A Life That Fits (5 page)

Imagining my clothes in the closet cheering
me on, waving their arms if they had them and stomping their soles
on the floor if they didn't, made me smile, and I picked up my
briefcase and walked toward the elevators, passing the coffee shop
without looking.

"Andrea! We didn't expect you today, did
we?"

I smiled at Anna. "I figured I should come in
since it's been a while. And I'll be here all week. If that's okay,
of course."

I expected a smile back and an "oh, of
course!" response, but instead I got a furrowed brow and a "well,
yes, it's just..."

"Just what?"

It turned out to be 'just' that they'd let
someone else use the office space I usually occupied. Before I'd
left for my business trip they'd been talking about hiring another
analyst since my work load was pretty intense, and while I'd been
gone for the trip and for freaking out over Alex they had gone
ahead with that and she, Tina, was now a full-time resident of my
former part-time space.

I couldn't help feeling sick that they'd let
her take it over without even telling me about it, but I did my
best to hide that. And then I remembered the reversing project, and
stopped hiding it. "I'm surprised, I have to admit. I'd have
thought you'd make sure we both had space, and also that you'd
mention her to me."

Anna blinked. "Well, actually, yes, you're
right. We should have. I'm sorry. But hey, how about the small
conference room instead? It never gets used."

No, because while it officially held four
people, Anna and I had done my last performance review in there and
we'd both admitted feeling claustrophobic. But as my own work
space? Basically a private office, albeit a tiny one? "That would
work. I'll drop my stuff off there and then I guess I should meet
Tina."

Anna nodded, then cleared her throat as I
turned to go.

I stopped and faced her.

"Are you all right?"

My immediate inclination was to sweep it all
under the rug, so instead I said, "Well, I wasn't for a bit, but I
am now. The whole thing with Alex was a big shock and it did mess
me up for a while, but I've got myself back together." Sort of. But
I wouldn't share my ongoing sadness and confusion with my boss so I
gave her my best confident smile. "And I'll be here every day this
week, so you'll be able to see for yourself."

Anna smiled back and her shoulders dropped.
"That's good." She checked her watch. "We've got a staff meeting in
a minute. We've started weekly ones just to get everyone going in
the right direction at the start of the week. Drop off your
briefcase and then get to the big conference room, okay?"

"Sure," I said, trying not to sound surprised
that my boss, who had always hated staff meetings in general and
pep-talk-style ones in particular, was now holding a weekly
meeting.

When I entered the conference room, my other
boss Gary was sitting laughing with a woman I didn't know. Bigger
and taller than me, she had thick red hair which tumbled to her
shoulders in a riot of curls and waves and she wore the green dress
I'd decided against at the mall because it didn't suit me. It
suited her, though. She had the curves to fill it out and clearly
also the confidence to carry it off.

Alarm bells went off in my head, and a voice
inside me, sounding like one of those calm-voiced 'three seconds to
detonation' announcers from a disaster movie, said, "She's your
opposite."

No. Please, no.

Gary looked up. "Andrea! Didn't expect you
today."

Nobody had, apparently. But here I was. I let
my hands brush over the soft skirt of my purple dress for courage
and gave him a big smile, pushing aside my worries about the woman.
"Figured it was time I came in. More than time." I turned the smile
on the redhead, determined not to show my fear. "I'm Andrea
Forsythe. Nice to meet you."

She stood and held out her hand to me, so I
had to cross the conference room to shake hands with her. As I did,
she said, "Tina Cameron. I've heard so much about you. I guess
we'll be working together."

She
was
my opposite, at least
physically, but the alarm bells began to subside as I thought about
the dates. Alex had met his new woman at work months ago. Tina
hadn't been working here when that would have happened. Relieved,
and trying not to think about the possibility that she'd simply
been in the coffee shop downstairs and their eyes had met over some
stale donuts, I said, "It'll be great to have someone helping out."
Helping out. Not taking over.

"I'm excited about all the possibilities
here. And you got to go to the conference last month, didn't you?
Lucky beast. I've wanted to go for years. I hear the keynote
speakers alone are worth the cost of admission. Who'd you hear this
time?"

Gary gave her a smile I could only describe
as fond. "You'll know soon enough. Andrea always gives a full
report after conferences." The smile faltered. "Eventually,
anyhow." He turned to me. "How are you?"

The tone made it not just a social question,
but I wouldn't have thought he meant it that way anyhow. "I'm
fine." I made my voice as clear and strong as I could. "I had a
rough few weeks but I'm back now and ready to go. No question."

"I'm glad," Tina said before Gary could
respond. "I've been looking for a few of your files. Could you walk
me through your filing system after this?"

She sounded so sweet and innocent I was
positive she didn't realize she'd basically accused me of being
disorganized. I almost let it go, but then reversed. "Well, sure.
It's alphabetical, though, by client name. What couldn't you
find?"

Her cheeks turned a faint pink. "I... Gary
asked on Friday for Sizzlewitz or something and I couldn't find him
in the files."

Gary laughed. "Sorry, that's on me. It starts
with a T, of all things. T-C-I-E and then a bunch of other letters
in apparently random order. No worries, Tina, I should have told
you."

She gave him a grateful smile, and I made a
mental note to watch her. I didn't need her making me look bad, and
I felt sure she'd be trying to take the conferences from me. So
far, not so keen on my new coworker.

Anna arrived then with the rest of the staff,
and after they'd all greeted me more awkwardly than I'd have liked
she said, "All right, let's get down to business. Why don't we
start with a status update from everyone?"

Going through the nine other analysts took a
while, and I was surprised that rather than being bored I felt
uncomfortable in the presence of so many people. I'd become so used
to staying at home, acting however I wanted, and on three occasions
I started to blurt out random thoughts as they crossed my mind. I
only managed to stop myself on two of them, unfortunately, and my
"Hey, that's a new phone, isn't it?" comment to Gary in the middle
of Tina's report raised a few eyebrows and earned me a nod and a
finger-to-the-lips shushing gesture from Gary.

Tina wrapped up, then smiled at me. "So, now
you can talk. How'd the conference go?"

I cleared my throat, feeling silly after my
outburst and sensing that the group was still wondering about me.
"It went well, actually. My presentation was very well received,
and I had at least ten people say they'd be contacting Anna or Gary
for possible new contracts."

"Six have so far," Anna put in.

"Great. I'll follow up with the rest this
week, and--"

"You haven't yet?"

I turned to Tina, surprised. "Well, no. I've
been away. Plus I usually wait at least a few weeks after
conferences to give people time to get settled back into their
jobs."

She made a thoughtful face. "I've always
followed up right away to make sure they don't sign with someone
else. But different strokes for different folks, I guess."

The mental note to watch Tina got circled in
red. "So far it's working for me, so I'll keep it up," I said,
making sure my voice stayed light. "Other than that, I'll post my
session notes on the shared network folder like usual so anyone
who's interested can read them, and... and I think that's about
it."

I ground to a halt in a way I never had in a
real presentation and winced inside. So much for giving a good
impression. My coworkers had almost never seen me present; I didn't
usually give conference updates to everyone, but just talked to
Anna and Gary upon my return, since they'd never been the 'whole
staff' meeting types before. Tina's influence, perhaps?

She smiled at me. "I'd love to have coffee
with you later if you have time, pick your brains about everything
that happened there." She sighed. "Someday maybe I'll get to
go."

Gary gave her that mushy smile again. "You
never know."

I held my face still with an effort. I'd
always been the one to go to the conferences. I had contacts there,
and made new connections for the company every time. Sending Tina
would be like starting all over again.

A cold shiver ran down my spine. I'd been
gone for three weeks, gone with increasingly pathetic excuses. Had
they decided to start again? Was I about to lose the only part of
my life that Alex hadn't ripped apart?

I'd have to wait and see.

No.

The meeting drew to a close, and as everyone
began to leave I said, willing my voice not to shake, "Anna, Gary,
could I speak to you for a minute?"

Tina looked back, clearly reluctant to leave,
as she exited the room, but at last it was just the three of
us.

I took a deep breath. "I owe you both an
apology. Being gone for so long is inexcusable." I turned to Gary,
who was looking surprised, probably because I'd never been the 'lay
the cards on the table' type before. "I know Anna knows about my
recent breakup. Do you?"

He nodded. "And I'm sorry."

The sincerity in his voice made the back of
my throat tighten, but I swallowed hard and pushed the emotions
away. "Thank you. I guess it's obvious that I didn't take it too
well, but I am far better now. I want you to know you can rely on
me."

Anna nodded, and she and Gary exchanged a
glance. I'd never seen one of them make a decision without the
other, and even then they made as few decisions as they could. My
dad always said a committee was ten men doing the work of one, and
I'd amended it for Anna and Gary: they were two doing the work of
none most days. They'd both been around forever, remnants of the
previous ownership of the company, and while they weren't going to
be fired they'd never be promoted either. They coasted through
their days, and it occurred to me that my absence had probably made
them make more decisions, take more actions, than they'd liked.

Gary nodded at Anna then said to me, "We're
glad to hear that. To be honest, we've been concerned about the
October conference."

Not as big as the May one, but still vital. I
hated to say it but had to ask, "You were considering sending
someone else?"

"Tina," he said, confirming my worst fears.
"You know she's excited about the possibility."

Before I could tell him I was excited too, he
said, "But if you're able to go you're by far the best choice." He
glanced to Anna for confirmation, then continued after she nodded.
"So we'll send you."

"Thank you."

"Thank
you
for being so open. It makes
it easier to be sure you'll be able to handle it."

I frowned. "You were doubting me that much?
This is the first time I've been anything but completely
reliable."

"True, but we can't afford even a single
screw-up at conferences. As long as you show us you're completely
fine now, we'll keep sending you."

No pressure.

*****

I spent the rest of the morning working and
trying not to worry about whether I'd soon be replaced by Tina, so
when she showed up at my makeshift office a bit before noon and
said, "Want to have lunch?" I wasn't exactly in the mood to hang
out with her. But since I didn't want to go I made myself accept,
while wishing I'd left a loophole in the reversing project for
annoying new coworkers.

She suggested the coffee shop downstairs, and
while I hated it I knew I needed to get over the memories of me and
Alex so I agreed.

As we waited for the elevator, she said, "I
love your toenails."

I looked down at the teal polish visible
through the straps of my new sandals, which were a little tighter
than I remembered and leaving painful dents in my flesh. "Thanks.
It's not my usual color choice but I like it. Too bright for my
fingers, though."

She held out a hand tipped with pale pink
nails then slipped off one of her green shoes to show toenails the
color of my cobalt sweater. "Trust me, I get it."

I smiled, willing myself to like her. I'd be
working with her, after all, and if she
was
trying to take
my job being nice might make her change her mind. After all, she'd
asked me to lunch and that had to be a good sign.

Walking into the coffee shop hurt, since
nearly every table had been used by me and Alex at some point, but
I made myself keep moving. Rather than my usual sandwich and salad,
I scanned the list of hot food and picked the macaroni and cheese
I'd heard others rave about but had never tried because I didn't
like waiting for it to be dished out. Then I found an iced tea
instead of my standard bottle of water and joined Tina and her
salad at a table.

"You're lucky you can eat stuff like that,"
she said, poking at her lettuce. "I'm so sick of vegetables but
it's the only way to keep my weight down. I bet you've never had a
weight problem, right?"

Did not being able to keep weight
on
when I was nervous or upset count? I didn't own a scale, but the
fit of my favorite jeans suggested I'd lost at least a few pounds
since Alex's departure. I made myself smile. "Add it to the list of
things you hate about me."