What We've Become (My Kind Of Country Book 2) (7 page)

“You’re an idiot,” Katie blurted out. “A jealous, raging idiot, with no concern for anyone but yourself and your stupid pride.” The thought flitted through her mind that she, too, was being idiotic, allowing herself and Mason to continually endure this kind of living arrangement purely for the sake of ‘trying’ to make something work that very obviously wasn’t. She silently pulled two plates from the cupboard and began to dish out portions onto each of them. Jay could dish out his own. She could hear him pacing on the other side of the kitchen island but didn’t turn around.

“You’ll have to go in and apologize to Mason. It’ll be a long few days together while I’m at the farm if you don’t.” She tried to even out her tone in hopes of dissipating the anger and tension between them.

“You need to just sell that damn place, Katie. And let go of everything associated with it. Maybe, then, we would actually have a fighting chance.” Jay, however, didn’t seem the least bit interested in lessening the animosity. She knew he was referring to Chad as the thing ‘associated with’ the farm, but she refused to take the bait.

“I’m not selling it, Jay. We’ve been through this. It was my Dad’s home—”

“And your father is dead, Katie. Dead.”

She turned sharply, fixing her glare on him. She swallowed hard but kept her face stone-like, the steam rising steadily from the two dishes she held. She saw no remorse for his words or his actions. She left him standing alone in the kitchen nook as she trudged down the hall to Mason’s bedroom, refusing to even dignify his ruthless, biting words with an answer.

***

Katie should have been tired. After a prolonged goodbye to Mason (he had begun to cry as soon as she’d slammed the trunk lid down on her luggage bag), a curt, tense exchange with Jay about the things he needed to remember with regard to Mason’s care, more than a few moments of second guessing her decision to leave Mason alone with him at all, then a six hour flight with a delayed stopover, a long lineup while she waited to pick up her rental car, and a struggle getting a wood fire lit once she finally did make it to the farm, Katie knew she should have been burnt out and ready for sleep. She and Mason had just been talking, only a few days ago, about missing the comfy old double bed they’d spent numerous Saturday mornings cuddled up in together, planning out their activities for their day on the farm. She should have been eager to climb into that bed and rest her exhausted body.

Instead, she was no more prepared for sleep than she was for the deafening silence and loneliness that welcomed her home. The animals and birds had made more noise, and offered more companionship than she had realized. She wandered around the barnyard, peeking into the vacant chicken coop, and running her hands along the old barn beams that made up the horse stalls as she passed. Sporadic flakes of snow began to drift slowly from the darkening sky above her, only adding to the cold and forgotten feel of her surroundings.

It all seemed so void of feeling somehow. Such a lack of attachment and purpose.

Maybe I could walk away from here for good
, she thought, staring grimly at the outbuildings and fencing, as the snowflakes began to land on them and remain visible. The moment she dragged herself back onto the porch and into the warmth of the house’s interior, Katie was reminded almost immediately of exactly why she couldn’t do such a thing. Seeing the cedar planks adorning the walls of the cozy kitchen brought reminiscent tears to her eyes, and she could once again visualize the time she and her father had spent remodeling the old farmhouse to suit his rustic sense of decor. She may not be able to see him anymore, or hold his frail hands, but she could sense her Dad’s presence when she was within these walls, and she’d be damned if she would give that up to suit someone else’s needs.

Instead of attempting to achieve the sleep she knew wouldn’t yet come, Katie grabbed the only bottle of cheap wine she had left in the house, snatched the radio from the kitchen window, and ran a bath. She let the water turn as hot as she could physically handle before pushing the plug in and letting the old claw foot bathtub fill. She inhaled the steam as it wafted into the air, quickly creating a film of condensation across the oval shaped mirror above the sink.

She may have gasped as she inched herself into the scalding water, cursing herself for letting it get so hot, but within minutes her head was rested comfortably along the bathtub rim and her muscles and joints were growing less tense.

Tomorrow, she would visit the farmer down the road and hopefully arrange a deal with him to check on the house and property while she was in Nashville over Christmas, but tonight she had little else to occupy her time except over-thinking everything, and eventually—hopefully—sleeping. Therefore, drinking wine from the bottle and listening to the radio while she waited for the water to cool seemed like the only logical option.

The chill from within her bones slowly dissipated as her mind floated over thoughts of all that had happened in the past few days.

And thoughts of Chad.

It was all supposed to be over with him, and yet Katie felt as though this was just the beginning. Even now, being back at Rustic Acres—the place she and Chad had sparked their friendship and bloomed their quiet affections for one another—she was sure she was closer to him somehow, despite being hundreds of miles away. Months ago, Katie had been convinced she would be able to turn her back on his kind of love, even if just for the sake of her son to have his father in his daily life—to have a
normal
life. But then she’d seen Chad, in all his glory, up on that stage, his husky voice crooning so beautifully with the music his band played. Then, he’d talked to her as though no time had passed between them at all. He missed her just as much as she missed him, and she liked the thought of having someone miss her like that.

She had been away from Mason less than a day, yet she yearned to see his face and hear his uplifting chatter. She had yet to give Jay a second thought, however, save for fleeting moments when she questioned herself as to why she ever thought trying to build a relationship with him again would ever work out. It was impossible to build anything on a crumbling foundation, and the strong and sturdy foundation on which she and Jay’s love for each other had once been constructed, was nothing more than dust now, eroded by broken promises and shattered hearts. There was nothing left between them, she could see that now. So, why was it so hard to admit it when Jay was in her presence? Why couldn’t she just tell him—or better yet, how could he not see it? Their days together since the fall had been filled with snippy comments, full out arguments, and tip toeing around the truth of their unhappiness. Only a few moments broke through that web of discontent and registered on Katie’s radar as happy moments. Yet, Jay still seemed to believe there was something left worth clinging on to.

Was she the one being unreasonable, dooming them before really giving it one last chance?
That
was the problem: She didn’t want to be the one who would be unwilling to try. In the end, she feared being deemed the thoughtless one who refused to try to keep their family together. She worried too much about how it affected other people, perhaps, but it was the truth nonetheless. And despite the knowledge that Jay had already walked away from their impending marriage and family life once, he wanted to put it all back together again. It pained her to think that if it didn’t work this time, it could be blamed on her actions.

Maybe I’m just as selfish as I think he is
, she thought idly.
Maybe we deserve each other…and the misery that being together brings.

A string of familiar chords pulled Katie from her dark thoughts, and she stared at the radio suspiciously. As Chad Ashton’s brand new single played through the static, she stared up at the ceiling hopelessly, wondering if perhaps misery had a way of following her so as to always keep her company.

CHAD

Despite being filled with promotional events and endless hours in the recording studio, Chad found his days still managed to drag on, leaving him too much time to ruminate and not enough time to do anything about it.

Not that he knew what he would do about any of it, anyway. The more he analyzed Katie and Jay from his vantage point, the more confused he got. There were conflicting signals from both sides: Katie seemed hell-bent on sticking by Jay, despite admitting she missed
him
. Jay seemed determined to keep Katie as his own, despite having already left her once—for Chad’s ex, no less—and lacking trust in her. Why could neither of them see how deranged their relationship was? Chad knew his own opinion was biased, caring little about how anything affected Jay and being more invested in Katie’s welfare than he probably should be. It’s funny how that happened after falling in love with someone.

The whole messy cluster of emotions and uncertainty led him to the present moment, sprawled out across his black leather sofa staring mindlessly at the slip of paper he turned over repeatedly between his fingertips. If he thought about it hard enough, he could still picture Katie’s hand moving effortlessly as she scrawled her cell number onto it. Since then, it remained either tucked in his wallet, travelling with him from each radio interview and meeting, or placed beside the papers strewn about his coffee table he’d been scribbling down song ideas on, like a tangible muse he could consult when needed. He’d written two additional words on that scrap of paper, too, to match one of his song ideas.

Friends
, she’d said. He had been foolish to agree, but just as desperate to not lose her completely. Was he a despicable person for wanting to remain on the sidelines to be there for her? The cracks were beginning to show in the makeshift exterior of her relationship with Jay, and then what? When it all came crashing down, he needed to make certain he was there to show Katie she hadn’t lost everything just because she didn’t have Jay anymore. She would have
him
. And he wanted her to have him. Yeah, despicable was a good word to describe him.

Yet, he did it anyway. He plucked his cell phone from the table beside him and thumb dialed the number into his phone for safe keeping. Instead of calling, though, he texted her. Somehow the action seemed more distant, less invasive. He knew she was in Canada, anyway; there was a chance she wouldn’t even have her phone turned on. The roaming charges could add up quickly once the border was crossed. He’d learned that the hard way during one of his first shows in Toronto.

Hey, it’s Chad. Just wanted to say hello...and make sure you made it into the Great White North okay.
He sent the text and let out a long sigh, making sure to slip the scrap of paper back into his wallet. The doorbell-sounding alert of his phone sounded loud in the silent living room, and a swell of happiness flooded through him at the sight of her words.

Pleasant surprise. Made it here fine. Can you call me instead? Not good with this whole texting thing.

Chad chuckled as he redialed her number.

“That was fast,” she greeted him.

“Faster than waiting for you to figure out how to text.”

“Easy, Kirkwood. This cell phone stuff is not for the technologically impaired.”

“I’ll keep that in mind. How was your trip?” Chad stretched his legs out again on the couch, his arm swung back behind his head.

“Long. This seems like the day that will never end.” Weariness was shrouding her voice, mixed in with the muffled sound of music.

“And is the new Carrie Underwood album helping you get through it?”

She laughed. “I have the radio playing. I need some kind of noise to keep me company here. It’s silent as a tomb, I swear. You kept me company about twenty minutes ago, actually. Well, Chad Ashton did.”

He bit back a smile. “I’m going to have to talk to that guy about following you around.”

“Don’t bother. I happen to like that new song of his. He can follow me around anytime,” she chuckled, and Chad’s ear picked up on another sound.

“Was that water splashing?”

“I happen to be relaxing in the bathtub.”

Chad swallowed hard, desperate to keep the mental images at bay. “Now I feel like I’m intruding.”

“You are. How dare you interrupt my date night with the radio and a bottle of wine?”

He could practically hear her grinning through the phone line. “So you like the new single?” It was a feeble attempt at luring the conversation onto safer ground; as far away as he could get from the vivid images his mind conjured of Katie chin deep in the steaming water of the bathtub.

“It’s great, actually. Back to the roots of what country music used to be. Don’t get me wrong, I love listening to the newer breed of artists, but there’s something to be said about the timelessness of a song you can picture George Strait or Alan Jackson singing.”

Chad didn’t even know what to say. He’d spent years trying to explain exactly that to Liz, and here Katie was, trying to explain it to
him
. “If you didn’t already have it, I would say you’re a woman after my own heart.”

“My dad and I used to listen to the radio and he would quiz me on singers’ names and song titles. It became a daily game. I got my love of that twangy, honky tonk type of country music honestly.”

“That sounds like a great way to grow up. My dad was the one telling me to put the damn guitar away and get a real job.” More bitterness came out in his statement than he expected. “Maybe I should send him a copy of my album when it comes out, just to prove a point.” He let a laugh escape his lips, trying to lighten the mood.