A Life That Fits (22 page)

I squeezed my eyes tighter shut and didn't
answer. I had no idea what to say. I had loved him so much, for so
long. Was it possible that I didn't any more? I'd begun to move on,
but could there really be no sparks left?

He kissed my forehead, then moved across to
my temple and down onto my cheek, talking between kisses. "I'm so
sorry. I screwed up. I wanted to come back and I didn't know how. I
love you."

I wanted to push him away and laugh in his
face, but I also wanted him to hold me tight and comfort me, and I
was too weak to push.

His kisses moved closer to my mouth, and
though I didn't turn into him I couldn't make myself turn away
either, and he gave me a soft sweet kiss.

Funny how after so many years of just him his
kiss could now feel unfamiliar, but it did. No doubt he'd learned a
few things from Kelly and his other women.

Anger gave me a fleeting instant of strength,
and I used it to push him back. "How could I ever trust you? You
were with all those other women, you cheated on me... how do I know
it won't happen again?"

He held my gaze, his eyes calm and steady,
and reached into his pocket, pulling out a small black box then
flipping it open. "Marry me."

The diamond sparkled in the streetlight's dim
glow, and I stared at it as if the appropriate response might be
engraved on it. Then I raised my eyes to his, to his confident
face, and said, "That doesn't answer my question."

His confidence flickered, and I felt another
flash of anger. How could he possibly think-- I put that question
aside for later, though, because he was saying, his voice full of
hurt and confusion, "But I'm sorry. And I love you. I'll do
anything to convince you, so what do I need to do?"

My stomach twisted, no doubt due to how
little I'd been eating. I took a deep breath and willed it to
relax. "I don't know. But you haven't done anything yet. I am
nowhere near ready to marry you. I never thought I'd see you again,
and I'm not sure I ever wanted to. We've got a long way to go
before we could get engaged."

He put the ring box away and pulled me close.
"I'm sorry. But I do want to marry you."

"You never wanted to before," I said, trying
not to let myself relax too much in his embrace. The unfamiliarity
was fading and all the years of drawing comfort from his arms
around me were taking over, and I didn't know yet if I wanted that
to happen. "You didn't even talk to me after you left. You left me
all alone."

"I thought that would be easier on you.
Cutting the ties completely. I've been an idiot. But I love you.
Will you let me show you?"

I saw a single flash of aquamarine eyes
behind my closed eyelids, then nothing but blackness as I gave in.
Alex was just too much a part of me. His smell, his touch on my
hair, even the roughness of his denim jacket against my cheek...
every atom of my body knew him and wanted him back, and my poor
tired heart and soul couldn't resist any more. "Okay," I said on a
sigh.

He pulled me closer, then took my face in
both hands and kissed me again. I let him, keeping the memory of
the last man who'd held me and kissed me trapped safely behind
locked doors in my mind, and felt my body gradually warming to
him.

Alex walked back into the apartment, ahead of
me, as if he'd never been away, but froze a few steps into the
foyer. "What's that?"

I looked past him. "Who, not what." I picked
up the cat and cuddled him close. "He's Harrison. I've had him, oh,
nearly two months now." My furry orange line, whose presence was
supposed to prevent exactly what I'd just let happen. I squeezed
the cat tighter, trying to get my head around everything.

"I never wanted a pet."

Alex's tone was neutral, but I looked up and
took a breath to say, "He's staying." Before I could, he added,
"He's cute, though." Brushing his fingers over Harrison's head, he
said, "Soft, too. He's housetrained, right?"

I nodded, feeling a strange mix of pride and
confusion and disappointment, then said, "I should feed him and
clean his box."

I took my time doing those chores, needing a
moment to collect myself. Alex was back. I'd
let
Alex come
back. He'd wanted to, and I'd let him so I must have wanted him
back. So why did I feel dead inside?

When I'd finished with the cat care, I found
Alex standing in the living room studying the purply-blue living
room paint. I started to say something, although I didn't know
what, but he said, "It's pretty. Like you," and pulled me onto the
couch with him where to my surprise he started kissing and touching
me and telling me how much he wanted me.

Sex would probably bond us together again,
and his caresses did feel good, but I couldn't bring myself to do
it. I toyed with pretending I had my period, since he never wanted
to have sex then, but instead said, "No, I'm not ready for
that."

He pulled back, looking hurt and surprised,
but before I could try to explain he said, "That's okay, I
understand. You need time to get used to all this."

I wasn't sure I'd live long enough for that
to happen.

I didn't even feel ready to sleep in the same
bed with him so I set up the couch for him as if there was no other
option and he didn't question it.

We spent Saturday watching television and
playing with Harrison and not talking about anything that mattered,
just like we'd never been apart. It felt familiar and comfortable
at times, but then I'd realize how weird it all was and my stomach
would tighten again. I couldn't eat much, even though I did feel
hungry, but I did my best to choke down the dinner he insisted on
making for me. I'd wanted to reverse my life, and I had, but now it
was upside down and twisted around. It would straighten out,
though, once I got used to having Alex back. I hoped.

At the end of the day Alex didn't ask me to
let him sleep with me, but when I again prepared the couch for him
he looked sadly at me before I went into the bedroom that used to
be ours and closed the door firmly behind me.

I escaped the strangeness of having what I'd
thought for months I wanted by going to orchestra rehearsal on
Sunday but came back just as upset as Friday, since the situation
there had somehow managed to become even more tense. Alex hugged me
to comfort me, then tried again to get me into bed, and after again
refusing I said, "I'm not going to be ready in a day or two, you
know. You cheated on me and dumped me. You think I've just
forgotten that?"

He picked up a crochet hook from the coffee
table and began toying with it. "Of course not. I don't know how
else to make it up to you, though."

"So you want to sleep with me to say you're
sorry."

"Sounds stupid when you say it that way."

I took my hook from his hands before he made
me crazy with his fiddling. "I just don't understand. And I need
to."

"I screwed up. I don't know what else to
say."

I wanted to suggest, "I'll never do it
again," but didn't want to know whether he'd make that promise
without hesitation so I simply said, "I need time. Don't push
me."

He nodded and said, "Tell me about this yarn
stuff. What are you up to?"

Happy he cared about my new hobby, I told him
how I'd found it and how much I enjoyed it but before long realized
he was yawning. I stopped mid-sentence, annoyed.

"Sorry, it's not you. The couch is awfully
lumpy."

Since I'd fallen asleep out there a few times
myself, I knew he was right, and that night I let him sleep in the
bed with me. When I woke in the middle of the night to find myself
wrapped in his arms his warmth and familiarity felt good and also
made me feel sick. What was I
doing
? Was this really what I
wanted? I fell back to sleep before I could decide, and in the
morning Alex was on his own side of the bed with his back to me and
I didn't know whether to feel relieved or annoyed.

All in all, I spent the weekend feeling like
a tightrope walker in a heavy wind, and going to work on Monday was
actually a relief. I knew where I stood there.

Of course, Loren was also there, and I didn't
know whether I should be telling him I'd taken Alex back or whether
it didn't matter since we'd simply shared one brief wild moment
that would never happen again. Well, it couldn't happen again now,
naturally, but since neither of us had made a move in the weeks
since we'd kissed we obviously weren't meant to be together.

On the way to work I decided not to tell him,
or anyone. I hadn't told my new group about Alex, hadn't even
mentioned his name or how long we'd been together to anyone but
Loren, so why bother announcing we'd gotten back together?

That plan went out the window, though, when I
headed to the photocopier at nine and saw Wendy, clearly fighting
back tears, being comforted by Loren and Jay.

"Are you okay?"

She looked at me and sniffled. "Yeah. Got
dumped, that's all."

I gave her an awkward hug, our first hug
ever. "I'm sorry."

She rubbed her eyes. "Right before I leave
for New York Friday night, he calls me, at the airport no less, and
sounds totally normal until suddenly he says he's going back to his
ex. I spent half the flight raging and the other half bawling. I
think they nearly had airport security meet me in New York, I
probably looked insane." She dissolved into tears again.

The others said all the right things, about
how he was an idiot and should never have let her go, but I
couldn't speak, my head too full of a few key words. Back to his
ex. Friday night. Idiot.

When Wendy had calmed a bit, I said, "I'm
sorry Henry did that to you," knowing full well Henry wasn't her
ex's name. I couldn't bring myself to ask her flat-out.

"Thanks, but his name's Alex. Henry's my
brother-in-law."

As I struggled to breathe Loren turned to
face me. Our eyes met and the shock and pain in his tore at my
heart. I'd named my ex when Loren and I had spent the day together,
and no doubt he could recognize my reaction now. Oh, God. I'd never
have wanted him to find out like this.

But I had another coworker to think of before
I could worry about Loren.

"Wendy?" I said, tearing my eyes from Loren.
"I need to talk to you. Alone."

My voice felt strange and sounded stranger to
me, and clearly to her too because she stared at me before saying,
"Right now?"

I nodded, and she thanked the others for
their support then led me into the nearby conference room. I could
feel Loren's eyes on me but I couldn't look at him.

Wendy closed the door behind us and dropped
into a chair. "What's up?"

I didn't know how to say it.

She leaned forward, her eyes narrowing. "You
look worse than I feel. What's going on?"

Clinging to one last strand of hope, I said,
"Is Alex's last name Lockton?"

She blinked. "Yeah. How'd you know that?"

Because I have descended into hell on
earth.
"Wendy, I'm so sorry. I'm the ex he went back to."

Her forehead furrowed as if this new
information was making everything in her head change positions. I
knew how she felt. I waited, until she said, "He and I didn't talk
about our past relationships. He said he wanted a clean slate. But
Friday he said you two were together for fourteen years."

I nodded.

"You never said anything. Not details,
anyhow. I knew you had a breakup but nothing more."

"I didn't want to talk about it. I figured it
was in the past, and besides part of the problem at my previous job
was them thinking I was too messed up. I didn't think telling you
guys would do anyone any good."

She nodded vaguely.

"I had no idea he would ever come back to me,
and I had no idea he was with you. If I'd known..."

I trailed off. If I had known, what? Would I
have refused him? I didn't want to think I'd have taken him fresh
from my friend's arms, but I'd also been convinced I'd never take
him at all.

"I didn't tell you his name?"

I shook my head. "If you had, I'd have
wondered. You mentioned your boyfriend, but not his name. We never
really discussed guys, remember?"

She nodded again. "I told him about you,
though. About my new friend at work, and I'm sure I said your name
now that I think about it. I wonder if he figured out it was
you."

Me too. She'd been worried about me on
Friday. Had she told him on the phone that her new coworker, new
friend, was sick and exhausted, and then he'd dumped her and come
to find me when I'd be unable to resist him?

When I couldn't handle the silence any more,
I said, "I'm so sorry. Can you forgive me?"

She stared straight ahead. "For what? I don't
see how you did anything wrong. I'm just totally shocked. That he
left me, that you're his ex, that I was wrong about you and--well,
never mind that one. Everything feels weird. But I don't think you
did anything to need forgiveness."

Then why wouldn't she look at me? "You don't
have to answer this, but do you really like Alex?"

She sighed again and turned to face me, and
the pain in her eyes made me wish she hadn't. "Honestly? Yeah. It
wasn't even two months yet but it was going great. I thought we
were good together, and I really liked--" She cut herself off and
rubbed her forehead. "I can't talk about
my
sex life with
your
boyfriend. This is all too weird."

I couldn't find anything to say but, "Yeah."
We sat in silence until I gathered the courage to add, "Can we
still be friends?"

My stomach twisted when she didn't answer
right away, then tightened even more when she said, "I think not
right now. Not because you did anything wrong, but because when I
see you I'll think about him and I need a bit of time away from
that. Is that okay?"