A Hopeful Heart (21 page)

“Just calm down. The last thing I want is for my family to be broken up into different
homes. You and your siblings are the most important people in my life and that will
never change.” Hannah reached for Lillian’s arm, but she pulled back. “I never said
I was going to leave the faith. Jonas and Melvin assumed that, but I never said it.”

“But they heard it from
Onkel
Josh. You told him you were going to leave!” Her voice was shrill as thunder shook
the house. “
Onkel
Josh loves you, but you told him you love someone else. Right? Isn’t that what happened?”
Tears splattered down Lillian’s pink cheeks.

“What?” Hannah shook her head. “Where did you hear that?”

“I heard
Onkel
Josh talking to someone yesterday at
Mammi’s.
He was really upset. He said he was worried you were going to leave the church. He
said
Dat’s
heart would be broken because you’d break up our family. He’s right, isn’t he? We’re
going to lose our
haus
and the farm.” Lillian sniffed.

Hannah shook her head. Why was Lillian overreacting? Why was Joshua going around making
assumptions and spreading gossip about her life? Why were things getting more and
more confusing? It was too much to take in. There was too much pressure. She felt
as if her head might explode from another migraine brewing in her temples.

“
Mamm!
” Lillian’s voice quaked. “Please answer me. Are we going to lose everything when
you marry Mr. Peterson?”

“Lily, please listen to me.” Hannah took Lillian’s hand in hers. “I never said I’m
going to leave the church or marry Trey. I love this community. This is my home. I
could never just walk away from everything I love. You’re jumping to conclusions,
just like everyone else in this community.”

“I know what I heard.” Lillian yanked her hand away and brushed away a tear from her
cheek. “And I’ve seen how you look at Mr. Peterson. He’s more than your
freind.
And what about Dat? How could you betray his memory like this?
Dat
wanted us to be Amish. He wanted us to live here.” She gestured around the house.
“This is the
haus Dat
chose for us. We’re his family. This is where we belong.”

“Lily, stop. You’re not listening to me. I would never hurt your
dat’s
memory.”

Lillian lifted her chin as her scowl deepened. “I think it’s
time you admit how you feel and be honest with us. We’re your
kinner.
We deserve to know the truth.”

Hannah leveled her eyes at Lillian as frustration boiled within her. “You’re right.
You’re my
dochder
, but you have no right to talk to me this way. I always tell you the truth.”

“Do you?” Lillian’s eyes narrowed. “Did you really stay home yesterday or did you
go out somewhere?”

Hannah studied her daughter. “What do you mean?”

“I saw new tire tracks in the driveway when we got home from
Mammi’s
yesterday. Andrew pointed them out to me.” Lillian gestured toward the window where
the rain pounded the glass. “I could tell someone had been here in a car. I know it
wasn’t a customer because the farm is closed on Sundays. Did Mr. Peterson come to
see you?”

“I don’t think that’s any of your business, Lillian.”

“You have been seeing him in secret.” Lillian shook her head. “
Onkel
Josh is right. We’re going to lose our farm and everything. Where will we live? How
will we make a living?”

“Lily, that’s ridiculous! I only went to church with Trey and had lunch with him.
That’s it. We’re
freinden.
I don’t understand why everyone is jumping to conclusions about all of this.”

“You’re betraying
Dat’s
memory by seeing that man.” Lillian shook her head. “It’s wrong to see him.”

“Stop fighting!” Amanda marched into the room with her hands up. “This is ridiculous!”

“I can’t just stand here and let
Mamm
disrespect D
at’s
memory by seeing Mr. Peterson.” Lillian’s voice rose over the rumbling thunder. “Our
family is falling apart. If
Dat
were still alive, everything would be normal. We’d be like every other
family in this community, and no one would be talking about us behind our backs.”

Hannah placed her hand on Lillian’s shoulder. “You just need to calm down. I’ve done
nothing wrong. We are allowed to have
English freinden.
”

“No,” Lillian said through gritted teeth. “I’m not overreacting. I’m only telling
the truth. I’m going upstairs.” She disappeared, and Hannah heard her feet stomp up
the stairs.

Amanda touched Hannah’s arm. “She’ll be okay. You know how she overreacts about everything,
and then she gets over it.”

Hannah studied her blond daughter. “Are you upset with me too?”

Amanda shook her head. “No, I’m okay.”

“Did you hear my conversation with Jonas and Melvin too?”

Amanda nodded. “
Ya
, I did. I hope you’re not upset that Lily and I eavesdropped.”

Hannah touched Amanda’s prayer covering. “No, I’m not.” She sighed. “I just don’t
know what to do. Sometimes I’m so confused about it all.”

“You’ll figure it out.” Amanda smiled. “You’re
mei mamm.
”

Hannah returned the smile. “I wish it were that easy.”

A knock sounded on the back door.

“I’ll get it.” Hannah started for the door. “Would you make sure your
bruder
is getting ready for bed?”

“
Ya.
” Amanda hurried up the stairs.

Hannah opened the back door and found Josh standing on her porch, his clothing, shoes,
and hat soaked by the driving rain. “Joshua! What are you doing here?”

He removed his hat and stepped into the mudroom. “I need to talk to you.”

Her heart lurched as she thought of her in-laws. “Is everything okay? Did something
happen to your parents?”

He shook his head. “They’re fine. As I said, I just need to talk to you.”

“Oh.” She thought of her conversation with Melvin and Jonas, and her stomach tightened.
Joshua was the catalyst for their visit, and now he was standing in front of her.
Perhaps he was here to apologize? She pointed toward the kitchen. “Do you want to
come in and sit down? I can get you a towel and make coffee.”

“No,
danki.
” He fingered his hat and cleared his throat, and she wondered why he seemed so nervous.
“I have something to ask you, and I think it’s time to just come out and say it.”

Hannah folded her arms over her bib apron and nodded. “Take your time.” She prepared
herself for his apology along with a confession.

“I’ve known you most of my life, Hannah.” His smile was tentative. “I’ve always admired
you, and it was difficult when you chose
mei bruder
over me.”

Hannah frowned and then opened her mouth to speak.

“Wait.” He held up his hand. “Please just give me a chance to finish.” He gripped
his hat and stared into her eyes. “Hannah, I’ve always loved you, and I’ve been trying
to show you just how much I love you. I think I’ve been going about it wrong. So,
I’m here to officially ask you to marry me.”

Hannah gasped.
Could this day get any more confusing?

“So, Hannah.” He took her hand in his. His skin was cold and wet from the rain. “Will
you marry me? Will you be my wife and build a life with me?”

Her eyes filled with tears as a myriad of emotions drenched
her. “Joshua, I don’t know what to say.” Her voice trembled. “This is so unexpected.”

“Please tell me you’ll at least consider it. I can’t bear your rejection.” His eyes
pleaded with her.

“Joshua, I’m confused.” She pulled her hand away and wiped her eyes. “Jonas Chupp
and Melvin Bender were just here to see me.”

Josh’s hopeful expression fell as all of the color drained from his complexion. “Hannah,
I’m so sorry. I should never have talked to them.”

“I don’t understand why you did.” Hannah shook her head as frustration bubbled through
her. “Did you really think you could come here and propose to me after you told Jonas
and Melvin that I’m going to leave the community and marry an
Englisher
?”

Josh shook his head. “I’m so sorry, Hannah. I was wrong. I wasn’t thinking at all.”

“Why did you tell them, Joshua? I don’t understand.”

“I thought maybe Jonas and Melvin would talk some sense into you.” Josh gestured as
if grasping for an explanation. “I hoped they would make you see that you belong here
with the people who love you, including me.”

Hannah blew out a breath and tried to sort through her perplexing feelings. She didn’t
know where she belonged. Should she be with Joshua and continue living the life she
knew? Or should she consider a life with Trey, the man she loved, and risk losing
Lillian?

“Hannah?” His eyes were hopeful. “Would you please forgive me for talking to Jonas
and Melvin? I know it was a mistake, a huge mistake, and I’m so sorry. I never meant
to hurt you.”

She nodded. “I know, Joshua. I know you would never knowingly hurt me.”

“So, what’s your answer? Will you marry me, Hannah? I’ll give you everything I have.
I’ll do my best to build a
gut
life for us and the
kinner.
I’ll love you with my whole heart. Please, Hannah. Just give me a chance. You won’t
regret it.”

The sincerity and desperation in Joshua’s eyes tugged at her heart strings. She couldn’t
tell him no, even though she wasn’t sure if she would ever say yes.

“Joshua, I’m really confused right now.” She pressed her hand to her throbbing temple.
“My head is pounding at the moment. Let me think about it, okay?”

“
Ya!
” His smile was electric, causing his face to glow with excitement. “Please think
about it. I’ll be anxiously awaiting your answer.” He slipped his hat onto his head
and started for the door. “I’ll see you tomorrow.” He disappeared through the back
door.

H
annah closed the door behind Joshua and then leaned back against the cool wood. The
evening’s events swirled around her like a tornado and her heart pounded against her
rib cage. She’d gone from telling the minister and deacon that she wasn’t going to
leave the community to arguing with her daughter, who threatened to move out. She
then received a marriage proposal from her brother-in-law. She found herself drowning
in all of the baffling emotions. Her pounding headache caused her stomach to sour.

Hannah needed her mind off her headache and the emotions battling within her. She
looked toward the counter and found where Lillian had started making a shopping list.
She rummaged through the cabinets, refrigerator, and freezer and tried her best to
concentrate on what she needed to buy during her next trip to the market. Her thoughts,
however, were focused only on Joshua’s proposal and Lillian’s threat to leave.

She leaned against the counter and cradled her pounding head with her hands. She couldn’t
help wondering if she should marry Joshua to save her family. The solution made sense.
After all, she and Joshua were close friends, and they ran a business
together. He loved her children, and they loved him. Yet she couldn’t see herself
happy with him. When she closed her eyes and imagined herself as Joshua’s wife, her
shoulders tightened. Her heart didn’t warm at the idea of living as his wife. There
was no spark, no attraction. He was only Joshua, her good friend. She wondered if
he was correct and she would eventually learn to love him for the sake of her children.
But how could she fall deeply in love with someone who didn’t warm her heart?

She pushed the frustrating thoughts away and stared down at her shopping list. The
sound of tires crunching on the rocks outside followed by headlights flashing on the
kitchen wall drew her attention toward the window. She looked out the window and spotted
Trey climbing from his car.

Her heart thumped in her chest as she rushed toward the back door and opened it.

“Good evening.” Trey stepped up onto the porch and smiled at her. He looked handsome
in a blue collared shirt and khaki trousers.

“Trey.” She rushed out to him and embraced him. “It’s so good to see you.” His arms
were strong and comforting. The embrace he returned was the perfect therapy for her
pounding headache and anxiety.

“It’s good to see you too.” He rested his cheek on her head while he held her. “How
are you?”

Hannah stepped back from his embrace and shook her head. “It’s been a stressful evening.”

Trey’s eyes regarded her with empathy. “I’m sorry. What happened?”

Hannah told him about her visit with the minister and deacon and then shared her argument
with Lillian. “I feel like everyone is
making my decisions for me. I’m tired of the pressure.” She lowered herself onto a
bench, and he sat beside her.

“I’m sorry for causing all of this stress in your life.” Trey sighed and shook his
head. “I had no idea things would be this bad for you.” He studied her. “Do the Amish
believe in chastising their members to convince them to follow their rules?”

“No, it’s not that. We believe in encouraging our members to follow the right path.
We live a simple life focused on God and family. If a member strays, we encourage
that member to come back to the fold. They’re only doing what they believe is right
for me.”

He frowned. “It seems more like bullying to me.”

“No, it’s not really bullying. Jonas and Melvin are trying to remind me of our beliefs.”
She sighed as she thought of Lillian. “I’m just so upset about Lily. I don’t want
to lose her.”

He covered her hand with his. “I don’t want you to lose her either, and I don’t want
to be the reason your family falls apart.”

“I know.” She leaned her head against his arm and felt the tension loosen in her shoulders
and neck. She wondered why it was so easy for her to relax and open up to Trey. She
could never share her feelings with Joshua as easily as she shared them with Trey.
She thought of Joshua’s proposal and almost told Trey about it. She felt, however,
that she should keep that conversation to herself for now.

“Maybe I should stay away if I’m causing too much stress for your family.” His voice
was unsure.

Hannah shook her head and looked up at his worried eyes. “No. I don’t want you to
stay away. I’ll figure this all out. I can’t give you up that easily.”

“Good.” He leaned down and kissed her head. “I’m glad to hear that.”

Hannah peered up at the sky and found that the rain had stopped and the clouds were
breaking up.

Hannah’s gaze cut to Trey. “Thank you for listening.”

Trey smiled. “I’m always happy to listen to you.”

“I never got to ask you why you came over tonight. Was this just an impromptu visit,
or did you have a purpose?”

“I actually got some good news today.” He angled his body toward her. “The house was
appraised Friday, and I finally found out the results. The bank was happy with the
appraisal. It looks like I’m going to close at the beginning of July.”

“Wow!” Hannah clapped her hands. “That’s wonderful. I’m so happy for you.”

“I thought about trying to reach you by phone, but then I decided I’d rather tell
you in person.” He shrugged. “Any reason to see you is a good reason, in my opinion.”

She smiled at him, and warmth filled her. “I enjoy seeing you in person too.”

“Would you like to take a ride out to see the house tomorrow? We didn’t get a chance
to walk the property. I’d love to show you the pond and maybe get your thoughts on
where I could put a garden.” He pointed toward her garden by the porch where vegetables
stretched up toward the sky. “It’s obvious you know a lot about gardening.”

“
Ya
, I’d like to see the house. Can you come get me around nine?”

“Absolutely. I’ll be here at nine.”

Hannah looked toward the door leading to the kitchen. “I better go check on my children.
Thank you again. I look forward to seeing you tomorrow.”

“I can’t wait either. Have a good night, Hannah.”

“You too.” Hannah stepped into the mudroom. She smiled as she remembered the warmth
of Trey’s arms. Being with Trey felt natural and right. She’d never experienced that
when she’d considered marrying Joshua. If Trey proposed to her, she would strongly
consider saying yes. But how could she fathom leaving the community she loved so much?
And, most importantly, how could she risk losing Lillian, her precious daughter?

Trey watched as Hannah walked toward the back door. She turned back and waved, and
his heart swelled with love for her. He lingered for a moment until she disappeared
into the house.

He climbed into his car and navigated toward the main road. He contemplated his conversation
with Hannah while he drove. Instead of going to the hotel, he absently steered into
the church parking lot as if a magnetic force were pulling him there. He made his
way into the empty sanctuary and sat in the front pew. He stared up at the cross while
all of the emotions from the day churned within him.

“Lord,” he whispered, while bowing his head and folding his hands together. “I’m so
confused. My love for Hannah feels pure, and I’m certain it is a gift from you. But
my love is wreaking havoc on her family and her life. Yet at the same time, Hannah
told me that she can’t give me up that easily. How can a gift so wonderful be wrong
if it came from you?” He paused and wiped a tear from his eye. “Please tell me what
I should do, Lord. Should I pursue my relationship with Hannah or walk away with a
broken heart? Please lead me on the correct path, Lord. I ask this in Jesus’ name.
Amen.”

Trey looked up and stared at the cross as calmness filled his heart. “Thank you,”
he whispered with a smile.

Andrew stared up at his mother as she leaned over his bed later that evening. “I heard
you and Lily arguing earlier.”

Mamm
frowned. “I’m sorry you had to hear that. Lily and I disagree about something, but
we’ll work it out. It’s nothing you have to worry about.”

Andrew thought about the argument and what he heard while he was hiding on the stairs.
“It has to do with Mr. Peterson, right?”

Mamm
sat on the edge of his bed and sighed. “
Ya
, it does.”

“Lily doesn’t want you to be
freinden
with him.”

She hesitated and then nodded. “
Ya
, that’s mostly the reason.”

“And Lily said she was going to move in with
Mammi
if you stay
freinden
with him.”

“
Ya
, that’s what she said.” Her eyes became shiny as tears filled them.

Andrew’s stomach twisted. He hated seeing
Mamm
cry. He couldn’t stand it when she was upset and he didn’t want to make her cry.
Seeing her cry would make him cry too. She seemed to be upset lately, and he assumed
it all had to do with her friendship with Mr. Peterson. Andrew didn’t want to make
his
mamm
cry like Lily did, so he was going to do his best to be
gut.

“I won’t leave you.” Andrew shook his head. “I won’t go with Lily if she leaves us.
I’ll stay right here with you.”

She rubbed his hand. “
Danki
, Andrew. That makes me
froh.
” Relief flooded him when she smiled.

He wanted her to keep smiling, so he tried to think of something positive to say to
make her happy. “I can be friends with Mr. Peterson too. He seems nice. He likes horses,
so I know I will get along with him. He had a horse that looked like Huckleberry,
which means we already have something in common.”

“That’s
gut
. Everything will be fine, so don’t worry about it.” She leaned down and kissed his
forehead. “It’s time to go to bed now. Don’t forget to say your prayers.
Ich liebe dich, mei liewe.
”

“I love you too,
Mamm.
” He rolled over and yawned. “
Gut
nacht.
”

Hannah gently closed Andrew’s door and heaved a deep sigh. She was thankful Andrew
wasn’t upset after the argument earlier. She worried he would feel caught in the middle
between her and Lillian.

She stepped into the hallway and crossed to her daughters’ room. She and Lillian hadn’t
talked since their argument. Although she couldn’t stand the silence between her and
her daughter, she wanted to give Lillian time to calm down. She hoped they could talk
tomorrow.

Amanda was sitting on the bed reading a book. “Are you reading one of Lily’s novels?”

Amanda looked up and panic crossed her face. “No, I was just looking at something.”
She placed the book on the bureau beside her. “Lily’s in the shower.”

“Oh,
gut.
That gives us a few minutes to talk. What’s that?” Hannah craned her neck in an attempt
to see what book her daughter had been perusing. “The
Veterinarian’s Manual
?” She
read the title aloud and then studied her daughter’s worried expression. “Why are
you reading that?”

Amanda’s eyes widened with worry. “Because I want to be a vet,” she whispered.

“You want to be a vet?” Hannah was stunned by the news. “I had no idea, Amanda.” She
sank into a chair by the bed. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

“I was afraid to. I’ve only told one person.” She cleared her throat.

“Who is that one person?”

Amanda hesitated.

Hannah folded her hands in her lap. “I’ll listen without judgment.”

“His name is Mike.” She grimaced. “He’s not Amish. He’s a
bu
who comes into the deli.”

Hannah nodded slowly. “And you’ve become
freinden
?”

“We have. He’s become a very
gut freind.
” She grabbed the book from the bureau and ran her fingers over the cover while she
spoke. “He’s leaving for college at the end of the summer. His uncle owns the bookstore
across from the deli, and Mike plans to work at the bookstore this summer. Mike wants
to be a doctor, and I told him about how I want to be a vet. I’ve always loved working
with the horses and the rest of the animals on our farm. That’s why I’ve become friends
with the vet who lives across the street from us. I want to talk to him about where
he went to college. I’d love to know what the classes are like.”

“Amanda, you could’ve told me this. I want to know about your hopes and dreams, and
I will never chastise you when you share them with me.” Hannah suddenly recalled a
brief
conversation she’d had with Amanda on Sunday. “Does this have something to do with
why you argued with Nancy?”

Amanda gnawed her lower lip. “
Ya
, it does. Mike and I talked one day outside while I was eating lunch, and I asked
him about college. He explained that I could go, but I would have to get my GED first.
He said I’d have to take a test to get my GED, and I would have to study a big book.
I went to the bookstore to see what the book looked like, and Nancy heard me ask the
bookstore owner about it.”

“And she was upset that you wanted to find out about the GED.” Hannah filled in the
blanks.

“
Ya.
” Amanda frowned. “She and I had a terrible argument, but she promised not to tell
her parents I’m thinking about getting my GED.”

“So you are thinking about it?”

Amanda hesitated.

“You know it’s your choice,
ya
?”

“Just like it’s your choice to be with Mr. Peterson.”

Hannah sighed. “
Ya
, you’re right, but my choice is much more complicated than yours. You’re not baptized,
Amanda. You can do whatever you’d like, no matter what Nancy—or even Lillian—says.
And I’ll always love you and be your
mamm
no matter what you choose.”

Amanda nodded. “
Danki.
I really like Mr. Peterson,
Mamm.
He’s so kind and thoughtful. I don’t blame you for being his friend.”

“
Danki.
” Hannah was so touched by her daughter’s support and understanding that tears filled
her eyes.