Where Rainbows End (22 page)

I’m thinking of sending Gary to electrocution . . . sorry, elocution lessons so he can brush up on his “how now brown cows,” instead of his “hugh, nugh, brugh, cughs.” I mentioned it to him last night love, rosie

195

and he just grunted, “Why do I want to know about wiring houses, Ma?”

So I left my wonderfully intelligent family and soaked myself in the bath and considered drowning myself. Then I remembered I still had chocolate cake left over from yesterday so I came back up for air. Some things are worth living for.

But thank you for the gift, Rosie; we had fun in the class, didn’t we?

I can’t remember ever laughing so much in my life, which on second thought is probably why my stomach is so sore. Thank you for reminding me that I’m a woman, that I have hips, that I can be sexy, that I can laugh and have fun.

And thank you for bringing the sexy Ricardo into my life. Can’t wait to feel this way again next week. Now after all my whinging and moaning, how do you feel?

Rosie:

Oh fine, thanks. No complaints.

Ruby:

Ha!

Rosie:

OK, OK so I feel a little stiff.

Ruby:

Ha!

Rosie:

Oh OK so the bus had to lower the wheelchair ramp for me this morning because I couldn’t lift my leg.

Ruby:

That’s more like it.

Rosie:

Oh the beautiful Ricardo, Ruby!! I had a dream about him last night. I woke up with my top off and my pillow covered in drool.

(OK so,
not really.
) The sound of that sexy Italian accent shouting,

“Ros-ie!! Pay atten-see-on!” and, “Ros-ie! Stup laff-ing!!” and

“Ros-ie!! Get up ov ze floor!” just sends a shiver up my spine. But it was the sound of “Vell done Rosie,
fantabulous
hip action!” that really got me . . . mmm . . . yummy Ricardo with the hips . . .

Ruby:

Yes! The hips! Although as I recall, it was
me
he was referring to about the “
fantabulous
hip action.”

Rosie:

Oh Ruby, can’t a girl
dream!
I was surprised to see so many men there, were you?

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Cecelia Ahern

Ruby:

Yes! It reminded me of when I was younger at the school discos or the ceilis; I was always one of those girls, stuck dancing with another girl as a partner. There were more men dancing with men last night than there were women with women.

Rosie:

Yes I know, somehow I get the feeling that was due to personal choice. Although they took the wearing high heels a little too seriously don’t you think? Could you imagine Greg and Teddy coming with us to a class?

Ruby:

Oh that would be a sight for sore eyes! Teddy can’t wrap his arms around himself, never mind hug me. By the time he would get around to doing a twirl, it would be next year.

Rosie:

Ha! Yeah and Greg would probably become so obsessed with Ricardo counting the steps aloud that he would begin to calculate them in his mind, add them, multiply them, subtract the first count from the square root of the sixth or something. Greg, the bank manager and his love affair with numbers. It looks like it’s just you and me Ruby.

Ruby:

Looks like it . . . So what’s Alex up to these days?

Rosie:

He’s still hanging around slutty Bethany’s dad trying to get a job chopping people’s bodies up.

Ruby:

Oh . . . kay . . . who is Bethany, why is she a slut, and what business is her father in?

Rosie:

Oh sorry, Bethany is Alex’s childhood sweetheart and first love, she’s a slut because I say so, and her dad is a surgeon of some sort.

Ruby:

Oh how exciting . . . the return of one of Alex’s ex-girlfriends . . .

this will be a page turner . . .

Rosie:

No she’s not around anymore; Alex is just attending some lectures being held by her father.

Ruby:

Oh Rosie Dunne, expect the unexpected for once. Maybe this time you won’t get such a shock when things don’t go your way.

ARIES

The heady combination of Uranus in Aries along with your ruler Jupiter opposing Venus and the sun squaring Pluto means, well, complications.

The new moon brings some light relief—but with a strange twist of fate.

IRISH SURGEON TO JOIN WILLIAMS

by Cliona Taylor

Irish surgeon Reginald Williams, who recently achieved success with his much publicized new cardiac surgery, today announced he would be welcoming fellow Irishman Dr. Alex Stewart to the award-winning team. The 30-year-old Harvard graduate says, “I have always followed Dr. Williams’s studies with great interest and admiration.” He also says he is “both delighted and honored to become a new member of this ground-breaking and, most important, life-saving new surgery.” Dr. Stewart is originally from Dublin, and moved to Boston at age 17 when his father accepted a post with the prominent U.S. law firm Charles & Charles.

Dr. Stewart completed five years residency in Boston Central Hospital for a general surgical residency training program before joining with Dr.

Williams for further cardiac surgery studies. Pictured above (from left to right) is Dr. Reginald Williams with his wife Miranda and his daughter 198

Cecelia Ahern

Bethany, who accompanied Dr. Stewart to the Reginald Williams Foundation for Heart Disease charity ball last night.

See page 4 of the Health supplement for Wayne Gillespie’s report on this new cardiac surgery.

You have an instant message from: ROSIE

Rosie:

Hey Ruby, you’ll never guess what I just read in the newspaper this morning.

Ruby:

Your star sign.

Rosie:

Oh please! Give me a bit of credit; do you think I read those things
every day?

Ruby:

I know you read them every day. It helps you decide whether to be in a good mood or bad mood. I can’t quite figure mine out today. It says: Take the fullest possible advantage of lively financial conditions to seize the initiative at the end of the month. Mars has moved into your sign and you should be feeling full of energy. New exciting experiences forecast.

I have never been so broke, exhausted, and bored in all of my life.

So that’s all a load of crap. I’m really looking forward to our next dance lesson though. Can’t believe we’re going to be finished this week! Soon we’ll be moving into intermediate class, can you believe it? The weeks have just flown by, far too fast. I know I’m getting old when I hear myself say that. Anyway what was in the papers if it wasn’t your star sign?

Rosie:

Read page 3 of The Times.

Ruby:

Oh God, do I have to? They always speak gobbledy-gook language in that paper.

Rosie:

OK then don’t read the article just read the headline and look at the photo.

Ruby:

OK on page three, scanning down through articles as I type this . . .

oh my lord, look at that. I take it that’s slutty Bethany?

Rosie:

Should you even have to ask?

love, rosie

199

Ruby:

Sorry love but she looks like a normal filthy rich well-dressed 30-year-old woman to me . . . but I’ll call her slutty Bethany if you insist.

Rosie:

Humor me.

Ruby:

OK . . . oh look Rosie, it’s “slutty Bethany” in the paper with Alex.

On page three. Looking . . . em . . . slutty.

Rosie:

So I see. Anyway she’s 32 . . . My star sign said that—

Ruby:

A-ha! I told y—

Rosie:

Oh shut up with the “I told you so’s” and listen. My star sign said that I would feel light relief but with a strange twist of fate.

Ruby:

And . . . ? Mine tells me I’m rich, so what?

Rosie:

Well I’m delighted that Alex has finally got the job of his dreams that he has wanted for so many years, but it’s just ironic that it was her he had to meet to get it.

Ruby:

I told you to expect the unexpected Rosie,
and
to stop paying attention to those horoscopes . . . they’re a load of crap.

from:

Rosie

to:

Alex

subject:

Congratulations!

Heard about your good news. You’ve made it into every newspaper over here today (I’ve kept all the press cuttings for you), and I heard you speaking on the radio this morning. I’m not quite sure exactly what you were talking about, but you sounded like you’ve got a cold. So you can practically bring people back from the dead but you can’t get rid of the sniffles.

How’s Josh? I rang your mother the other day and he was over with her for the weekend. She put Josh on the phone and I can’t believe I could actually have a conversation with him! He’s a very intelligent four-year-old just like his dad was, absolutely nothing like his mum. He was telling me all about the animals he had seen at the zoo and proceeded to make the noise of every single one of them. I suggested to your mother that she work on the gorilla sound with him as he wasn’t saying anything, but she informed me that the gorilla is so depressed he just sits in his cage and doesn’t make a sound. So Josh is an impressionist too as well as a clever clogs.

200

Cecelia Ahern

I would love to see him again sometime; I would love to see you. We need to catch up on each other’s lives. Tell me something about yourself that the papers, television, and radio can’t tell me.

Dear Alex,

Rosie here again. I’m not quite sure if you got my e-mail a few weeks ago. I just was congratulating you on your fantastic news. We’re all so proud of you over here; Mum, Dad, Steph, Kev, Katie, and Toby are all cheering for you. I think Toby wants to be a doctor when he’s older, just like you because he’ll get to be on the radio and have his photograph in the newspaper. (Plus he revealed he wanted to rip people’s hearts out like they do in some movie, I was deeply disturbed by that thought.) Katie is now insisting she wants to be a dance club DJ. You’ve had no effect on her in that department whatsoever; she wants to go into the business of
giving
people heart attacks.

I’m still at the Two Lakes Hotel. Still at reception; still providing the big bad public with a glass roof over their heads. My boss has headed over to the U.S. where he has opened up yet another new hotel so I don’t think either of the Lake brothers will be here for a very long time. In their stead they have arranged a series of very sad team-forming experts to come in and teach us how to be at one with one another. Next week the team leader, Simon, is taking us out canoeing so we can communicate outside of a work environment. We’re supposed to learn how to discuss our problems.

How can I tell Tania from reception that the reason I don’t talk to her is because I can’t listen to her unnaturally high-pitched voice, that I hate the way she says “What do you think?” at the end of every sentence, the way she wears perfume that is far too strong for a small office, the way she wears pink lipstick that sticks to her teeth that does not, will not, and
never will
look good with her hair color. Steven’s morning breath smells of dirty nappies; I love it when he goes on his first coffee break because that means he comes back almost smelling of roses in comparison. Geoffrey has a serious underarm odor problem; Fiona has a serious problem with flatulence—I don’t know
what
she’s eating. Tabitha nods all throughout my sentences when I’m speaking to her, says “Right” after practically every single word, love, rosie

201

and even more annoyingly tries to finish my sentences for me, or join in with my last few words. The really annoying thing is that she always gets it wrong. She never fully catches the gist of what I’m saying, so I have to keep repeating the sentence while she keeps trying to guess what my last words will be. One of these days I’ll just say “I’m a tramp” as my last words and she’ll have to say that. Henry wears white socks and black shoes, Grace hums the same Spice Girls song every single day which drives me demented but I always end up singing it to myself when I get home which causes Katie to despise her old-fashioned “way-behind” mother who has no idea of the chart positions of this decade.

They all drive me bloody mad. In fact maybe this canoeing thing is a good idea after all; I can just drown the lot of them. Alex, write back and let me know what’s going on in your life.

Love,

Rosie

from:

Alex

to:

Rosie

subject:

New job

Sorry I’ve been so distant recently, but I’ve been so busy. Still, it’s no excuse for not being in touch. You pretty much no all my work news I suppose so there’s no need to go into that. Mum and Dad are both well, they’re still framing every single photo you send them of you and Katie. The place is beginning to look like some kind of shrine to you two Dunne girls.

I have good news! I’ll be coming back to Ireland to visit next month, Mum and Dad are coming back too, and Sally has agreed to let me take Josh for the fortnight seeing as she had him last Christmas. It’s been a long time since the entire family has been back together and Mum decided she wanted to be with Phil, his forty kids and the rest of the family and all her friends, for their fortieth wedding anniversary.

Forty years, imagine. I barely made it to five; I don’t no how they did it.

You’re doing well though, how long have you and what’s-his-name been together? Long enough I would imagine.

202

Cecelia Ahern

I can’t remember how long it’s been since I spent Christmas in Dublin.

Long enough, once again. But soon enough Prince Moonbeam and Princess Buttercup shall be reunited.

from:

Rosie

to:

Alex

subject:

Your visit

That’s great news! I’m delighted you’re coming home. Would you like to stay over at my house or have you and your parents made other plans?

from:

Alex

to:

Rosie

subject:

My visit

No, no, I don’t want to put what’s-his-name out. Actually, there’s no need for me to be so polite; I hate your husband. So Josh and I are staying with Phil and Maggie and I’ve booked Mum and Dad into a hotel. Thanks for the offer, though.