You Only Live Once (17 page)

‘You’re lying!’ I exclaimed, and they had reassure me again that the water really wasn’t deep. ‘What the hell have I got myself into?’ I thought. ‘Why did I ever agree to do the show!’ But somehow I did pull myself together, telling myself, ‘The game starts now. Just get into the water, get the balls and get it over and done with!’

As soon as I got into the water I wanted to retch because the smell was so vile, especially when I had to put my head underwater to reach the balls. It was also freezing cold and so murky I could hardly see what I was doing, but somehow I collected them and then had to decide whether I should let the other contestants keep their luxury item or whether I should choose some food items instead. I went for the food items and chose tea, coffee, biscuits, chocolate, sugar and milk. And as soon as I’d done, I thought, ‘Oh, God, I hope I’ve done the right thing and they won’t be cross with me.’ Then I had to walk to camp, stinking and freezing cold, and the crew didn’t even give me so much as a towel to wipe off the gunk!

It was getting dark when I got close to the camp. I recognised the waterfall and could smell the campfire – no doubt the other contestants could smell me as I approached! And once again I experienced a rush of memories about how it had felt to be here with Pete. Then I thought of my kids, Mum and Alex, watching me on the show, and wondered whether I really could go through with it.

‘Right, we’re going to leave you here,’ the crew told me. ‘Just follow the path down and it will take you to the camp.’ As I got closer I could hear laughter and felt apprehensive about the kind of welcome I would receive. But I need not have worried because as soon as I walked into camp, in my swimming costume and shorts that were caked with God knows what and with my hair matted with gunk, everyone stood up to greet me, smiling as they said hello. My fellow contestants were: Camilla Dallerup, George Hamilton, Gino D’Acampo, Jimmy White, Kim Woodburn, Lucy Benjamin, Sam Fox, Sabrina Washington, Stuart Manning, Colin McAllister and Justin Ryan. I waited for Justin to tell me that I wasn’t wanted there, but he was smiling too. It was such a relief that everyone seemed to be so friendly.

And then all I wanted to do was to have a hot shower and get rid of the foul smell, but of course there was no shower – I had to make do with the cold water in the pond. But I simply could not get the smell out of my hair or out of my costume. My hair stank the entire time I was there – everyone commented on it! As soon as I got out of the jungle I had to take my extensions out because they had been ruined by whatever gunk had been put in the water. I’m not being a primadonna but those extensions had cost me six and a half grand so I was well pissed off. And I think whatever gunk they choose to put on the contestants, they should at least make sure you can wash it out!

I actually ended up with the same campbed I’d had last time as no one had wanted that position since smoke from the fire drifted that way. But it didn’t bother me. In fact, having that bed made me feel more at ease because it was familiar. The first time I was in the jungle Pete’s bed had been just above mine. Now, every time I looked over, I almost expected to see him lying there. In fact, everything to do with the camp . . . the smells, the sounds . . . triggered memories of him and of how we had fallen in love here. It really had been love at first sight and it was emotional for me, being back in the place where it had all started. They were all such happy memories. Then I’d think, ‘But it’s over.’ The good memories had been overtaken by all the bad things that had happened since. It was so sad to think that we were barely talking any more. We had been so deeply in love from the moment we first met.

But while my head was jumbled with thoughts of the past and of Alex, I was, after all, there to take part in a TV show. When Ant and Dec appeared later to give the results of who the public had chosen to do the first bushtucker trial, I suppose it should have been no big surprise that they had voted for me. But I never guessed that I would be voted in every single day. And I hated the sound of the latest trial – The Deathly Burrows.

I think when I was in the jungle the first time, I was much better mentally prepared and up for doing whatever they threw at me. But now I was a mother of three, I was older, I’d just been through a divorce . . . I didn’t have that same hunger to prove myself. I was also very successful in my work. Although the fee for appearing on the show was good, I didn’t actually need it. And I really missed my children. Right from the start I had a voice in my head saying, ‘If you don’t want to be here, why not just go home?’ But then I’d try and tell myself to play the game, be a team player.

And so the following morning found me walking over the bridge to meet Ant and Dec at the site of the trial. However, as they both explained what it involved in their typically cheeky way, I felt my resolve waver. I would have to bash my way through earth walls into a series of chambers to find the stars, which were surrounded by cockroaches, spiders, and God knows what else. Ugh! I didn’t want touch any spiders! And if I had to scrabble about like that, what the hell would be the state of my nails? I’m so obsessive about having perfect nails that I wasn’t even wearing insect repellent because someone had told me it stripped your varnish off, and I would rather get bitten than ruin my nails. I thought, ‘Oh, no! I just don’t know if I can do this,’ which hadn’t been my attitude last time. But then I thought of the kids, and about doing it for them and making them proud of me.

I took a deep breath and started. I bashed my way into the first chamber. It was pitch black and I couldn’t see anything. Straight away I almost wimped out as loads of cockroaches fell on me. Before, when I did the bushtucker trials, the adrenaline would always kick in straight away. This time it just didn’t. I found it really tough to get into trial mode. But somehow I pressed on and got four stars.

Then it all went horribly wrong. I could feel a torrent of water swirling around me, and Ant and Dec told me I had to lie on my back. I was petrified. I couldn’t see and was panicking that I wouldn’t be able to get out of there and I would end up submerged underwater – my worst fear. There was no way I could carry on. I had to shout those infamous words ‘I’m a celebrity . . . get me out of here!’, and they had to bash open the tunnel and pull me out. I was shaking, hyperventilating and crying. I was gutted that I hadn’t been able to collect more stars but I can’t help how I am with water. I think Ant and Dec could see how upset I was because at one point Ant held my hand, and you know what those two are like. Usually they’re giggling like schoolboys when the celebrities do the trials.

Back at the camp everyone was sympathetic even though I’d got so few stars, but then Ant and Dec came into camp and revealed that, surprise, surprise, I had been chosen to do the next trial too. I thought, ‘Do people really want to see me suffer like this? Or is it just that they like watching me?’ I felt bad for the other contestants who were all dying to do a trial. It really is incredibly boring being in camp if you don’t do one – there’s bugger all to do apart from cleaning up, washing and chatting. And so the following day I was off to what would be my second trial, excluding the one I had to do before I even arrived in camp. It was called Celebrity in a Bottle and, as the title suggests, I had to lie down in a giant bottle and answer a series of questions while some 60,000 cockroaches crawled all over me – when one would be bad enough! In those numbers it was a truly vile experience. However, I managed to get six stars, so I was quite proud of myself. Surely three trials would be enough?

Back at the camp, as we sat round the campfire talking, I asked if the others thought I was different from how the media portrayed me and Kim Woodburn had a bit of a pop at me, telling me that I was a publicity-seeker and that I shouldn’t pretend to hate the attention when actually I love it.

‘I used to love it,’ I told her, but didn’t take her comments seriously; she was entitled to her opinion. Before I had gone into the jungle I had decided that if anyone had a go I would simply agree with them. I wasn’t going to start any arguments. I didn’t need to. I don’t try to be seen in any particular light. I am what I am. This is partly Alex’s influence, I’m sure. He has definitely helped me be more chilled out. And I think all the contestants could see within a day or so that I’m actually a nice girl, with a warm heart, and a genuine persona – not this devil woman the press make me out to be.

But I wasn’t feeling quite so chilled out when I discovered that I’d been voted to perform yet another trial, this time with a gruesome school theme. And just to make me feel under even more pressure, the other contestants had to come along and watch – though actually they did give me much-needed support. I was so nervous before the trial I could feel myself shaking. I remember saying, ‘Kids, if you’re watching, I love you!’ I had done a shoot before I went into the jungle with the children and various spiders and snakes, and I knew how fascinated they were about what I was going to do and how excited they were about seeing me on the show.

And then it was time to get stuck into the different disgusting tasks, from putting my face into a tankful of slime and stinking mealworm larvae and collecting the star with my teeth, to swimming with baby crocodiles and then putting my hand into a globeful of writhing snakes. There was even a foul eating task called the Bush Tuck Shop where there was a choice of disgusting things to eat and drink. I thought the least repulsive thing would be the beetlejuice smoothie but after one tiny sip I retched and I had to pass. The finale involved me being dressed in a plastic jacket and boots, and having what seemed like thousands of cockroaches poured on to my head and into the jacket and boots. Ugh! But I did it, and succeeded in winning nine out of twelve stars for the camp. And my fellow contestants were all lovely to me, telling me how incredibly well I had done and how proud they all were of me.

But by now I was feeling that it was getting to be too much. I was really missing the kids and Alex. I’ve been away from the children before, but I’ve always been able to phone them or talk to them on Skype. Not being able to do that was very hard.

In fact, from the moment I woke up in the morning I wanted it to be dark again so I could go to sleep and be one day closer to getting out of there. It was nothing to do with the other contestants. I got on really well with all of them, especially Jimmy White. I’d say to him, ‘Jimmy, breakfast is on, next it’ll be lunch.’ Of course, then I’d be sent off to do another terrifying trial and by the time I got back we’d hear the frog chorus and I’d say to him, ‘The frogs are at it, it must be nearly dinner-time, then it’ll be bed!’

It felt like my days consisted of staring into the campfire, thinking about Pete and the past, missing the kids, and then being traumatised by a new trial . . . and all the time wanting to get the fuck out of there! But I did have plenty of time to reflect on the past. Especially at night I would look into the fire and picture Pete sitting next to it, and they were such good memories. In fact, the whole place reminded me of him. From first thing in the morning till the moment I went to sleep, it was Pete, Pete, Pete. But then I’d think, ‘How fucking sad that it’s all over and we’re not even talking.’ I talked to other people in the camp about him – recalling our whirlwind romance – how as soon as I saw him it was love at first sight, and how I kept expecting to see Pete in the camp. As I had told him on the phone before I went in, I had nothing bad to say about him, only good things.

I also had time to think back over the last six months since he’d left me. It had been a tough time for me but I realised that I might not have acted in the way people expected me to. I felt sorry if I had offended some people, but I couldn’t regret what I’d done in the past because at the time it had felt right for me to behave like that. Perhaps I’d acted immaturely but I was so shocked and hurt when Pete walked out on me, and that’s just the way I chose to handle it. I can’t change how I am. I’ve always been outspoken and am probably my own worst enemy because I won’t play games and pretend to be someone I’m not, just to please other people.

After three days of me being voted to do the trials, the crew who filmed me on my way to the next one would joke, ‘Not you again!’ And I would joke back, ‘Yep! See you tomorrow.’ But I swear, on my life, I did not want to be chosen to do them. Maybe there were some people who thought that I loved it and wanted to be on TV all the time, but I can one hundred per cent say I did not. I was scared of doing another trial. My clothes all stank as we’d only been given two pairs of trousers and shorts, and mine had been wrecked in the trials. It wasn’t worth washing any of the kit as it took so long to dry, and I would be so cold I would have to put everything I had on and try and ignore the smell.

But I had always planned to stick it out; I certainly did not have a game plan to leave early. I’m usually such a trouper, but I was missing the kids so much and I don’t think I was physically or emotionally prepared for doing so many trials. I started telling the other people in the camp that I wanted to go, that I just couldn’t take any more. I think they all thought that I was saying it in a bid for attention, but I wasn’t. I really meant it.

And then I got voted in to do the fourth trial – Hell Hole Challenge. My heart sank. I didn’t think I had the stamina or the energy to go through with it. I felt drained, physically and emotionally. When I got to the trial I almost bottled it when I saw that it involved climbing a 60-foot wall. I’m petrified of heights and just climbing that would have been a challenge in itself, but then I had to stick my hand into a series of holes, when I couldn’t see what was inside them and grab a star. But I did it. I put my hand into holes full of spiders, snakes, frogs and rats, winning nine stars. It felt as if the public
really
wanted to give me a bad time by voting for me. I tried not to take it personally even though it was hard not to. They’d seen me battered and terrified for the last four days. I thought it was time for someone else to have a go. Later, when I did get out, my mum told me how she and my brother Daniel had gone on ITV’s
This Morning
, to talk about my jungle experience and say how painful they’d found it to watch me doing all the trials. To them it had felt as if I was being punished, and my mum had compared my treatment to that received by the gladiators in Ancient Rome where the crowds delighted in seeing them get hurt. Perhaps that comparison is a little extreme but as she’s my mum I guess she felt protective of me. But it did feel to me that I was being punished. I knew when I went in that I would get voted into some trials, but I didn’t think it would be so relentless.