Your Orgasmic Pregnancy (21 page)

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Love and War: Baby vs. Partner (or Baby vs. S

“Taking things slowly, lovingly,

and lightheartedly, with

an open and adventuresome

attitude, is key to becoming sexually intimate again.”

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nderstandably, you’re probably a wee bit immersed in your little one right now—and will be for quite a while. Even- tually, though, you’ll resurface from the joys of having

a newborn, look at the other, much taller love of your life, and find yourself asking: Will we ever have sex again? This question hauntstheheartsandmindsofmanynewparents, especially dur- ing the physician-imposed “refractory” phase just after the birth, whichcanrunfromweeks to monthsdependingonyourdelivery. If you’re not careful, the time period following the Big Day can quickly turn into a subconscious war for your attention.

Many in our society know surprisingly little about childbirth and sex, even if they’ve participated in them. Add to this the fact that most of the literature on the subject of sex and pregnancy is sadly limited and far less frank than necessary for the establish- ment of healthy, comfortable discourse. Most couples lack the in- formation that would help them rediscover and sustain a healthy sex life postbirth. Your Hot Mama mentor team wants to change that!

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Show Yourselves Some Compassion

When it comes to postpregnancy sex, the new mother’s part-

ner inevitably feels neglected by her, no matter how hard she has worked to prevent this from happening. Felicity says, “Sex post- pregnancy is a very different situation. For about two months af- ter givingbirth, therewasnoway Iwasgoing to havesexsince Iwas dealing with issues like exhaustion, hormones, and slight bleed- ing. The relationship became charged with a different intensity

since I was now a mother focusing on her child. There was this shift inusbecausewenowhadanotherperson, ahelpless child, in the family.”

The battle between baby and partner begins long before the little one’s introduction into your life. The uncertainty that comes with knowing someone else is joining the mix can leave some partners, including the Hot Mama herself, insecure about the amountof attention andenergythat will be left over for them. Unfortunately, regardless of good intentions onthepartofeither partner, both of you will be spread much thinner after your new arrival. Babies take a lot of time and energy, and there’s no way aroundthefactthat youwillsimplyhavelessprivate time together. For this reason, it’s very important to quell the trouble before it begins.

Probably the best advice we can give you about reclaiming ev- erything in your life, including hot sex, is this: Don’t push your- self too soon. It’s unfairforanybody, includingyourself, to expect too much of you right away. You have been through a lot physio- logically, psychologically, and emotionally, so it is important not to overload yourself with too many activities, especially when it comes to pleasing anybody in your life who isn’t “the baby.” Draw your boundaries early to reserve your chi so you can expend it on the most important people in your life: your baby and your lover. Here’s Felicity again: “It was such an exciting time, but at the be- ginning you cannot expect everything to always be ‘tiptoeing throughtulips.’ Itcanbehardandisolating. Eventhoughyouhave a newborn, you still need to do things with your partner alone,

whether it’s going out for dinner or out with friends. You need to maintain couplehood and not neglect each other. You need to stay connected because it’s been such an awe-inspiring event and it canbeeasy to stay inona Saturday nightwithyourbaby. It’s okay to be away from your child and be with your spouse. It’s key to do things together as a couple and maintain that bond so you don’t lose sight of it.”

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The Importance of Getting Laid

First, why do you need to have sex? To that we ask: Why not?

While you shouldn’t need an excuse to make love, remember that sex is the foundation of your connection with your partner. Without it, you run the risk of becoming so detached as to barely recognize each other. Sex reduces stress and boosts your energy, andasanynewparentwilltellyou, that’s agood thing! Theendor- phins released during sex help you to feel more at ease and cen- tered. Thisissomethingyourbabypicksupon. Your relaxed state ultimately helps your angel to sleep better and to be less agitated during waking hours. So give yourself permission to get intimate again. Have sex on a regular basis. After all, it’s for the greater good of everyone involved. It’s good for your physical, mental, and emotional health and well-being—all of which help to main- tain a great family life.

Unfortunately, as mentioned, the lack of information and discourse on the subjects of postbirth vaginal healing in the new mom and libido recovery in both partners may drive a wedge be- tween lovers, compounding issues. Most of the individuals we

What’s Going on with Your Partner

A common complaint of new mothers is that their male partner doesn’t seem to desire them anymore. A man may comment to his partner that he finds it hard to see her as a sex object now that she’s the mother of his child(ren). Ask your partner if this has be- come an issue and how you can make sure that it isn’t one. Then be sure to suggest ways your lover can support you in your efforts to step up. Furthermore, be aware that new fathers want their lovers to be sensitive to the additional stress they’re experiencing. It can be difficult to feel excluded from things like breastfeeding. New dads, too, need to feel desired by the mother of their child, yet they are often hesitant to communicate their needs and are afraid of harming her during penetrative sex.

for hot mamas

spoke with said that they had not discussed postpartum sex plans with their partners, for reasons rangingfromafearofjinxingthe pregnancy by thinking too far ahead, to an understanding that the birthing process itself can affect how soon couples get back into the saddle. Know that it is important for couples to touch baseonthepostpartumsexissue—andthesooner thebetter. With your partner, address your expectations, wants, fears, desires. Couples who don’t have a heart-to-heart about such matters risk a breakdown in communication, resulting in an even greater fear

of talking about these difficult topics and, ultimately, in a sense of isolation. You’ve already got enough on your plate; don’t add a failure to communicate with your lover about postpartum sex to the list.

A study involving sixty first-time parents, all heterosexual, found that while these couples rated their relationship as highly harmonious during sex, there was a signifi ant decline in mari- tal satisfaction by the time the child turned one. Men were con- cerned about issues surrounding finances, leisure activities, and relations with family and friends, all of which became stressors in the love relationship. Wives wanted a lot more attention from their husbands than the guys were giving. The family climate had changed in the last year for both moms and dads, with increased distance between mates and a decreased experience of closeness for husbands. If the decision to have a baby had not been mutually agreed upon, or if one spouse had considered separation earlier, an even lower level of marital satisfaction was reported.

These sorts of statistics are fairly common (see the last section of the chapter). It’s good for couples to be aware of them so that they can see how some conscious attention to their relationship can help prevent the gradual drifting apart. At the same time, don’t let worry over your partnership infect your home life. Have compassion for yourselves as partners and as new parents.

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I Want My Vagina Back!
The mere thought of getting back into the saddle after childbirth canprovoketerrorintheheartofawoman.
You wanna put that thing

where?
Depending on your birth experience, your vaginal open- ing may be too tender to even think about touching it for several days or weeks afterward. Sex may be the farthest thing from your mind. Or, worse still, the thought of being a kinky Hot Mama in the sack may haunt your every waking moment.

The postbirth vagina is a great mystery to most men and

women.
Will it go back to normal? Will I ever feel anything there again? Will it hurt? Is it stretched out forever? What can I do to get it back into shape?
Your partner may also be very concerned about the condi- tionofyourvaginaandaboutnotwanting to hurtyou. Frequently, the partners of new mothers are scared to even broach the subject for fear of seeming critical, or of causing unnecessary self-con- sciousness. They may secretly be unable to get the subject out of their mind and may bring it into your sex life if you do not touch on it first. So let’s talk about that postbirth vagina.

As we’ve repeatedly stated, PC exercises are vital to the tone and recovery of your vagina after childbirth. (Women who’ve un- dergone cesarean sections will also benefit during recovery from the extramuscle tone providedby PCexercises.) If youhavefaith- fully executed your exercises throughout your pregnancy, you re- ally have little to worry about. Even small women with large babies recover brilliantly with a little extra care. Your vagina may actu- ally be tighter than it was before the baby arrived, given that in- creased muscle tone and time off from sex contribute to a tighter fit. (Thiswasthecasefor Danielle. Seeherstory later in thechap- ter.) Continuing your Kegel routine and strengthening your

lower abdomen are keys to restoring your sex life to prebaby qual- ity, even if the quantity has fallen off a little.

Vaginal strength aside, you may fear that having had an epi- siotomy incision or tearing will forever alter your nerve endings and pleasure zone. You may feel self-conscious about the appear- ance of your torn vagina and may actually grieve the loss of your “untainted” flower. On an emotional level, for many women, the first time they have sex after giving birth can be similar to los- ing their virginity. Your body is not the same as it was before you gavebirth. You experiencesexphysicallyandemotionallyasadif- ferent person, which can be exciting or scary, depending on any number of factors unique to every individual.

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What Happened to My Body?

Your body is obviously very different from what it was before you

became pregnant, so a fair amount of rediscovery is in order, for both you and your partner. You will want to explore yourself in private, especially as your belly slowly deflates like bread dough in thedaysfollowingdelivery. Thestrangestfeelingislikely to bethe initial shock of standing up for the first time sans baby as your organs do a dip. You will feel all sorts of movement in the intes- tinal region as things begin to drop back into place, most mark- edly on your first encounter with gravity. You mustn’t allow the dough belly to make you feel less than sexy. Your tummy will be taut again in a few days. Think about the nine months it took to stretch yourbelly to that size in the first place, andallowyourselfa couple days before worrying about flatter abs.

Understandingandacceptingwhat is goingonwithyourbody without desexualizing yourself is very important to reestablish- ingaphysicalrelationship withyourselfandyourpartner. It is the rare couple who reports having no sexual problems after child- birth.

• The Hot Mama Hiatus
  

  Many women find themselves longing for affection from their
  

  lover within the first few weeks after giving birth. Others take more time. This is often directly related to the trauma or ease of the birth experience. “If you had an episiotomy, cesarean section, or other surgical procedure,” says Dr. Meulenberg, “you may be on ‘no sex’ doctor’s orders for longer than the six weeks recom- mended by most OB-GYNs and midwives.” The bottom line is to do it when you’re comfortable. There’s no one right answer. If you’re not ready, you’re not ready, and that’s okay.
  

  Many people experience a mini identity crisis after the birth of a child, based on the concept of being a mommy or a daddy. Joining a new social rank is strange, wonderful, and frightening. You will never again be single and unattached! Your life of being responsible for only you is over. This can have sexual repercus- sions if you’re not ready for it. In the meantime, make sure you and your partner plan for some serious cuddle time, with lots of hugging, kissing, and massaging. The same endorphins released during orgasm can be released in smaller doses by simple acts of affectionate touch. Don’t deny yourselves any of nature’s finest mood elevators. It’s free and fun, so what have you got to lose?
  

  Don’t despair if after you’ve given birth your sex life isn’t what it once was. Many postpartum women report a decline in sex- ual interest, libido, or desire. Universally, they will tell you that at one time or another they were too exhausted or weak to even think about getting turned on. “I wasn’t even remotely interested in genital touch until about the fourth week,” says thirty-eight- year-old Hot Mama Tammie, from California. “All of my energy went into the baby, no apologies.”
  

  Literature on the subject suggests that there are seven key fac- tors involvedindecreasedfrequencyofsexualintercourseandre- duced levels of desire and sexual satisfaction after childbirth:
  

  1. adjustment to changes in the mother’s social role
     
  2. mood
     
  3. fatigue
     
  4. marital/relationship satisfaction
     
  5. breastfeeding
     
  6. physical changes associated with the birth of the child
     
  7. hormonal fluctuation