After Alex Died (2 page)

She continued, “You were all chosen as counselors for the program because you’ve had your share of challenges to overcome, just like the program participants. You’ve all managed to not only attend college but to do well despite the challenges you’ve faced. That’s the spirit of tenacity I want these kids to see in all of you. All of the students who participate in the College Bound Program are from low-income families and their parents have not attended college. The goal of the program is to give the students the skills necessary to succeed in college and to help them realize that they are capable of doing well at the college level. I want the students to understand they don’t have to be defined by their pasts. I want them to know that they can not only go to college but also succeed.

“I have a packet for each of you. It explains a little about the history of the College Bound Program and what your responsibi
lities will be. You’ve each been assigned a partner who you’ll work with for the next six weeks. You and your partner will have a group of six students who are your responsibility. Their parents have entrusted us with their children and we have entrusted them to you. I hope you will take that responsibility seriously.”

My heart sank when it occurred to me that when she said partner I was most likely going to be paired with Cameron. After all, he was assigned to a room on the same floor as me.

My worst fear was realized when she read the partners from the sheet she was holding. Cameron and I were assigned to lead the same group and we were expected to work closely for the next six weeks. Dr. Jones asked everyone to move into a seat next to their partners and I could see Sofia give me a grin when she moved over to sit with her partner, Antonio, an attractive Latino who was grinning just as widely when he saw her.

Cameron made his way over to me and we both stared at each other.

“I want you all to get to know your partners,” Dr. Jones announced. “You’ll have to learn to rely on each other and trust each other.”

I shook my head. I just couldn’t do it. There was no way I could spend the summer with Cameron and there sure as
Hell was no way I could be his partner. If he was the last person on Earth I couldn’t rely on him and I certainly would never trust him.

I hurried out of the room and made it partially down the hallway before I burst into tears.

I could hear two sets of footsteps coming down the hall after me. When I looked up Dr. Jones was glaring at me, and Cameron was standing right behind her, gawking at me.

“What’s going on?” Dr. Jones’s tone was harsher than I e
xpected. She was one tough woman, no doubt about that. It made me wonder what her story was. People usually didn’t end up that tough without some kind of story. 

“I can’t work with him,” I managed to sputter between sobs.

Dr. Jones placed her hands on her hips. Her eyes narrowed. “Why not?”

I was about to
reveal the whole story but then I stopped. I gulped it all back and pushed it down my throat. “I just can’t.”

Dr. Jones shook her head. “Not good enough. Do you want this job or not?”

It wasn’t a matter of want it was a matter of need. I didn’t have anywhere else to go. “Yes,” I muttered.

“Yes, what?”
Dr. Jones pushed.

“Yes, I want the job.”

Dr. Jones looked at Cameron. “And what about you? Do you have a problem working with Deidre?”

“Everyone calls me Dee
Dee,” I interjected.

Dr. Jones glared at me again. I wasn’t doing anything to e
ndear myself to her, that was for sure.

“Do you have any problem working with Dee
Dee?” The way she emphasized Dee Dee made it sound like I was in kindergarten being scolded by the teacher.

Cameron merely shrugged.

That made Dr. Jones cross her toned arms over her chest. “A shrug is not an appropriate response to my question. When I ask a question, I expect a proper response. Got it?”

“Yes,” Cameron said. His voice was still soft and unsure. This meek Cameron was so unlike the cocky boy I remember from high school.

“Now, I’ll repeat my question. Do you have a problem working with Dee Dee?”

Cameron’s eyes flashed to me then back to Dr. Jones. After a moment, he said, “No.”

I glared at him and he looked away.

Dr. Jones turned back toward me. “Well, Cameron is required to be here and it sounds like you want to be here, so the two of you need to find a way to work it out.”

“Is there any way you can pair me with someone else? Anyone else.”

Dr. Jones shook her head. “A lot of thought went into which teams would be working with which kids. All of the rooms have been assigned based on the teams. It’s too late to change them now.”

I heaved a long, slow sigh. Was there any way I could survive working with Cameron Connelly? At the moment, the idea was unfathomable but I didn’t seem to have any other options.

“Okay,” I said finally, although the words felt like a death sentence.

“Fine. I expect the two of you to work out whatever problems there are and I don’t want there to be any trouble. Got it?”

Cameron and I both nodded.

“Got it?” Dr. Jones repeated loudly.

“Yes, Dr. Jones,” Cameron and I stated simultaneously. A shiver ran through me when Cameron’s gaze met mine and I felt like I was going to be sick. Some of Cameron’s evil words to my brother echoed through my head.
Gay boys like you don’t deserve to live
.
      I could feel a bead of sweat run down my face and I quickly swiped it away with the back of my hand. Cameron’s eyes were fixated on the back of my wrist, probably trying to figure out what my tattoo said. After Alex died, I had the back of both of my wrists inked. My left wrist says:
Born This Way
with Alex’s date of birth. My right wrist says:
It Gets Better
with the date Alex died. Not only did I want to honor Alex with two of his favorite things, the Lady GaGa song and the organization for gay kids who face harassment, I also felt like I had a permanent reminder of my brother and carried him with me wherever I went. And to be honest, I also knew if I inked my wrists, I would be less likely to cut them when I had the urge to die, which was more often than I wanted to admit. I know there are many ways to kill myself but at least I have eliminated that option. And since I don’t have access to a gun that option is out, too. Survivors of suicide, like me, are a high risk group. Even though we know what it’s like to have a loved one die by suicide many of us still think about doing it ourselves.

As much as I wanted to die sometimes, I still wanted to live more. I often wondered what it took for Alex to tip the scales and finally decide that death was better than life. The night of Homecoming was bad.
Really bad. What Cameron and his friends did was unforgiveable. Was it the last straw after weeks of harassment? When did he decide that things might not get better? Or maybe he just couldn’t wait for them to
eventually
get better? They were all questions I would never get answers to. 

“Are you ready to go back into the classroom?” Dr. Jones’s question brought me back to the present moment.

“Sure,” I lied. I wanted to go back to my dorm room, pull the shades closed, listen to some depressing music and sulk. I had gotten so skilled at sulking, it had become like a hobby. I spent most of my freshman year of college doing it. I was lucky to have a good-looking roommate with loose morals and lots of friends. She spent nearly every night in a room other than the one we shared.

“Remember what I said.” Dr. Jones glanced back and forth between Cameron
and I. “I don’t want any trouble.”

Dr. Jones turned on her heels and marched down the hallway toward the classroom. I was surprised how fast she could walk considering her size and the fact
that she was in three-inch heels. Even Cameron was having difficulty keeping up with her.

All of the other pairs of counselors seemed to be having fun, talking and laughing. When I glanced at Sofia, she was smiling as she touched Antonio’s shoulder. Dr. Jones hadn’t stated explicitly that counselors couldn’t have relationships with each other but it was certainly implied in her speech. The way Sofia and Antonio were interacting with each other, I thought they might hook up even before the end of counselor orientation.

Cameron and I took seats in the back corner of the room facing each other. Cameron was looking down at the laces of his Nike sneakers. We sat in silence for what felt like an hour but when I glanced at the clock on the wall not even a minute had gone by. We still had 20 more minutes until the end of the session and our break. Those 20 minutes were going to feel like 20 years if one of us didn’t say something.

Finally, I cleared my throat and Cameron glanced up at me. His green eyes seemed to hold something I wasn’t expecting: anguish and defeat. I knew those eyes. I had seen them in the mirror staring back at me more times than I could count.

I just couldn’t fathom how those anguished eyes had gotten on Cameron, the star of our high school basketball team, the big man on campus. In high school, he exuded so much confidence he was often perceived as being cocky. How could someone like Cameron possibly feel defeated?

But he looked as broken as I felt.

“So,” I managed to mutter. My throat still felt dry and the words were hard to get out. “We’re supposed to be getting acquainted with each other.”

Cameron nodded but he didn’t offer anything else. He just stared at me. I didn’t know whether he was waiting for me to say something about myself
, or if I was supposed to ask him a question. I kind of liked it better when he was staring down at his shoelaces.

“Are you still playing basketball?”

He shook his head then turned away. His eyes were moist and it looked like he was blinking back tears. He swallowed then cleared his throat.

I waited to see if he would say anything else but he didn’t elaborate. My head was spinning out of control. It was bad enough to be sitting across from Cameron Connelly, one of the three people in the world I absolutely despised. But to be sitting across from Cameron and
seeing him be a person I didn’t even recognize was completely blowing my mind. I needed someone to hate. Someone to be a target for all of my rage. And the cocky jocks,
Cameron and his friends,
had
always fit the bill.

“So you didn’t go to Penn State?” I remembered hearing that he had gotten a full basketball scholarship. It had been all over the local news.

Cameron shook his head again. The conversation was so one-sided it was in danger of toppling over but it didn’t seem like Cameron was going to participate any more than absolutely necessary.

“I just finished my freshman year here.” I thought maybe talking about me instead of him might elicit more of a response.

“I know.”

How in the world did he know that? How did he know an
ything about me? Or even care?

“My mom moved out of town. She sold the house and got a condo close to The Shore.” I’m not sure why I mentioned that. I guess it was still bothering me and I really didn’t have anyone to talk to about it.

“My parents kicked me out. I’ve been living with my brother in Pennsylvania.”

That shocked me. When we were in high school, Cameron’s parents were his biggest fans. I remembered going to basketball games and his mom and dad would be wearing matching
T-shirts with Cameron’s photo on the front.

“My mom got a one-bedroom condo,” I admitted. It still hurt.

“That’s harsh.”

I shrugged. “I’m an adult. She said she needed to cut down on expenses. I get it.”

A look of realization seemed to cross his face. “So that’s why you said you needed this job. Free room and board.”

I put my index finger to my nose.

“I’m not as dumb as I look,” Cameron joked.
Dumb
was the last thing you’d ever say Cameron looked. He was one of the guys every girl wanted to date in high school. Tall, muscular, blond with flawless features and a winning smile, he was the complete package. Everyone thought he’d make millions of dollars not just playing professional sports but getting tons of endorsement deals. He was the type of all-American looking guy you’d imagine being on a cereal box.

“That doesn’t explain why you’re here. You’ve got a place to live.”

He swallowed then rubbed his forehead. He suddenly looked uncomfortable. “I needed a way to finish my probation hours quickly so I could accept a scholarship at a school up in Boston. My probation officer hooked me up with his gig.”

Anxiety poured through me as I thought about why he was on probation. All the memories of Homecoming and Alex’s suicide came flooding back. My breath caught as I fought back a sob.

Cameron was staring at his shoelaces again and I knew the conversation was over. Luckily it was almost time for our break.

***

I stood out in the warm sun trying to clear my head. As I took a deep breath of the humid air, I could feel someone grab my shoulders from behind. Sofia came around in front of me and gave me a broad smile.