Without Doubt (24 page)

I don’t know if I can promise him anything
before I can go in there—depends on the promise. I tilt my head
back and look into his heated eyes; he’s just as effected by this
exchange as I am. “What is it?” I ask quietly.

He turns my head back forward by the grip he
has on the nape of my neck and whispers in my ear again, “Promise
me you’ll talk to me after we meet in there. When we walk out,
please leave here with me, not Jackson. I’ll take you home, but we
need to talk.”

That sounds reasonable enough, I suppose.
“Okay.”

When Declan steps back from me, he thanks me
and goes back to stand by Macie and Greyden, leaving me feeling
overheated and many other things I shouldn’t be feeling in the
presence of other people, including Declan. Damn him. Everyone was
apparently watching us; I couldn’t be completely sure because my
eyes refused to open during that whole encounter, but now that
they’re open and Declan is walking away from me, I can see that
their eyes are still watching. Jackson and Macie both look worried.
Mrs. James looks delighted, Mr. James looks like he doesn’t have a
clue as to what’s going on, Greyden looks content, and the two
beautiful women look a little perturbed, which pisses me off. Just
as I finish my assessment, a short, older woman opens a door and
calls us back. Declan gets a quick word from his lawyers and
Jackson gives me a brief hug. Mr. Andrews whispers in my ear to be
strong and confident and cordial, to remember what our main
objective is and that if it’s important, I can come out to speak
with him.

Declan holds open the door for me as I walk
into the room where the mediation will take place, but his hand
does not take up residence on my lower back like I’m used to, or I
used to be used to, anyway. The older woman gestures for us to take
our places on either side of the table and we do.

My palms are sweaty, my stomach is in knots,
and my head is a tiny bit dizzy. These are close to the same
symptoms Declan forced upon me just outside of this room moments
ago, but they felt totally different. I don’t like the way these
symptoms are leaving me feeling. I blow out an audible breath and
the woman, who has now taken a seat at the head of the table,
offers me a warm smile.

“
It’s okay, dear. From
what I understand this should be a piece of pie.” She continues
smiling but then her wrinkly forehead crinkles even more and her
head tilts in thought. “Or is it cake? I never understood that
expression to be honest, and pie rhymes better, anyhow.”

I smile at her and I hear Declan chuckle a
little from across the table.

“
Well, all right then, you
have quite the crowd out there, so let’s not keep them waiting. You
can call me Sally. I may be old, but I can still put you in your
place and a guard is just on the other side of that door if
necessary, but I don’t see there being any problems like that with
you kids. Am I wrong about that?” Her gray, styled-high head of
hair swivels back and forth between Dec and I.

“
No, ma’am,” we offer in
unison.

“
Your attorneys have
already given me all that you have both prepared and the real
problem that I see is that this little Harper Layne is almost loved
too much, if that’s possible. She’s a beautiful little
girl.”

“
Thank you,” we say once
again in unison and then my face turns red as I catch Declan’s eye.
I have nothing to be proud of with her beauty; I had no hand in
making her. She looks nothing like me, at all. Declan shakes his
head and looks back at Sally; I’m not sure at what
though.

“
You have agreed to
fifty-fifty custody, seven days on and seven days off, with Harper
at Ms. Sterling’s for Easter and Mr. James’ for Thanksgiving.
Christmas you agreed that she would be with Mr. James until six pm
Christmas Eve, at which point she will be dropped at off at Ms.
Sterling’s home. She will spend Christmas morning there and then
will be dropped off at Mr. James’ home at noon and will stay with
him for the remainder of the week, then your normal schedule will
resume. Do both parties still agree to this Joint Physical Custody
agreement?”

Not once during this reading has she looked
up at us, she just recites off the paper in front of her without
emotion; in the meantime I’m trying to accept the fact that my
daughter’s life is being put down on paper like holiday store
hours. People choose mediation for the control to remain in your
hands. You don’t have a stranger like a judge, whom has never met
your children decide what’s best for them. How does a judge know
that on Christmas Eve, my daughter and I bake cookies together for
Santa, that we have been doing that since I wrapped her up in my
Moby wrap when she was just a baby and started a tradition? He
doesn’t know that the Easter bunny freaks her out and there is no
way anyone but me can calm her down if one gets too close. A judge
is clueless as to what a month away from her mother would do to her
if that’s the custody he decided on. He has no idea that I am her
mother in every sense of the word even though I didn’t give birth
to her. I don’t think he would even give that consideration, in
fact I’m pretty sure he wouldn’t, since it took so damn long to get
custody of her in the first place even after Farrah abandoned
her.

“
Ava?” Declan states my
name kindly but firmly and I blink my eyes rapidly to focus back to
the here and now. They’re both staring at me with concern brewing
in their eyes.

“
I’m sorry, I guess I got
carried away with my thoughts for a moment. My
apologies.”

“
That’s all right. Mr.
James said the agreement has been working thus far and he still
agrees to keep it the same. Do you?” Sally asks softly.

“
Yes, I do. I would like
to request that Declan leave Harper with me instead of the nanny
when he travels for his job when possible,” I respond and Declan
sits back in his chair looking all too relaxed. He nods his head in
agreement and Sally makes note of it.

“
Now, next we move onto
the Joint Legal Custody. Ms. Sterling is asking for fifty percent
in this as well, for the education, religion, housing and medical
decisions concerning little Harper. However, Mr. James is
requesting sole legal custody.” Sally looks up at us as if we’re
going to say, “Oh really, its no big deal, whatever he or she wants
will be just fine.”

Unfortunately, neither of us are willing to
bend on this and that’s why we’re here. I knew this coming in
today. I’ve known this since I walked out his front door, but
hearing Sally say it so matter-of-factly and Declan not deny it
crushes me all over again and I struggle to remain strong and
confident like Mr. Andrews told me to be. I sit a little straighter
in my chair and run my hands down my blazer while I slightly clear
my throat.

“
I will be willing to
forfeit religion and education if he will give me a say in housing
and medical decisions.” I do not in any shape or form want to give
up my rights on her education, but let’s face it, she’s going to go
to a great school under Declan’s watch; I know this. By the time
she goes to college, it’ll be her choice. Religion? He’s not going
to force anything on her.

Declan rubs his hands over his face in
exasperation and places his elbows on the table as he leans forward
again.

“
Mr. James?”

“
It’s not that I’m
choosing to not let you have a choice, Ava. I’m protecting Harper
from allowing any room for Farrah to step in. If you would just
come home, you would make all of the decisions like normal and this
damn piece of paper would be hidden in the safe and no one would
ever have to know about it.”

I can hear in his voice that he’s tired of
going through this. Well so am I, but he’s forgetting that once
that agreement is official, it’s forever for me. He will always
have a say, not me. He and I are not guaranteed, and I can’t live
without a guarantee with Harper.

“
I’m just asking for
housing and medical decisions, Declan. You’re already allowing me
to make decisions with the housing and I already make her medical
decisions. I’m just asking that we have it on paper so when the
unknown happens, I’m protected as her mother.”

“
What
unknown Ava? What are you talking about?” he asks quietly and
earnestly, his intense eyes boring into mine.

“
You’re protecting her
from the possibility of Farrah coming back.
I’m
protecting her from her next
stepmother. You will undoubtedly get married someday, or move a
woman into your house, and she will begin to influence your
decision making on situations dealing with my daughter.
That
I can’t allow to
happen, Declan. I
need
a voice. I need to know that I am doing all I can to protect
her. When we cross that road in the future, my hands will be tied.
There will be no coming back in here and changing things because
I’m not her biological parent, you are. If I sign this, the system
will no longer view me as her mother, they will not allow me to
contest to anything you do or say in the future.”

“
If you
don’t
sign this, Farrah
can decide in five years that she wants Harper, full custody, or
even joint custody and we will have go through all of this all over
again, but it will be much worse, I guarantee you. Then she will
most likely get at least fifty percent custody and Harper will have
to start spending time in a strange place with a strange woman and
whatever man Farrah is with at the time. Then, Ava, you won’t have
any rights at all, not even visitation outside of what you can get
from me as her aunt,
not
her mom.
I
can’t allow
that
to happen.”

Declan is just as stressed as I am and he’s
angry too, not that I blame him. I’m not angry with him though; I’m
pissed at the whole situation. Tears are streaming down my face and
my breath is catching. Sitting across the table from me is the man
that I love, the man that was taken from me by circumstance long
before I was ready to give him up. I hate that I’m crying when I’m
supposed to be strong, confident and cordial. I think I’m failing
on all accounts. We’ve been in here for almost an hour and I need a
break. I probably shouldn’t request one but it’s necessary at this
point.

“
Sally, may I please take
a few minutes and use the ladies’ room?”

“
Of course. I could use a
coffee break myself. Let’s meet back in ten minutes and see if we
can’t come to an agreement on this legal custody.” She once again
smiles her warm, grandmotherly smile at me as if my world isn’t
falling apart in front of her.

Sally walks to the back door and it closes
soundly in the quiet room. Declan and I both stand and walk to the
end of the table. I don’t think he’s going to say anything until
just before we reach the door when he grabs my hand and stops
me.

“
Declan please, I just
need a minute,” I say in a rush, trying to beat him to the door
before he can cause any more heartache today.

“
Sunshine, I love you.
Please don’t walk out that door yet,” Declan says in desperation
and a sob lets loose from my chest. “You’re assuming that I will be
able to fall out love with you and love someone else or at least
like someone else enough to bring them into mine and Harper’s life,
but you’re wrong, Ava. I’m in my mid-twenties and you’re the first
girlfriend I’ve ever had.
You
are my forever; I just need to figure out a way
to convince you of that. I’m not going anywhere. The only thing I’m
doing here is being a good Dad and doing all that I can to make
sure I can give you what you want and need. I’m just protecting my
girls. I’m doing everything in my power to assure that we remain a
family unit. All you have to do is stop fighting me on it,
Sunshine. Please.”

And just like that, my hope for getting my
way in this mediation is obliterated. I know he won’t stop until he
has his way concerning this situation because he truly feels like
he’s exerting his only option.

“
Declan, please just let
me have a minute,” I practically beg him, looking away. I know that
if I look into his eyes, I’ll cave. I’ll sign the papers that are
sounding more and more like the inevitable and go home with him. I
know why I started this and I still completely believe in my
purpose, but the chances of me getting my way over his are seeming
grimmer and all I need right now is air.

Instead of air, I get Declan and all of his
manly scent that turns my insides to mush, his never-smelled-better
cologne is all up in my space and my stupid eyes close, my lungs
dragging in a deep breath hoping for fresh air, but my brain
already knows it’s going to be wonderfully tricked. Declan cups my
face and kisses me. Of course, I kiss him right back. I’ve missed
him, I’ve been starved from him and my body begs me to take what I
can get at this very moment. My fists clutch the lapels of his coat
and his strong hands hold me firmly at my lower back. He pulls back
just enough to break the kiss and our breath mingles together like
a slow dance.

“
I love you so much,
Sunshine. I miss you more than you can imagine. If I thought we
would never be in danger of losing our daughter I would walk out
right now and not change a fucking thing, but that’s just not
reality, baby. I’m sorry, so sorry, but we have to do this.” He
kisses me softly as his words spin in my head.