A Life That Fits (8 page)

"I'm sure it is. So, what have you changed so
far?"

I began telling her about my adventures of
the night before, and we chatted and laughed until we were
interrupted by our coworker Dennis.

"Hey, Andrea, Tina. Can I join you?"

I pushed out a chair with my foot. "Of
course."

We made small talk for a minute or two, then
he got to what I'd expected. "So, what are you two doing this
Saturday night?"

I smiled at him. "Jamie's in another show, I
assume?"

He had the decency to blush. "I don't only
talk to you when it's show time, do I?"

"Sometimes you borrow a subway token," I
said, but grinned at him. "I'm only kidding. What's the show?"

He grimaced. "Cats. The apartment's full of
fake fur. Truly gruesome. But it's only twenty bucks and it'll be
good for a laugh, if nothing else. I know you never want to go to
the performances, but I thought I'd ask again. Why not, right?"

I actually
had
wanted to go, but Alex
hated musical theater. He was a classical guy to the core. I could
have gone to a performance alone but then I'd have had to face the
snarky comments afterward and it had never seemed worthwhile. This
was an easy reversal. "I'm there."

Dennis blinked. "Seriously?"

"Me too." Tina flashed him a bright
smile.

"Great. So, two seats then?"

"Yup, we're both single girls." Her emphasis
on 'single' hurt, but I doubted she'd meant to point out my loss of
Alex.

Dennis didn't acknowledge it. He promised to
give us the tickets the next day and left, and Tina said, "We
should probably go separately."

"Why?"

She glanced pointedly at Dennis' back view as
he headed for the elevator. "I might be going home with him. If
he's lucky."

I burst out laughing. When I'd calmed myself,
I said, "Well, you can try, but I'm not sure his boyfriend Jamie
will be down with it."

"Jamie?" She grimaced. "I thought you said
Janie. I didn't get a gay vibe from him."

But even if I
had
said Janie, he had a
partner. Unimpressed that she was willing to tempt him to cheat, I
said, "He saves his hot pink shirts and rainbow jeans for the
weekend. At least, I assume that's what he does, since I've never
seen him wearing them."

She held up her hands. "Hey, I didn't mean it
like that. He just doesn't seem gay."

I had to admit that was true, since I hadn't
known either until he'd brought Jamie to a work lunch. "Well,
they've been together for three years, so if he's faking he's
really committed to the project."

She laughed. "So I won't be going home with
him. But I am serious that we should probably go separately. I
haven't... well, it's been a while since I had a boyfriend, let's
say, and there's bound to be
some
straight guys there."

"At Cats? Good luck."

Thursday night I sat alone at a tiny
restaurant table, wearing my purple dress and a nervous smile and
wondering why I'd let Tina talk me into this.

After Dennis left, Tina and I had continued
talking about dating. She'd told me about her seven-month dry
spell, and I'd been so relieved she definitely wasn't Alex's new
woman that I hardly minded her harping on what she called my
'marathon relationship' with Alex.

Then she'd invited me to a speed dating
session later that week. I'd laughed and said no at once, but she'd
trapped me in my own reversing project.

"You've never done anything like this, right?
So this is totally the time to try it out."

"Weren't you were the one who told me I'll
need seven years to be ready for a relationship?"

"Who said anything about a relationship?
You're just going to chat with some guys. Big deal."

It felt like a big deal, but I had to admit
she was right and I probably needed the practice. I'd done all
right on my 'cruise Toronto and talk to people' night but I had
deliberately not chosen many men on their own. This time they'd be
all I'd see, and that was far scarier.

Tina sat a few tables away, flaunting her
cleavage in a black shirt cut so low she must have taped herself
into it, and didn't seem nervous at all. Lucky girl.

The bell rang to start the sessions and my
heart raced as the first man approached me. I took him in: short
and bald, with bulging eyes that suggested he was even more nervous
than I was. His stress and my utter lack of attraction to him
calmed me a bit, and I smiled at him while he took his seat.

"Hi, I'm Andrea."

"Jeb. Nice to meet you."

We shook hands. He squeezed mine far too
hard, but I managed not to wince. "You too."

"So, three minutes, huh? What are we supposed
to talk about?"

I shook my head. "Never done this
before."

"Me neither. Listen, do you have an
accountant?"

I blinked. "Nope. Why?"

"We wouldn't work out dating-wise. I like my
girls with a little more up top, if you know what I mean. But I'd
be happy to take care of your finances for you."

I felt my mouth fall open but I couldn't make
myself close it. He'd flat-out said I didn't have the physical
assets he wanted and still thought I'd trust him with my financial
ones? "I don't think so."

"Why not? Did I upset you with the..." He
cupped his hands at his chest. "Hey, don't take it personally. It's
not your fault."

The bulging eyes weren't from nerves. They
were proof he was a frog and no prince. I took a deep breath, about
to blast him, then reversed direction before I spoke. Anger
wouldn't faze this jerk. No doubt he'd heard it all before. But a
little humiliation might. "No more than being short and bald is
your fault. But I have no money. I'm actually looking for a sugar
daddy. Preferably one who'll buy me implants. You in? I like my
guys with more hair and height, but you might do."

His face seemed to be trying to achieve
several different expressions at once, but before he could speak I
added, "Oh, wait. How much money did you make last year? I need a
man with lots in his jeans." I smiled innocently into his shocked
eyes. "Back pocket and crotch, I mean. Gotta have both."

Jeb did a spot-on goldfish impression for a
moment, then pushed his chair back and left without a word.

I smothered my grin against my wine glass. I
couldn't believe I'd said all that, but I wouldn't take back even a
single syllable. More up top indeed. Where'd the bald guy get off
telling
me
I needed more up top?

While waiting for the bell to ring again, I
looked around at the other tables. Tina's date looked like a
football player, with such broad shoulders I couldn't see her
around him. I could hear her giggles, though, so he must have been
more to her liking than Jeb had been to mine. I hoped she'd get to
talk to Jeb; she had what he wanted but I knew she wouldn't like
anything about him. And I wanted her to tell him that in
excruciating detail.

Ding went the bell, and over to the next
table went all the guys. My new date, Mark, was tall and sported a
full head of reddish-gold hair. Two big advantages over Jed. He
shook my hand without crushing it and was definitely the kind of
guy you could bring home to Mom.

So I couldn't understand why he bored me half
to death.

He was friendly and attentive, laughed at my
jokes, and didn't comment on my bra size even once, but I'd had
more chemistry with wooden posts. I couldn't help comparing him to
Alex, and he didn't measure up.

A shudder skimmed through me. What if I saw
Alex? How embarrassing would that be?

But no, why would he be here? He had a new
love, having discarded the old one like a snake sheds its useless
skin, and there'd be no reason for him to be at something like
this.

"Don't you think?"

I snapped back to attention. "Sorry, I didn't
hear that last part. It's loud in here." Fortunately, it was; it
gave me a good excuse not to have been listening.

"I said, I think we get along great. I'd be
happy to see you another time if you'd like."

I looked into his eyes. My every instinct
said no, which technically meant I should say yes. But I couldn't.
He deserved better. "Mark, I've just gotten out of a very long
relationship. I'm seriously not ready for this, and to be honest I
shouldn't even be here. I don't want to lead you on, so I'm going
to say no."

He stared at me and didn't speak, and the
silence stretched out to such a degree I was about to start
apologizing when he said, "Andrea, I don't think anyone's ever been
that up-front with me. I admire forthrightness, which makes it even
sadder that you're not interested in me."

"I didn't say I wasn't interested in
you
, it's just--"

He held up a hand. "If you thought we'd
connected nothing else would matter. It's okay. But look, how about
this? I'm going away on business for a month or so, leaving next
week. Can I call you when I get back?"

I took a breath to refuse and he said,
"
Not
for a date. Just because I would like to get to know
you better. If we ever become something more, great, but if not...
well, I think I'd enjoy being your friend. My ex-wife played all
sorts of 'you should be able to read my mind' games and I hate that
stuff. God knows I wouldn't have to wonder what you thought about
things."

I looked into his light blue eyes, waiting
for a spark. He seemed perfect. Why couldn't I feel anything for
him? No spark arrived, but I liked his honesty and his acceptance
of me, and maybe he was right and we could end up connecting some
day, so I smiled.

He smiled back and shot me a wink. "Is that a
yes, my new friend?"

I fumbled around in my purse then held out my
hand to him. "It is, my new friend."

We shook hands, and I slipped him my business
card in blatant violation of the 'the guys give the girls their
numbers, never the other way around' rule we'd been told at the
beginning.

"Cute, funny,
and
a rule breaker." He
shook his head. "You'll probably be married off by the time I get
back."

I burst out laughing at the unlikeliness of
that and he grinned at me.

The bell rang, and he said, "Truly a
pleasure, Andrea."

I smiled. "Same to you."

He left, and the next one took his place.
Then the next and the next and the next. Interchangeable men, and I
had no reaction to any of them. Alex still had my heart. Was there
no way to wrest it away from him?

Tina and I sat in the steadily filling
theater Saturday night. She'd been on the phone when I arrived and
had given me a wave then continued on with her conversation as if I
weren't there, and I was trying not to feel ignored and flipping
through the program to pass the time before Jamie's play began.

In the midst of the over-the-top bios and
effusive thanks written by the actors and crew I spotted a 'We need
clarinets!' advertisement and a wave of prickly heat swept me.

In high school, I'd played clarinet well
enough that my music teacher had encouraged me to study it at
university. I hadn't wanted to, though. I'd claimed to be more
interested in business than music, which was true but not my only
reason. Alex was heavily into music himself, a classical pianist,
and he'd said many times, supposedly in jest but not really, that
music was
his
area not mine. Going after it would have
caused us conflict, and I hadn't wanted to do that. He'd been all
right with me taking classes in school, but not with me focusing my
life on it.

And so I hadn't. I'd put my clarinet into my
parents' storage locker after high school and hadn't thought of it
in years. A part of my past.

But now Alex, at least for the moment, was
also part of my past, and the musical theater group needed me and I
could use something to get me out of the apartment on a regular
basis. Was it time to reverse letting Alex claim music as his
domain?

Alex. Did I want him back or did I hate him?
I fluctuated from minute to minute. My life still felt so
unbalanced without him, but I also liked the changes I'd made and
the freedom of making more when I wanted to. Though I still felt
like an awkward teenager trying to figure out the world sometimes,
I was an adult and could negotiate the world in a different way.
However I wanted, really.

I couldn't believe I hadn't heard from him
even once. His new relationship must have been exactly what he'd
been after. But I had new relationships too. Tina and I spent a lot
of time together on work breaks, Wendy and I were still a little
reserved but got along great, and even Mark had emailed to say he'd
enjoyed meeting me at speed-dating and would be in touch when he
returned from his business trip.

I had other things in my life as well, like
the crocheting I loved. I'd finished my cotton scarf and
half-finished the woolly winter one, working away on the subway and
for hours each night at home marveling at what my hands could
create with yarn and a hook, and I'd planned a trip to the yarn
store tomorrow for supplies to finish the winter scarf and start
something new and amazing.

Definitely new but not so amazing had been
the bellydance class I'd done the night before. I'd felt about as
graceful and sensual as a damp cardboard box next to the teacher
and even my still awkward fellow students, so I wouldn't be going
back. But at least I'd tried. I'd been trying so many new things,
talking to people and eating different foods and wearing unfamiliar
styles, and my life was deeper and richer now.

But of course none of that was the same as
being in a relationship with Alex. I'd felt so safe there, so
secure. My life had been running in a particular groove for
fourteen years and now my train had jumped the tracks and I wasn't
at all sure how to live. Before, I'd been like a glass figurine
wrapped in bubble wrap, protected and insulated by the feeling that
I was loved.