A Life That Fits (7 page)

So I spent the rest of the evening roaming
around and chatting up the populace of Toronto, eventually finding
myself in an impromptu learn-to-crochet class in a yarn store. The
owner was about to show someone else how to do it when I walked in,
and I said at once, "Can I try too?"

At first I had no idea what I was doing, but
then the starting chain began to come together. The other woman
grew frustrated and left fairly quickly, but I stayed for an hour,
meeting more and more women as they arrived for their regular
Monday 'knit night' and having a wonderful time. By the end, I'd
lost count of how many women I'd talked to and I had a good start
on a beautiful teal cotton scarf for spring and a deep love for a
hobby I'd never even considered trying. I'd had a friend in
university who knit, and Alex had carried on like it was the
weirdest 'old lady' hobby ever. He'd probably feel the same about
me crocheting, but he'd have to get used to it because I liked it.
For someone lacking in creativity like me, seeing the ball of yarn
gradually becoming an actual object and knowing I was the one
making that happen was fascinating.

When the store was about to close, I bought
enough yarn for my cotton scarf and more for a winter one and a few
more crochet hooks and a pattern book, and was heading for the
subway station when I realized I still needed to find another man
to talk to. I'd gone well over on the woman side, but I'd only
racked up four men.

I went to Starbucks, since talking to men on
the subway hadn't worked out so far, and bought myself a caramel
apple concoction I'd always wondered about. It was delicious, and I
sat sipping, lulled into a daze by the flavors, until I noticed a
man waiting for his drink and looking at me. He didn't seem to be
seeing me, though.

I drew up my courage and said, "Hi
there."

He blinked and his eyes focused on me. "Hi.
Sorry, was I staring?"

"I think you were looking through me."

He grimaced. "Probably. Sorry. Hey, can I ask
you something?"

I nodded, and he said, "If you were looking
to buy a pair of shoes online, would you prefer a site called
'Shoes Galore' or 'Exclusive Shoes'?"

I rested my elbows on the table and looked up
at him. "Depends. Do I want something cheap and cute or something
special?"

"Let's say something special."

"Then the second one. For sure. The first one
sounds like a discount place. 'Exclusive Shoes' makes me picture a
store with mostly empty floor space and a few gorgeous things on
display."

He nodded slowly. "It doesn't feel like maybe
they won't have what you want?"

"Maybe a little. But if they
do
have
it, I feel like it would be perfect."

The Starbucks worker handed over the man's
drink, and he thanked her then turned back to me. "And thank
you
. My business partner's been pushing for the first one,
but I was leaning toward the second myself but didn't quite know
why. I like your reasoning. My partner will too, and we'll make the
site look classy, like those stores you were talking about."

I smiled. "Sounds like a plan."

He set down his drink then pulled a business
card from his wallet, wrote on the back, and handed it to me. "We
expect to be running within the month. Email me at the address on
the back and I'll give you whatever pair of shoes you want."

"Thanks, but I didn't really do
anything."

He laughed. "You gave my newest business its
direction. Counts as 'something' to me. Have a good evening,
gorgeous."

And he was gone before I could do anything
but blush.

I finished my drink slowly, thinking. Back in
high school I'd been more sociable than Alex but over the years I'd
adapted to his homebody ways. Tonight had shown me I still liked
chatting with people, and I was good at it too.

Before I could change my mind, I pulled out
my phone and fired off an email to the bellydance class instructor
asking if I could join in on Friday. I'd loved those women's energy
and I wanted some for myself.

Back at work the next day, I realized my life
was splitting into two parts. Outside work, I was doing nearly
everything the opposite of how I usually did it. Sometimes it felt
strange, and I kept being slapped by how much I missed Alex, but
still I was enjoying learning about myself and what I liked and
wanted. If asked I'd have said I already knew all my preferences,
but I was constantly surprised by how many of 'my' preferences were
actually Alex's.

At work, though, my routines enveloped me
like a too-heavy blanket, both cozy and suffocating at once. But I
couldn't change everything at the office. The structures I'd set up
over the years worked, and ruffling them up just for the sake of it
made no sense.

I carried on with my same old tasks, watching
as I went to see if there were any little details that I could
change, until Gary arrived at my conference room. "Doing all right
in here?"

I looked up and nodded. "It's a little small
but it's fine."

"You're not that big yourself so I guess
you're in proportion to it."

He laughed. I hated jokes about my size but
forced a smile because he was my boss. The smile faded, though,
when he added, "I really like that jacket. Am I allowed to say it's
sexy?"

His tone said he wasn't really asking, and I
knew I wasn't supposed to answer. I was supposed to simper and say
thank you. But an unexpected anger zipped through me and I
answered. "Not really. And if you think it's too sexy for work I
won't wear it again."

He took a step backward as if I'd pushed him.
"I didn't say
too
sexy, I just... look, I'm sorry. I won't
bring up your clothes again. She said... I just thought..." He
shook his head. "It's a nice bright pink, that's all. Cheers up the
office."

I felt bad for making him uncomfortable, but
then calling my jacket sexy had made me uncomfortable so I figured
we were even. I made myself smile, though, not wanting bad feelings
between us. "Cheering up the office is a good thing, right? I'll
wear the jacket whenever it seems like the place needs some
cheering. Deal?"

His smile seemed as forced as mine had been.
"Deal."

He left, and I leaned back in my chair and
sighed. He wasn't being a slimeball, not really. He was just
complimenting me. Why had I felt such a strong need to shut him
down?

Past clothing discussions with Gary flashed
through my mind. The time he'd teased me about a skirt I'd bought
that turned out to be slightly see-through. I'd never worn it
again, not even with a slip, because I'd been sure he'd remember
and tease me again. The time a coworker had commented on how I
always wore high heels and Gary had said, "Plus it makes her calves
look great," after I'd explained that I felt too short otherwise.
Not to mention the silent ones, the many times I'd caught him
staring at my chest or felt his eyes on my behind as I walked
away.

I hadn't consciously thought of any of those
when he'd mentioned my jacket, but on some level they'd all come
together inside me.
That
was why I'd felt the anger, why I'd
had to shut him down. My intuition knew it was necessary.

I'd thought I
had
no intuition. Maybe
the reversing project was proving me wrong.

*****

"No mac and cheese today? I thought you loved
it."

I set my toasted club sandwich on the table
and sat down across from Tina. "I did. But I'm doing this..." Did I
want to tell her? I wasn't sure. "...thing."

"Okay," she said, her face solemn. "Whose
thing? Is he cute?"

It took me a second to realize what she'd
said, then we laughed. "Nobody's thing, trust me. It's a...
reversing project, I guess. I take the little things, and the big
ones too, in my life, and do them differently. I figure I need to
change myself and this seems like a good way."

I also hoped it would get me Alex back, but I
didn't want to say so and sound desperate. He'd been gone for
nearly a month and my pain had barely begun to heal. I still found
myself expecting to see him when I walked into the apartment, still
had to stop myself filtering every decision and action through how
he'd see the situation. I hated it but there it was. I'd gone
straight from my parents to Alex and I'd never been an adult in
charge of myself. I didn't even know how. All I knew was that I
needed to be my opposite and the reversing project seemed like my
only chance.

"And now I seem drawn to what I
need
to do. Talking to people who need help, responding differently to
comments, that sort of thing. I'm picking up on stuff I didn't see
before."

"That makes sense."

"It does? How?"

She shrugged. "It's all that law of
attraction stuff, isn't it? What you need comes to you when you
need it and you just have to take it."

That wasn't how I felt at all, but before I
could say so she said, "It's a neat idea. How'd you come up with
it?"

I told her about Bob the pizza delivery guy's
near-fatal heart attack, and she shivered. "Stuff like that's so
creepy. See? He could have asked any of his customers but he asked
the one person who'd know how to help. It's exactly the same
thing."

I nodded, and she said, "And I guess you
could probably use a fresh outlook on life, right? Given... recent
changes."

"Yup. So far it's been working pretty well.
I've tried a bunch of things I'd never tried before, talked to a
lot of people... but it's tiring too."

"You're trying to reverse everything,
right?"

"Mostly. I'm hardly going to go be a hooker
just because I've never done it before."

She laughed. "Yeah, probably not a great
plan. Have you thought about changing fewer things but making them
bigger ones?"

"Might work. The really big ones are tricky,
though. I mean, I wouldn't move to a new apartment just for the
sake of moving."

Tina went on but I was lost in my own mind,
surprised by what I'd said. I hadn't even thought of it, but I
could. I
could
move, not for the sake of moving but for my
own good. I could pick up and relocate my life, and it might be a
lot nicer than staying where Alex had dumped me, staying with all
those broken memories that made being at home at night painful.

"Right?"

I blinked. "Sorry, I was thinking about
moving. What did you say?"

"I said I couldn't stay in a place where I'd
been with an ex. So maybe we're on the same page there."

"Could be." I'd think about it later. "But
besides that, I don't think I have any big changes I could
make."

She picked up her drink, said, "New job?" and
took a sip.

I shook my head. "I'm happy." Except maybe
for Gary. But even he wasn't all that bad.

"But it's been years. Not wanting a change
yet?"

"Nope." I felt uncomfortably sure she wanted
my job, so I decided to be clear. "I'm happy. I'll probably tweak a
few little things, use green pens instead of blue or something, but
this is where I want to be." One area of constancy in an
ever-reversing life.

She smiled, not looking like she'd hoped I'd
march out of the coffee shop and quit on the spot. "Cool. I can see
why. I like the job too. So, listen. Can I join the reversing
project?"

"How could I stop you?"

She laughed. "Guess you couldn't. But I was
thinking we could do it together."

My immediate inclination was to say that'd be
great. I had to say that, didn't I? Where did I get the right not
to let her take part in it? "You know what? I'm not sure."

She looked surprised.

"Sorry, I don't mean to be rude. It's just,
it was just me from the start. Give me a second to think about
whether I want to keep it that way. You can do it yourself, of
course, but whether we do it together..."

She still looked surprised but she said,
"Hey, no worries. I need to grab a coffee. Want anything?"

I declined and she left, and I sat thinking.
Did I want to share it? I could have told her how embarrassed I was
by the subway jerk, and then also shared the fun of talking to the
couple with the fat leashed cat. The bad parts wouldn't seem so bad
when we laughed over them, and the good parts would be even better.
Plus, even with my occasional fears, which didn't seem to be based
on anything significant, that she wanted my job, I liked Tina and
it seemed that she liked me. We could become good friends by doing
this together. Other than Wendy, with whom I'd had a few coffees
and was gradually developing a bond, Tina was my only real friend
at the moment.

She returned and I said, "I'd love to do the
project with you if you'd still like to."

"For sure. So, are we going for reversing
absolutely everything? All the time?"

We talked it out for a few minutes and
eventually decided that wasn't sustainable. There were only so many
options for lunch at the coffee shop, for example, and while there
were lots of other options in Toronto we'd eventually have to
repeat. And the same went for all the other possible changes. But
we came up with another plan instead, a variation on the original
but still a challenge.

"Whenever you get an opportunity for
something you wouldn't ordinarily do, you have to do it. Big or
small, you have to. If it's different, a reversal, you have to go
after it."

I nodded. "No wimping out. We have to push
ourselves."

"Exactly. It's like a yoga class for the
soul. Lots of stretching."

I laughed. "I hope my soul's more flexible
than my hamstrings." I couldn't remember the last time I'd
stretched them, or exercised at all. I didn't need to lose weight
and I'd never found an activity I didn't hate. Maybe Friday's
bellydance class would break that streak but I doubted it. I
briefly considered inviting Tina to come with me, but two things
stopped me: I'd probably be terribly awkward, and she'd be a
million times sexier than me and I didn't want to see it.