A Life That Fits (9 page)

But bubble wrap will suffocate you if you're
wound up in it too long.

Had Alex and I been suffocating each other?
Had we been together too long? Everyone thought we had, of course.
But I'd loved him and he'd loved me, I thought anyhow, and I'd
never understood the 'you've been with him too long so break up'
attitude. Why break up when everything was still great?

I'd thought we were
still
still great,
but he hadn't.

Tina ended her phone call and I pointed out
the program ad. "I used to play clarinet. I might try out."

"Why not? What have you got to lose?"

Pride if the audition went badly, probably a
lot of time to practicing and rehearsals if it went well, and maybe
any chance of reconciling with Alex if he came back and didn't like
it. Seemed like a lot.

*****

By intermission I was wishing I'd braved
Alex's mocking and come to every last one of Jamie's performances.
The show wasn't even close to flawless but the performers' obvious
passion and commitment got them through and made it enjoyable. My
urge to audition grew stronger every minute, but I still worried
how that might affect my future with Alex.

Tina and I milled around with the rest of the
audience in the theater's lobby, sipping overpriced crappy wine
and, in Tina's case, checking out the men. I'd thought she was
joking about finding someone to go home with, but her systematic
process of analyzing and discarding the available options made it
clear she wasn't.

She only paused when we ran into two of her
friends, Elaine and Sonya, but since their sole topic of
conversation was the relative scarcity of men in the crowd I wasn't
sure it counted as a pause.

"Those two look nice." Elaine gestured with
her head toward two men standing together. They did, actually. One
was blond and tall, clearly athletic, and he should have been
seriously attractive but was somehow too blandly perfect. The other
was tall too but a bit overweight and average-looking except for
his eyes, an amazing aquamarine color.

"You mean the blond, right?" Tina said. "The
other guy's lame."

"Hardly. Didn't you see his eyes?" My cheeks
blazed. Had I actually said that? Tame compared to the others'
previous comments, but for me it was monumental. The first non-Alex
man who'd made me feel any sort of spark.

"Good girl. Let them have the pretty boy. I'm
with you, the other one's way hotter." Sonya held up her hand for
me to high-five her.

I did, while Tina and Elaine rolled their
eyes, then Elaine said, "It's too bad Annie's not here. She'd love
the lame one. And she needs some diversion after the week she's
had."

Tina frowned. "What's wrong?"

Elaine shook her head. "She should have known
better. You don't pick up a guy on the rebound. Especially not like
this. Get this, before he dated her and most of her friends he was
in a
fourteen-year
relationship."

All the air seemed to disappear from the
room, and my lungs, at once.

Tina stared at me, for once seeming worried
about someone but herself. "Oh, God. Elaine..."

"What was his name?" I managed to
whisper.

Elaine looked between me and Tina, frowning.
"Alex. Why?"

My body felt like all its parts were drifting
away from each other, dizzied and warped beyond recognition.

"Are you okay?" Sonya put a hand on my
shoulder.

The contact helped bring me back down to
earth, and I swallowed hard and made myself nod. "It's just..."

"She dated Alex for fourteen years," Tina
supplied when I couldn't finish.

Sonya dropped her hand to her side and
gasped, and Elaine said, "I'm sorry. I wouldn't have mentioned it
if I'd known."

"You... you said he went through most of
Annie's friends?"

"Don't torture yourself," Sonya said,
sounding near tears.

I needed to know, though, so I held eye
contact with Elaine until she said, clearly reluctantly, "He left
you for Kelly but that only lasted about two weeks. Then he spent a
week or two with Janice and a bit less with Brenda before hooking
up with Annie. I think he's single now but I honestly don't
know."

The names spun through my head and the dates
were like spikes on those spinning names, ripping through my heart.
He'd spent only two weeks with
her
? Kelly? I hadn't even
been able to leave the house yet and he'd already left the person
he'd claimed was his soulmate.

Tina gave my arm a squeeze. "You okay?"

I shook my head. "He left me for her and it
didn't even last a month. I don't understand." A sob bubbled up
inside me but I forced it down. "How could he do that?"

Elaine looked like she'd rather be anywhere
but there, but Sonya stepped into the breach. "Trying to understand
men isn't worth the effort. I bet he doesn't even know why."

I nodded slowly. Probably true, since Alex
had never been the self-analytical type. I gave a deep sigh. "I'm
sorry, guys, I'm wrecking your evening."

Elaine, notably, didn't respond, but Tina
gave me a quick hug and Sonya made the supreme sacrifice by saying,
"Want to go after 'eyes'? I'll let you have him."

I couldn't help laughing, though there was
hysteria mixed with it. "That's so nice of you."

She grinned, clearly relieved I was
recovering. "Hey, his friend isn't exactly hideous. I'll just take
him."

Elaine and Tina protested this, and we moved
off the topic of Alex. At least, they did. I couldn't.

Everything,
everything
, I'd done had
revolved around him. It still did, too. I hadn't thought about
whether I
wanted
to play clarinet, only about how Alex would
feel. Even the reversing project, which I'd tried to convince
myself was about expanding my horizons, was really about getting
Alex back. Reversing could also mean going backward, and by trying
so hard to remake myself into what Alex might want I'd completely
abandoned any hope of becoming what
I
might want.

A poke in the shoulder made me jump, and Tina
said, "Do you want to go home?"

"Yeah," I admitted. "I want to hide."

Sonya winced but Tina gave me a half-smile.
"What's the reverse of that?"

I had to laugh. What was the reverse of
letting this news about Alex force me back into hermit status?

*****

"Oh, I'm
so
glad you came out
tonight."

I made myself smile at the delighted teenage
girl behind the ticket desk. "Me too. I just hope I remember how to
play."

"It's like riding a bicycle. You never
forget."

"I hope you're right." My last bike ride,
about ten years ago, had ended abruptly when I fell off and broke
my collarbone in two places. Playing clarinet, no matter how badly,
couldn't be that painful.

"I totally am. So David will email you in a
few days to set up your audition time and let you know what to
prepare."

Prepare? I didn't have any sheet music. Or
any idea where to get it. I took a breath to back out, then caught
Tina's eye. Something in her expression told me she was expecting
me to do just that, so instead I said, "Sounds good. Thanks."

"No, thank
you
."

I smiled and Tina and I headed back to our
seats. When we'd settled into them, she said, "Good job. Now you'll
be too busy for Alex."

I sighed. Even hearing his name made my heart
hurt. I didn't think what I'd learned had quite sunk in yet, and I
wasn't looking forward to how awful I'd feel when it did. "He's not
coming back. He doesn't care. Clearly, or he wouldn't have done all
that. I just don't get how I was so
wrong
about him all
those years."

Tina's phone buzzed. As she pulled it from
her purse, she said, "People are hard to read. You never know who's
going to stab you in the back."

She opened her phone and studied the screen,
and something inside me whimpered. I so did not want that attitude.
I pushed my shoulders back. I wouldn't let it happen. Despite
Alex's betrayal, I would not slip into automatically assuming the
worst of people. I might get hurt occasionally by trusting people
but better that than being bitter and cynical.

Tina burst out laughing and showed me the
phone.

"We're talking to the two guys. E got the blond and I
have eyes. You guys lose."

She pushed to her feet. "I can't let Elaine
have that guy without a fight. You coming?"

She couldn't seriously think I would. I was
more than confused enough without adding another man to the mix.
"Sonya can have 'eyes' with my blessing."

"I'll be back before the show starts."

In fact, she actually arrived ten minutes
into it, which greatly annoyed the people near us who had to get up
to let her in.

"Oops," she whispered to me as she took her
seat, no concern in her voice. "Lost track of time."

I gave her a tight-lipped smile and turned my
attention back to the stage. She got the hint and fortunately kept
quiet until the end. As we were all applauding, she leaned in and
said, "Gotta go. He's waiting for me."

And she was gone, while I looked after her,
stunned. She'd said we should come separately, and we had, but I
hadn't really thought she'd bail out and leave me alone. What kind
of friend would do that, especially after the punch to the gut I'd
received during the intermission?

I left the theater, swept along with the rest
of the crowd. Tina and the blond were nowhere to be seen, but I
spotted Sonya and a furious Elaine in the lobby and they filled me
in.

"She came slinking up to him, after first
undoing at least two shirt buttons, and he fell into her cleavage
and that was that. He never looked at me again."

Sonya patted Elaine on the shoulder. "It
won't last, though. Probably just tonight."

"Did you
see
him? Forget the night,
I'd take an hour. Half an hour."

This was a world I didn't know and didn't
want to know. To Sonya, I said, "What happened to 'eyes'?"

She shook her head. "Might be gay. He was
friendly enough but he didn't open up at all. I did everything but
give him my address and still nothing. Too bad, too... he was cuter
than I'd expected up close."

"Yeah, too bad. Well, nice meeting you
guys."

Sonya said, "We're going out for drinks and
dancing. Want to come?"

Elaine looked startled, but she didn't have
to worry. "Thanks, but I'm done for the day. Have fun, though."

We said our goodbyes and I headed out to the
subway station, arriving on the platform as the train I wanted
departed. I leaned against a wall and idly watched the train that
would be going the other way, avoiding thinking about Alex by
pondering the guy Tina had gone home with, and how I couldn't
imagine just going home with a guy, and how gorgeous the other
guy's eyes had been.

Then the subway began to move and I found
myself looking into those eyes. He stood inside the train staring
out the window, and our eyes caught and held like crazy glue. Sonya
had been right: he was cuter than we'd thought.

Before I could do anything but look at him,
though, the train pulled away and he was gone.

By the time I got home my numbness was
wearing off, and I barely made it inside before I lost control. I
sat curled up on the couch clinging to my half-crocheted winter
scarf in a desperate search for comfort and crying in great painful
sobs. How could he act like that? Why?

When I thought, "What did I do wrong?" the
tears stopped immediately as a deep truth smacked me back to my
senses.

I'd done nothing wrong.

Alex had decided to cheat. Decided to leave.
Decided, quite possibly, to cheat in the past too. And I'd done
nothing to cause any of that. If I'd bored him, he should have told
me, not cheated. I hadn't made him cheat. And nothing I could do to
change myself would bring him back, because he didn't want me any
more.

And...

I had to try three times even to say it in my
head but eventually managed it.

I didn't want him any more either.

It made me cry harder, but I knew it was
true. I'd loved him, but he'd shattered that love. It didn't exist
any more. But he hadn't broken my heart. I wouldn't let that
happen.

I wiped my eyes. No more crying and obsessing
over Alex. Wanting a more definite commitment, I walked into the
bathroom and looked into my watery eyes in the mirror. I took a
deep breath and told my reflection, "I will not change myself for
any man. Not now, not ever."

As I stared into my eyes, something amazing
happened.

I believed myself.

The next morning, after the best sleep I'd
had since Alex left, I ceremoniously deleted the massive Word file
of my thoughts about how to get Alex back since I didn't need it
any more. I expected to be sad but instead I felt a huge relief,
like I'd been carrying all those words on my back and had finally
gotten rid of them.

I looked around the apartment, and decided I
would not be moving. I loved the place. I'd loved it from the
moment we saw it; Alex hadn't been so sure but hadn't been able to
find anywhere he thought was better. So I'd stay. I'd make my own
new memories and let go of the sad ones.

That settled, I headed off to the yarn store
wearing my purple dress and the teal cotton scarf I'd made. I
half-hoped the owner would remember me and like the scarf, but I'd
never have expected her to be so excited about my work.

She asked to hold the scarf and raved over
how evenly made my stitches were and how fast I'd crocheted them.
When I admitted that I was half-done the wool one too, she said,
"But it's only been a week since you were here, hasn't it?"

I nodded, and she shook her head. "You have a
real knack for this." She studied me. "I'd love having you at our
'knit nights'. You stayed for it last Monday, right? Would you be
able to come or are you usually busy Mondays?"