What We've Become (My Kind Of Country Book 2) (11 page)

Jay’s eyes locked with hers, words failing him. She found the truth in the silence looming between them, and swallowed hard.

“It’s okay for you to still speak with her—the woman you left me for, the woman who aided in letting me believe Chad had used me to get back at her? That’s all okay, but I can’t even bring a coffee to Chad and visit with him in the presence of my son? Yeah, the fairness in that is astounding.”

“This isn’t about me and Liz, Katie. It’s different. Chad still wants you, and don’t act like you don’t realize that.”

She said nothing. There was no use disputing something so blatantly obvious.

“What about you, Katie?”

“What about me?”

“Do you want him, too?”

“I—” Her inability to string a sentence together spoke volumes, even to her own ears. “It’s no secret that I don’t know what I want, Jay. You have known that since the beginning of this—this mess.” She chose honesty over damage control, as too much damage had already been done.

“This is never going to work—you being here in Nashville with me—if you don’t start putting a little effort into it. You’re bouncing back and forth between Chad and me, like it’s okay to have us both.”

Katie’s eyes widened. “Me? Jay, you’re no better! You’re out that door the first chance you get every day. Oh, and perhaps I should remind you—
you
pushed me back towards Chad, not the other way around. I’m not
with
him, either. Nor am I with you, it seems.” She shook her head, running her hands through her hair in frustration.

“I’ll admit my mistakes, even if you won’t admit that you want to be with him.”

Katie tilted her head upwards. “Just because you and I aren’t working out like you—”

“Because you want him, and not me.”

“Because you and I aren’t meant—”

“Would you just admit it, Katie?” Jay yelled.

Katie winced at his sudden outburst. After a moment, she held her hands up in surrender. “Fine, I love Chad. Is that what you want to hear, Jay? I love him! Is that what you want me to say?” Tears stung at the edges of her eyes, but she’d be damned if she would let them fall, and began blinking wildly to keep them at bay.

“Maybe, if that’s the truth.”

“Well, maybe it is.”

“And maybe it isn’t. I don’t think you even know. Love is a pretty strong word, especially for you, Katie.” His voice lowered, defeat edging his words.

“You don’t have any right to insinuate that I can’t tell love from attraction.” She peered up at him, her hands shaking from the emotional upheaval coiling inside her.

“Do you love
me
, Katie?”

The question floored her, a lump forming thick in her throat as she weighed her response. “That’s something I don’t know, and I’m pretty sure your answer would be the same about me.”

“You should go.”

“Pardon?” His words seemed so out of place that she wasn’t sure if she heard him properly.

“If he’s the only other person you have here, you need to go to Chad.”

“I’m not going to—”

“I’m not debating this, Katie.” Jay’s voice was raw with conviction. “Until you’ve made a real choice, you should go. You’ll never know if he is what you truly think he is, unless you go.”

“You have got to be kidding.” Was he testing her in some way? “Jay, Mason is going to be back any minute—”

“And I will make up some ridiculous excuse for why you had to leave. He’ll stay here with me tonight. Now, get out.” Jay pulled her cell phone from the kitchen countertop and stepped closer to her, pushing the device into her hand. He no longer sounded angry, which made his demand all the more incredulous.

“Jay—”

“Katie! If you want to find out how
done
you and I really are, you need to eliminate either him or me from this equation. It will never add up otherwise, and we’ll just end up continuing our ride on this carousel of unhappiness. I’m not blaming it all on you, but I am telling you to leave...alone.”

She stared up at the face of the man she once thought she would marry. He glared back at her, his tight grimace and disdain-filled eyes unrecognizable. He had left her once for another woman, calling off their engagement and stating that the death of her father had turned her into someone too different from the woman he’d once loved—like his decision to leave was her fault. Now, he stood in front of her, demanding her to leave his apartment after she’d stupidly taken him back. Taking someone back after infidelity, and forgiving that person for their cruelty, were two very different things, however. Rebuilding trust with someone she hadn’t yet forgiven was even more difficult when she’d accidentally fallen in love with someone else
before
taking him back. She didn’t share the connection with Jay that she had discovered with Chad, and the thought occurred to her that she wasn’t sure if she ever really did. Jay admitted he didn’t trust her with Chad, yet Katie was the one who had countless reasons to distrust
him
.

There was nothing left for them, then, save for a lifetime of arguments and discontentment. If he was testing her, fine. She would take the bait. As she shook her head and headed for the door, tears beginning to flow freely down her cheeks, she idly wondered if she had passed or failed.

CHAD

The consecutive late night rendezvous in the recording studio with only his guitar as company were beginning to catch up with him, and Chad knew he needed to start sleeping more and thinking less. His thoughts and inner turmoil were aiding in his songwriting, however, he’d put more lyrics down on paper in the last few days than he had in a year. The acoustic guitar lying across the couch cushions, and the loose papers and pencils strewn about the coffee table and floor proved it.

I should hire a maid
, he quipped silently. He knew he’d never be able to handle having a relative stranger rifling through his things and putting his stuff where it didn’t belong. His cell phone chimed, alerting him of an incoming text message, and he had to dig it out from underneath a pile of sheet music. It was Barry, telling him he would be away tomorrow, but he was more than welcome to let himself in and use the studio as he sought fit. His manager had been kind enough to give him a key to the house after he’d returned to Nashville a few months ago with a new drive and fervor to take his musical career to new heights. He appreciated the sentiment but, as he’d said to Katie, he was beginning to feel as though he lived there, spending his nights and evenings singing the same songs over and over again into the microphone, scratching at his papers with a pencil as he made adjustments to the lyrics and music he’d created. He would never complain about it—it had taken his entire life to make it to exactly this point—but sometimes he longed to have a reason not to work so late into the evening hours, avoiding the emptiness and solitary feel of his home. Sometimes, he wished he had a reason to want to come home. Instead, he had the new album coming out, and now was in the preliminary stages of planning a tour. Opening for a bigger name and being able to reach larger crowds would only fuel the momentum of his career, not to mention allowing him reprieve for weeks at a time from the confinement of his one bedroom apartment.

He stood up to stretch his legs, placing the cell phone back on the table. Remembering that the coffee pot was still on, he headed for it. He was practically in front of the intercom when it buzzed loudly, startling him.

“Christ...” His heart pounded loudly in his ears. He couldn’t remember the last time anyone had come there, and even now he wondered if whoever was buzzing the intercom had actually chosen the wrong apartment number. He pushed in the button below the speaker and spoke into it.

“Hello?”

Silence met his greeting.

“Is there someone there?” He tried again, letting the button go and listening intently.

“Chad, it’s me.”

“Katie?” Surprise rippled through him in waves, and he realized he wasn’t holding the button to transmit his response downstairs. “Katie, I’m coming down. Hold on.”

She didn’t respond, but he was already heading for the stairs anyway, taking them two at a time, refusing to wait for the elevator. He jumped the last few stairs and hit the landing with a dull thud, his sock-covered feet softening the landing. Through the locked entry doors, Katie stared back at him, her face tear-streaked and etched with—what was that? Sadness? Anger?

He pushed the door open and didn’t hesitate to envelope her within his arms, holding her tightly against his chest. He could feel each sob as it wracked her body, shuddering and heaving as the overwhelming emotions flowed freely from within her. With each tender stroke of her hair, he focused on trying to calm her emotional state, whispering soothing promises that it would all be okay and that she was going to be fine now. People craned their neck and sent questioning stares in their direction as they stood in the middle of the sidewalk, but Chad made no movement to hide their embrace; the bystanders could walk around them. His mind raced rampantly with the series of potential conclusions his mind was coming to.

“It’s okay, Katie,” he whispered against her ear. “You’re okay now.”

“I’m sorry.” Her voice was muffled and choked with each sob that escaped her throat. “I had nowhere else to go.”

He pulled away just enough to peer down into her eyes, his thumb rising to wipe away a stray tear that slid down her cheek. “There is nowhere else in this world I would want you to be.” He pointed toward the door that had clicked shut behind him, and she nodded at his unspoken invite. Chad let his hand cup hers as he led her inside after pressing the access code and hearing the door click open again.

“You must be freezing being only in your socks on that concrete.”

Chad chuckled as he led her up the stairs slowly. “Leave it to you to show up here with tears staining your cheeks and still be worried about whether or not I’m cold.” He pushed the door open to his apartment and stepped aside, allowing her to enter first.

The sunlight was beginning to streak in golden hues through the window, indicating it was later in the afternoon than he expected. Darkness would fall soon, and he silently wondered what kind of inventory he had to make up a bed on the couch.

Katie seemed out of place, standing awkwardly near the door, obviously unsure what to do or say next. She wrung her hands together, not meeting his eyes. Chad wondered if she was second-guessing her decision to come there, and the thought terrified him.

“You don’t need to explain yourself, Katie. At least, not right now.” He offered her a shy smile, hoping to put her mind at ease. When her shoulders lowered, he felt a swell of pride at knowing he had succeeded, albeit remotely. “I'll tell you what. The bathroom is right in there.” He pointed to a partially closed door just off the other side of the open concept living area. “You go ahead and run a hot shower. My bedroom is attached to it, so go ahead and grab a shirt or something if you would prefer to be a little more comfortable. While you do that, I'll make something to drink and we can talk about this when you’re ready. If you want, I mean.”

She gave him a sad smile. “You sound nervous, Chad.”

“I guess I’m just not sure what is really going on here. So, yeah, I suppose I am a little nervous.” He ran a hand through his hair.

She nodded, uncertainty flashing once again in her eyes. “Fair enough. That makes two of us, then.”

He watched her tuck her shoes beside the apartment door and disappear into the bathroom, closing the door gently behind her. As the door clicked softly shut, he let out the breath he hadn’t realized he’d been holding. A minute later, Katie’s muffled voice could be heard on the other side of the door, first edgy and bitter, then morphing into a false happy tone. It took a moment for him to piece it together. She had to be on her cell phone, and obviously had to convince Jay to put Mason on the phone. Chad averted his gaze from the door, feeling ashamed at wanting to eavesdrop.

What the hell had happened? There had been no word from her in two long days, and now she showed up at his apartment with a tear-stained face and a defeated spirit? It couldn’t be a coincidence that he’d had the impromptu visit from Jay earlier.

A shimmer of hope was igniting inside him; hope that she had actually wanted to come to him, hope that she had finally admitted her true feelings to Jay—and to herself—and that she was there because she wanted to be, not just because he was the only other person she knew in the city. He busied himself setting up the kettle to boil water, trying to distract himself from the thought. Unfortunately, it only filled a few minutes of his time, and his mind wandered to the other side of the bathroom door when he heard the shower begin to run. The mental image of Katie standing under the steady spray as the steam floated in a hazy cloud around her bare skin caused his pulse to quicken, but it was promptly doused by the thought that the hot water may also be covering up a thin line of tears spilling from her eyelids, as well. Both ideas made him want to go to her, but for entirely different reasons.

He flinched, startled at the sound of the kettle clicking off, a rolling steam dissipating into the air above the spout. He shook his head at his own foolishness, digging through the cupboards in search of the box of tea he knew was in there somewhere. He preferred coffee, but his mother had instilled in him a desire for chamomile tea when things got tough, despite the chiding remarks his father had repeatedly made about it. Somehow, even decades later, the scent of chamomile tea settled his nerves and eased his rigid posture during times of tension and stress. It was just one more thing his father had been wrong about, as far as he was concerned.