You Only Live Once (15 page)

However, I was determined to put on a brave face and had planned a spectacular press launch at which I was wearing a gorgeous glittery blue swimsuit, which I think had some 4,000 crystals sewn on to it – you know how I love my bling! And I was accompanied by a posse of hunky guys, including my friend Anthony Lowther, all stripped to the waist and showing off their six-packs – with the word ‘Sapphire’ inked on to their chests. I love my work!

The press launch went well and then came the book tour. It was so brilliant to have Alex with me on that. To throw the press off the scent he pretended to be my security guard, but I knew it wouldn’t be long before they found out we were an item. I was trying to play down how deeply I had fallen in love with him in front of my friends and family, but I think everyone could see our feelings for each other.

Luckily my fears that people would have turned against me proved to be unfounded as huge crowds of fans queued to have their copy of
Sapphire
signed by me. It meant so much to me that they hadn’t believed all the lies and I really do appreciate their continued support. I was absolutely thrilled when the book went to number one in the bestsellers list.

But it didn’t take long for the press to get on our case. I did warn Alex what the attention could be like but I don’t think he could ever have imagined just how intense it would become, and how the tabloids would try and rake up anything they could on him. Once they found out about our relationship it wasn’t long before ex-girlfriends of Alex sold their stories, saying that he was vain and obsessed with his looks and being famous, and that he was obsessed with sex. There were even stories saying that I wanted him to have surgery on his nose and ears because I thought he could look better. Crap! I love Alex’s looks. I would never want him to have surgery. I think he’s really handsome just the way he is. His broken nose and battered ears are his ‘badges’ from fighting, as he calls them, and to me they add character to his looks, show that he’s a man who’s experienced life to the full.

There were also so many stories saying that I wasn’t over Pete yet, that I was begging him to take me back – all lies. One particularly ridiculous article said that I had a shrine to him in my house! That was insane – I had taken every single picture of him down. Another said that I had been singing ‘I Will Always Love You’ down the phone to him. I couldn’t even sing that Whitney Houston number if I tried! It wasn’t even ‘our’ song, so why would I sing that to him? I was so sick of it. I had moved on, why wouldn’t the press accept that? And I’m sure that the public were getting tired of reading it too.

Whenever the press turned their attention on my relationship with Alex and what we did as a couple, they managed to put a negative spin on it. If Alex wasn’t with me when I went out there would be stories that we’d split up. I thought, ‘Why can’t they just let us be?’ We weren’t selling our stories to the press, we were just getting on with our lives, we weren’t asking for this attention, we didn’t want to be in the papers every day. But the stories would only get worse as our relationship progressed, and the lies more and more extreme. I felt extremely protective of Alex. I was used to being slated in the press, but he wasn’t. He didn’t deserve to be attacked in this way.

At the beginning of August 2009 Pete had the children and I flew out to Malaga with Alex and a group of my friends to stay at another friend’s villa. We sunbathed, swam in the pool and generally lounged around chatting, behaving no differently from anyone else on a mini-break. But the press made it out to be sleazy and something it wasn’t, calling it our ‘X-rated’ holiday. The only person being sleazy was the one who took pictures of me as I sunbathed topless by a private pool and then sold them to the press! Pete was quoted in
New
magazine as saying no way would he take me back now. As if there’d been any chance that I’d want to go back to him! I knew I never, ever wanted to go back to him.

By now the only reason I was sad about our marriage ending was because of the children and the breaking up of our family.

A couple of weeks later I was preparing to walk up the aisle in a stunning white wedding dress. No, not for my own wedding! Even I’m not such a quick worker, and anyway my divorce was yet to come through. This time I was Maid of Honour for my best friends Gary and Phil who were renewing their wedding vows. Alex and the children came with me to the
Midsummer Night’s Dream
-inspired day – I love how my friends put on a show! There were cute white ponies with unicorn horns, women dressed as fairies, hunky men as fauns, and other people dressed as swans and peacocks on stilts. (Not sure where they feature in the Shakespeare play, but they looked amazing!) It really was a fairy-tale day. Though I joked that they should have called it
Two Gay Men and a Lady
because Gary, Phil and I are joined at the hip! They have been friends of mine since I was seventeen, and have stuck by me through everything. They’ve always been so loyal and have never sold any story about me. I trust them completely. They vet any guy I’ve ever been with, and if they approve it makes a big difference. I can be myself with them. They’re my gay husbands really.

Even though I was so happy with Alex, I couldn’t help thinking of my first wedding, and it did feel strange to be wearing a white dress again. I felt moved as my friends renewed their vows; it brought back so many memories of the vows I had once made. As the day went on I felt more and more emotional. By the time we’d had dinner and, yes, a few drinks and I was preparing to sing for Gary and Phil, I was in tears.

I was supposed to be singing DJ Sammy’s ‘Heaven’, which I had been rehearsing and had recorded. Instead I impulsively took the microphone and started singing Whitney Houston’s ‘I Have Nothing’, which was the song the choir sang at my first wedding as I walked up the aisle. I don’t know why I chose to sing that number; maybe I needed to lay the past to rest. And, on top of that, it’s a really tough song to sing! I just hoped that Gary and Phil would have more luck with the song than I did . . . Still, as they’ve been together over twenty years, I don’t think there are any worries on that score! Fortunately one of the professional singers joined me as I sang with tears streaming down my face.

I couldn’t help feeling a failure because when you marry someone, you expect to marry them for life and my first marriage hadn’t lasted. But even as I cried, I knew that I would get married again. And then Alex was there at my side, taking me in his arms, and I thought, ‘The past is the past; I’ve got so much to be happy about and to look forward to.’

But my new relationship was lived under the full glare of the media spotlight. I knew it wouldn’t be long before the press found out about Alex being a cross-dresser. I felt very protective of him which was why I wanted to get there first, hinting that I already knew about it and it didn’t matter to me. So when I bought my next horse, I called him Jordan’s Cross Dresser. But I was still anxious for Alex, as I knew only too well how vicious and twisted some of the tabloids can be. And, sure enough, it wasn’t long before he discovered that for himself.

It was the end of August when we came down to breakfast one morning and looked at the Sunday papers. ‘Oh my God,’ he said, as he picked up the
News of the World
. The headline proclaimed ‘Secret Porn Shame of Jordan’s New Lover’, and there was a picture of Alex from a film he was in the middle of making. Before he became a professional cage fighter he’d been an actor, and I knew that he still had acting ambitions and was appearing in a film. The article went on to say that Alex was in a violent hard-core porn film with scenes that glamourised rape. For a few minutes I was completely shocked and then reason kicked in. I believed him when he told me that, while the film was violent, in no way did it glamourise rape, and that it wasn’t porn but a gangster film. I trusted him. I knew that he would never sign up to a film that glamourised rape as someone very close to him had been raped and it had deeply shocked him. Part of the reason he became a martial arts artist and a professional fighter is because it is a nasty world and he wants to be able to protect the people he loves. He’s also taught kids self-defence, but it’s not just about how to fight – it’s also about being better people and showing each other respect.

Both Alex and I believe that rape and sexual assault are serious things and we would never dismiss them. I would certainly never go out with someone who glamourised rape. When I was six, two of my friends and I were sexually assaulted. My mum was sitting close by while we were playing hide-and-seek in the bushes. Suddenly a man appeared and promised to buy us ice creams if we let him touch us. We were so young that we went along with what he said. He lined us all up, exposed himself, and then bizarrely began his assault by licking each of us. Then I think he touched us – I can’t really remember, I must have blocked it out. I think we all knew that what he was doing was wrong but we were paralysed with fear. Thank God some older children saw what he was doing and he ran off. I rushed off to tell my mum what had happened but by then he had disappeared. She called the police, but I don’t think they ever caught him. When I was interviewed by Piers Morgan in July 2009 I found myself getting emotional when I talked about the incident. I thought I had buried it, but it still had the power to disturb me, even years later. As a mother myself now, I appreciate how vulnerable any child is.

That wasn’t the only time in my life that I came into contact with a paedophile. When I was thirteen I agreed to do some modelling for a photographer who said that he could get me jobs as a catalogue model. First of all he took pictures of me posing in my school uniform, being cheeky, sticking my tongue out or sucking a lollipop. I thought it was harmless, not realising his true intentions. From there he got me to pose in lacy underwear with stockings, suspenders and high heels. I just had to stand there with my hand on my hip, he didn’t ask me to get into any explicit poses, and so I still thought it was harmless. The turning point came when I went round to his house for a shoot and he introduced me to a woman. Like him, she seemed perfectly ordinary, nice even. He said that she was his stylist and they were going to try out a new look with me. This time he wanted me to pose wearing a wet shirt with nothing on underneath. Suddenly this didn’t feel like a game any more. I didn’t want to show off my body in front of these people. I felt really uncomfortable with the idea and for the first time I was frightened. I was alone with them. I told them I didn’t want to.

It was horrible, both of them by now standing close to me, trying to persuade me to do something I really didn’t want to do. And they were very persistent, joking at first and then getting cross. The woman was the most persuasive, saying it would make a really good picture and didn’t I want to be a model? And how I owed the photographer this, as he had taken so many pictures of me. But even aged thirteen, I was strong-willed and didn’t give in to their demands. I left the house, saying I was going outside to wait for my mum. That was the last time I saw the photographer, I never went back.

A couple of years later two female Child Protection officers came round to our house and told us that he was now in prison for a series of indecent assaults on young girls and for taking pornographic pictures of them after he’d drugged them. The officers told me that they wanted to see me to check I was OK because his prison cell was plastered with photographs of me. My mum and I were completely stunned by the revelation. The police officers told me that if he tried to contact me, I must call them straight away. I’d had a lucky escape as I had not touched the drugged milkshakes he always offered me. But it was really shocking, knowing how close I had come to a man like that. I could have been one of those girls he assaulted . . .

But, back in the present, I knew I wasn’t going to let the muck-raking about Alex’s film role drive us apart. Instead I was going to show the world and the press that I was standing by him one hundred per cent. I was due to fly to Malaga that day to launch my KP Equestrian range at a polo event there. ‘I want you to come with me,’ I told Alex, ‘I want to prove to everyone that I am supporting you.’ So far as I’m concerned everyone has a past. I hated the way the press were trying to destroy us by putting a negative slant on Alex.

From the moment we landed in Spain the press attention was absolutely manic. In the end I had to cut short the signing as I was surrounded by fans pushing forward and paps surrounding the place where I was sitting and it was pretty scary. But at least the signing was a success and our appearance together showed that I was sticking by my fighter.

Some of my friends were really concerned about me seeing Alex when this story came out. They were already a little wary because the split from Pete was so recent. They were worried that I wasn’t thinking straight, even though they knew I hadn’t broken down and was getting on with my life and seemed happy. ‘Kate, what are you doing with him?’ some of them said to me. ‘He’s lied to you about this film.’

But I stuck by Alex. He hadn’t lied to me, and I believed him when he said it wasn’t a porn film. He had been honest about everything else in his past and even revealed the most extreme thing about himself, that he liked dressing as a woman, so why would he lie about a film? And as my friends got to know Alex better, of course they warmed to him and grew to like him, which was no surprise to me as he is such a lovely, loveable guy.

CHAPTER EIGHTEEN

THE PROPOSAL AND
ROXANNE IS OUTED

September was a month of firsts. It was the first time in my life that I received a decree nisi – the first step towards finalising my divorce from Pete. In six weeks’ time the divorce would be final and our marriage would officially be at an end. But I didn’t need a court to tell me that my marriage was over. It ended when Pete left me. The last few months had been such a roller-coaster for me, with the pain of the break-up and then falling in love with Alex so soon afterwards, that it was going to be a relief when I could finally say I was divorced.

But life goes on, doesn’t it? Along with the divorce proceedings came Junior’s first day at school. I couldn’t believe that my little boy was old enough! But there he was, looking all grown-up in his school uniform. I was so proud of him. He is such a lovely little boy, loving and full of fun. Both he and Princess were so young at that time, that I hadn’t sat down and told them that Pete and I had split up. I don’t think they would have understood. Instead, I always told them that I loved them, and that Daddy loved them too. My greatest concern was always that all my children should feel loved, protected and safe. And yet it was sad that Junior didn’t have both his parents to see him off on his first day at school. Sadly that didn’t happen and Pete missed out on a real milestone in Junior’s life, which I think was a shame. There are some moments you can’t buy back and seeing our son go off to school for the first time was a once-in-a-lifetime moment for me. I took Junior and he had his own mini-entourage of my mum, Alex, Gary and Nick.

September was also the first time I got to watch Alex fight live. He had been training intensively before the fight, and that included a two-week sex ban which wasn’t to my liking! However, he still satisfied me . . . just not himself to the full potential. And, as he pointed out, some fighters abstain for a month, so I guess I was lucky. Anyway, so long as I still got all my cuddles with extras I wasn’t complaining. I knew how important this fight was for him. I went shopping for some lingerie to show off to Alex as a reward after the fight, and also had a little black dress made by my friend Lamis Khamis with silver and gold sequins spelling out ‘The Champ’ across the front as I was sure that Alex would win. I intended to surprise him by putting it on when his victory was announced. But by the day of the fight – Saturday, 19 September – I was very nervous for him. The thought of him getting hurt was horrible! And along with that it seemed that a lot of people wanted to see him lose as a way of getting back at me. But I wasn’t going to let any of the negative comments get to me; I was going to stand by my man. I took an entire entourage of friends on a coach to support Alex during his fight at The Troxy in East London.

I felt sick with anxiety as we took our seats. But at the same time there is such a brilliant atmosphere at fights it is really exciting. Everyone there has got such attitude, and I like the edge of tension and competition between the different supporters. I reckon it would be the perfect night out for a group of girls as there are so many fit-looking men there. When Alex came into the ring there were boos as well as cheers, but I ignored the boos and smiled and cheered my man. But it was so hard watching that fight! I felt as if I could feel every punch that he was taking and at times couldn’t watch and had to cover my eyes, especially when he received a blow to the face which left him badly cut above his eye. After three rounds, which probably didn’t last that long but felt as if they did, the judges announced that Alex was the winner. I went wild, shouting out his name and cheering, and then quickly stripped off the dress I was wearing and slipped on the little black number. I didn’t care that everyone could see me in my underwear, I just wanted to show that Alex was my champ. And the night was about to get a whole lot better. As we all travelled to Movida to celebrate his win he had something to say to me: ‘Kate, will you marry me?’

There were no scattered rose petals, no bottles of champagne and Alex didn’t get down on one knee. Nor did he give me a ring. But I didn’t need any of those things, I didn’t need to be showered with expensive gifts, all that mattered was that I knew deep in my heart that I loved Alex and wanted to marry him.

‘Yes!’ I exclaimed, and threw my arms around him. A few of my friends heard the proposal but they all promised to keep it under wraps. We had already talked about marriage, so it wasn’t a complete surprise, but all the same it was wonderful that he had asked me. We didn’t want the press to know as this was just between Alex and me, there were going to be no big magazine deals. We talked then about how we would ideally like to get married before Christmas. I fancied a Caribbean wedding, but later we found out that if we wanted to get married so soon after my divorce came through in six weeks’ time then it would have to be in Las Vegas. Everywhere else makes you wait a certain number of months after a divorce before you can marry again – and we knew we didn’t want to wait any longer than we had to. In the meantime, we both had so much on. I had the launch of my style book, Alex had his TV series on fighting, and there was also the small matter of my returning to the jungle . . . but more of that later. And then the press found out about Alex being a cross-dresser.

I knew they would have a field day with the story and make it out to be something seedy and tacky, which it isn’t at all. Sure enough, by the beginning of October the press were running stories on Alex. I know Alex is really secure in himself but it isn’t easy having your name splashed over the papers in connection with something which is so incredibly personal and private. While lots of his friends knew about the cross-dressing, not all of them did. In some ways it must have been as difficult as coming out when you’re gay, though at least his parents already knew and were absolutely fine about it.

‘I suppose I’m going to have to get used to people shouting “tranny” and “cross-dresser” to me in the street,’ Alex confided in me. I hated to think of him getting abuse for something which was nobody else’s business and wasn’t harming anyone. ‘You should just smile and say, “Cheers, mate! Thanks for that!”’ I advised him. ‘Instead of letting it get to you. Otherwise those narrow-minded twats have won.’

But I know it hasn’t been easy for him, knowing that something which is deeply private to him is now public knowledge. One of his friends was getting married and they sent him a text, taking the piss, asking him if he now wanted to come as a Roxanne the bridesmaid. I felt sorry for Alex and wanted him to put his point of view across so I arranged for him to do a shoot and interview with
OK!
Before he did it, I said, ‘Don’t joke about the cross-dressing because it is something private and unique to you, and if you joke about you’ll just encourage other people to take the piss and you’ll end up being hurt inside.’ He took my advice and was completely open about what he did. ‘So what? There are wars happening everywhere and people care about this, give me a break!’ And he said that when he read those stories saying that he was a secret cross-dresser: ‘It makes me laugh. There are no secrets, and there never have been between me and Katie. As far as the rest of the world is concerned? I’ve got nothing to hide and nothing to prove to anybody. I’m proud of who I am.’ He also looked absolutely stunning in the shoot, dressed in a black suit and white shirt, especially when he lay back with the white shirt unbuttoned and showed off his gorgeous toned chest.

And I was so proud of him for standing up for himself. In this Alex is like me. Neither of us is going to live our life feeling worried about what other people think of us. His view is, ‘I am, what I am, and if I don’t fit into society, then bollocks! What does it mean to fit into society anyway?’ Which is a view I share. When he comes across people who criticise him for cross-dressing and say that he is wrong to do it, he will immediately come back with, ‘What’s wrong with it? Why can’t I cross-dress if I want?’

If they then reply that he’s a man and therefore shouldn’t dress as a woman, he’ll say, ‘Who says a man can’t do it?’ And he’s so good at arguing his case that the people who object are often lost for words.

The only thing that does really get to him, and hurt him, is when the press knock his fighting. That is something he is totally committed to and passionate about, and he knows he is good at it.

I then had the idea of showing the world how much I truly didn’t mind about Alex’s cross-dressing at the launch of my style book,
Standing Out.
For once I could turn the press writing endless stories about Alex and me to my advantage and have some fun. I decided that I would dress the men closest to me in four of my most famous outfits. My brother would wear a pink tutu dress and tiara like I had for my wedding; Phil would wear a black and yellow jumpsuit like the one I had worn when I worked as a model for Formula One; Andrew would wear pink shorts and t-shirt from my KP Equestrian range; and Alex would wear a gold swimsuit like the one I had worn when I had dressed up as Xena: Warrior Princess in Ibiza. I myself was going to wear a blonde wig and scarlet dress, and vamp it up. It was our way of saying ‘Up yours’ to anyone who thought there was anything wrong with what Alex did. Plus it was an eye-catching way of getting publicity for my book.

The men were up for it and on 22 October Gary found himself very busy working his make-up magic on four hunky men, while Nick worked his hairdressing artistry on the wigs. I think some people were surprised that I was writing a style book as I’ve often been slated for what I wear but I’ve never set out to be a style icon. I’ve got my own unique style, and over the years I’ve been asked so many questions by fans about my style that I wanted to share the secrets of how I put my look together.

I thought the launch was a success; it was all tongue-in-cheek and a bit of fun. I felt I had made the point that I didn’t mind about Alex’s alter ego. But of course it wasn’t going to end there and I found myself being asked about Roxanne during interviews about the book. Still, if that meant I could show that I was standing by Alex all the way, so be it. I wasn’t going to go into detail, just make it clear that in no way was this a problem between us. I did have some cheeky banter with Graham Norton about it on his show, but that’s what his show is like and Alex was fine about my comments.

By pure coincidence the launch took place on the day my divorce from Pete was finalised. It was such a relief! Finally Alex and I could start planning our wedding. Later, in the press, I saw pictures of Pete hugging Claire and his brother, supposedly after they had just received the news about the divorce. They all looked so happy, with big smiles on their faces, and I thought, if that photo is accurate as described, how can they celebrate such a sad experience? The divorce had damaged our family. All the fame, all the magazine deals, won’t last for ever. They will fade away as new people come into the media and become popular. I felt that all the time Pete was getting such good publicity he seemed to believe it would last for ever, but it won’t. The real test will be in years to come, when all the fame has gone and Pete’s had time to think about what happened.

I was so happy with Alex and he definitely changed my outlook on life. Being with him was making me feel calmer and more chilled out. He’s quite a spiritual person and into meditation and yoga. He introduced me to Bikram yoga – known as hot yoga for being done in a room heated to 105°F. I realised that I didn’t want to hate anyone any more or be drawn into tit-for-tat slanging matches with other celebs. It doesn’t get you anywhere, being bitter and twisted. Life is too short and I just want mine to be happy.

But it seemed that there were still many people who didn’t want me to be happy, and in fact would go out of their way to make me unhappy. On Sunday, 25 October I couldn’t believe my eyes when I saw the cover of the
News of the World
and saw that Michelle Clack, someone I had known for fifteen years and had counted as one of my best friends, and who had even been one of the bridesmaids at my wedding, had sold a story about me. She claimed that I was a ‘monster’, a ‘selfish bitch’, and a ‘liar’. That I withheld sex from Pete and had been to blame for my marriage breaking up. She claimed that now I wanted to get back with Pete, and that I was unstable and needed psychological help. I was completely shocked that a friend could come out with such rubbish. When Pete had left me she and her husband continued to see him and I did find that difficult, especially as Pete was making the break-up even harder by not speaking to me. She would still come and see me, and when she’d just had her baby I went and saw her in hospital. But when I saw Michelle and her husband on Pete’s reality show I did feel betrayed and I did say that she had to choose between being friends with him or me. But I think that’s a normal reaction – my marriage had ended and I felt my ex-husband was being cruel to me.

I’d never in a million years imagined that Michelle would do this to me. I was bitterly hurt by her accusations and so upset. I’m not close to many people and had always counted her as one of my best friends. I’d trusted her and we’d been closely involved in each other’s lives for years. We’d had our children around the same time, and practically every weekend she had come round to my house. In fact, I had only just lent her a crib that had been Princess’s and various other baby things. In the past I had loaned her a horse – Jordan’s Glamour Girl – and paid for its upkeep as she was also a keen rider. At one point her parents had even worked for Pete and me as our housekeepers.

I don’t know what possible motive she could have had for doing such a story. All I can say is that I hope whatever it was she gained from betraying me, it was worth it. I vowed never to see her again. Our friendship was over. The press have written so many bullshit stories about me, but this one stunned and shocked everyone I was close to. They all knew Michelle and couldn’t believe that someone close to me could behave like this. Wasn’t it enough that my marriage had ended? Did I have to lose my friends as well as they turned against me? I also felt that Pete should really question some of the people he has around him and ask himself, if they would still be his friends if they didn’t share the same management? I felt that Michelle could never have been a real friend of mine if she could sell a story like that which she knew would hurt me.