Without You Here (29 page)

"Wyatt, your feelings are normal," Dr. Richards said on Tuesday. Wyatt was laying on the couch this time. It was there. He was tired. Why not? He had one foot propped on the arm of the sofa and the other planted on the floor.

"I don't care if they're normal, I want them to go away."

"Why don't you tell me what it is you want that's in conflict with what you think you have to do."

He sighed. "It's not that I want anything. There's nothing I want more than to be with Ettie. So, I'm over the disappointment of losing this second bachelorhood or whatever it was I thought I had. I'm going to marry her—“

"Going to? Or want to?

"Both. I want to marry her." He sighed. "Someday. I guess."

"Someday you guess. What is it you do want?"

"I guess I thought, maybe, we'd do something different. Because she's not conventional and uptight the way Amberlee was. I guess I thought we'd just keep this thing loose and fun. I wasn't counting on doing something as major as raising a kid together. But I would never, never ask her to do that on her own. I'm with her, one hundred percent. I just thought...." He trailed off, not sure where he was going with the thought.

"Are you concerned about the commitment?"

"Nah. I'm a one-woman guy. I mean, she might come to her senses one day and figure out she can do better than me, but I don't need to look any further."

"Is it possible this is yet another step in letting go of Amberlee and that you're grieving?"

Wyatt got quiet and pondered the question. "I don't want to reduce what Amberlee and I had. I don't want to give Ettie the same things I gave Amberlee because I don't want Amberlee to….”

"To not be special?"

"Yeah. I want her always to have this special place in my life."

"And you think marrying Ettie will reduce that."

He shrugged. Maybe it was ridiculous.

"How have you been feeling otherwise? Still good? Still making progress?"

"Yeah. Just moving steadily along. No more binge drinking. No more depression."

"Good. Glad to hear it. Listen, why don't you just relax about Ettie. Sounds like she understands and is willing to give you plenty of space. There's no hurry to marry her since you're giving her everything else that's important. Just let it go for a while and if it happens it happens."

Wyatt sat up and frowned at the doctor. "What the hell kind of advice is that?"

Dr. Richards suppressed a smile. "I thought it was pretty good advice. You don't like it?"

"No. I need to marry that girl, so you need to tell me that it's okay."

"Okay?"

"Yeah. You're supposed to tell me it's okay to say goodbye to Amberlee. That marrying Ettie doesn't mean my relationship with Amberlee wasn't special. That Ettie is just as deserving of my love as Amberlee was. And that every marriage is different and I shouldn't compare my time with Amberlee to my time with Ettie."

"Okay," Dr. Richards said. "It's okay to say goodbye. Marrying Ettie doesn't mean Amberlee wasn't special. Ettie deserves your love as much as Amberlee did. And every marriage is different. You really shouldn't compare your time with Amberlee to your time with Ettie."

Wyatt frowned and nodded thoughtfully, as though the doctor hadn't repeated his own advice to himself. "Yeah," he said. "I think you're right. And I know Ettie getting pregnant was a major screw-up on my part, but it's okay to be happy about that, too, right? No sense beating myself up. What's done is done. May as well enjoy the results, right?"

"Seems reasonable."

Wyatt nodded.

"But I also stand by my first advice. Which is to relax for a while. Date the girl. Get to know her. And don't worry about the proposal, because when you're ready, you'll know it."

Wyatt went home that night and slept peacefully for the first time since Ettie had left--aside from the erotic dream he had about her, but that wasn't an unpleasant way to wake up, and he fell right back to sleep after.

In the morning, he woke up and reached for the other side of the bed, as he so often did out of lifelong habit. Only this time he was reaching for Ettie. When he opened his eyes and realized what he'd done, he smiled.

CHAPTER THIRTY-SIX

Graduation came and the nerves didn't mix well with my afternoon sickness. I was having trouble keeping food down and I was exhausted from not sleeping well. But I was still excited. So many things were changing, and in good ways.

I knew Wyatt was going to be here with the rest of the family to watch Blake graduate, but the crowds in the auditorium were so large it was impossible to find him. I sat with my fellow accounting majors and waved at Blake and Lauren who were across the room with the journalism majors. I had on a pretty dress beneath my gown because I wanted to go out and celebrate afterwards. I hadn't made any specific plans. I figured I'd get invited with the Jacksons to do whatever they were doing in celebration.

I sat and listened to the commencement speaker. I stood when my major was called. I threw my cap in the air with everyone else, though we'd all been told not to. And then I let the massive throngs push me towards the exit. It was a slow, grueling process. The whole time I was trying to get to Blake and Lauren. I wanted to attach myself to them so I could go party with them after.

But I couldn't find them before I was squeezed out the door and into the parking lot. I paused a moment to enjoy the space and fresh air. Then I glanced around for my friends. For Wyatt. I should have made plans with him. He'd just said he'd see me at graduation. We should have set a place.

I looked for familiar cars when I couldn't find familiar faces. But there were almost as many vehicles as there were people. Gradually the people and the cars began thinning. I went to the area where Blake, Lauren, and I had parked. I was starting to get frustrated because Blake was my ride and I wasn't sure how I was getting home if he left without me.

His car was gone. I was doubly pissed because my cell phone and purse were in there, which had been stupid of me.

"Hey, need a ride?"

I turned to look into the face of Todd Ross, a business major I'd dated a couple years back. "I might," I said. "I can't believe they would just leave without me."

Todd shrugged and cocked that delicious smile of his. I used to swoon so hard at the sight of that smile. It did nothing for me, now. "Well come party with us," he said.

Todd had broken up with his latest girlfriend a month ago, so I was not going partying with him. "I really need to find Blake."

"I thought you two called it quits?"

"Yeah, but I'm supposed to hang out with him and Lauren and their families."

"Alright. I'll give you a ride, then."

I thanked him and followed him to his car. Todd made his two friends ride in back so I could ride shotgun. He took me to my apartment, but when I looked up, I saw the windows were dark.

Todd grinned at me. "Looks like you're partying with us."

I sighed. "Let me run up and check."

I went up and found the apartment empty. So I made Todd drive me to Blake's place. There was a party going on, but it was his roommate's. So I got back in the car and sighed.

"Come on, Ettie. We're going to After Life. You know you feel like dancing right now."

He was right. I did feel like dancing. "I should go back to my apartment. One of them's bound to be looking for me."

"Honey, they've got parents. They're busy. Come on. I promise I'll get you home at a decent hour." He punctuated this with a lascivious wink.

I argued a little more but in the end gave up. I didn't know what else to do. And I did really want to dance.

After Life was way too chic of a nightclub for Southwest Missouri, but we were glad it was there. It seemed a little more sophisticated than the college hangouts we'd started out with when we were Freshman. We were full-fledged adults, now. Time to party like adults.

I just danced, though. With Todd because I couldn't seem to shake him off. The lighting was low and the music was loud. I danced for the better part of an hour before I got too thirsty and tired to keep going.

"I'll buy you a drink," Todd said, raising his voice so I could hear him over the music.

I nodded. He led me toward the bar, which was set sort of apart from the dance floor. They'd done something with the acoustics so that it was quieter at the bar. Still loud, but you didn't have to shout to be heard in conversation.

I leaned on the bar, not at all surprised when the bartender's eyes dropped to my chest. I'd worn this low-cut dress with this push-up bra for a reason. Unfortunately, my reason wasn't here. "Cranberry juice," I said.

Todd opened his mouth to order, but it wasn't his voice that spoke next.

"And a beer."

I grinned as I felt Wyatt's presence behind me. Todd looked over my head at Wyatt.

"I got this," Wyatt said, to the bartender. He rested his hand on my shoulder.

The bartender got our drinks. Todd didn't order anything because he was too busy gaping at us. "Todd, this is my ride," I said. "Wyatt, this is my friend, Todd."

They nodded at each other, but didn't shake hands.

"You're driving Ettie home?" Todd asked.

"Yeah!" I said, so Wyatt wouldn't have to talk to him. I got the feeling he wouldn't want to. "Wyatt's Blake's dad."

Todd's jaw dropped. "You're dating Blake's dad?"

"Yeah. Weird, huh?"

"Is Blake cool with it?"

"He is now. It was difficult at first, but he actually helped us get back together. I think since he's got Lauren, now, it's easier for him to accept me and Wyatt."

I glanced back at my lover. He was thumbing through the contacts on my cell phone. "You found my phone!" I said, delighted.

He frowned down at the screen. Tapped something with his thumb. And then held it to his ear. A moment later: "Found her...yeah, you can quit worrying...the third bar I tried, some place called After Life." He squinted at the sign over the bar, trying to read the script. "She was dancing...." He gave Todd a nod. "What'd you say your name was, son?" he asked.

I grinned. Todd swallowed nervously. "Todd. Sir."

Wyatt went back to ignoring him. "Some kid named Todd something...," he said into the phone. Then he rolled his eyes, sighed, and handed me the phone.

I took it, far too happy to care about the tongue-lashing I was going to receive. "We were worried sick about you, Ettie!" Blake shouted. "You could have been murdered in a gutter somewhere! Where the hell were you?"

I laughed. "You're the one who drove off and left me."

"I thought you'd gotten a ride with Dad. We went back and looked for you."

"Todd offered me a ride."

"Yeah, I'll bet he did. Listen, we're all back at the apartment. Our dinner was completely ruined we were all so worried."

"Yeah, okay. I'm sorry, Blake. We'll be home in a few minutes."

I hung up and slumped against the back of my barstool. Then I looked up and saw Wyatt smiling. He was kind of a cross between amused and befuddled. "I'm really sorry," I said.

He grinned then. "Never apologize to me, Ettie. I figure this isn't the last time I'll end up chasing you down."

"I intend to make it very easy for you to catch me."

He lifted my hand and kissed my palm.

"Dance with me, Wyatt," I said.

He glanced back at the dance floor. "Not really my style, sweetheart. But you go on and I'll watch."

I studied him for a long moment. "Really?"

He laughed. "Yeah, really. Go on and have fun. Celebrate. Just if you gotta go somewhere, take your goddamn cell phone."

I jumped up and hugged his neck. He held me tight. "You really don't mind if I dance without you?"

"Of course not. So long as you don't mind if I watch."

I kissed him on the cheek and then turned back to Todd. "Come on," I said, grabbing his hand. He stood still, though, staring at Wyatt.

"This is okay, sir?" he asked.

Wyatt laughed. "She's not my daughter. She can dance with whoever the hell she wants." But then he dropped his smile and lowered his voice. "Just keep your hands on neutral territory, you hear?"

Todd nodded quickly and backed up a step. I laughed and pulled him to the dance floor. We danced through four more songs and then I really couldn't do it anymore. I felt Wyatt's arm snake around my waist and I sank into him. I was exhausted.

He walked me out to his truck and helped me in. He got behind the wheel and stuck the key in the ignition, but didn't turn it. Instead, he grabbed me and kissed me, deep and long, one arm around my waist, the other hand cupping the back of my head.

"God, I missed you," he said.

I leaned back against the seat, a blissful smile on my face. "I missed you, too."

"I was worried sick." He said it like a confession. Like he was sorry for feeling that way.

I sat up and took his face between my hands. "I am so sorry. I hate that I made you worry."

"I just don't ever want to lose you, Ettie. I don't know how you got under my skin so fast, but I feel like there was never a time when I didn't love you with my whole soul."

I flung my arms around him and pressed against him, overwhelmed by how deeply I felt his words. "I love you like that, too, Wyatt. When I heard your voice tonight, it was like suddenly my whole world made sense. You're so wonderful. I love you so much." I felt like my words did nothing to convey how deeply I cared for him.

He squeezed me tighter. His hand traced up my arm towards my hand. He was going to pull me away and I didn't want that. His fingertips brushed over my palm, but there was something else. Something metal. And round. He pressed it into my hand and closed my fist around it.

Then he pulled back and pulled down my hands. He held them in his and smiled into my eyes. "I don't want to live another moment uncertain about whether you'll be my wife or not. I need you to say yes, Ettie. I need to be a family with you. I was a selfish ass last weekend and I'm sorry."

"It's not selfish, Wyatt."

"I thought I was losing something. Giving something up. But it's the complete opposite. I
want
to marry you. I
want
to be a family together. I'm really excited about it, actually. I figure we'll do a small wedding so we can go on a big honeymoon. Then when we come back, we'll set up our house and our nursery. We'll deck out her room in pink camo...I already got something for her." He reached behind the seat of the truck and pulled out a small teddy bear with a pink camo hat and t-shirt.