A Life That Fits (12 page)

She grimaced. "I can understand that. Maybe
you shouldn't go?"

I shook my head. "I want to. I love them. And
I know I'll be okay once I'm there."

I expected her to nod encouragingly but she
reversed it on me. "But what if you're not okay? Would be bad for
the company, right?"

I sat up straighter in my chair and took a
deep breath to give myself time to think through my response so I
wouldn't blurt out the first furious thing in my mind. Then I said,
"That sounds like you don't think I can handle it. Is that what
you're trying to say?"

She flushed. "No, not at all. How would I
know anyhow? I'm sorry, I didn't mean it the way it came out."

"Apology accepted. Thanks."

"You're welcome." She rubbed her cheeks. "Is
it hot in here or is it just me?"

I laughed. "Don't worry about it. Everyone
says dumb things at times."

She rolled her eyes. "But I do it more than
most. Listen to this."

And she was off, on a story of how she'd
drunk way too much at the cottage and then told Brent's cousin she
wanted a threesome with him and Brent.

I barely listened, too busy thinking about
Anna and Gary's questioning. Were they also doubting my abilities?
I'd have to step up my game. I didn't want to give them any reason
to think they should replace me for the conferences.

Especially since the person they could easily
use to replace me was already on staff, sitting across from me
blathering on about threesomes.

My hands were shaking so hard I could barely
hold my clarinet. I'd been fine while warming up, had even enjoyed
the random sounds of at least fifteen people playing different
songs at once. But once David called for silence and had us all sit
in a row in the main rehearsal hall until he called us into a
smaller room to audition, I'd started to panic.

For fourteen years, music had been Alex's
thing not mine. I was deliberately pushing myself into an arena
we'd agreed was his, and while I knew I had every right to do so,
had indeed
always
had the right to do so, it still felt
strange and wrong.

Person after person auditioned then came back
and got their stuff, some looking happy and some determinedly
neutral and one in tears, and I sat trying to take deep breaths but
finding them choked off by my terror. When I realized only two
people were left before me, all I wanted to do was flee, so though
it was almost unbearable to stay sitting still I made myself
reverse it and keep my butt glued to the chair.

I couldn't sit in silence any longer, though,
so I turned to, turned
on
really, the girl sitting next to
me. "Are you freaking out?" I demanded. "I'm freaking out."

She blinked and leaned back away from me,
drawing her flute out of the reach of the crazy clarinet player.
"I'm nervous, yeah. But I don't think I'm freaking out."

I nodded as if that had helped. "I'm glad for
you. I wish I could just be nervous."

"Take more deep breaths," someone said, and I
looked to the side to see a blond guy leaning casually against the
wall, a clarinet tattooed on his bare forearm. He smiled. "It'll
help."

"Thanks," I mumbled. I did keep trying, and
it helped a bit, but when the next person was called my heart rate
went up still higher, and when the flute player went I honestly
thought I'd either cry or puke. Or both.

I had to reverse this. I wouldn't be able to
play at all in my current state, and the hours I'd put into
learning my audition piece and sight-reading everything I could
find online would be wasted. If I didn't make it, fine, but I
didn't want to cut myself from the show before David had the
chance.

How to reverse panic?

Among the many downsides of terror is the
number it does on your mental faculties. I couldn't think of
anything to calm myself down, couldn't remember anything I'd read
or seen. Then I noticed a strand of orange fur on my jeans.

Harrison. Playing with his toys. Eating his
food by knocking each individual piece of kibble out of his bowl
onto the floor then picking it up with his mouth. Chewing my yarn
and blinking innocently at me when I told him to stop. Drifting off
to sleep in my lap. Hogging my pillow. I took deep breaths and
watched the cat in my mind. Goofy, furry, and adorable. Nothing to
worry about. Watching the cat.

David appeared and called my name and
Harrison vanished, but his presence had helped and I was able to
walk, although my knees were shaking violently, into the back room.
I noticed, barely, the blond guy following me in carrying a
clarinet. Maybe he'd beat me to death with it if I asked so I
wouldn't have to play.

David returned to his seat between two other
people, glanced at the blond, then smiled at me, his teeth vibrant
white in his dark-chocolate face. "Andrea, lovely to meet you. I
know you've been sitting there for ages, so go ahead and play a few
notes to get yourself ready to go and then we'll hear your
piece."

I blew into the clarinet and it gave an
agonized squawk, sounding exactly how I felt.

"Sorry," I muttered, and tried again. I did
eventually manage to get something that actually sounded like a
note, but my very first attempt with the instrument way back in
grade four had sounded better than I did now.

I looked over at David and his team, who
looked confused, and such a huge rush of sadness hit me that I
couldn't breathe never mind play. All that time, my decision to
move into a previously Alex-dominated arena, to take on my life in
a way I'd never imagined I could, and I didn't have a prayer
because I couldn't make myself relax.

Nobody seemed sure what to do, then the blond
guy cleared his throat. "David, can I play second to Andrea's first
part? I'd like to hear how they sound together."

David looked up at him, frowning, then his
face cleared and he nodded. "If you want."

The blond walked over and set his music on
the stand next to the sheet they'd left for me. "We'll play it
together," he said, giving me a sweet smile and patting my
shoulder. "But I warn you, I'll probably drop out once I know how
it sounds. Deal?"

I couldn't for the life of me understand why
he needed to do this now, but not having to stand and play alone
felt far better so I nodded.

"Give me a C so we can tell if we're in
tune."

I took a deep breath and played the note,
sounding a little less cat-with-tail-under-rocking-chair than
before, and he played it with me then adjusted his clarinet. "Good
enough for jazz, as they say. Let's do this. Ready, David?"

David nodded.

"Okay, Andrea, I have two bars on my own and
then you join in. Here we go."

I'd listened to a recording of the piece so
many times I could sing it in my sleep, and my nerves settled down
as the familiar sounds began. I came in right where I was supposed
to and we played together for the first half of the page without a
single mistake.

He stopped playing but I carried on, totally
into it by now and not scared any more, and ran through alone until
he rejoined me for the final chord.

The judges clapped, and the blond smiled at
me. "Nice job. I can almost see King Louie and the other monkeys
dancing around."

I smiled back. "Thanks."

He winked. "I just wanted to hear how it
sounded."

"Sure, George, whatever you say," David said,
then smiled at me. "Ready to sight-read?"

I was, and I pulled it off with only one tiny
mistake.

"Andrea, could you wait outside for a
minute?"

"Of course."

George followed me out. "Good job. I heard
you warming up and knew you could do it."

Now that I wasn't panicked, I could think
straight. "You knew how the second part sounded with the first,
didn't you?"

He smiled. "I've played this show before.
Yup, I knew. I also knew you couldn't do it while
freaking
out
." He imitated my attack on the poor flautist and I had to
giggle. He grinned and added, "I heard you warming up so I knew you
could play. I figured once you got going you'd be fine, and we need
you so I wanted to make sure you got going."

"Well, thank you so much. You saved my
audition. Although..."

He raised his eyebrows.

"They probably won't want me since I was
falling apart."

George took a breath to respond but David
opened the door and beckoned me back in before he could.

"Andrea, do you usually have trouble with
stage fright?"

I shook my head. "I do huge conference
presentations for work and I'm barely even nervous. This was a big
step for me for a lot of reasons. I've never done an audition
before, and honestly I was fine until it hit me what I was doing.
But..." I looked him in the eye. "If you let me play with you I
promise I won't let you down."

He smiled. "I'll hold you to that. Welcome
aboard."

*****

On Sunday, I joined the musical theater's
cast and crew and orchestra for a meeting at the rehearsal space.
Wendy came with me; when I'd told her about my new activity she'd
asked if they needed more crew members, and since she'd worked
backstage on shows in high school David had been delighted to add
her to the group.

George smiled when I walked in and I grinned
back and took Wendy over to him. After I'd introduced them, I said,
"Got you something," and gave him an envelope.

"Why?"

"For saving my audition, of course."

He shook his head. "I didn't do anything.
You'd have pulled yourself together."

"I admire your optimism. Open it."

He grinned as he pulled out a Tim Hortons
gift card. "How'd you know I love their coffee?"

I smiled. "You're Canadian, right? Isn't it
part of our constitution or something?"

"Just about. Thanks."

"Thank
you
. I'm so excited to be in
the orchestra."

A tall thin Asian man walked up and said, "Is
that a Tim's card? Do I get some?"

George slipped the card and envelope into his
pocket. "Only if you're nice. So probably not. Andrea and Wendy,
this is my boyfriend Cam, who's one of the lighting guys here. Cam,
Wendy's on backstage crew and Andrea's my new clarinet buddy."

Cam and I shook hands and he said, "The
freaking out
one?"

I laughed as George punched his arm. "I'm not
usually. Just for that audition. But George rescued me."

Cam rubbed where George had hit him. "Wish
someone would rescue me
from
him."

We all laughed, then David called the meeting
to attention. As we worked through the schedule and David's
expectations I began to wonder what I'd gotten myself into. The
orchestra would be practicing on our own twice weekly, which wasn't
too bad, but once we were three weeks away from the October opening
night we'd be there with the cast four times a week. The week
before the show opened we'd all have nightly rehearsals and spend
the full weekend in final preparations, and then of course the
eight performances the next week. Exhausting.

David asked about schedule conflicts, and I
told him I'd be away for the conference two weeks before the show.
He wrote it down and said, "We'll survive without you for that
week."

"Speak for yourself," George said, and I
smiled at him.

Once the meeting was over we had a pizza
dinner and hung out and chatted. They were all friendly, and I felt
included and comfortable. But their stories of how tired they
always were during the week before a show, which they called 'hell
week', frightened me.

"It's not really that bad," George said
eventually, and I turned toward him, hopeful he'd make me feel
better.

"It's not?

He looked at me, then admitted, "Actually, it
is."

Everyone but me laughed. I had wanted to do
something new and exciting, and now I was. But I still had to do my
job, and I wanted to crochet and read and maybe sleep occasionally.
Would this reversal be great or would I be destroyed by hell
week?

I looked back and forth between them, knowing
I'd heard Anna right but not able to believe what she'd said. "Why?
I can handle it."

Gary cleared his throat and stared at Anna as
if willing her to respond, and she did. "It's not permanent, at
least not yet. We just don't want anything to go wrong."

"But that's my point. It won't. You don't
need to send Tina instead of me, because I am completely fine and
will handle the conference like always. Have you had any worries
about me in the past?"

Gary began fiddling with his watch strap and
Anna said, "No, we've always been happy with your work. And we
still are okay with it. But Tina's going to the conference in
October and that's just the way it is."

I took a deep breath and forced myself to
continue though my heart was racing and I felt sick. "Anna, I don't
understand. I know I wasn't myself after Alex left me, but I've
been back for weeks now and doing fine. Doesn't that prove I'll be
all right?"

She took a swallow from her water bottle
before replying. "We have given this a lot of thought, and we think
the best thing for the department, and the company as a whole, is
to have Tina handle this conference. January is still up in the
air, and for next May's big one we might send you both. October,
though, is set."

Her reference to the company as a whole made
their rationale clearer. We'd been taken over by a new management
team a year ago; at the time Anna and Gary hadn't been a top
priority but rumor had it that the team was now looking carefully
at every last person on staff. My bosses were no doubt aware that
even the faintest hint of 'sending someone who had a breakdown to
represent the company' wouldn't do them any favors.