What's His Passion 2 - Climbing the Savage Mountain (2 page)

“Thanks.” Toby swooped in for another kiss before he dashed toward the back staircase. “I’ll be right back down.”

“You better be, or I’m going to skip the steak and eat the chocolate cake I baked for you.”

Toby skidded to a halt at the foot of the stairs. He turned to eye Jensen. “What’s going on? Why did you bake me a cake? Are you leaving again?”

Jensen waved his questions away. “We’ll talk after dinner. I also don’t want the meat to get burned. So go.”

As much as Toby loved Jensen’s chocolate cake, the excitement at the possibility of eating it had dulled. Knowing that it had been cooked to soften a coming blow didn’t make Toby want to race upstairs anymore. He leaned against the wall and stared at Jensen who puttered around the kitchen, avoiding his gaze.

“Jensen? Come on, talk to me. Are you going on another climbing trip?”

He didn’t really like the trips Jensen took to climb some of the world’s most dangerous mountains, but he’d never tried to stop him. Toby understood that it was how Jensen coped with the stress of the world around him. Jensen had tried to deal with drugs and alcohol and all that had done was make him a recovering addict.

At least with climbing, he was doing something healthy. Toby silently amended that. The kind of high altitude expeditions Jensen went on would have him leave excited and happy to go on the journey, and return to Toby wasted away from the toll conquering the mountain had taken on him.

Toby didn’t like seeing Jensen diminished in any way, and he wasn’t a hundred percent sure climbing was the best thing for Jensen. It was almost as though he replaced one addiction with another and any of them could kill him if he wasn’t careful.

“Toby. Please, go change and come back down to eat. I told you. We’ll talk about it after dinner.”

Jensen looked up then and Toby saw the almost feverish glow in his lover’s eyes—a glow that caused his heart to sink. Jensen was leaving again, and Toby didn’t know if he could stand it one more time.

He trudged up the stairs to their bedroom where he quickly changed. His dress shirt went in the pile for the dry cleaners, along with his pants. His shoes were lined up neatly with the others at the bottom of the closet, socks and undershirt tossed into the hamper.

Toby dug out his favorite pair of ripped jeans and the Wyoming sweatshirt he’d stolen from Jensen. Once he got those on, he tugged on a pair of thick socks before heading back down to where Jensen waited for him. He tried to summon a smile for his lover when he stepped into the dining room, but he didn’t have one to give.

“Sit and eat.” Jensen motioned to his usual spot at the table. “I already poured you some cider.”

Toby frowned. “You managed to do all this after working at the gym today? You know you didn’t have to go to all this trouble. I could’ve picked something up on the way home.”

Jensen shook his head. “Don’t worry about it, Toby. I don’t mind cooking. It helps unclutter my mind.”

Like climbing, Jensen had discovered an affinity for cooking and he was quite good at it. Toby would never complain about returning from work to find a home-cooked meal on the table waiting for him. He just didn’t want it to be because Jensen was trying to figure out how to tell him he was leaving.

Gripping his knife until his knuckles turned white, Toby stared at Jensen. “Please tell me. You know the waiting makes it worse. How long will you be gone this time?”

Sighing, Jensen set his fork down before meeting Toby’s gaze. “Do you remember me telling you that Cat, Jigger and I had planned on climbing Everest last year?”

Toby nodded even while his heart sank. Everest. One of two mountains still on Jensen’s bucket list. He took a quick swallow of cider, wishing it were beer instead before he motioned for Jensen to continue.

“We couldn’t last year because the climbing season was suspended after all those Sherpas were killed and the rest went on strike. You can’t climb Everest without Sherpas to help you. I don’t care what anyone says. Those men are mountain gods. I wouldn’t go on any expedition to Everest that didn’t use them.” Jensen stabbed at his steak, his expression fierce.

“I remember you telling me about the avalanche and that it was the deadliest single day incident on the mountain ever—even worse than the nineteen-ninety-six storm.” Toby held back the shudder threatening to take over his body at the thought of Jensen being up on that mountain when the storms started rolling in.

“Yeah. So they canceled the season and we couldn’t go. Well, Jigger called this morning and said that we got our permit and we’re going this year.” He was practically bouncing in his chair. “I’m going to fly out to Wyoming at the end of February so we can get in some real climbs and train together. We’re flying into Katmandu around the end of March. We need to get to Base Camp in April.”

“February?”

It was the second week of January. He should be glad he’d had Jensen around for Christmas and New Year’s.

“Yeah. I’m sorry. I would’ve let you know sooner, but we weren’t sure we’d get another permit. The climbing season starts in March, but we decided to try and get there for the optimal time to summit, which is May.” Jensen took a deep breath and Toby could see him visibly reining in his excitement.

He didn’t move when Jensen reached across the table to take his hand with his own. Toby looked into Jensen’s hazel eyes and saw the spark that had always attracted him to Jensen. For the most part nowadays, it was there because of him. Yet Toby knew that the only other thing that could make Jensen shine like that was climbing.

“When will you be back?”

Toby tried to keep his hold on Jensen light, as though he were sheltering baby chicks in his hands. He was exhausted from worrying about clinging to Jensen, afraid that if he became too needy, Jensen wouldn’t come back from one of his climbs. That he’d run away again like he did seven years ago.

“By the end of May or beginning of June—no later. I’ll go back to Wyoming with Jigger and Cat to make sure they’re okay then I’ll come straight back here.” Jensen’s grip on Toby’s hand tightened and Toby gritted his teeth. “I’ve been dreaming about Everest since I first started climbing.”

“You told me that. You’ll be able to cross it off your bucket list if you summit, right?” he asked, hoping it wouldn’t turn into something Jensen wanted to do all the time.

“Yep.
When
we summit. There’s no doubt the three of us are going to make it all the way up to the top. I don’t plan on spending all that money and traveling that far not to conquer that mountain.” Jensen’s grin held supreme confidence.

Shifting in his seat, Toby tugged his hand free then reached down to adjust his cock in his jeans. Jensen leaned back in his chair with a smirk on his face. The ass knew exactly what he was doing to Toby.

“After Everest, you’ll have only one more mountain to summit, then you can focus on something else,” Toby commented, not willing to acknowledge the erection he was sporting. That was something they could both address after dinner.

“Yeah. K2, a bitch of a piece of wind-scarred rock. A lot of people think Everest is the pinnacle of climbing, but not me. To summit K2, you need balls and guts. I think it’ll be technically more difficult than Everest as well.” Jensen rubbed his chin. “I have to call Cat and Jigger. One of the guys we climb with a lot has applied for a permit to climb one of the routes on that mountain. I need to find out if he’s heard from the Pakistani government yet.”

Toby watched as Jensen drifted off, obviously starting to make a checklist for his K2 climb. He stretched to grab a roll then tossed it at Jensen, hitting him smack in the face. Jensen jerked and glared at him.

“What the hell was that for?” Jensen snatched the bread off the floor then dropped it on the table. “Are you trying to start a food fight?”

“No. Don’t get ahead of yourself. You have a more recent climb to train and plan for. You don’t need to be figuring out the logistics on the K2 trip yet.” Toby didn’t want him to go on
either
expedition, yet he didn’t feel like he could ask Jensen to stay home, not when he was so close to reaching his ultimate goal.

Jensen shook his entire body as though he were getting rid of everything except what was going on around him at that moment. After taking a sip of his cider, he smiled at Toby.

“How was work?”

Toby shrugged. “Crazy. You would think someone flipped a switch somewhere. Clients want to buy—or sell—and I’m trying to convince them all not do to a fire sale. The markets have been relatively steady the past couple of months. I guess people think that something bad is about to happen and they want to get out before it does. Or some of them want to see how much money they can make from other people’s panic.”

“Man, I don’t miss those days. I’d usually be calling my dealer about one in the afternoon and get him to make a delivery. Plus the fifth of whiskey I kept in my bottom desk drawer would be empty by the time I left work.” Jensen rocked back on the hind legs of the chair, arms folded over his chest.

“Seriously? I guess I didn’t know dealers made house calls. Of course, I wasn’t into drugs that much. Did some once in a while when we went clubbing, but never got hooked.” He took a bite of his steak that had gotten cold while they talked.

Jensen let his chair fall back to the floor. “Yeah. I always wanted to tell you not to do any of that shit when we went out because I was so afraid you’d get caught up in it like me. I was happy when it seemed like you were only a recreational user.”

“I stopped doing even that when you disappeared,” Toby confessed. “I didn’t go out much for a while after that. I tended to drink my sorrows, not drug myself into a stupor.”

“I’m sorry,” Jensen apologized for the millionth time.

He held up his hand. “Stop apologizing. I forgave you when you agreed to move in with me.”

Chapter Two

To struggle and to understand. Never the last without the first. That is the law.

—George Mallory

That might have been true, but Jensen felt as if he could never apologize enough for the hurt he’d caused Toby when he ran away.
If I’m so sorry about it, why do I keep leaving?
He kept waiting for Toby to ask him that every time he headed out on another climbing trip. Yet Toby never questioned him, just let Jensen take off for months on end and always welcomed him back with open arms.

How much longer can I expect him to wait around? At some point, he’s going to realize this isn’t the perfect relationship I’d promised him we’d have.

He dropped his gaze to the empty plate in front of him. Jensen clenched his hands, fighting the need for a drink of whiskey or scotch—anything that would dull the emotions swirling around in his head. But he didn’t drink anymore and there wasn’t any alcohol in the house.

Toby had stopped drinking as well when he’d learned about Jensen’s addiction, just another sign of how much Toby loved him. He felt like an ass because he was so excited to finally be able to climb Everest and he could see how much Toby wanted to be happy for him, but the thought of Jensen being gone for so long was apparently not something Toby wanted to dwell on.

After jumping to his feet, Jensen carried their plates into the kitchen then grabbed the cake off the counter. He’d baked it earlier that day after getting Jigger’s call about the trip. In the back of his mind, he must have wanted to soften the blow because he knew Toby wasn’t going to be happy about it.

When he got back to the dining room, Toby was standing by the large bay window that overlooked their backyard. He’d rested one hand on the window frame and was rubbing his neck with the other. Tension rolled off him, making Jensen wish for the hundredth time that he wasn’t a completely selfish asshole who wasn’t going to ask Toby to be patient two more times.

“How big do you want your piece?” Jensen interjected a hint of joviality into his voice. He held the knife poised over the cake.

Toby glanced over his shoulder at him and shrugged. “I’m not really hungry for cake right now. Maybe we could have some later.”

“Okay. Did you want to go take a shower? Or I thought we could go for a run later,” he suggested.

“A run would be nice.” Toby inhaled deeply and squared his shoulders before turning to face Jensen. “Tell me more about Everest. You said you’re flying into Katmandu? That’s in Nepal, right?”

Toby was trying and Jensen had to honor his attempt. He put the cake away then got the pitcher of cider from the fridge. After refilling their glasses, he took Toby’s hand and led him into the living room where he got Toby settled on the couch. Jensen started a fire in the fireplace before joining his lover.

He entwined their fingers together, rubbing his thumb over Toby’s knuckles as he thought about what he could say to convince Toby to be excited about the whole situation. Finally, he just decided to talk. Maybe something in his words would spark an emotion in Toby.

“Yeah. It’s the capital of Nepal. We fly in there then head to Lukla where we’ll trek up to Everest Base Camp. The company we’re going through plans expeditions up the Southeast Face. The North Col, which is on the Chinese side, is a technically more difficult climb, but none of us want to deal with the bullshit that China’s government hands out from time to time. It’s easier to go through Nepal.” Jensen shrugged.

Toby looked interested, though Jensen wasn’t entirely sure if he really felt that way or was simply trying to be nice.

“Why Everest?” Toby asked. “Whenever I hear people talk about something on their bucket list—or the ultimate dream—a lot of them say climbing Everest. What makes Everest such a goal?”

Jensen scrubbed his hand over his hair as he tried to think about how to explain how he felt whenever he imagined climbing Everest. “I don’t know about other people, though for most of them, Everest might seem like the biggest insurmountable obstacle they can think of. And to be able to say they got to the summit ends up putting them in a rare class of people who have faced a challenge and defeated it.”