?
If you had a great experience growing up with a much younger or much older sibling, you might hope the same for your children. If you found yourself always fighting with your close-in-age sister or feeling distant from your already-grown brother, you may choose to space your own kids farther apart.
Thinking about expanding the family again? There are plenty of preconception steps you and your spouse can take to improve your chances of fertility success, as well as the odds of having a safe pregnancy and a healthy baby. For more, check out
What to Expect Before You're Expecting
.
Content with your one and not looking for more in the near futureâor even ever? One-and-happily-done can be the perfect decision, too.
Baby Talk for the Older Baby
You've come a long way, baby, since you breathed in your first gulp of air and let out your first cry, heralding your own arrival (“Look out, worldâhere I come!”): from a newborn whose only form of communication was crying and who understood nothing but his or her own primal needs ⦠to a smiling, cooing 3-month-old ⦠to a 6-month-old who started finding a voice (and collecting a repertoire of sounds, from babble to bubbles), making sense out of words, and expressing a wide range of emotions ⦠to an 8-month-old who began conveying meaningful messages through primitive sounds and gestures ⦠and now, to a 10-month-old who has spoken (or will soon speak) those first real words. And yet with all the communication accomplishments already behind your baby, still more astounding verbal achievements are just around the bend. In the months to come, your little one's comprehension will increase at a remarkable rateâand though it will lag at first behind receptive language (words understood), your baby's expressive vocabulary (words spoken) will expand exponentially in the next year.
Here's how you can help your baby's language development:
Label, label, label.
Everything in your baby's world has a name. And there's no better way to teach those names than by saying themâoften. Label objects around the house (bathtub, sink, stove, crib, lights, chair, couch) and food that you and baby eat or that you're dropping into the shopping cart at the store.
Play eyes-nose-mouth (take baby's hand and touch your eyes, your nose, and your mouth, kissing that sweet hand at the last stop). Point out arms, legs, hands, and feet as well as shirt, pants, skirt, shoes, boots, coat. Identify birds, dogs, trees, leaves, flowers, cars, trucks, and fire engines wherever you see them. Don't leave out peopleâpoint out mommies, daddies, babies, women, men, girls, boys. And don't forget about baby's name, too. Using it often will help your little one develop a sense of self (“Wait a second ⦠that's me!”).
Listen, listen, listen.
While keeping up a steady stream of speech helps your baby beef up his or her vocabulary, everyone needs a chance to express themselvesâespecially baby talkers. When your baby starts jabbering on (about what, you're not sure), pause, look him or her in the face, and really listen as if you understood every attempt at words. Even if you haven't identified any real words yet, listen to the babble and respond, the best you can: “Really? That's awesome!” Baby's not buying itâthe communication gap is so massive that you can't figure out what baby's trying to say or asking for, and frustration's building fast? Point to possible candidates (“Do you want the ball? The bottle? The puzzle?”), giving baby a moment to let you know whether you've guessed right (maybe not through words, but through body language). You won't always bridge the communication gap or ease frustration, but your sweet talker will take note that you're paying close attentionâwhich will encourage more verbal efforts.
Question, question, question.
Ask lots of questions. (“Should we walk to the park or the play gym?” “Do you think Grandma would like this birthday card with flowers on it, or this one with the birds?”) Then follow up with an answer. (“Yes, I think Grandma would like these pretty birds.”) Yup, you're talking to yourself, technically, but you're also modeling the give-and-take of conversation.
Give a play-by-play.
Stumped for a topic of conversation? Just tell your baby what you're doing. “Mama is zipping up Jayden's jacketâzzzip! That will keep you nice and warm. Now let's put on some mittensâone, twoâand a hat. How about this one with the blue dots?” Hear something? Point it out to your baby:“Listen, a doggie is barking!” or “I hear a car going zoom, zoom down the street.” And be sure to explain what's going on around your little one, too: “It's sunny today.” “The apple is in the fridge.” “Daddy uses a little brush to brush your teeth and a big brush for your hair.” “The ball goes up, the ball comes down.” “Soap makes my hands clean.” And so on.
Concentrate on concepts.
Language learning isn't just about wordsâit's about concepts, too. So take the time to teach your baby as you go about your day:
⢠Hot and cold: Let baby touch the outside of your warm (not hot) coffee cup, then an ice cube. Cold water, then warm water. Warm oatmeal, then cold milk. Point out that the yogurt you took out of the fridge is cold, the peas you took out of the freezer are very cold ⦠brrrrr.
⢠Up and down: Gently lift baby up in the air, then lower to the ground. Place a toy up on the dresser, then put it down on the floor. Go up the stairs (or escalator, or elevator) together, then down.
⢠In and out: Put blocks in a container, dump them out. Pour water in a cup, then pour it out. Fill the shopping
cart, with groceries then take them out at the checkout.
⢠Empty and full: Show baby a container filled with bathwater, then one that's empty. A pail filled with sand, then an empty one.
⢠Stand and sit: Hold baby's hands, stand together, then sit down together (use Ring Around the Rosie to help with this concept). If baby's not yet standing, hold him or her while you stand and sit.
⢠Wet and dry: Compare a wet washcloth and a dry towel. Baby's just-shampooed hair with your dry hair. Wet laundry with dry laundry. Dry cereal with cereal that's moistened with milk.
⢠Big and little: Set a big ball beside a little one or sit a big teddy next to a little one. Show baby that “Daddy is big and baby is little” in the mirror.
Become color conscious.
Colors are everywhere, so start identifying them whenever you can: “Look at that red balloon. It's red, just like your shirt,” or “That truck is green, and your stroller is green, too,” or “Look at those pretty yellow flowers.” Keep in mind, however, that most little ones don't “learn” their colors (they may notice different colors but can't typically identify them) until sometime around age 3.