You Only Live Once (16 page)

It was such a difficult time, having to deal with these endless setbacks. I felt as if I couldn’t do anything right. I had been part of Asda’s Tickled Pink campaign – for breast cancer awareness – and had posed for a series of lingerie shots to promote it. Money from my lingerie sales was also going to the charity. But I was dropped because people objected to comments about the scars from my breast surgery which I made on my reality show. I felt they had completely misunderstood these comments, which were entirely to do with me and how I felt about my own body and nothing to do with women who had breast cancer, who have always had my full support.

I had recently run a 10-kilometre race to raise money for a cancer charity because I know how devastating the disease can be. My mum’s best friend Louise had battled breast cancer in the past and I saw how tough it was and the toll it had taken on her and her family, so I would never in a million years have wanted to say anything to offend women like her. Louise had been one of the women I had got to model my lingerie range a few years earlier, after she had cancer. She wanted to do a story in the papers about how supportive I had been to her during her illness. She managed to get a feature in one of the weekly magazines but none of the tabloids picked it up. No one wanted a good news story about Katie Price.

It felt as if people were queuing up to kick me, and whatever I said or did was blown up out of all proportion or twisted or was made up. At least on Twitter and my website I receive so many good messages of support from my fans. The haters who love to knock me can come out with their bitter and twisted comments, but I’m not listening to them.

Then in November things took a more sinister turn when I received a series of hateful letters threatening to torture and kill my horses, and heaping vile abuse on me – calling me a slag and a whore. I was stunned. I just couldn’t believe that anyone would want to hurt an animal, but I know that there are some serious weirdos out there who have maimed and killed horses in the past. I took the threats seriously and called the police. Fortunately there are really good security measures at the stables where my horses are at livery, but even so it was horrible knowing that there was someone out there who wanted to kill an innocent animal. Later the police did catch the man concerned and he said he had sent the letters as a joke. Some sick joke that was.

I also read that a village in Kent were planning to burn a giant effigy of me as part of their Bonfire Night celebrations. Apparently every year the village chooses a celebrity to put on the bonfire on 5 November – the year before it had been Russell Brand and Jonathan Ross. I’m sure it was only meant to be a bit of fun but I couldn’t help wondering what exactly I had done to make people want to see that kind of spectacle. And as I was a mum of three young children, I really didn’t think it was appropriate that they chose me. What if Junior had found out? He would have been really upset.

It wasn’t just strangers who said hurtful things either. Pete’s brother was filmed on Pete’s TV reality show, saying that he was embarrassed to call me his sister-in-law. I found his comment so upsetting. He’d lived with Pete and me for a year, and I’d always made him feel welcome. Even when he was no longer living with us, we would often see him. How dare he disown me on national TV? He had a short memory, seeing as it was his brother who had finished with me.

It almost felt as if some people were trying to drive me to have a breakdown with their stories in the press. I did have some dark times when I feared that the stress I had gone through with my marriage break-up and then the endless battering from the press might cause the cancer I had previously suffered from to return. In 2002 I had gone to the doctor about a lump in my finger. Tests revealed that the lump was malignant, a rare form of cancer called Leiomyosarcoma or LMS. Fortunately for me it had been detected early on and the lump was removed. I am supposed to have regular MRI scans to check that it hasn’t come back and up until now I’ve always been clear, but I know how bad stress can be for you. Fortunately I had Alex, my family and friends standing by me and helping me to stay strong through these tough times.

Still, it did get to the stage where I was looking forward to going back on
I’m a Celebrity
. . .
Get Me Out of Here!
just to get a break from all the shit the press were giving me. How ironic was that? In order to get a break from the paps, I was going to be filmed 24/7. I had agreed to go back on the ITV show, thinking it would be an incredible experience – especially as I knew what to expect after my first appearance in 2004. ITV had offered me brilliant money to take part and it seemed crazy to turn it down. I’m a single mum who works to support my family. To me this was just another job. Plus it seemed like a bit of an honour as I was the first person ever to return to the jungle. I knew I would really miss the kids but I couldn’t take them over to Australia because it was important that Harvey and Junior did not take time out of school and I didn’t think it would be fair just to go with Princess. I also thought it wouldn’t be fair on Pete, though had we been able to talk amicably, I would have suggested that I did take the children over and then his parents, who live in Australia, would have had the chance to see them.

It was going to be strange, returning to the place where I had fallen in love with him nearly six years ago. I thought it would be a form of closure on my marriage, not that I needed it because as far as I was concerned it was over. But it would be like going full circle, right from the beginning of my fairy-tale love story with Pete to its end. I definitely didn’t agree to go back so as to see if I was still in love with Pete, because I one hundred per cent knew that I wasn’t. It wasn’t a form of therapy, it wasn’t facing my demons. I just wanted to go back so that I could feel like a stronger person, to prove to myself that I could deal with everything that had happened. And Alex, my family and friends supported my decision to go, though I knew they were all worried about me doing the trials and warned me I was bound to be voted in to do a lot of them.

ITV wanted to keep my appearance on the show a secret until I arrived in the jungle or at least until a few days before, but it was only fair that I should let Pete in on it. ‘I want you to know that I’m not going to say anything bad about you. In fact, I don’t want to say anything about you at all,’ I told him on the phone.

His reply was that he would see.

‘I swear on my life that I’m not going to slate you!’ I exclaimed, frustrated by his attitude. ‘If you read anything that says I have, it won’t have come from me. It will be a lie.’ He still didn’t sound convinced but there was nothing more I could say to him.

CHAPTER NINETEEN

RETURN TO THE
JUNGLE

At the beginning of November poor Harvey ended up being rushed to hospital. He had ’flu-like symptoms: breathing difficulties, a very high temperature and sickness. Because of his medical condition he can’t fight off infections in the way other children can; his medication levels need to be altered and we always take any illness of his very seriously indeed. He was suspected of having Swine Flu and taken to hospital as a precaution. Tests quickly established that he didn’t have Swine Flu, but he still needed to be monitored. I was on a book tour, promoting
Standing Out
, when I got the call from my mum telling me how unwell he was. I quickly cancelled a signing and dashed to the hospital.

On the way I contacted Pete to let him know as I knew he would want to see Harvey. I made it clear that I didn’t want anyone else in the room except him and me because of the risk of infection – nor did the doctors. I have to admit that it was strange seeing Pete again after so many months and everything that had happened with the divorce and all the lies that had been written about me since in the press.

When he first walked into the room, I thought, ‘Bloody hell! He’s tiny,’ because he’d lost so much weight he didn’t look like the Pete I knew or even act like him. It was as if I didn’t know him at all, which was weird seeing as I had been with him for five and a half years. To me, he seemed to have lost his spark and was very gaunt in the face. When I had seen recent photographs of him I’d thought I could see sadness in his eyes, but this encounter was perfectly amicable. We didn’t talk about our break-up, just gave Harvey lots of attention and swapped stories about the other children, the activities they did with Pete and what they did with me. And all the while Harvey was lying in bed, saying, ‘It’s Mummy and Daddy!’ because of course he didn’t understand that we weren’t married any more.

Pete must have been able to see that I was still the same woman he had married. That I was genuine, vulnerable, concerned for my son . . . nothing like the monster the press had created.

Harvey was discharged from hospital the following day. With a bit of TLC and rest at home he was going to be absolutely fine. But, of course, me seeing Pete sparked the usual flurry of lies in the press. One story said that I hadn’t told him about Harvey’s illness and he’d had to find out from journalists; another that Alex had been in the hospital with me and Harvey, and that Pete had ordered him to leave – which was utter rubbish as Alex wasn’t even there at the time. He had gone to see Harvey earlier in the day.

* * *

Two weeks later I was on a flight to LA, on the first leg of my journey to Australia. Harvey had made a full recovery by then. If he had still been ill there’s no way I would have gone. I would have pulled out of the show.

When it was revealed that I was going back into the jungle there were some people who said that I was only doing it in order to win back the popularity that I worried I’d lost since the marriage break-up. I was asked in interviews if I was doing the show to get people to like me again, but that really wasn’t the reason why I had signed up for it. However, I did want people to know that I was a completely different woman from the heartless bitch the press had portrayed me as over the past six months. When I went on the show for the first time in 2004 many people had the idea that I was just a Page Three bimbo, who spent all her time plastered in make-up and falling pissed out of night clubs, but they changed their view when they saw what I was like in the jungle. They saw that I was down-to-earth, ready to take on any of the challenges, and that I was a woman capable of falling deeply in love. I hoped people would see that I was still that woman. And maybe I did want Pete to watch the show and realise what a decent person I am, that I was still the girl he’d married. I hoped that if he did, he would stick up for me and help stop all the lies in the press. But I certainly wasn’t looking for any more than that. There were stories that I would drop Alex in a heartbeat if I thought there was any chance of getting Pete back; how I would always love him. They couldn’t have been further from the truth. I couldn’t understand why the press kept going on about it when, as I’ve said before, Pete had made it crystal clear that he didn’t want to be with me any longer.

The celeb mags even brought in behavioural experts to comment on my behaviour. They came out with a lot of crap about me being a ‘desperate woman’ who wanted to right a situation that had gone wrong, and said that I was ‘desperate to win approval from Peter’. How I was only going back into the jungle to relive the past and be reminded of a time when I was happy. Even though I had said that I wanted closure, the opposite would happen – I would move backwards instead of forwards, a clear sign that I wasn’t over the split . . . blah-blah-blah! Why wouldn’t the press get off my back? My marriage was over. Pete was the father of my children and I would never want anyone to harm or hurt him, but all I wanted now was for us to be friends, for the kids’ sake. But I admit that because I had been so battered by the press, and felt Pete had done nothing to protect me, that I did sometimes wish he’d find out what it felt like to be on the receiving end of so many lies, such criticism, such slating, every single day. He had walked out on me and received nothing but praise. Would he have been able to cope with the bad press I got?

Reporters had also asked if I was looking for romance, but no way was I! For a start I was deeply in love with Alex – not that the press knew that as we hadn’t given any interviews about our feelings for each other. The producers of the show had told me that they had put a fit bloke into the camp, but I wasn’t interested. I thought if I saw another couple fall in love that would be nice. I had been there, done that, bought the t-shirt and had the divorce. I could give them plenty of advice . . .

When we stopped off in LA for three days I took the opportunity to get my Botox done – I might be going to rough it in the jungle but I still wanted to look halfway decent. I had decided not to get my hair braided this time round. During my first jungle experience I’d had long blonde hair which I’d had braided, but I thought everyone would criticise me for trying to relive my last experience if I went for the braids again. So God knows what my hair extensions would look like by the end of my time in the jungle! I wanted to take Gary Cockerill as my luxury item, so that he could do my hair and make-up, but of course they wouldn’t let me!

I also appeared on the
Chelsea Lately
show – I had been asked to go on it but you’d never believe that if you saw the interview. Chelsea Handler has a reputation for taking the piss out of her guests and she certainly did that with me – but not in a funny way. She was just vile and used me as the butt of her crap jokes. I felt like walking off. Looking back, I wish that I had but at the time I thought, ‘Just tolerate it. It’s only for a few minutes and will soon be over.’ Then I was back on the plane and, after a stop-off in New Zealand, landed at Brisbane. I wasn’t feeling particularly nervous then. As far as I was concerned, I wanted to go into the jungle and get on with it, but as I landed I still didn’t know when I would reach the camp. The press made out that I was desperate not to go in straight away and had thrown some diva fit, which is bollocks. They were most likely pissed off with me because I wouldn’t give them the shots that they wanted, nor would I talk to any reporters. Instead I kept my mouth shut, ignored them all and pretended to be permanently on my phone.

Things were great between me and Alex and we’d been in touch regularly since I left the UK. I was expecting him to fly out to Australia on 22 November with a group of people including my brother.

I was staying at the Palazzo Versace hotel, which was where I’d stayed first time round in the jungle. I’d also stayed there when I came out for a holiday later on with Pete and the children. As I travelled along the Gold Coast, memories of my marriage began flooding back as I thought about being in Australia with Pete. The hotel is really close to where his family live, though I hadn’t seen or been in touch with them since the break-up. But I didn’t want to cry. It wasn’t as if I wished things could be different, it was just an emotional experience thinking back over the past. I wondered if Pete’s parents would watch the show. If they did, I hoped that they would also think, ‘That’s the Kate we know.’

As soon as I was checked into my room, the show’s producers came to see me and told me that I would be going into the jungle the following day at 11 a.m. I was absolutely fine about that. I planned to fit in some lastminute beauty treatments so I had a sunbed, got my eyebrows tinted and had my nails done. Then I planned to have a long sleep so that I could be fully rested for whatever lay in store for me the following day.

Instead I woke up at 4 a.m. because I was still jetlagged. I called the kids. I had set up Skype on my computer and had asked Pete to do the same on his so that I could see the children before I went in. It would have meant a lot to me, but unfortunately Pete said he couldn’t get it to work, which did upset me. All I had now were the photographs of them which were going to be my luxury item. Before I’d left the UK I’d had a set of string bracelets made, each with a different object on it that meant something special to one of the children – so Harvey had a train on his, Princess a dummy and Junior a car. The plan was that while I was away they would each wear their bracelet and I would wear three matching bracelets to remind me of them all.

I put on my kit, the khaki shirt with ‘Katie’ written across the back – last time it had said ‘Jordan’ – and the red trousers. And as I looked in the mirror, once again memories of Pete came rushing back and I felt sad about the way things had turned out for us. Was I doing the right thing going back into the jungle? For the other contestants it was just a game show, but it meant so much more to me. I was going back to the place where a fairy tale had begun for me. I had met my future husband there, I’d had two more beautiful children, and five and a half years on the fairy tale had ended and I was going back in.

Once I was wearing my kit and the producers had checked my bag to make sure I wasn’t smuggling anything in – I managed to get some hairbands past them – I started to feel apprehensive about returning to the jungle. I had heard, whether it was actually me or not, that other contestants had been slagging me off and saying they didn’t want me in there. I suddenly realised how horrible it would be if I turned up at the camp and they were all vile to me. In particular I’d heard, whether it was true or not, that the interior designer Justin Ryan didn’t like me and had said that I wasn’t welcome in camp. But I’d signed up for it, I’d better get on with it. Before I left the hotel I sprayed my entire kit and bag with Coco by Chanel, which as it turned out was a completely pointless thing to do as within a matter of hours I would be smelling rank!

When I arrived at the helipad to get the helicopter which would take me to the camp, I saw the same guys I’d met the first time round when I’d been with Pete. It felt strange not having him with me. I said goodbye to Diana, who had come out with me, and did get tearful then. It was from a mixture of nerves and feeling emotional because I knew I wasn’t going to see the children for a while, and mixed in with that were all the memories of last time. Everything was swirling round in my head – thoughts of the children, of Alex, of Pete. On the flight to the camp I remember looking down at the land below and all the houses, wondering if I had flown over Pete’s parents’ house.

As soon as I landed, my jungle experience kicked off for real as none of the crew would talk to me and all their watches were covered up. I said goodbye to the woman who had flown with me, trying really hard not to cry. I hadn’t expected to feel like this! I tried to pull myself together. I felt upset about missing the children, nervous about what to expect, worried what the public would think of me – not that I really cared what they thought, but I knew that from now on everything I did was going to be watched and judged.

I was told by the crew that we had to start walking, though they wouldn’t tell me where we were going. It was boiling hot by then and it felt as if we walked for ages. And then we arrived at what was to be my first challenge. Looking back, I don’t think I had mentally prepared myself for the trials. I’m afraid of anything involving water, heights or spiders, and I didn’t want to do any of the gross eating challenges either. The first time I went into the jungle it was a brilliant show for me to do because it helped people to see the real me and I did want to do well and maybe even win. But this time round I was thinking, ‘I’m not actually going on the show to win. I don’t need to. I don’t need the money, and if I don’t want to do something in a trial then I won’t!’ Which probably wasn’t the attitude that was going to get me through.

My heart sank when I saw that the challenge involved collecting a number of yellow balls that were submerged in a murky pool. I have a real fear of going underwater, as I said earlier, dating back to when I was a teenager and had a panic attack while swimming. I actually thought I was going to drown. The water in that pool looked deep and absolutely stank; I don’t think I’ve ever smelled anything quite as foul! I think it had fish guts and other yucky things floating about in it. ‘I don’t want to get in that fucking water!’ I thought. I was terrified because I didn’t know how deep it was. And while I was working myself into a state of anxiety, the crew didn’t say anything to me, just kept on filming. It was exactly what had happened the first time round, but it felt horrible, as if I was nothing to them and all they cared about was filming me. I do realise that it is a TV show but it felt as if there was no humanity in their approach to me.

I just couldn’t bring myself to get in the water – I was petrified about how deep it was. The more I tried to psych myself up to get in it, the more fearful I became until I could feel myself going into a panic attack. My hands went into spasm, and one of the crew had to give me a paper bag to breathe into. They had to abandon their policy of not talking to me then as it was obvious that I was having a panic attack and that I wouldn’t be able to get into the water unless they told me how deep it was. So finally someone told me that the water wasn’t deep and I would be able to stand in it.