Who I Am (4 page)

Oh, man, sometimes life feels so complicated. And I can't help but remember when I was just a kid and my biggest problem was whether my socks went with my dress or that my little brother was being a pain. Not that Ben's
still not a pain sometimes, but he's really growing up fast, and I find I'm liking him more as a person now. Well, most of the time anyway–not when he's pounding on the bathroom door and telling me to “beat cheeks outta there.”

But back to my one encouraging bright spot these days. Josh's e-mails have been so great lately. I really opened up to him, telling him all about my struggles with this nondating thing. (Since it seems like I don't have anyone else I can talk to, besides God, that is.) Anyway, I explained how Beanie and Jenny are always on my case (or maybe I'm on theirs). But Josh really seems to understand how I feel, and he always has something helpful to say.

Like the other day I told him how I couldn't understand why God would tell me not to do something (like dating, for instance), but that it would be perfectly okay for everyone else. (I mean, it doesn't seem fair.) Then Josh wrote back and reminded me about what Clay used to say. Just thinking about Clay made me miss him more than ever, and suddenly I wondered what life would be like if he'd never been shot last year…Anyway, Josh reminded me how Clay always made a point to say that “convictions are very personal” and “what God tells you to do is for
you and you alone.
“

Then Josh wrote about when Peter (the outspoken apostle guy) had this dream or vision or whatever about eating all this food that was considered unfit to eat by Jewish people. And Peter was kind of repulsed by the idea of eating those things (like snakes and snails…and I can't
really blame him there–yuck!), but God told him in the dream that it was okay. So Peter went ahead and ate that weird food. (I don't think it was really snakes and snails, but maybe some pork or shrimp or something non-kosher.) But the thing was: He ate it with people who weren't Jewish, and as a result they got saved.

Josh's whole point in sharing this with me had to do with Beanie and Jenny. He said that maybe what they're doing really is okay–for them, that is. Maybe their faith is stronger than mine and God will actually use them to reach out to Joel and Trent. Well, I'm still not sure how I feel about that. But then, Josh reminded me that I shouldn't judge others. Duh! You'd think I'd have figured that one out by now, but I guess I still need a few reminders. So anyway, his words were hard to hear but pretty encouraging. And I e-mailed him back and asked Josh if he'd ever considered being a preacher or a teacher because what he'd shared with me came across really clear and understandable. And guess what? He said he's actually been praying about it. Amazing!

Now, like I said, this communication with Josh has been the bright spot in my drab little life lately. But now even that has me concerned. Okay, I know I'm taking a risk of sounding really neurotic now, but isn't that what diaries are for–to express our darkest, deepest fears and all that? But now I'm feeling worried about what Jenny said about me and Josh, about how my relationship with him sort of proves that I never really gave up dating at all.
Yikes! But then again it's not like we're really dating. Not really. Or are we? Because I hate the thought that I could be playing the hypocrite here. I mean, we're just e-mailing each other. And it's not like that's tempting me to have sex or taking something away from my relationship with God. So why do I all of the sudden feel guilty? To be perfectly gut-level honest, it's almost as if there's this thing inside me that keeps saying, “You have to be perfect, Caitlin O'Conner. You have to be perfect.” But what's up with that? Is it me? Is it God? Or am I just going totally nuts???

My Aunt Steph
and her husband Tony (who's also our pastor) came over to our house for dinner tonight (naturally they brought little Oliver too). And afterward I went to clean up in the kitchen, and Tony very graciously offered to help. While we were filling the dishwasher, he asked if everything was going okay with me. Then he mentioned that I seemed more quiet and reserved than usual. And, man, that did it. I just started spilling my guts to the poor unsuspecting man. Being a pastor, I suppose he's used to that kind of thing, but I must admit I felt a little embarrassed at first. Just the same I told him how I feel guilty about a lot of things, how I worry about Beanie and Jenny and the kids in Mexico, and about my relationship with Josh–and well, just about everything. And Tony didn't even think I was crazy. He said I have a very sensitive spirit and that it would always be very important for me to keep my relationship
with God as close and tight as possible, because the more I trust God, the more I will relax and have peace. He also encouraged me to read my Bible more.

“My brother Clay was a lot like that after he got saved,” he explained as he applied some elbow grease to the stubborn lasagna dish. “It's like he had this really tight connection with God that made him wise beyond his years. But as a result he had to be real careful about how he talked to others because it sometimes made him seem judgmental or superior. We used to talk about stuff like this for hours at a time. But I think he was really getting a handle on it. Even shortly before he died, I remember him telling me he was worried that he was coming across as judgmental with the youth group, and that troubled him a lot.”

“Yes!” I cried. “That's it. I keep feeling like I'm judging everyone. And it's driving me bonkers.”

He laughed. “Well, just remember how Jesus warned us again and again about not judging each other. And what is right for one person isn't necessarily right for another. God deals with us all on an individual basis.”

“Yeah, that's almost exactly what Josh e-mailed to me.”

“Looks like God's trying to tell you something, Caitlin.”

We talked a while longer, and then I changed the subject and told him about what we were doing at school (our little racial reconciliation project).

“That's great, Caitlin.”

“Well, it wasn't really my idea. Beanie and Joel are kind of the instigators.”

“You know, I've been praying about ways to get the church more integrated.” Tony wiped his hands on a dish towel and thought for a moment. “Maybe this is the beginning of something.”

“It's been kind of interesting at school. We've gotten some strange looks from some kids. But we've also seen others starting to do the same thing as us. Or at least it seems that way. It's like some of those old barriers are coming down. Not to make it sound like we haven't had any opposition, because we definitely have. There's this one girl named Natala who thought I was making a move on her boyfriend, Jamal, which I wasn't. But anyway when I took the time to explain to her how we just wanted to make more friends, she lightened up a little. I just wish we could do something more.”

Then Tony looked as if some sort of light had just gone on inside his brain. “Hey, maybe you guys would like to have some kind of get-together or something at the church.”

“Like a party or something?”

“Yeah, some sort of social gathering that gives you a place to get to know each other besides school, but a place that doesn't have any other–uh, well, negative factors interfering.”

“You mean like alcohol or drugs?”

He nodded. “Believe me, I know what it's like out there. It's not all that long ago since Clay was into that stuff.” His face grew sad.

I sighed. “Yeah, that must've been hard.” But what I was really thinking was how Tony must still miss his little brother a
lot. I know I still do. Just the same, I couldn't think of anything to say that hasn't already been said. Maybe it's just one of those things that takes lot of time to get over.

“Hey, you two,” called Stephie. “Oliver is getting pretty sleepy out here, and he has to get up for nursery school in the morning.”

Tony walked over and put his arm around her. “Yeah, sweetie, I was just thinking the same thing.”

I stared at the two of them for a moment and thought once again how totally amazing it is that God brought them together. They are so totally perfect for each other. But if you think about it, just a couple years ago you'd never have guessed something like that would've been possible. I mean, Stephie's life was kind of a mess and Tony was this dedicated pastor. Who ever would've thought they'd end up together? But I guess God is bigger than what we can think or dream or even imagine. And I suppose that's one more reason He doesn't want us to judge anyone or anything. We just don't have all the right information. But He does! And knowing that makes me feel a whole lot better. Hopefully, I'm starting to get it. On the other hand, just when I think I understand something, I usually fall flat on my face. So look out below!

Just this morning, I told Beanie about how Tony had suggested having a get-together at church.

“How about tomorrow night?” she suggested.

“Tomorrow? Why so soon?”

“We could call it a Martin Luther King, Jr. party.”

“Oh yeah,” I said. “That's right. But do you think we could get it together by then?”

“Well, how much do we have to get together? Just round up some food and stuff, then open the doors, right?”

I had to grin. Leave it to Beanie to boil everything down to pure simplicity. It's just her style, and I have to admire her for it. “Okay. then. I'll call Tony and see if it works.” And I remembered to pray about it on my way to the pay phone. (Unfortunately for me, I do not carry a cell phone or a beeper, as do so many kids these days. I keep telling Dad that I'm electronically impaired, but he doesn't seem to take it too seriously.)

As it turned out, Tony thought it was a totally brilliant idea. (Again I had to give the credit to Beanie, but I didn't mind.) And so it was all set, and at lunchtime we found Jenny and the three of us started inviting everyone we could think of to come. (We figured only a small percentage would show anyway.) Some of the kids kind of made fun of us (having “a
church
party?”), but we just took it all in stride. And before long Joel was getting all involved too, and he got kids to agree to bring food and stuff Suddenly this little get-together was taking on a life of its own.

“What do you think we'll do to pass the time?” I asked when we finally sat down to eat our lunch.

“Maybe we should have a little planning session,” suggested Jenny.

Beanie turned to Joel. “Maybe you should be in charge.”

Now I wasn't too sure about that. I mean, Joel himself freely admits that he's not a Christian. And it might be kind of weird to have him leading this thing (at our church) when he's not even saved. But (now hold on to your hat!) I wisely kept these slightly judgmental thoughts to myself. You see, I
am
learning. And so it was settled; Joel would be in charge.

“Is that too much for you to deal with?” I asked him. “I mean, I know you have a ball game tonight, and then–”

He waved his hand. “No problem.”

The big night came and I'd like to say the whole thing went off without a single hitch. And it did, mostly. First off, it seemed slightly miraculous that both Beanie and Jenny could get off work early to come. And then we were totally blown away by the crowd–Jenny said she counted over a hundred! And a real mix too. Joel, as promised, handled the agenda. He brought his boom box and a good collection of CDs (all black musicians, of course), and he played everything from blues to jazz to rap. And when some of his friends tried to sneak some vodka into the punch bowl, he stepped right in and reminded them they were in a church and if they needed to get drunk, they'd have to go do it somewhere
else. Then when some of the Hispanic guys started getting into it with some of the black guys, once again Joel stepped in (this time with the help of some of his basketball buddies), and they amazingly talked these guys out of fighting. But it was a tense moment, believe me, and the room got kind of quiet except for the boom box, which was playing an old Chubby Checker song just then.

But Joel used this opportunity to get everyone's attention, and he grabbed the microphone and read (in a really dramatic voice) Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.'s “I Have a Dream” speech. And, man, was the crowd ever quiet. It was totally awesome! After he finished he said a few words about how far we'd come since the good reverend made this speech back in the sixties, but how far we still had to go. Then he encouraged everyone to just keep visiting and have a good time. And so we did.

It sure might seem like a pretty small step in the big scheme of things, but I think Dr. King would've been proud. And I'm sure that God was pleased with us because know we're all God's children, and He wants us to love our brothers and sisters–which brings me to my latest revelation. Are you ready for this? Well, I'm thinking, okay, if we're all God's children, then that makes every single one of us brothers and sisters
(whether we're saved or not)
. Because God loves us all long before we ever get saved, so why shouldn't we do the same? Now, I'm not saying that I'm all resolved over Jenny and Beanie dating guys who aren't Christians, but at least I'm thinking of Trent and Joel as my brothers
now (even if they aren't saved–yet!). And let me tell you that's pretty cool.

We ended the evening by singing “Jesus Loves the Little Children.” Okay, this was my idea (and at first I felt a little dorky for suggesting a kid's song), but it was really cool when everyone joined in–some people even held hands! And then we stood around and visited for a while longer and some kids asked why we couldn't do something like this on a regular basis. So Beanie's going to call up Pastor Tony and find out. And I'm sure he'll think it's a great idea.