With All My Love (43 page)

‘How
dare
you?’ Valerie’s lip wobbled, stunned at the other woman’s onslaught.

‘I dare because Briony is Jeff’s daughter—’

‘Briony is
my
daughter, and I will raise her in a way Jeff would be proud of, Tessa. I haven’t forgotten how you treated me when he died. I’ll
never
forget it or forgive it. Now get out of my way and don’t
ever
come here again.’ Valerie’s voice shook and she brushed past Jeff’s mother and didn’t look back.

Tessa watched Valerie race away from her and knew she had lost her grandchild. She hadn’t meant to sound accusatory – her intention had been to placate – but Valerie’s evident antipathy had raised her hackles and her tone had been unintentionally strident and confrontational.

‘You fool, Tessa,’ she cursed herself as Valerie disappeared around the side of the building, leaving her demoralized and shaken at yet another hostile incident with Jeff’s partner.

Valerie felt physically sick getting into the car. Tessa’s unexpected reappearance in her life had thoroughly rattled her. Fear raced through her. If Tessa had tracked her to work did she know where she and Briony lived? Did she know what crèche Briony was in? Would she take it a step further and take her from the crèche? It was unthinkable. But not beyond the bounds of possibility. Agitated, she turned off the engine and got out of the car. She needed to ring the crèche supervisor and make absolutely sure that Briony was never to be collected by anyone unless Valerie had left specific instructions. Tessa was a loose cannon and not to be trusted.

For months after the encounter Valerie worried that Tessa would do something untoward, and she hated Tessa for the added stress she now endured. Her attitude towards Jeff’s mother hardened even more and Valerie determined that Tessa would never be part of Briony’s life, no matter what.

On the first anniversary of Jeff’s death, Valerie flew to London again, to be with Lizzie and Dara. There had been no contact with Tessa since the confrontation outside the office, and for the first time Valerie felt Tessa was out of their lives for good. Briony had started school and seemed happy, having made a few friends, and gradually she stopped talking about her grandparents and Rockland’s. It grieved Valerie that she didn’t talk about Jeff as much either, but she felt it meant her daughter was adjusting to their new circumstances, and to a degree she was herself. She had got over the first year of her life without Jeff and had made a home for herself and her daughter. That could only be something to be proud of.

*

My Darling Briony,

I know today is your eighteenth birthday and I hope that you are very happy and fulfilled in your life. Now that you are of an age to make your own decisions it would give your granddad and myself so much joy to meet with you and to get to know you and talk to you about your wonderful dad. You are always in our thoughts, our hearts and our prayers. You are now and always have been very precious to us, and to your aunt and uncle.

It would be lovely if you could get to know your cousins. They are all longing to meet you and we have so many memories and photos to share with you.

Please know, darling, that our door is always open to you and we have never stopped loving you.

With all my love,

Gramma xxxxxxx

Tessa reread what she had written, and added her phone number under her signature. She folded the letter neatly and slid it into the envelope.

That afternoon she drove past The Triangle and turned down the street where Carmel and Terence lived. She took a deep breath before knocking on the door.

Carmel answered and Tessa got a shock when she saw the other woman’s careworn appearance. Valerie’s mother had aged considerably. In fact she didn’t look at all well.

‘Oh, it’s you. What do you want, Tessa?’ Carmel asked tiredly.

Tessa swallowed hard. ‘Carmel, I know it’s Briony’s eighteenth birthday today and I’m begging you to send her this letter. You’ve had the joy of her all these years – can you not find it in your heart to show Lorcan and me some compassion and send her this letter so she can at least make a choice herself whether to get in touch or not? Please, Carmel, on my bended knee I beg of you,’ Tessa pleaded.

Tears sparkled in Carmel’s eyes and Tessa felt a surge of hope.

‘Please,’ she entreated again.

‘All right, Tessa, give it to me. I’ll post it to Briony,’ she agreed. ‘I do understand how hard it is for you and Lorcan but, you know, if you had left Valerie alone to get over her grief all those years ago, I think she would have relented and got in touch. You pressurized her, Tessa, and you upset her and you lost whatever chance you had.’

‘I know,’ Tessa sighed. ‘Believe me, I know.’

‘I’ll send it to Briony, Tessa, but it’s up to her whether she replies or not.’ Carmel looked flushed and flustered.

‘Thank you, Carmel, I appreciate it. I’ll always be grateful,’ Tessa replied.

‘Who will I say it’s from?’ Carmel said, her eyes suddenly cloudy and unrecognizing.

‘From me – Tessa. Jeff’s mam,’ Tessa said, perturbed.

‘Of course. Don’t mind me, my memory’s gone to pot,’ Carmel said hastily.

‘You will send it? This afternoon, if possible?’

‘Certainly,’ Carmel said firmly, and closed the door.

Tessa walked slowly down the path. She wondered if the other woman was unwell. She certainly looked pale and wan. But Carmel had agreed to post the letter and Tessa had no doubt that she would. In her own quiet way Carmel Harris was a woman of principle.

Please, please, Jeff, she begged silently, let Briony get the letter and let her get in touch.

Carmel wrote Briony’s address on the stamped envelope and placed it on the hallstand. She was in plenty of time to catch the five o’clock post. Tessa was right: Briony should have a chance to contact her grandparents if she so chose. Valerie could argue the toss with her about it but Carmel would stick to her guns. Briony was eighteen now, old enough to vote and old enough to make her own decisions.

She felt terribly weary. This lassitude that was affecting her made her want to sleep and made her forgetful. It was disturbing. Something wasn’t right with her but she couldn’t figure out what it was. She’d go and lie down for a while. She’d probably feel better after a little rest.

Carmel fell into a restless doze and woke with a start an hour later. She felt muzzy. There was something she had to do, she remembered, but what was it? She got up and wandered out to the kitchen to make herself a cup of tea. She’d need to start the dinner. Terence would be in from work soon and he’d be cranky if his dinner wasn’t waiting.

She cooked chops, potatoes, cabbage, but forgot to turn on the gas under the carrots. Never mind, he could eat them raw, she decided, blessing herself as the Angelus bell rang at six. It was a lovely spring evening, she thought, opening the back door. She took a chair out, sat in the sheltered warmth of the back yard and felt a tranquil peace envelop her as she raised her face to the sun’s rays.

Terence opened the front door, caught the aroma of cooking and sighed with relief. Carmel was cooking his dinner; she must be having a good day. She was beginning to behave rather strangely, forgetting things, buying groceries they didn’t need, on one occasion going down the village and leaving the front door wide open for any intruder to walk in and help themselves. He had a terrible fear she was going doolally.

He noticed a letter on the hallstand where his wife always left his post, and ripped it open. He read the contents, momentarily perplexed, and then his brow drew down in a frown. Tessa Egan must have persuaded Carmel to post young Briony a letter. Valerie’s lassie would be better off having nothing to do with that lot. All they did was cause trouble. The cheek of Tessa, declaring undying love. If she’d loved her grandchild as she’d professed, she’d never have allowed her to be born illegitimate and remain so when that ne’er-do-well of a son of hers was alive. You had your chance, Madam Egan, all those years ago. It’s too late now, he thought dismissively. He crumpled up the letter and the envelope and shoved it in his pocket. He’d burn it later, and if Carmel asked him about it he’d say he dropped it in the postbox for her.

C
HAPTER
T
HIRTY
-N
INE

‘Mom, Miss Lala is very hungry and wants Coco Pops for breakfast.’ Briony struggled to consciousness to see Katie peering into her face, with her doll in one hand and her teddy in the other.

Light streamed in through the shutters, and she blinked, suddenly remembering where she was. Briony stretched luxuriantly. She was in Spain on her holidays, no longer any need to get up and feed Katie and rush to start the day. Bliss!

And then the dull ache of recollection: finding the letter, Tessa’s letter. Valerie’s betrayal. Reality hit. Briony felt sick.

‘Can we have our breakfast outside, Mom? Are we going to Zoco today, Mom? Mom, will you come for a swim today?’ The barrage of questions was relentless.

‘Let’s just have breakfast first and then we’ll sort ourselves.’ She swung her legs out of bed and felt a rush of nausea. Great, all she needed, a dodgy tummy on top of everything. She sat on the side of the bed taking deep breaths as Katie beamed at her, her blond curls tousled, her cheeks pink. Briony held out her arms, and Katie snuggled in, smothering her in kisses. ‘Morning, Mom.’

‘What time is it? Briony glanced at the alarm clock. ‘Katie, it’s seven thirty; we’re on our holidays,’ she chided.

‘But Miss Lala’s hungry and my sleep’s all gone,’ Katie explained patiently.

‘Well, my sleep isn’t,’ she said crossly. ‘Come on, I’ll get your breakfast and I’ll open my bedroom door and you can play on the terrace and I’ll get back into bed for a snooze,’ she grumbled, getting off the bed.

‘Now, Miss Lala, look what you did. You made Mom cross. You shouldn’t wake up so early,’ Katie remonstrated with her dolly.

‘I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to be cross.’ Briony dropped to her knees and wrapped her arms around her daughter. ‘Come on, let’s have breakfast outside. We don’t want Miss Lala to faint with hunger,’ she teased.

‘I love you, Mommy,’ Katie said good-naturedly, and Briony’s heart melted.

‘I love you too,’ she said, leading her out to the kitchen. Valerie’s bedroom door was closed and there was no sound from within. Wasn’t she lucky to be sleeping like a log, untroubled? Briony thought resentfully, exhausted after her restless night.

How was she going to explain to Katie that they were going home? If Katie was older she’d have flown home this evening, but the only flights to Dublin landed in the early hours and she wouldn’t keep her up that late. She would make a huge fuss of her today and let her spend her holiday money in the toyshop, and later, before bedtime, treat her to a sparkly fruity cocktail in the Trafalgar Bar. That was a special treat. Katie loved sitting on the little balcony overlooking the street, sipping her Kiwi Loco cocktail, decorated with the pink swirly umbrellas and sparklers. And Briony rather liked their Daiquiris. Valerie would not be invited to this evening out.

She needed to check out flights and fares after breakfast. She’d walk up to El Zoco around nine, take Briony toy shopping, check out her flights, have coffee in the Olive Tree, then spend the day on the beach with Katie, and go out for early dinner and cocktails. She wouldn’t have to spend
any
time with her mother and hopefully she’d be able to fly home the next day. And that would be that! Valerie could go to hell! Briony had lost all respect for her. All the love she’d felt for her mother seemed smothered, damped down. All she felt was hurt and anger, and a huge sadness. Valerie had deprived her of Tessa and Lorcan’s love, and her aunt and uncle’s. Lisa and Steven probably had children of their own now, cousins that she had no knowledge of, or contact with. Her memories of Rockland’s were ones of happiness, of being made to feel special, of being loved. She could have had that for all her life if Valerie hadn’t cut them out of their lives. She had lost so much.

As she got older, she’d learned not to question her mother about the past. Valerie clearly didn’t want to revisit it, and even at that young age she realized that it made her mother sad to talk about it. Briony felt it was up to her to make Valerie happy and so she kept a lot to herself so that her mother wouldn’t fret.

Those early days when they had moved to Dublin had been so strange and unsettling. She missed her daddy, her old house, her friends, and her grandparents. For the first weeks in the crèche she felt utterly bereft when her mother would lead her in, and then leave her with adults and children she didn’t know. When Valerie asked her if she had made friends and did she have fun playing, she would always say yes because she knew it pleased her mother. She remembered most the aching loss for her father that she had felt as a child. No one else in her class had lost a parent. Once, when she’d been eight or nine, her teacher had told the class to write a letter to their daddy for Father’s Day. ‘My daddy is dead,’ Briony had said.

‘You can write the letter and put it on his grave,’ the teacher had said kindly. Briony had written the letter but she had put it away carefully in the drawer in her desk in the bedroom. Her mom didn’t like to talk about graves. There was no point in even asking to put her letter on it, she’d thought stoically. She still had it. She could never bring herself to throw it out. Perhaps now was finally the time to go to Rockland’s and make her peace with the past.

Tears smarted her eyes as she poured Coco Pops into a dish for Katie, and popped two croissants into the microwave. Briony cried for the lonely little girl she had once been until she had found her feet and made friends. Gradually she had settled down and the memories of Rockland’s had faded. And because, over the years, for the most part, her life was full and happy and she had plenty of friends and a loving grandmother who came laden down with treats every weekend, Briony too relegated the past to the furthest reaches of her mind. It was never an issue between her and her mother until now.