Who I Am (5 page)

School has been totally amazing so far this week. I mean, it's like something really big has happened. There's this cool sense of unity and friendship and trust. Okay, it's not with everyone. But a lot of kids (mainly those who went to
the party) are acting different. I even ate lunch with Anna Parker today, and she asked me what started this whole thing. I told her I thought it was mostly a God thing, and then I told her about my relationship with Jesus. And she told me that she'd accepted Christ at a church day camp when she was six years old, but that she'd kind of forgotten about it after a few years. Now she never goes to church anymore, although she said she still tries to do what's right and doesn't necessarily see herself as a bad person. So anyway, I invited her to come to church with me and even offered to pick her up. For some reason she seemed kind of suspicious just then, but she said she'd think about it, and I'm praying she'll say yes.

But lots of other cool things are happening too. Beanie and Jenny have told me neat things about people they've been talking to. And Beanie said that Tony thought it would be great for us to keep using the church as a gathering place, but he suggested that we get our youth pastor involved. And I think that's a good idea. So Beanie suggested that Greg and Joel might want to get together (which is a brilliant idea–Beanie sometimes amazes me!). I just know God is up to something big at Harrison High.

Not only that, but we all sat together during the basketball game tonight. And when our team won, we all went totally nuts (breaking out of a losing streak does that to you). And, let me tell you, it was just really cool! It's like I've never had so many friends before. And whenever I get worried that some (probably most) of these kids aren't Christians, I just remind myself that they are
all God's kids (my brothers and sisters) and that I get to love them, and talk to them, and keep praying that they'll get saved–sooner or later! Because the closer I get to some of these kids, the more I can see how much they really need Jesus. And then I remember how just ONE YEAR ago I was in the same boat they are. Wow, that really blows my mind. And when I think of how much God has done in my life in such a short time, I'm just amazed. Totally amazed!

We had another get-together at our church tonight. This time the church chipped in and ordered pizzas for the entire group. (Although Beanie talked Pizza Hut into a discount, it still had to cost a bundle!) Unfortunately, Beanie and Jenny both had to work tonight (making all those pizzas), but even without Beanie, Joel came anyway. And he acted as DJ, playing his CDs again, and mostly we just hung out and talked and ate and stuff.

Some kids danced (which was pretty funny when some of the old funky tunes were playing) and some
played games (Tony and Greg had rounded up a bunch of games–everything from Twister to Monopoly). And it was a pretty laid-back and mellow time, but good. I think the group was only about half as big as last week's crowd. Some of the rowdier kids didn't show up at all (which I think was too bad in a way), but I suppose we're just a little too tame for them. Also, we heard there was a big drinking party happening on the other side of town, which may have lured them away.

But the best part about tonight (for me) was when Anna showed up. She came about midway through with her friend Jewel Garcia. I don't know Jewel all that well, but suffice it to say, she's a colorful character. And she really likes the boys–and they like her. Anyway, I headed straight their way, and thankfully there was still some pizza and sodas left. Then we kind of stood around and talked for a while. Just when we ran out of things to say, Jamal came over and talked us into joining them for what turned out to be a pretty wild game of UNO. And Anna won, which I think made her happy.

All in all, it was a fun night. And, no, I don't think anyone got saved. Greg certainly didn't perform an altar call. But just the same, I feel pretty convinced that God was at work. I thought about the times Jesus spent with people, eating and talking and having fun. Did you know that some people (I think some of the overly religious types) actually called Jesus a glutton and a drunkard? All because he hung out with ordinary people and just basically enjoyed their company while they shared food
and drink. Josh shared this little tidbit with me in his e-mail this week. It was a good reminder to me tonight (when I started feeling like I needed to “save” someone) that it's okay just to hang out and have fun. And I think Anna might even trust me more now. And, no, she didn't say she'd come to church with me tomorrow. But that's okay. Maybe next week. I think to start off with I need to show her that I'm willing to be her friend whether she comes to church with me or not. So I've decided to invite her to go do something else. I'm still not exactly sure what, but I think God will show me.

I am so thankful
to have a diary to pour out my troubles to. And right now I'm about to make a confession that I'm not very proud of–in fact, it's pretty embarrassing. The thing is: I am jealous–yep, absolutely lime green with envy. For months I've acted like everything's just peachy-keen, and sometimes I've even believed my own little act myself. But the ugly truth Is: I am just plain jealous of Beanie and Jenny's friendship. Ever since they started living together at my grandma's house, they've gotten closer and closer. And now with this whole dating dilemma tacked on–well, I basically feel left out. And I know that sounds totally lame (like a second grader whining “You like Jenny more'n you like me.”) And it basically just makes me sick. Of course there's no way on God's green earth that I can tell those two what's bugging me. I mean, sheesh, I'd sound like an absolute idiot. I've already put myself at odds with them over enough
other stupid things. Besides that, I was the one who tried so hard to get them to become friends in the first place–but talk about two completely different people. Who ever would've thought they'd get this close? But they are. And it's bugging the snot out of me.

I mean, like today for instance. I asked them if they wanted me to give them a ride to the basketball game tomorrow night. (Since it's an away game and neither of them have a car and I know they don't have to work.) But then Jenny says that Trent is taking them, and then Joel is going to join them afterward and they're all going out for a late dinner. Well, I acted all cool and stuff, saying “great, that's fine” and pretending like I could care less. But I was steamed. Really steamed. And it makes me feel like a pretty hopeless Christian too. Although I'm starting to realize that God doesn't really expect me to be perfect but just to try my best and stay connected to Him. And I'm trying. But I can see I still have a long, long ways to go.

So there you have it–Caitlin O'Conner is jealous–nah-nah-nah. Sigh… I think I feel a little bit better now. Sometimes you just need to get these things out. Even if it's only in a diary. Of course, the next step would be to pray about it.

Well, today I was trying real hard not to be jealous (or at least not to show it). And we were having lunch just like normal when I noticed Anna Parker coming in late, and she was looking for a place to sit down. So I skooched over close to Beanie and waved, inviting Anna to join us (which is no big deal; we've all been sitting together lately anyway). But as soon as she sat down, I got the bright idea (actually I think it was God inspired) to ask her if she wanted a ride to the game tonight, and she said, “Sure.”

So I told her I'd pick her up after work (well, after I zipped home to change, that is). Then she asked where I worked and I told her about how I'd gotten a reception job at my dad's office. She thought that was pretty cool and said she'd been trying to get an office job for after school too, and she'd already taken all the business classes available. Suddenly I remembered that I'd noticed another part-time receptionist position posted on the bulletin board in the break room. I'd even toyed with applying for it myself but had felt just a little intimidated since it was an “executive” position. Plus I really like working with Rita and was afraid it would hurt her feelings if I tried to switch jobs. (Besides, what if I didn't get the position?) So as a result I decided to do nothing at all.

“You know, there's an opening where I work, Anna,” I
began. “I think it's still available. Just part time–the same hours as I'm working. The receptionist wants to be able to leave earlier so she can go home and spend more time with her kids.

“You're kidding!” Anna stared at me like I'd just offered her a million bucks. “That sounds perfect!”

Beanie poked me with her elbow. “Hey, how come you didn't tell
me
about that job?”

“You already have a job, Beanie.”

“Yeah, but not a good job like that.”

I rolled my eyes at her. “Well, you never mentioned wanting to switch jobs. And I thought it worked out pretty nice for you and Jenny to work at the same place.

Besides–” I turned back to Anna again–“Anna's already taken the right kind of classes.”

Anna was beaming now. And I must admit I felt a tiny twinge of satisfaction when I tossed out that part about Beanie and Jenny working in the same place. (Okay, God, forgive me!)

“Caitlin,” said Anna, “do you really think I'd have a chance?”

“I don't know why not.” Then I asked her when her last class was, and it turned out to be fifth period (same as me), so I invited her to ride over to work with me and check it out. Lucky for Anna, she always dresses pretty nice for school. Okay, it's a little too preppy and conservative for my taste, and I guess some kids probably think she's kind of old-fashioned, but I think it looks pretty good on her and it was perfect for going in for a job.

When we got to the office I introduced her to Rita, then gave her a quick tour, and finally took her up to personnel, where it turns out she not only filled out her application but also managed to land an interview. Pretty cool. Then she decided to hang around in the lobby (doing her homework) until I got done and could give her a ride home. When we got to her neighborhood, which is a little rundown, she asked me to drop her off in front of the apartments, saying she'd just run up and change for the game, if I didn't mind waiting down here. I told her that was fine. But I suspect she didn't want me to see where she lived. The reason I think this is because of my friendship with Beanie over the years. It was a long time before Beanie ever let me see the inside of her house. But I didn't know how to tell Anna I was used to this kind of thing, so I just kept my mouth shut.

As I sat there, I really prayed for her. And I prayed for our friendship because it suddenly feels like this is meant to be. I mean, maybe this is why I'm feeling so left out with Jenny and Beanie lately. So, who knows, maybe this is what God was up to all along.

Anyway, we ran by my house real quick, and I invited Anna up to my room while I quickly changed into jeans, then we nuked a couple of burritos in the microwave and snagged some sodas from the fridge and basically split. Oh, yeah, I did introduce her to my mom and Ben before we dashed out the door.

“You guys look like the all-American family,” Anna said as we drove to the game.

I groaned. “That sounds pretty dull. But I suppose you're right. Although we were almost the all-American split-up family just a year ago.” Then I told her a little about my dad's “almost” affair (I didn't think he'd mind under the circumstances) because I wanted Anna to know we're not perfect. Although I have to admit my family (despite their flaws) are pretty cool. And I like that we all go to church together, although Ben's been complaining about it a little lately (which has me concerned).

“My parents got divorced when I was a baby,” Anna explained. “I have an older brother, but he's been gone for a while now. So it's just me and my mom.”

I nodded. “That's how it was with Beanie. I mean, just her and her mom. But she doesn't live at home anymore.” Then I told her a little about Lynn Jacobs (feeling fairly certain that Beanie wouldn't mind since she's pretty upfront about her family life these days). “But Lynn's doing a lot better now,” I told her. “She's quit drinking, and my aunt Steph helped her get a good job where she works. Beanie says she may even move back home after my grandma gets back from Arizona.”

“Sounds like things are going well for everyone.” Anna took a swig of soda then sighed. “I guess it's that whole church thing–like you're all in one big, happy family. I guess I kind of envy that.”