After Alex Died (3 page)

“This may end up being the best summer job ever.”

“I don’t think Dr. Jones will approve of you and Antonio hooking up,” I warned her.

“Why do you have to burst my bubble like that?”

“I’m just saying…”

She crossed his arms over her chest. “I didn’t hear Dr. Jones say anything about not dating our co-workers. And I already checked the packet. It doesn’t say anything about it in there either.”

I shook my head in disbelief. “You already checked the packet?”

She nodded.

“It may not say anything but I still wouldn’t cross Dr. Jones. She’s one tough woman.”

“You’re telling me, if one of the hot guys we’re spending the summer with, came on to you, you’d refuse?”

“First of all, you’re making a huge assumption that any guy, hot or not, would hit on me. There’s no evidence to support that assumption.”

Sofia raised an eyebrow.
“Seriously?”

“Yes.”

“I find that difficult to believe. If your hair wasn’t a rainbow of various shades of cotton candy pink and blue and you went a little lighter on the eyeliner and you wore something other than black, you’d probably have every guy knocking on your door.”

“Maybe I don’t want any guys knocking on my door.”

“Girls?” Sofia offered.

I shook my head.
“No, nothing like that. I’m just dealing with a lot right now. I don’t need a guy to complicate things.”

“Does Cameron know that?” Sofia gave me a sly grin.

“Cameron?” I scoffed. “Even if he was the last guy on Earth, it would not be a consideration. I told you, we have a history. Besides, he’s way out of my league anyway.”

Sofia actually laughed. “That boy is
not
out of your league. And there’s definitely something going on between the two of you. I can feel the energy between you. You can’t deny it.”

“The energy you feel is hatred and disgust.”

“Okay, whatever you say.” Sofia’s expression was dubious.

“Look, you don’t know what happened when we were in high school.”

“Care to enlighten me?”

I shook my head. “I don’t really like to talk about it.”

Sofia placed a hand on my upper arm. “Sometimes talking about it helps.”

But bottling it up inside was easier. “I think break’s over. We’d better get back inside.

***

We had one more session before lunch. Dr. Jones explained the curriculum
for the program and described some of the weekend activities where
we were expected to chaperone the students. We were going to be taking the kids on major overnight trips to New York City and Washington, DC as well as a number of day trips to historical sites around New Jersey. When I glanced over at Cameron, he was looking at me and he looked lost. If I didn’t know what an asshole he was, I might have felt sorry for him.

By the time we actually made it to lunch, I was starving. I filled my tray with French fries and a mustard/ketchup combin
ation that I loved and Sofia grabbed me by the elbow and led me over to a table she was sharing with Antonio.

“Nothing like eating healthy,” Sofia teased as I sat down.

“Potatoes are a vegetable and ketchup is made from tomatoes and they’re healthy.”

She rolled her eyes and picked at her salad.

“Does that even have dressing?” I asked.

“No,” she complained. “I’m on a diet.”

“You do not need to lose any weight,” Antonio said as he looked Sofia up and down. “You’ve got the right amount of everything in all the right places.”

Sofia grinned and then bit into a cucumber.

“Where’s your partner?” Antonio asked as I was about to pop a fry in my mouth.

I glanced around the cafeteria and pointed my fry at a table in the corner where Cameron was sitting by himself eating a ha
mburger.

“Why don’t you invite him to sit with us?” Antonio sugges
ted.

“I don’t think that’s a good idea,” I replied.

“Why not? It would be nice to have another guy to hang out with.”

I looked at Sofia to give me a hand but she just shrugged. I got the feeling that she was going to be taking Antonio’s side on things from now on.

When I saw Cameron glance around the room, I waved to get his attention. He gave me a strange look, like he wasn’t sure why I was waving at him. I gestured for him to come over and watched as he grabbed his tray and made his way over to us.

As he stood uncomfortably at the head of the table, Antonio said, “Hey, man. Want to sit with us?”

Without saying a word, Cameron took the seat next to Antonio, which was directly across from me.

“What’s up?” Antonio asked.

“Not much,” Cameron replied. He picked up what was left of his hamburger and lifted it to his mouth but then thought better of it and let it fall back on his plate.

“The food here sucks,” Antonio said. “I go to Rutgers. The food’s pretty good there.
Better than average. This is like dog shit.” Antonio pushed the pizza on his plate away from him in disgust.

Cameron nodded in agreement.

“So, where do you go to school?” Antonio asked.

Cameron shuffled in his seat. He looked uncomfortable. “I’m at the community college,” he muttered.

My jaw dropped. Cameron got a full scholarship for Penn State. How did he end up at the community college?

“That’s cool,” Antonio said.

“So, how do you know Dee Dee?” Sophia asked. I elbowed her in an effort to get her to stop but she just glared at me.

I stared at Cameron
in an effort to persuade him to keep his trap shut but he wasn’t looking at me. He was playing with the French fries on his tray.

“We went to high school together.” When Cameron glanced up at me, his green eyes looked flat and lifeless.

“That’s what Dee Dee said,” Sofia added. She eyed me as if she wanted me to elaborate. I knew she was digging for information but I wasn’t ready to dish it out yet. I never talked about Alex’s death and what happened to him his freshman year in high school. After a year of living with my roommate, Kellie, the only thing she knew was that Alex had died. She never asked for any details and I never volunteered any information.

I had a feeling that Sofia wasn’t going to give up that easily. I had known her for less than a day but I already knew she was the type of person that always got her way.

Antonio looked at me then he looked at Cameron. “Did the two of you date or something?”

I nearly spit out the French fry I had shoved into my mouth. “No,” I nearly shouted.

Cameron looked at Antonio. “No, man. It wasn’t anything like that.”

Antonio nodded but he was still looking back and forth b
etween us with a puzzled expression as if he was trying to figure what was going on.

Why would anyone think Cameron and I had dated? The idea was absurd.

“I’m a little freaked out about the trips we’ve got to chaperone,” Sofia admitted. “Especially taking high school kids to New York City. That seems like a recipe for disaster if you ask me.”

Antonio made a dismissive gesture. “They’re sixteen and se
venteen year olds. They’re going to be seniors in high school. It’s not like they’re little kids. I’m sure they’ll be fine.”

“I would be less nervous if they were little kids,” she replied. “Big kids can think of more creative ways to get in trouble.”

“You have a point,” I agreed.

Cameron cleared his throat and spoke. “These are kids from disadvantaged backgrounds. They had to work really hard to even be considered for this program. It’s an honor and it’s also a responsibility. I don’t think they’ll give us much trouble. I just don’t think they’d do anything to jeopardize their ability to finish the program and what it means for their futures. They’re not like spoiled rich kids
—”

“Who have
everything handed to them on a silver platter,” I interjected.

Cameron glanced at me and continued, “And
then throw it all away because they don’t appreciate it.”

Both Antonio and Sofia were wide-eyed. I don’t think they expected him to speak that bluntly. What they didn’t realize was that he was the spoiled rich kid he referred to in his speech. He once had everything and he didn’t appreciate it. Now it sounded like he
had lost it all.

When most of the other counselors started to grab their trays and head towards the exit, I figured it was time to get back to work.

“Guess lunch break is over,” Antonio said as he hopped out of his seat and grabbed his tray. Sofia followed him and that left Cameron and I seated at the table. I rose from my seat but then I thought I heard Cameron say, “Wait.”

He was looking up at me with his flat
green eyes. He swallowed and I waited for him speak. “I never told you how sorry I was.”

I folded my arms over my chest. “Sorry for what?” I wanted to know if he was just sorry for my brother dying or sorry for what he did—or both.

He gulped. “Sorry for everything.”

“That’s not good enough,” I spat as I turned and hurried away.

***

The afternoon sessions were a blur. All I could think about was Cameron’s lame attempt at an apology.
Sorry for everything
. That was nowhere close to being good enough. I wanted Cameron to admit what he had done. I wanted him to take responsibility for his actions and his role in my brother’s suicide. He was alive and my brother was dead and I wanted someone to blame—I needed someone to blame—and I wanted that someone to be Cameron.

***

At dinner I saw Cameron sit at the table with the two sorority girls.
Figures
. They were definitely his type and I had a feeling he’d eventually make his way over to them. I found out their names were Rachel and Renee. They looked so perfect-in-every-way, I wondered what obstacles they could have possibly had to overcome to be working with the College Bound program. Dr. Jones had said that was one of the criteria for getting hired. Somehow, I didn’t think breaking a manicured finger nail, or having a bad hair day, qualified as an obstacle.

I
placed my tray of greasy looking pizza next to Sofia’s. She had another salad and a yogurt. Antonio was brave and decided to try the lasagna.

As I plopped in the seat Antonio asked where Cameron was.

“How should I know?” I snapped.

Antonio looked like I had slapped him and I immediately felt bad.

“He is your partner,” he replied.

Sofia looked at me then looked at Antonio and pointed over to the corner table where Cameron was seated with Rachel and Renee. Antonio nodded in understanding then looked at me with soft eyes.

“Do you like him?” he asked. I thought it was a weird question coming from a guy.

“I hate him.”

I wasn’t even sure hate was the right word to describe my feelings for Cameron but it was the closest thing I had at the moment. My feelings ranged from revulsion, to bitterness and anger, to confusion and sometimes even fear. And I didn’t like myself very much when I was around him because of all the negative feelings I felt toward him. Sometimes I felt guilty about them, like I shouldn’t hate him as much as I did, like I shouldn’t carry so much rage against another person for so long. All of the negativity ate away at me, too. And seeing him, laughing with the sorority girls, made me feel as though all my negative feelings toward him didn’t matter anyway. He was going to go on with his life regardless of how I felt toward him.

“You know,” Sofia said. “There’s a fine line between love and hate.”

“Not in this case,” I blurted. “Believe me when I tell you
this is
all hate. There’s never been any love there and there never will be.”

“Whatever you say.”
The way Sofia cocked her eyebrows let me know that she didn’t believe me.

“So, tomorrow is Friday, you know what that means,” Ant
onio grinned with excitement.

“One day closer to the kids being here,” I replied.

Antonio frowned. “It’s time for us to let loose and party.”

“I refer back to my previous statement. The kids will be here early Saturday morning. Do you think it’s really a good idea for us to party Friday
night?”

“I don’t think it’s a
good
idea. I think it’s a
great
idea.” Antonio now had a big grin on his face.

Sofia turned to me. “Girl, you have to go out with us.”

I didn’t want to admit that if I went out with them, it would be the first time in my college career that I had actually done so. It would be the first time anyone had even bothered to ask me. 

“You have a definite maybe,” I said finally.