After Alex Died (4 page)

“Aww,” Antonio protested. “You’ve got to go out with us.” I wasn’t sure why it was so important to him for me to join them. I would have thought he would want to take Sofia out on his own—just the two of them. Or maybe that scared him. Maybe he wanted me to be a bit of a buffer until he had enough courage to make a move on her.

“Okay,” I agreed.
“But only because I don’t like it when you pout.”

“Pout?” Antonio scoffed. “Did you see me pout?” He looked at Sofia for assistance.

She held back a grin. “Maybe a small pout.”

“Seriously?”
He put his hand to his chest. “You’re killing me. Guys are not supposed to pout.”

Sofia rolled her eyes. “Guys pout all the time. Believe me. I know. I have four brothers.”

Antonio looked at me. “So, what are some of the best places to hang out on Friday night?”

I shrugged. I truly had no idea.

“Where do people go to dance?”

I wanted to say:
Do I look like I dance
? But I held my tongue. Instead, I racked my brain to try and remember any places my roommate might have mentioned that she went on a Friday or Saturday night. Boogie’s? No, that wasn’t it. Bogey’s. The place I remember them talking about the most was called Bogey’s.

“There’s a place called Bogey’s,” I suggested.

“Let’s give it a try,” Antonio decided. “You in, Sofia?”

Sofia laughed. “Was that a rhetorical question? If there’s m
usic and dancing, I’m there.”

***

By Friday evening, I was exhausted. Dr. Jones had put us through a full day of first aid and emergency response training. I wasn’t sure how I would have enough energy to actually get to Bogey’s let alone dance once we were there. But I had made a commitment to Antonio and Sofia and I didn’t want to let either of them down.

Cameron didn’t say more than two words to me the entire day. I noticed him staring at me a few times
, but when I caught him looking at me he quickly turned away. He continued sitting with Rachel and Renee at all of our meals and I imagined the two of them fighting over him at some point. I wondered which of the two he would choose. They were both blonde-haired, blue-eyed beauties. Rachel was a bit taller and slimmer than Renee but I thought Renee had sexier curves.

As I scanned the sparse selection of clothes in my closet, I was overcome with anxiety. I didn’t have anything to wear to a dance club. What was I thinking accepting an invitation to go out? And as I was so often reminded, I looked like a freak. Who was ever going to ask me to dance? The very idea seemed lud
icrous.

A soft knock on the door startled me and I slammed my closet closed in disgust. When I opened the door Sofia was standing there with a small satchel.

“I thought you might need some help,” she said as she marched into my room.

“Come in,” I teased
, as she was already making her way to my closet.

When
she swung my closet door open, she shrieked. “Black pants, black skirt, black shirts. Do you have anything that’s not black?”

“My underwear.”

Sofia glared at me. “That’s the one thing that
should
be black.”

She pulled a bright scarf from her bag. It was a mixture of different hues of pink and rose. It actually matched my current hair color. “We need to give your wardrobe a little color and brighten you up a bit.”

“Maybe I don’t feel very colorful or light,” I complained. “Maybe my dark clothes are a reflection of how I feel.”

“This is going to be like Method Acting. Pretend to feel ha
ppy until you actually do feel happy. At least while we’re at the club. When you get back you can be all morose again.”

“Fine.”
I grabbed the scarf and stared at it for a minute. “What do I do with it?”

Sofia looked me up and down. I was wearing black jeans and a short sleeve back top. She grabbed a black dress that was hanging in the closet and made me change into it. Then she wrapped the scarf around my waist like a belt.

“See,” she said pointing into the full length mirror on the back of my door. “You look hot.”

I thought hot was a bit of an exaggeration but at least I wouldn’t completely stand out as a total weirdo at the club.

“Now let’s do something with your make up.”

Sofia sat me down at my desk and laid out a bunch of pro
ducts from her bag. Within minutes she had me completely made over.

“You have beautiful green eyes. They look so much better without all the heavy dark makeup.”

She dragged me over to the full-length mirror again and I examined myself. I was surprised at the transformation just a few changes could make. I did look lighter and freer. Not as closed and cloaked in sadness.

“Now if you’d let me do something with your hair…but that’s a project for another day.”

“Thanks,” I said still looking at myself. Maybe my mom was right. Maybe it was time to let go of my cloak of despair. It was scary, though, because I had depended on it for so long. Ever since Alex died.

“What are friends
for? Now let’s go dance our asses off.”

***

When Antonio met us in the lobby, he whistled. Sofia did look fantastic. She was wearing a tight black mini-dress that accentuated all of her curves and she put a few waves in her beautiful black hair. I watched as Antonio took her in. I could tell he had already fallen for her. I wondered if Sofia even realized it.

“How did I get so lucky? I have the honor of escorting two gorgeous girls to the club tonight.”

I gave Antonio a dubious look. “You’ve got that half right.”

He frowned. “How can you doubt me?”

“I think you’re just being nice.”

“One thing you’ll learn about me,” he said pointing to his chest. “I always say what I mean and I mean what I say. I’m a straight shooter.”

Sofia grabbed Antonio by the elbow. “Okay, Mr. Straight Shooter. Let’s shoot straight to the club. How does that sound?”

Sofia winked at me and the three of us headed off.

***

The club was already packed by the time we got there and it reeked of stale beer and sweat. We all took the red underage bracelets for our wrists. Sofia and Antonio told me they had fake IDs but they didn’t want to risk getting caught and losing their jobs. They seemed to be just as afraid of Dr. Jones as I was. We were there to dance, anyway, so we hit the dance floor, which was already packed tightly with people.

“You were right,” Antonio yelled over the music at me. “There’s a lot of action here.”

He grabbed Sofia’s hand and pulled her deeper onto the dance floor.
As I watched the two of them get closer and dance, I wondered if there was ever going to be a guy to take interest in me that way. Antonio couldn’t keep his eyes off of Sofia. He seemed to be really taken with her. I scanned the sea of dancers all moving to the techno-beat until my eyes landed on Cameron. He wasn’t dancing either. He was doing the same thing I was doing, participating vicariously on the sidelines.

I was surprised that he wasn’t in the middle of the dance floor, getting the crowd riled up. That’s what the Cameron I knew from high school would have done. That’s what I had seen him do at a number of school dances. That’s what he did on that ill-fated Homecoming night, right before Alex killed himself.

When Cameron’s eyes met mine I quickly turned away and saw Sofia and Antonio heading in my direction. Sofia grabbed my elbow and I tried to protest but she pulled me on to the dance floor with her and Antonio.

I attempted to lose myself in the beat of the music. I wanted to shut my mind off just for a few minutes—to forget about my shitty freshman year of college—to forget about my mother selling our house and moving and to forget about Alex’s suicide.

But I couldn’t forget. That was the problem. All I could do was remember. And the constant remembering was tearing me apart.

After a few minutes
a slow song came on and Antonio grabbed Sofia and pulled her close. I watched as couples paired off and the remaining non-paired people, like me, exited the dance floor. I decided to get some water, so I headed over to the “Underage Bar” where they served non-alcoholic beverages.

I could feel someone come up behind me when I ordered my water. I turned to see Cameron standing a few inches
away from me. I suddenly felt nervous. What did he want? I wanted for him to just leave me alone. I may be required to work with him but I wasn’t required to socialize with him.

“Can I buy you a drink?” he asked. I nearly choked.

“No,” I replied without thinking.

He looked like I’d slapped him.

“I’m having water,” I clarified. “It’s free.”

He nodded. He was staring at me and it made me feel very uncomfortable.

“You look different,” he said.

I wondered if that was good or bad but I didn’t ask. I really didn’t want to engage in conversation with Cameron any more than
necessary.

“I like the belt.” He made a movement to touch the end of the scarf, where it was tied, but I backed away before he could. 

“Don’t touch me,” I warned. I continued to retreat until my back was against the bar.

Embarrassment seemed to wash over his face. “I didn’t mean to—I—um—I don’t know what I mean.”

“What do you want, Cameron?”

He bit his bottom lip as if he was thinking about it. Then he just shook his head. “I don’t know,” he whispered. I wasn’t sure if he was actually saying the words to me or to himself.

“I’m going to dance,” I declared. I wasn’t sure I even wanted to dance but I knew I wanted to get away from Cameron.

I gulped down the water I ordered then threw the small pla
stic bottle in the recycle bin. I hurried back onto the dance floor where I joined Sofia and Antonio. They were now both drenched with sweat but still going strong. The two of them really seemed to like to dance
and they both had great moves.

I tried to get lost in the music again but it was so hard with Cameron’s words running through
my ,head.
You look different
.
I want to apologize
.
For everything
. He made me so angry and confused.

When another slow song came on
, I quickly exited the dance floor. I pulled the cell phone out of my pocket and glanced at the time. I couldn’t believe it was nearly eleven. I suddenly felt exhausted.

After the song ended Sofia and Antonio joined me near the bar.

“Do you want anything?” Antonio asked.

I shook my head. “No, I think I’m going to get going.”

“No way!” Antonio declared. “It’s still early. It’s not even midnight.”

“The kids are moving in tomorrow,” I reminded him.

He gave a dismissive wave. “Not until ten.”

“You two can stay. But I’m tired.”

Sofia shook her head. “You are not walking back to the dorm by yourself. No way.”

“I’ll be fine,” I assured her. “I’ve lived here for the past year, remember.”

I didn’t want to tell her that as many times as I’d walked back and forth from campus to the off-campus retail area, I had never actually walked there after dark by myself.

Sofia raised an eyebrow. “Are you sure?”

“I’m sure,” I lied. I was anything but sure. “You two have fun.”

Sofia gave me a quick hug. “See you tomorrow.”

“Bright and early,” I added.

As Sofia and Antonio headed back on to the dance floor, I took a deep breath and headed towards the exit. I knew it was probably really stupid to walk back to the other side of campus
by myself in the dark but I was going to do it anyway. I didn’t want to be a burden on anyone, especially two people who actually could be the first two real friends I’d had in what felt like forever.

As I stepped outside I got a chill, even though it was still hot and humid. Then I rea
lized the reason for the chill—footsteps echoed behind me. Panic gripped me until I heard a voice say, “Dee Dee, wait!”

I stopped and turned to see Cameron standing a few inches from me. I instinctively took a few steps back to put some distance between us.

“What are you doing?” he asked.

The question struck me as odd. “What do you mean?” I r
eplied.

“Are you walking back to the dorms by yourself?” He seemed to have genuine concern in his voice.

I made a point of looking to my left, then to my right, then I glanced behind me. “Yup, all by myself.” I turned away from him and started walking until he grabbed my elbow.

“Wait,” Cameron
ordered.

I spun around again and glared at him. “What part of don’t touch me didn’t you get?”

He let go of my arm but he held my gaze. “I don’t think it’s safe for you to walk by yourself.”