A Hopeful Heart (20 page)

“Go on. I’m listening and I’m not judging you, Hannah. Remember, I’m your
freind
no matter what.”

“I called Trey, and I spent the day with him.”

Ruth’s eyebrows careened toward her hairline. “You called Mr. Peterson and spent the
day with him?”

Hannah nodded.

“What did you do with him?”

“We went to his church service. We then went to lunch and visited a property he’s
buying.” Hannah gnawed her lower lip and hoped that Ruth wouldn’t be disappointed
in her.

“Hannah, do you realize what might happen if word gets around to the bishop?”

“I thought you were listening without judging me.” Hannah frowned. “I know I can be
shunned, but I also realized something else today.”

“What did you realize?”

“I’m in love with him.”

Ruth gasped. “You can’t be serious. You hardly know him. How can you possibly make
a relationship work? The only way it would work would be if he joined the Amish church
or you left it.”

“I know.” Hannah rubbed her temple where a migraine was brewing. “I’ve mulled this
over again and again. It doesn’t make sense at all. I don’t understand why God would
bring our paths together if there’s no way for it to work.”

“Do you think he wants to be Amish?”

Hannah shook her head. “I can’t see him converting.”

Ruth’s eyes were wide once again. “Are you thinking of leaving the faith?”

“No, I don’t think so.” Her voice was tentative.

“You don’t think so?” Ruth’s eyes narrowed. “That sounds to me like you’re not certain.”

Hannah’s shoulders drooped. “I know. I’ve been thinking about this all day, and my
stomach is in knots. I can’t imagine leaving this community. This is my home, and
it’s the only life I thought I’d ever want. My heart is here.”

“Your decision to leave won’t only affect you. Hannah, if you left the faith, what
would happen to your
kinner
? What if they don’t want to leave the faith?”

“I know. The decision to leave would mean I would force my
kinner
to also leave, possibly against their will. But this is about more than just leaving
the only community I’ve ever known. I wouldn’t be able to do business with anyone
who is Amish. That means I also would have to move out of
mei haus
because I can’t rent a home or buy a home from anyone who is Amish. And I’d have
to sell my part of the horse farm since Joshua wouldn’t be allowed to do business
with me anymore. I know I can’t support myself well with only the salary from the
hotel.” She rubbed her temple again. “It’s all so overwhelming, but I can’t deny how
I feel about Trey. I just don’t know what to do. I feel like I’m standing at a great
crossroads. The decision I make now will affect my life and
mei kinner’s
lives forever.”

Ruth nodded slowly. “You’re right. That means you need to choose wisely and not make
your decision in haste.”

“I know.” Hannah wanted to ask Ruth what she should do, but she knew this had to be
her decision. Only she could decide
what was best for her and her children, and she prayed that God would make the right
decision obvious to her.

Trey answered his phone on the second ring while driving back to the hotel after supper
that evening. “Hello?”

“Trey!” Christy’s voice sang through the phone. “You left me a message last week,
and I’ve been meaning to call you back. It’s been crazy here. How are you?”

“I’m doing fine, thanks. I was actually going to give you one more day and then call
you again.”

“I’m so sorry. What’s new? How’s your Amish friend?”

“Funny you should ask.” Trey motored through an intersection while he spoke. “I spent
today with her.”

“You spent the day with her?” Christy’s voice raised an octave. “How did you manage
that? As I said before, I always thought the Amish kept to themselves.”

“You’re right. They normally do keep to themselves, but she called me this morning.
I picked her up and we went to my church and then we had lunch together.” He smiled
while he thought of her beautiful smile as she sat across from him at the sandwich
shop.

“Did you say she went to your church?”

“Yes, I did. It’s a nice little community church located in Paradise. You’d love it.
Hannah said she liked the service too. I was really surprised.” He contemplated how
nice it had been to have her next to him in the pew. He’d like to enjoy that feeling
every Sunday if he could. He stopped at a stoplight and rested his free hand on the
steering wheel. “We had a really nice time.”

“Wait a minute. From the sound of your voice, you seem to really like her. I mean
really
like her.”

“Yes, I do really like her. I more than like her. I think I’m in love with her.”

“Trey.” Christy clicked her tongue. “Have you lost your mind?”

“Yes, that’s definitely a possibility.”

“I hope you realize you can’t have a relationship with her unless you become Amish
or she stops being Amish.”

“I know.” The light turned green and he gripped the wheel as he accelerated. “I’m
playing with fire. I feel like I’m living out the story of Romeo and Juliet.”

“That’s exactly what I was thinking. What are you going to do?”

He shrugged as if his sister could see him through the phone. “I have no idea. I guess
I’ll just enjoy what time I have with her. What else can I do?”

“You can put a stop to this before you find yourself with a broken heart.” She sighed.
“I know you suffered after losing Corinne and Sammi, but I hate to see you torture
yourself this way. You’re very vulnerable.”

Trey glowered. “I’m not as vulnerable as you think, Christy. These feelings are real,
and I think she feels the same way about me. Remember, I told you she called me. I
didn’t call her.”

“I understand, but I’m worried about you.”

“Thanks for worrying about me, but I’m a big boy. I can handle myself.” He didn’t
want to be treated like a child. “You need to hear about the place I found. I put
an offer on it.” He told her about the farm, describing the house and the property
in great detail.

“That sounds perfect. I’d love to come see it.”

“That would be great.” He asked about her children, and she shared how busy they were
with school and extracurricular activities.

“I better let you go. I have to get the kids ready for bed. It was nice talking to
you.” She paused for a moment. “I know you don’t want to hear it, but I think you’re
going to wind up hurt if you get involved with this Amish woman. She’s bound by rules
we don’t live by. I wish you’d stop seeing her. You’re going to get hurt, and I don’t
think you need more heartache right now.”

“I think it’s my decision if I want to face more heartache.” Trey steered through
another intersection. “I’m tired of being alone, and I enjoy Hannah’s company.”

“You can find another woman to spend your time with. What about joining one of those
online dating services? One of my divorced friends found a really nice man through
one of those sites. Or maybe you’ll meet someone through your church. There are plenty
of nice women out there who don’t have the complications Hannah has.”

Trey shook his head. Christy just didn’t understand, but he knew he’d never convince
her to look at the situation from his point of view. Once his sister made up her mind,
there was no use trying to change it. “Fine. I’ll try to meet someone at church.”

“You’re humoring me, aren’t you?”

“Not at all.” He couldn’t help his smile.

“Look, I’m just worried about you.” A flurry of activity sounded behind her. “Oh,
I need to go. Sabrina needs me to help her study for a math test. We’ll talk soon,
okay?”

“That would be great. Tell Sabrina I hope she does well on her test tomorrow. Good
night.” He hung up and then steered into the hotel parking lot.

He nosed his car into a space near the back. He strode toward the front door while
thinking about Christy’s warning. He knew in his heart that she was right; the relationship
was too complicated to work out. His gut tightened with sorrow and dread.

Yet he also knew he loved Hannah too much to just give up. He would keep the door
open for Hannah and let her guide their future.

Trey would also keep praying and asking God for a chance to build a relationship with
her. If he could just have a chance, he’d do his best to make her happy and possibly
even build a life with her.

M
onday evening, Josh wiped his brow and glanced up at the ominous storm clouds gathering
in the sky while he stood in the pasture. He’d hoped to finish repairing the fence
in his parents’ pasture before the storm hit, but he was quickly running out of time
as thunder rumbled in the distance.

He picked up another nail and then retrieved the hammer from the post. While he drove
another nail into the loose plank, his thoughts returned to Hannah. He’d been contemplating
their last conversation when he’d opened his heart to her and told her he wanted to
marry her. He’d all but thrown any caution to the wind and asked for her hand in marriage,
and he thought he’d possibly convinced her since she said she’d think about it. Yet
when she didn’t come along to his parents’ house with her children on Sunday, he realized
he hadn’t gotten any closer to having her as his wife.

He worried that she was actually going to leave the church for that
Englisher.
He had to convince her to stay. He couldn’t bear the thought of her leaving. He didn’t
want to lose her or the children. He wanted them to be a family.

Josh shared his worries with the church district’s deacon, Jonas Chupp, and one of
the district’s ministers, Melvin Bender, when they came to visit his parents yesterday,
and now he worried that he shouldn’t have told them. They probably went straight to
the bishop. He knew he couldn’t bully her into staying in the community and marrying
him. He had to prove his love to her. He thought that giving her the spool holder
was a way to show his love, but that hadn’t worked either. He was at a loss as to
how to get her to marry him.

He drove another nail into the post, hoping to relieve some of the tension and frustration
gripping his shoulders and neck. He didn’t know how to get through to Hannah. How
could he convince her that he’d be a good husband and father? Why didn’t she want
them to be a family?

“Joshua?” His father approached him from behind. “Do you hear that thunder? You should
come in before the storm hits. Don’t forget that
bu
who was hit by lightning while working in the field last year.”

“
Ya
, I know.” Josh hammered one more nail and wiped his brow again. “I was hoping to
finish this.”

“You can finish it later.” His father eyed him. “You’ve been awfully tense for the
past couple of days.
Was iss letz?
”

Josh leaned against the post as another clap of thunder sounded. “I’ve been wondering
what I’m doing wrong with Hannah.”

“What do you mean?”

“I’ve been trying to convince her that I want to take care of her and the
kinner.
” He folded his arms over his chest. “I love them all, and I feel like it’s my duty
to be there for them since Gideon’s gone. We already handle the farm together, so
it just makes sense that we’re a family.”

Eli studied him a moment. “Are you saying you love her?”

“Oh
ya.
” Josh nodded. “I’m crazy about her,
Dat.
”

“Do you think she loves you too?”

Josh shrugged. “I don’t know. We’re close
freinden
, and we get along well. I’ve told her I care deeply about her. In fact, I finally
came out and told her I love her, and I’m certain our relationship could develop into
a loving marriage.”

“Have you asked her to marry you?”

Josh shrugged. “I’ve mentioned it.”

“But have you asked her the direct question?”

“Well, I haven’t officially asked her. I’ve talked about how I think we should get
married.” Another clap of thunder sounded, and Josh picked up the nails and hammer.

“So you haven’t really asked her.”
Dat
gestured with his hands. “You haven’t asked the direct question.”

Josh shook his head. “No, I haven’t officially said, ‘Will you marry me?’“

Dat
smiled. “She needs to hear the question, Joshua. You can talk about marriage until
you run out of words, but it won’t become reality until you ask her. You have to say,
‘Hannah, will you marry me?’ You can’t dance around a subject as serious as that one.”

The thunder boomed, and Josh nodded. “I’ll ask her.” His stomach tightened at the
thought of saying the question out loud and having Hannah finally say the magical
word—
yes
.

“We’d better get inside.”
Dat
gestured toward the barn, and Josh followed him while he contemplated when he would
ask Hannah the question. He couldn’t wait. He’d go see her today, and then they could
finally choose a wedding date.

A rumble of thunder sounded in the distance while Hannah worked to patch the holes
in the knees of a pair of Andrew’s work trousers. She looked at the spool holder on
the desk and wondered if Joshua was working outside. He’d told her he planned to fix
the fence in his parents’ pasture before it got dark. She hoped he came in before
the storm hit.

Hannah glanced out the window of the sewing room to observe the approaching storm,
and she spotted a horse and buggy moving up the rock driveway.

“I wonder who that could be.” Hannah peered out the window and saw Jonas Chupp and
Melvin Bender climbing from the buggy. She grimaced, knowing the only reason they
would visit would be if there was a concern with her family. She imagined it had to
do with the rumors circling about her relationship with Trey.

Hannah checked her reflection in the mirror hanging above the mountain of material
teetering on the desk next to her sewing machine. She smoothed her hands over her
apron and touched her prayer covering before hurrying down the stairs to the kitchen.
She opened the back door just as Jonas and Melvin reached the porch.

“Wie
geht’s?
” Hannah forced a smile as lightning streaked across the dark sky above her. “Please
come in.”

“
Danki.
” Melvin removed his hat as he stepped into the mudroom.

“Good to see you, Hannah.” Jonas followed the minister into the kitchen.

She fiddled with her apron as she stood in front of them. “May I offer you a glass
of meadow tea and some
kichlin
?”

“Oh no,
danki.
” Jonas touched his beard.

Melvin folded his arms over his wide chest. “We won’t be here long.”

She pointed toward the table. “Let’s all have a seat.” She sat across from them and
folded her hands. “What brings you out here this evening?” She thought she heard a
squeaking sound from the stairs leading to the second floor, and she wondered if one
of her children was eavesdropping.

Jonas fingered his beard as thunder rumbled around them. His expression was soft and
devoid of accusation. “The bishop has expressed some concern regarding your relationship
with an
Englisher.
” He motioned toward the minister. “We talked about it earlier and thought it would
be best to come speak with you instead of waiting for you to come to us about it.”

Hannah’s stomach dropped. The deacon and minister were often sent when a member was
suspected of immoral behavior or if a member was planning to leave the church. She
opened her mouth to speak, but hesitated. She wasn’t certain what to say to these
men. Her mind raced with questions and worries. Did she need to confess her love for
Trey? She wasn’t certain if she wanted to leave the church or what she should share
with the two men watching her from across the table.

“There’s no reason for you to be
naerfich
, Hannah.” Melvin’s smile was tentative, and his words didn’t ease her worry. “We
want to know if you’re planning to leave the community.”

“I don’t know where you got the idea that I plan to leave the church. I didn’t tell
Elmer I was planning on leaving.” Hannah folded her clammy hands on the table. “I
only told him I agreed I should discontinue my relationship with
mei English freind
, Mr. Peterson, because I want
mei dochder
to have a chance to be teacher. I was tired of the rumors that were
floating around about me, and I want my family to be treated fairly.”

Melvin held up his hands as if to calm her. “We’re not here to chide you, and we don’t
plan to feed any rumors. Some discussions have been brought to our attention, however,
and, after also hearing from the bishop about his concern, we felt we should be proactive
and talk to you.”

Frustration coursed through Hannah. Who was talking about her behind her back? “What
discussions are you referring to? I haven’t had any other discussions about my friendship
with Mr. Peterson. I visited Elmer on Wednesday, and Elizabeth Beiler spoke with Lillian
on Thursday about applying for the teaching position.”

The two men shared a glance.

Jonas shifted in the chair. “There has been talk that the
Englisher
is very special to you and may be more than your
freind.
”

She looked between the men and wondered what they were hiding. “Who told you that?”

“I don’t think I’m at liberty to share my source’s name.” Melvin’s smile was apologetic.

“I think I have a right to know who’s been talking about me. I’d like to set that
person straight.” Hannah hoped she sounded more confident than she felt.

Jonas sat up straighter in the chair as if he were taking control of the meeting.
“If you’re planning on leaving, then we should set up a meeting with the baptized
members of the congregation.”

“I never said I was leaving. I love this community. Leaving it would break my heart.”
Hannah looked at each of them. “Who told you I was going to leave the church? Was
it Barbie?”

The men shook their heads.

“But if it wasn’t Barbie …” Hannah gasped when she realized who could’ve been talking
about her. “It was Joshua, wasn’t it?”

Both men averted their eyes.

Hannah shook her head while thoughts spun through her mind.
I should’ve known it was Joshua and not Barbie. He’s always loved me, and he said
he wanted to be with me after Gideon died. Of course he would report my relationship
to the minister and the deacon. He’s jealous!

Melvin cleared his throat. “As Jonas was saying, if you are leaving, and you’d like
us to set up a meeting with the baptized members of the church, we can do it this
Sunday. That way you can tell them you plan on leaving. Of course, you won’t be able
to stay in this
haus
since you rent it from your in-laws. You won’t be able to do business with any Amish
families once you’re excommunicated.”

Hannah shook her head. “No, I don’t need you to set up a meeting. I told you, I’m
not planning to leave the church.”

Melvin nodded, and his expression softened. “I’m glad to hear that. We’ve been concerned
about you. You know what a huge decision it is to leave the church. Just think of
your
kinner
, Hannah. It would be difficult for them if you did leave the community. And it would
break the hearts of all of our members. We don’t want you to leave. You should really
think through this relationship with the
Englisher.
It’s in your best interest to stay in this community. You’ve been Amish since you
were a child. Why would you want to leave?”

“He’s right that we’ve both been worried about you. We only want the best for your
family. We’re glad to hear that you’re not going to leave.” Jonas folded his hands
on the table. “It’s not my
place to judge, of course, but when I heard you were thinking of leaving, I thought
of Gideon. He was the head of your household, and we all know Gideon had a very strong
faith. He would be very upset if he knew you were considering taking your
kinner
away from the church.”

“You’re right. Gideon would be upset if I took our
kinner
away from the church.” Hannah shook her head. “But I never said I was leaving, so
you don’t have anything to worry about.” She wasn’t sure what she wanted. She knew
one thing for certain—she wanted everyone, including Joshua, Jonas, Melvin, and Barbie,
to stop making assumptions about her and her future.

Jonas smiled. “I’m
froh
to hear we don’t need to set up that congregational meeting for you.”

“I’m
froh
too.” Hannah stood as frustrated thoughts rushed through her mind.
I’m not certain what’s in store for me right now. But I do know I want the community
to stop making decisions for me before I’ve had a chance to make them for myself.
She walked toward the door. “
Danki
for coming by. Please tell your wives I said hello.”

The two men made their way to the door.

“
Gut
nacht.
” Jonas grabbed his hat from the peg on the wall in the mudroom.

Melvin nodded as he took his hat and followed him out the back door into the rain.

“Be careful on the way home.” Hannah watched them jog through the rain to the waiting
buggy. She shook her head. Why would they ask her if she was leaving the community
if she hadn’t expressed the desire to leave? And why did it seem as though Jonas and
Melvin had a hard time believing her when she said she had no plans to leave? Hannah
wondered if Joshua realized something she didn’t. Perhaps he could sense her restlessness
before she could. Maybe she did want to leave, but she hadn’t admitted it to herself
yet.

A streak of lighting lit up the sky followed by a clap of thunder.

“
Mamm?
”

Hannah looked back and found Lillian glaring at her from the doorway to the kitchen.
“Lily? How long have you been standing there?”

Lillian’s lip quivered. “I heard everything,
Mamm.
”

“What do you mean?” Hannah took a step toward her, and Lillian stepped backward. “What
did you hear?”

“Everything.” Lillian shook her head. “You want to leave the church and that means
we have to move out of our
haus.
” She gestured around the room. “Where will we live? How can I be the teacher if I
don’t have a place to live? If you leave the faith for that
Englisher
, then I’m going to live with
Mammi.
I want to be Amish, and I want to be a teacher. I want to get baptized. I have goals
for my life, and none of them involve being
English.
You can’t ruin this for me,
Mamm.
It’s not fair!”