A Hopeful Heart (23 page)

He followed the older woman into a break room that included a table, countertops,
sink, refrigerator, and microwave.

She closed the door behind him. “Hannah decided to use her vacation time for the rest
of the week.”

Trey studied the older woman and tried to comprehend her words. “You mean she took
the rest of the week off and won’t be at the hotel at all?”

Ruth nodded. “That’s right.”

Worry gripped him. “Did she say why she needs the rest of the week off?”

She shrugged. “I didn’t talk to her. She called our supervisor.”

Trey wondered if Hannah wanted to be away from him so she could think. Or perhaps
she needed her distance to let him
down gently, without facing him, when she told him that she didn’t want to be with
him.

“You seem upset.” Ruth’s eyes were filled with concern. “Is there anything I can do
to help you?”

“Yes.” Trey tunneled his fingers through his hair while he debated what to do. He
needed to respect her request to give her time alone, but he didn’t want her to forget
he cared about her. “Would you please get a message to Hannah?”

“I’d be glad to.”

“Please tell her something. Tell her to remember that no matter what she decides,
she has my heart.”

Ruth nodded. “I’ll tell her.”

“Thank you.” Trey watched Ruth leave the room, and he prayed the message would help
Hannah make her decision.

Hannah sat on the porch Wednesday evening and sipped a warm cup of tea while listening
to the crickets sing. She’d spent most of the day contemplating Trey’s marriage proposal
and wondering how she could make a life outside of the community she’d known her whole
life. How would she know if she belonged in the
English
world?

Most of all, she struggled with her dual roles as a mother and as a woman. She knew
her job as a mother was to nurture and protect her children. Yet she also felt the
tug of a woman in love with a man who offered her the chance at a new life. Whenever
she considered telling Trey yes, however, she felt the tug of her children pulling
her back to her old life, the life of working at the hotel and running the horse farm
without the joy of a soul mate.

The back door opened with a squeak, and Amanda stepped out onto the porch. “
Mamm
, I didn’t know you were out here.”

“Have a seat.” Hannah patted the swing beside her. “I was just enjoying the sound
of the crickets.”

Amanda sank into the swing. “I was looking for you.”

“Oh.” Hannah pushed the swing, and it moved back and forth. “What did you need?”

“I just wanted to see how you are. You’ve been quiet.” Amanda looked up at her mother.
“Is something on your mind?”

Hannah frowned. She couldn’t possibly tell Amanda what was on her mind without also
telling Lillian, and she wasn’t ready to share the news with both of them. “I’ve just
been thinking about a lot of things.” She touched Amanda’s arm. “How was your day?”

“It was
gut.
Nancy isn’t talking much, but it’s okay.” She settled back in the swing. “She wasn’t
as cold to me today as she has been since we argued. Maybe she’s coming around to
accepting my decision.”

“That’s
gut
news.” Hannah sipped her coffee. “You know, if you want that GED book, I’ll give
you the money for it.”

“You will?” Amanda’s eyes widened.

“Of course I will. I just want you to be
froh.
You can pick it up on your way home tomorrow if you’d like.”

Amanda’s eyes narrowed. “You’re acting different. Is there a reason you took the rest
of the week off,
Mamm
?”

“I have a big decision to make, and I need time to think things through. Besides,
I haven’t had a vacation in a while.”

Amanda stared off toward the road. “Whatever you decide, I’ll stand by you.”

“Are you certain?”

“
Ya
, I am. If you can support me getting my GED, I can support whatever you decide about
Mr. Peterson.”

Hannah studied her daughter. Amanda’s continued support caused a surge of relief to
fill her. She wondered if this was the sign she needed to go forward with a decision
to choose Trey over Joshua.

T
he following morning, Hannah heard a knock and rushed to the door. She wondered who
could be dropping by to visit. Could it be Trey, even though she had told him she
needed time? She pulled the door open and found Ruth smiling while holding up a covered
dish.

“Ruth!” Hannah opened the door wide. “Please come in. What a nice surprise.”

“I hope you’re hungry. I brought cheese cupcakes.”

“
Ach!
” Hannah clapped. “My favorite.” She followed Ruth into the kitchen and gestured toward
the table. “Please have a seat. I just made fresh coffee. Would you like some?”

“That would be nice.”

Hannah brought plates, napkins, cream, sugar, and two cups of coffee to the table.
“How have you been?”

“
Gut.
” Ruth gave her a knowing smile. “The question is, how have
you
been?”

“I’m fine.” Hannah sat across from her. “I’m just enjoying a couple of days off. I
needed a break. We work so hard at the hotel.”

Ruth raised an eyebrow. “Is that truly why you’re not coming to work tomorrow?”

Hannah pointed toward the platter of cheese cupcakes. “May I try one of those cupcakes?
They smell
appeditlich.
”

“No, you may not. Not until you answer my question.” Ruth folded her hands and studied
Hannah. “Does your sudden vacation have to do with a certain
Englisher
?”

“How did you know?”

“He talked to me yesterday.”

Hannah hesitated a moment before asking, “What did he say to you?”

“He asked about you and told me to give you a message.”

Hannah’s heart fluttered. “What was the message?”

“He told me to tell you that no matter what you decide, you have his heart.”

Hannah nodded and cleared the lump swelling in her throat.

Ruth placed a cupcake on Hannah’s plate. “Hannah, please tell me what’s going on.
I’m very concerned about you, and I want to know the truth.”

Tears filled Hannah’s eyes, and she cleared her throat again. “Trey asked me to marry
him and help him run the bed and breakfast he plans to open in Paradise.”

“He did?” Ruth’s eyes were wide. “What did you say?”

“I told him I need time to think, which is why I took time off from work. I need to
think it all through and weigh my options. My heart breaks when I think of leaving
the community and all of the people I’ve loved and who have loved me since I was a
child. I can’t imagine walking away from the home where Gideon and I raised our children.
Yet I also keep thinking this new start may be what my heart has been craving since
Gideon left me alone.”

Ruth shook her head. “Hannah, are you certain your heart can’t heal here in the community?”

“I’ve wondered that myself. Joshua also proposed to me. He loves me and he adores
my
kinner.
He wants to keep running the business he and Gideon built.”

“What?” Ruth gasped. “Both Trey and Joshua proposed to you?”

Hannah nodded.

“What did you tell Joshua?”

“I told him I have to think about it. But I don’t love him.” Sadness and regret filled
Hannah’s soul. “I care about Joshua, but that’s not a feeling I can base a marriage
on.” She paused and considered how she felt about her options.

“If I married Joshua, it would only be a marriage of convenience on my part. I would
be trying to cling to the life I’ve always known.” She gestured toward the window.
“Part of me feels I belong here, but, at the same time, I never really loved this
horse farm the way Gideon did. I always enjoyed hosting dinners for
English
tourists when I was a girl. Running a bed and breakfast is a dream of mine too. I
love talking to the tourists and telling them about our community. It would be a nice
change and a fun new start. I feel very torn. It’s not an easy decision.” With her
tears temporarily stopped, she bit into the cupcake and savored the rich cheese flavor
while allowing Ruth to mull over her words.

“What do you want to do, Hannah? Where is your heart leading you?”

“In my heart, I want to marry Trey, but my life will change drastically if I do. I’m
not certain it’s fair to
mei kinner
to pull them away from the only life they’ve ever known.” Her eyes
filled with tears again as she thought of her daughter. “And Lily has threatened to
move in with Barbie if I leave the community. I don’t think I could live with that.
I know it would break Gideon’s heart if he saw our
dochder
move out. I don’t think I could live with hurting Lily
or
knowing Gideon would be so hurt if he were here.”

Ruth took Hannah’s hand in hers. “So, then don’t do it, Hannah. If it feels wrong,
then it is wrong. Stay in the community. Once you’re gone, you can only come back
if you confess in front of the congregation. Is that what you want to do?”

Hannah wiped her eyes and considered her thoughts. “My feelings are a jumbled mess.
My heart crumbles when I think of leaving the community, but at the same time, I keep
thinking everything has led me to Trey. He showed me the property he’s purchasing,
and I could see myself planting a garden, cooking for the guests, and giving tours
of the area. I could imagine Amanda and Andrew living in the little apartment and
helping me with the chores.”

Hannah managed to finish the cupcake and wiped her hands on a napkin. “When I’m with
Trey, I’m a whole person again. I could even see myself worshiping with him at his
church. It feels as if God is giving me a new chance, even though it’s not what I’d
imagined for myself. I thought I’d fall in love with an Amish man, possibly even a
widower. Sometimes during church I would look around the room and wonder if any of
the men there would be my future mate, but it never happened.”

“But you just told me Joshua wants to marry you. He’s the opportunity to rebuild your
family here in our community.” Ruth tapped the table. “Don’t you see Joshua as God’s
way to keep you here?”

“No, Ruth, I don’t.” Hannah wiped her cheeks with a crumpled napkin. “Joshua wants
to marry me, but I don’t think I could be
froh
with him. He told me I would learn to love him, but I don’t believe true love can
grow like that.”

Ruth shook her head as she took a cupcake from the dish. “I don’t agree. My parents
married as
freinden
and then fell in love after a few years. You may not love Joshua like that now, but
you could love him later. Think of how much easier that would be on your
kinner.
If you married Joshua, then Lily wouldn’t move out. You’d keep your family intact.
Isn’t that what Gideon would want?”

“I don’t know.” Fresh tears filled Hannah’s eyes. “I’m so confused. I don’t know what
to do.”

“If you’re that confused, then you shouldn’t do anything. Tell Trey you’re not ready.
Tell him that leaving your community is just too difficult.” Ruth frowned. “Tell him
that if he loved you, he would become Amish instead of making you leave the faith.”

“He’s not making me do anything. It’s all my choice, and he said he’ll wait as long
as he has to.” Hannah glanced around the kitchen and her lower lip quivered. “This
isn’t an easy decision. It’s a painful decision. I’ve cried so much that I’m surprised
I have any tears left.”

Ruth put down her uneaten cupcake and reached across the table to take Hannah’s hand
in hers again. “If it’s painful, then it may not be the right decision. You’ve never
wanted to leave the community before. I just don’t think this is right for you, Hannah.
You say you love Trey, but you have too much to lose.”

“I know I’ll lose Lillian.” A tear trickled down Hannah’s cheek, and she let go of
Ruth’s hand to swipe it away with the back of her hand.

“But you think your other
kinner
would support you?”

Hannah wiped away more tears. “I know Amanda would. Andrew said he’ll go with me,
but I think he’d have a hard time leaving the farm, especially his favorite horse.”

Ruth hesitated and then spoke her mind in love. “You need to take a step back and
think about how much this decision will hurt the people who love you.”

“I have. I’ve been considering how it will affect every aspect of my life.”

“I don’t think you realize how much you’ll hurt other people.” Ruth’s eyes glistened
with tears. “When Aaron left, he took a piece of my heart with him. I’ve already told
you that I miss him every day and some days are worse than others. I pray that the
hurt will get easier with time, but it doesn’t. In fact, the pain deepens every day
that passes without hearing my son’s voice. He’s been gone fifteen years, and the
wound is still fresh in my heart.”

“I’m so sorry.” Hannah shook her head. “Your pain must be unbearable, Ruth.”

“Some days it is unbearable.” Ruth swiped the back of her hands over her eyes. “Don’t
you see that you’ll inflict the same pain on your family if you leave?”

Hannah paused and considered Ruth’s words while guilt rained down on her. “I know
you’re right. I just feel so torn right now.”

Ruth leaned forward and folded her hands on the table. “What kind of message do you
feel God is sending you?”

Hannah shrugged. “I feel calm when I pray about it.”

“Do you mean, like God is blessing your relationship with Trey?”

Hannah nodded while wiping more tears. “
Ya
, that’s sort of how I feel. I can’t really put my finger on it.”

“I want to share a verse I read this morning during devotions. It’s from the book
of Hebrews. ‘Let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes
on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith.’“ Ruth’s expression was tentative but
comforting. “I don’t agree with your considering a decision to leave, but I think
this verse applies to you, Hannah. If you believe you belong with Trey, then you need
to accept the path God has put before you. You’ll handle all of the bumps in the road,
but you’ll handle them with faith in the Lord.”

Hannah couldn’t stop the tears from flowing from her eyes. “I love him, Ruth, and
I want to be with him, but I don’t know how to go about it. How do I walk away from
the life I’ve known since I was born?”

“Run with endurance. The Lord will lead you. Look to Jesus for the answers, and he
will provide them for you.” Ruth pushed the plate of cupcakes toward Hannah. “Have
another one.”

“
Danki
, Ruth. You’re a blessing to me.” Hannah picked up a cupcake and then wiped her eyes.
She knew the road ahead would be bumpy, but she’d keep her faith close.

Friday morning, Hannah brought a platter of fried potatoes to the table and set it
next to the platters of homemade bread, eggs, and bacon, along with a bowl of oatmeal.
She sat next to Andrew and across from her girls before bowing her head for the prayer.

Once the prayer was complete, Hannah began to fill her plate with potatoes, bacon,
and eggs, even though her appetite
was nonexistent. She’d endured another sleepless night of crying, praying, and worrying
about how she was going to tell her children that she had made the decision to leave
their Amish community.

Lillian bit into a piece of bacon and then looked at Hannah. “Are you going back to
work today,
Mamm
?”

Hannah shook her head and folded her hands on the table. “No, I’m not going back today.
I’m not certain about next week either.”

The twins shared surprised expressions.

“Did you get a new job,
Mamm
?” Andrew chewed a mouthful of bread.

“Andrew, chew your
brot
with your mouth closed.” Lillian wagged a finger at him. “
Mamm
, why aren’t you going back to work? Were you laid off?”

Andrew swallowed. “Were you fired?”

“No, I wasn’t fired or laid off. I think I’m going to take my life in another direction.”
Hannah paused for a moment. “I’ve made a decision.”

Lillian’s eyes widened. “
Ach
, no.”

“It was a very difficult decision, and I want you three to know I’ve prayed about
it and agonized over it for quite a while. I didn’t make this decision without weighing
all of my options and considering how it will affect you all.” She touched Lillian’s
hand and Andrew’s arm. “You three mean the most to me. You’re the most important people
in my life, and I would never do anything to hurt you intentionally.”

Tears trickled down Lillian’s cheeks, and Amanda nodded.

“What are you talking about?” Andrew scrunched his nose as he looked up at her. “You’re
confusing me,
Mamm.
”

“I’m sorry.” Hannah touched his nose. “I didn’t mean to confuse you. I’m talking about
our life. We’re going to have to live a little differently.”

“
Mamm
, just come out and say it.” Lillian’s voice quavered. “You’re leaving the church
and then you’re going to marry that
Englisher.
” She pushed her chair back and stood. “I can’t believe you’re doing this to me!”
She turned and ran from the kitchen, her footsteps echoing as she stomped up the stairs
and shouted. “I’m leaving. I’m going to
Mammi’s haus.
”

Amanda touched Hannah’s hand. “Go talk to her. I’ll talk to Andrew.”

Hannah sniffed as tears filled her eyes. “
Danki.
” She made her way upstairs and knocked on Lillian’s closed door. “Lillian, please
let me talk to you.”

“Just go away.”

Hannah pushed the door open and found Lillian tossing her clothes into a large tote
bag. “Lily, please stop packing. Please listen to me.”

“I know what you’re going to say.” Lillian glared at Hannah. “You love him, and you
can’t live without him. So you’re going to uproot all of us so you can live a new
life that excludes our family.”

“That’s not true.” Hannah sat in the chair next to the bed. “You know I love you and
your siblings, but I can’t go on pretending I don’t love Trey. This wasn’t what I
expected at all. I thought I’d stay here the rest of my life and marry another Amish
man or live alone after you and your siblings were grown and living your own lives.
This wasn’t part of my plan, but it seems like God has other plans for me.”