Who I Am (3 page)

To try and make up for
my recent embarrassing fiasco at the last basketball game, I offered to drive Beanie and Jenny to the away game tonight (about an hour's drive). Jenny had to work but begged us to stop by Pizza Hut after the game to keep her company. For the most part, things went much better tonight. Not only that but our team actually won! Afterward we did go out for pizza to celebrate (which pleased Jenny). Trent came with us too. And I didn't even blow it by saying something totally lame when I noticed how he and Jenny got all kissy-faced back in the hall-way by the bathrooms (when they thought nobody was looking, of course).

Then later on Joel and some of his friends joined us for pizza, and it was pretty cool just hanging with these guys that I normally don't spend much time with at school. And I guess I understand why Beanie likes Joel so
much. It's easy to see he's a lot more than just a jock. He's really smart and funny and always has something interesting to say. Still it bothers me that he's not a Christian. But I never let on about any of this while we were at the pizza joint. I just laughed and joked around and acted like one of the crowd (even though I sort of felt like an outsider–now why is that???).

It's too bad I didn't continue my little routine for the rest of the evening. But unfortunately, I just couldn't keep my mouth shut later on when I drove Beanie and Jenny home.

“Okay, now forgive me for beating a dead horse here, but I've just got to know something,” I began when we were about five minutes from their house. (In hindsight I have to admit I knew this was a mistake, but I just blundered on anyway.) “Are you guys honestly telling me that you're really not the least bit concerned that the boys you're dating aren't even Christians?”

“Oh, no,” groaned Jenny. “Here comes another dating sermon.”

Beanie raised her hands dramatically. “Please, Sister Caitlin, can't you just give it a rest tonight? Like chill?”

“Look, you guys, I'm really not trying to be preachy. But I just don't get it. Do you honestly think it's okay to go out with boys who aren't Christians?”

Now for no apparent reason Jenny started giggling, and irritatingly enough Beanie started laughing too. It's like they were getting each other all worked up and
hysterical over something that I frankly just didn't get. And I felt stupid and totally out of it. I mean, I had absolutely no idea what was so funny, and so naturally I assumed they were laughing at me. Like who wouldn't? So, of course, I got a little offended.

“What's so funny?” I finally asked in an uptight voice as I pulled into their driveway.

“I don't know,” said Beanie lightly. “I'm just laughing because she's laughing.” And of course this sent Jenny into a whole new round of spasms.

“Oh, I don't know. It's just that you're so worried–” sputtered Jenny. “I mean, you're sitting here getting all freaked about what'll happen if we date guys who
aren't
Christians.” Laugh-chortle-snort-snort! “But just think about it, Cate, we both already dated boys who were Christians–” she exploded hysterically again. “And, I mean, look where
that
got us!”

Now Beanie was totally losing it again too, like she finally got the joke. “Yeah, Caitlin, doncha remember, girlfriend? I got myself knocked up with a good ol’ Christian boy!”

Jenny hooted now. “And I lost my virginity with another!”

I felt pretty stupid just then. And the two of them were laughing so hard that tears were actually streaming down their faces.

“Come on, you guys,” I tried. “You sound like you don't even care–”

Beanie turned and looked at me with tears still wet
on her cheeks. “Hey, we know we've made some pretty big mistakes, Caitlin. Do you really think we want to go back there again?”

“Yeah, and it's cool that your life is so perfectly on track,” began Jenny, trying hard to regain her composure now.

“I didn't say–”

“But can't you see…” she continued, “that dating Christian guys isn't exactly a foolproof plan either?”

I sighed and just shook my head. I mean, to be perfectly honest, I knew they were both partially right. After all, I've had my hardest lessons with a Christian boy too (same one as Jenny, come to think of it). “Well, maybe that's why dating isn't such a good idea,” I tried to say gently–sort of tentative-like. I really did NOT want to come across as preachy again.

“Look, Cate, if it works for you, fine,” said Beanie as she wiped her eyes. “But it's really unfair for you to put your standards on us. Besides, I think I learned a lot when I dated Zach. Honestly, I don't think I'll ever be that stupid again.”

“Me neither!” exclaimed Jenny. And then the two exchanged high fives, like that settled it.

“But then why even bother–”

Beanie cut me off. “We've got to live our own lives, Caitlin. Don't you get it? If you want to avoid the dating game, that's your business and we won't push you to date. Okay? But you just can't keep going around and telling everyone else how to live.”

“I don't tell everyone–”

“No, you usually save it all up for us,” said Jenny.

“Yeah, it makes us feel so special.” Beanie's sarcasm cut right through me. And I knew they were right and I was wrong.

“Yeah, yeah, I know.” I gave in, feeling like a total idiot again. “I'm sorry, you guys. It's just that I really care about you and–”

“It's okay,” said Jenny. “We know you do. But just don't worry so much, okay? And who knows, maybe God will use us to reach these poor, heathen guys.”

Beanie started giggling again, then quickly sobered when Jenny tossed her a warning glance. “Yeah, Jenny could be right,” she said. “I mean, I haven't hid anything about what I believe from Joel. Right from the start I told him all about how I became a Christian and how important that is to me. And I really think he respects that.”

“And Trent does too. And you know he's even come to church a couple times.”

“Yeah, but he still says he's an atheist.”

“Oh, Cate,” complained Jenny. “So did I not that long ago.”

“I suppose you're right. I guess I'm just being too judgmental–again.”

“No big deal, Caitlin,” said Beanie in a placating tone. “We're used to you by now. And we love you anyway.”

“Thanks,” I said, feeling pretty lame.

And so when I got home tonight, I still felt a little confused.
I mean, I feel so strongly that
I'm
not supposed to date. And the primary reason is because I know how easy it is (when you're in an intimate relationship) to get in over your head (and it can happen fast). At the very least you can get hurt, or else you can get pressured into things you wouldn't normally do (like having sex–or even just seriously making out, which can still make you feel like crud afterward). And so, to me, it just makes more sense not to get into that situation in the first place. Besides that, I truly believe that's what God has told me to do.

But when I talk to Beanie and Jenny about this stuff, I really start wondering if I'm all wet. I mean, what they say does makes sense, well, sort of. Although I seriously doubt that dating is going to get the guys interested in God. In fact, I'm sure it could backfire right in Beanie's and Jenny's faces. I remember not that long ago when I was getting interested in God and Josh proved to be nothing more than a great big and somewhat devastating distraction for me.

But just the same, it never fails that every time I try to talk to Beanie and Jenny about any of this, I come out sounding like this totally freaked-out and paranoid church-nerd. And I really don't like that image much. But at the same time I will NOT compromise my own convictions either. I just wish this dating thing wasn't so confusing–or volatile.

To my complete surprise (and Beanie's triumph!) Joel Johnson came to youth group and church today. Beanie told me that she'd purposely invited him after our conversation the other night (just to show me, I suppose!). But it was a smart move on her part, and I really think everyone there made him feel pretty welcome. He even asked a couple of very insightful questions during youth group (which Greg handled brilliantly). Then afterward a bunch of us stood around in the parking lot together, just joking and talking before Beanie and Jenny had to go to work at Pizza Hut.

“Yeah, you guys have a pretty nice church–for white folks, that is.” Then Joel laughed and added, “Uh, maybe you guys didn't notice, but I kind of stuck out in there.”

“You mean because you're so tall?” teased Jenny.

He grinned. “No, I mean because you guys are such palefaces.”

And that's when it occurred to me that other than a Vietnamese family and a Hispanic couple, our church
is
primarily white. But I had to wonder why I'd never really noticed that before. Maybe Beanie was right about me.

“But don't feel too bad,” said Joel. “The church where my mom and sister go is no different. I seriously doubt that a white person has ever set foot past their doors.”

“Why is that?” asked Beanie with a very intense look.

“It's called segregation. And it's just the way it's always been.” Joel laughed lightly. Although judging by his expression, I didn't think he really thought it was all that funny. Then he continued. “And I guess we shouldn't get too bent out of shape because in actuality, it's been a whole lot worse than this in the past. I guess we've progressed a little in the last few decades.” He grinned. “So, is that enough black history for you folks, or would you like to sign up for my night class–African-American History 101?”

“But I thought we were integrated now,” said Jenny. “I mean, didn't we get desegregated in the sixties? Isn't that what that bussing thing was all about?”

Joel shook his head and rolled his eyes like he was talking to a bunch of preschoolers. “Well, you can force some kinds of change, like piling kids into buses and forcing them to go miles across town to a school where they don't know anybody and nobody really wants them there anyway. But real change, lasting change,
has got to come from the heart.”

I blinked. I knew Joel was deep, but I was pretty impressed. “But I still don't get it, Joel,” I said. “Don't you think that most kids at our school don't have a problem with racial issues? Don't you think we're all fairly color blind?”

Joel laughed. “You better look again, Caitlin.”

“What do you mean?”

“Haven't you noticed how cliques, for the most part, are pretty much color coded, or in other words segregated–either by race or economics or whatever? For the most part, there's not a whole lot of mixing up going on.”

I tried to imagine the lunchroom for a moment. “Yeah, I suppose you're right. I guess I never quite saw it that way. But what about when we all met for pizza the other night? That was cool, wasn't it?”

He smiled. “Yeah, now that might've been a little closer to color blind.” He laughed again. “If there really is such a thing.”

“Well, it's too bad we don't all just mix it up all the time,” said Jenny.

Beanie grabbed Joel's hand and swung it in the air. “Hey, I'm all for mixing it up. How about you, Joel?”

He grinned down on her. “Count me in, babe!”

I glanced at him, not too sure how comfortable I was with
that
kind of mixing it up (or was I just being judgmental again?). “Well, maybe we can do something to mix it up more at school too,” I suggested (trying to repress my dating concerns about Beanie). “How about if we all start
hanging out together more during lunch and stuff.”

“Works for me,” said Joel. “But I can't make any promises for the rest of my buddies.”

“Well, I think it seems like what Jesus would expect from us,” I added, hoping it didn't sound like I was about to give them all another sermon. Because I really meant it!

“Yeah,” agreed Joel. “I might not be a Christian, not like you guys are anyway, but I think God made us all different for some pretty smart reasons. Mostly I think he just wants us to learn to accept and love others for who they are.”

“Preach it, brother!” said Beanie.

“Amen!” I added, then we all laughed.

And so, it'll be interesting to see what comes of this “mixing it up” tomorrow. I really do think it's what Jesus would do. We've learned about a lot of these issues in school, and “racial reconciliation” is a popular term in social science classes, but it never seems to really leak out into the hallways and the cafeteria. But I'm thinking it's like Joel said. Until people really change in their hearts, nothing will ever really change for good.

I don't know if it's just the January blahs or me or whatever, but this sure has been a trying couple of weeks for me. I think the only encouraging thing has been the e-mail I've received from Josh. Well, that and knowing that God still loves me despite what a fool I seem to make of myself on a disturbingly regular basis.

Beanie told me (and loudly too) that I was a prude today. Well, that was after I made a snide remark about her and Joel kissing in public. I know, I know. I have no business making comments like that. And at this rate they'll be calling me “Mother Superior” in no time. (Oh, I sure hope they don't think of that one–Sister Caitlin is bad enough.) But to be called a prude by my best friend, right there in the Harrison High cafeteria, was a bit much, if you ask me. Just the same, I probably had it coming. But what made me feel even worse than Beanie's name-calling was the expression in Joel's eyes–like I had personally hurt him. And I almost apologized, but then I was afraid it would seem patronizing because in a way we were all just joking around. At least I thought we were joking. But to be perfectly honest, my feelings did get hurt. So why shouldn't his have been hurt as well?