ALWAYS FAITHFUL (18 page)

C
laire sat on the front porch watching Grace play on the lawn. Her mind wandered back to the day Nic left. Nic had told her she loved her, and all Claire could think to do was chalk it up to stress.
God how stupid could I be?
Why hadn’t she just told Nic the truth? That she was falling in love with her, too. Because Nic had her whole career ahead of her, and Claire couldn’t be part of that journey with her and she knew it. She wasn’t going to ask Nic to give up everything she worked so hard for just for her. She wasn’t going to take advantage of Nic’s feelings. As soon as she buried Mike, she had thirty days to clear quarters and start her new life and Nic couldn’t be part of that life. No, she had been right not to tell Nic how she felt. Claire heard the door shut behind her and turned to see Jordan offering her a cup of coffee.

“Hey you.Whatcha thinking about?”

“Hey Jor. Nothing.” Sipping her coffee, Claire stared at Grace as she somersaulted on the lawn, giggling.

“How come I don’t believe you, kitten?”

“Because you know me so well?”

Jordan put an arm around Claire’s shoulders and pulled her close. “What’s wrong sweetie? Is it Nic?”

Claire laid her head on her friend’s shoulder and shrugged. “I don’t know. I think I might have screwed things up.”

Jordan thought back to the day Nic went to look for Claire on her bike. “I don’t think you can get rid of tall, dark and gorgeous that easily. But it must have been pretty bad if you think she’s gone. What did you say?”

Claire rehashed the conversation she had with Nic. Thinking about it only succeeded in making her feel worse. Claire started to tear up at how she had downplayed Nic’s revelation that she was in love with her.

“I was so callous, Jordan. I completely dismissed her feelings,” Claire said, staring at her hands.

“Well, maybe you’re scared, kitten.”

“What do mean? Scared of what?”

“Let me ask you this. Do you like her?”

“Of course. She’s wonderful, smart, sexy as hell and let’s not forget she looks hot in that uniform. What’s not to like? Then there is Grace to think about, Nic is great with Grace. You should have seen them the night Nic came to tell me about the Marine Corps losing Mike’s body. I found her asleep with Grace in the rocking chair. They were so cute together. Like mother and child. Besides, she loves Grace and Grace loves her. Oh Jordan, what am I going to do?” Claire plucked a piece of grass growing between the stones and rolled it absently between her fingers.

“Okay, so don’t answer this right away, but is it possible that you are falling in love with her, too? Now, answer honestly. It’s just you and me here.”

Claire closed her eyes and started to rub her temples. Hadn’t she just told herself that she thought she was falling for Nic? So why was it so hard to admit it out loud? It wasn’t like Jordan was going to tell her little secrets. Even if she did, what did it matter now that Mike was gone and soon, Nic would be too?

“You’re right, I am scared, Jor.” She was scared Nic would pick the military over her. Scared that if she let Nic know how she really felt that it wouldn’t really matter to her. Hadn’t Mike chosen his career over his family? Not that what she wanted with Nic was the same as what she had with Mike. Convenience versus love, the two things couldn’t be more different than heaven and hell.

“Do you love her, Claire?”

“Yeah, I do. And I know she has a career here and that I can’t be part of that. So if I tell her how I feel, I’m just opening myself up to be hurt.” Claire buried her face in her crossed arms and started to cry.

“Aw, sweetie.”

###

“Thank you, Private. I appreciate the loan of the phone,” Nic said passing the cell phone back to the private who had loaned it to her when they landed to refuel.

“No luck, Major?”

“No. I guess the Captain’s wife is out. I left a message. Thanks.”

Nic had hoped to talk to Claire and at least let her know that she had something important to talk to her about when she returned. Instead, she got Claire’s voice mail and ended up leaving a message that only said something about an important change in Nic’s life. She sighed and rested her head against the wall for a moment, thinking about all that needed to be done when she arrived back on base.

She needed to talk to her commander about her decision, start looking for a job, and find where she wanted to live. She decided that she would stay in the Marine Corps Reserve so that some money continued to come in while she figured out what to do next. She had a friend who taught counter-terrorism classes at the Naval Postgraduate School in Monterey, California. He had been after her for some time to consider teaching there. Maybe now was the time. Her background and experience made her a good fit for the school and she loved the area. San Diego was fine for a while, but it took a special someone to be able to handle all that traffic.

Finally, Nic felt like her life had some direction. She realized she had felt like a ship without a rudder, floundering while her body healed and she waited for the military to finally decide what to do with her, and she hated it. Now she was in control. Nic continued her mental list of all the things she needed to do when she got back. She knew what she wanted and she knew who she wanted to be with. Looking in her briefcase, she grabbed her dead cell phone and tapped on the keys. God, how could she have been so forgetful and not charged the darn thing?

All she wanted to do was to call Claire and tell her the news, and ask her if she wanted to be part of it.
Three more hours.
Three more hours and she would start a new path that, hopefully, included Claire and Grace.
What if she doesn’t want me?
She couldn’t silence the nagging voice. She knew she needed to prepare herself for that possibility. Claire hadn’t exactly seemed happy to hear Nic’s revelation the last time they had talked. Closing her eyes and resting her head against the aircraft, she felt her chest tighten.
What will I do if Claire has different plans?
Nic felt her elation darken as she thought about all the possibilities. Now that she was finally taking control over her life again, she had to admit to herself that she wasn’t in control of the one thing she wanted most, Claire.

“Major, we’re ready for take off. Can I get you anything before we close the hatch?”

“No, Private, but thanks,” Nic said, knowing he couldn’t get her the one thing she really needed.

Nodding, the young serviceman walked back and pushed the button that would shut the huge hydraulic door and move Nic closer to her final destination.

“M
a’am. Major Caldwell?” Nic felt someone shaking her shoulder as she jerked awake.

“Sorry ma’am, but we are on our final approach to the base and you need to buckle-up.”

Nic couldn’t believe that she had fallen asleep in the oversized mixer and looking down, she noticed she was covered in the blanket the private had given her earlier.

“Thanks, Private,” Nic mumbled as she folded the blanket and smoothed her uniform.

“Ma’am, the funeral detail will be waiting when we land. Is there anything else you need?”

“No. Please thank the crew for me and thank you for the use of the phone and the blanket.” Nic smiled as she made sure her things were stowed for landing.

“Ma’am, I just want to say that Captain Monroe’s family was lucky to have you as a friend, seeing that you came all this way to bring him home. I hope if something happens to me, someone will do the same for my family.”

“Private, nothing is going to happen to you so you don’t have to worry. But trust me, if something happens to you, there will be someone just like me waiting to take you home. Understand Marine?” Nic’s eyes started to water as she reached down and grabbed her service cap. “Besides, you don’t have my permission to die, Private,” she said as she tucked a stray strand of hair back in place.

“Yes ma’am.”

“Good, now that we have an understanding, let’s get Captain Monroe home to his family.”

“Yes ma’am.”

Nic watched as the private strapped himself into his own seat. He couldn’t have been much younger that the crew chief she lost in her helicopter accident. Her throat tightened as she thought about the men and their families. Looking down at the flag draped casket, she knew that those feelings would be with her every time she saw this very image.

As the aircraft rolled to a stop Nic gathered her briefcase and overnight bag and set them in the seat next to her. Standing, she took up position at the head of the casket and watched as the back door was lowered. Waiting for them at the end of the plane was a full military funeral detail in dress uniform. Slowly, Nic raised her salute as the honor guard entered the bay of the plane. Each member walked in synchronized step moving into position next to the casket. Upon command, they lifted Mike’s body up and slowly moved him towards the back of the plane. Nic followed the procession and, on reaching the tarmac, noticed that the crew of the plane had disembarked and was standing at attention, saluting their fellow soldier. The flag draped casket was passed slowly into the hearse and, as the doors shut, each service member slowly dropped their salute. Nic could hear a few sniffles as she reached up to wipe her own eyes. Now it was real, now she had to tell Claire that Mike was back for good.

Nic stood there for a moment looking at the stars and stripes peeking through the back window of the hearse. Claire could get real closure now that Mike’s funeral could be arranged. Nic had never gotten that closure for herself. For a time, she had half expected to see her crew come walking through the door any minute to tell her it was all a really bad joke, but it never happened. Her scars were real, and her pain was real. It wasn’t until she visited Arlington and saw the headstones of a few of her crewmen that she knew it was real. Nic choked back her tears. Now came the hard part. The family, the funeral, the finality.

“Major Caldwell, when you’re ready.” The funeral director motioned to the hearse.

“Of course.” Nic turned and nodded to the private who had lingered a moment longer.

“Good night, Private and good luck.”

“You, too, Major Caldwell.” Standing straight, the young man saluted smartly.

Shaking her head, Nic smiled and returned the salute. Then she got into the hearse.

C
laire dried herself off as she stood in front of the bathroom mirror. Nic was due back anytime and she was surprised she hadn’t heard from her. Mike’s family had called and informed Claire that they had arrived and were staying at a local hotel. They had brought everyone and there was no way they could stay at Claire’s, but she had offered anyway. Luckily, they had already made the hotel arrangements when Claire had called the first time to inform them of Mike’s death. Claire and Mike’s mom got along, but they would never be “shopping buddies” as Mike’s mom liked to call Gail, Claire’s sister-in-law. It was just as well. Claire wasn’t much of a shopper, and the highlight of her day didn’t involve finding the best deal on Monteau’s clearance rack.

Dressing, Claire poked her head out the bathroom door. “Hey Jordan, did my phone ring while I was in the shower?”

“Nope. I didn’t hear it. Did you hear it Gracie?”

Claire heard a little voice echo Jordan’s negative answer and then a squeal of delight as Jordan and Grace started wrestling on the floor again. Claire was thankful Jordan had decided to come uninvited. She was a good diversion for Grace as Claire made the arrangements to clear housing. Walking back into her bedroom, Claire sidestepped half-full boxes of Mike’s stuff. She had started to separate his things into items that she thought her mother-in-law might like to take with her when she left and other stuff that she would give to the local thrift shop on base. Looking around, she couldn’t see her cell phone so she started a mad hunt for her purse, hopeful that it was in there and not somewhere Grace had hidden it.

“Hey, have you two seen my purse? I need to check my cell phone.”

“It was on the counter last time I saw it,” Jordan said as she wrestled Grace to the floor, the three year old squealing all the way down.

“Yeah, it was on the counter last time I saw it,” Grace said as she licked Jordan’s face.

“Yuk. Where did you learn that?” Jordan said as she wiped her face with her sleeve.

“It’s a cow lick, silly, and I knew you would get off me if I did that. Ha!” Grace said as she scrambled out from under Jordan and ran to her room.

“Yuk. Who taught her that, gross,” Jordan said, still wiping her face as she went into the kitchen to find Claire.

Claire had her cell phone to her ear and a finger to her mouth motioning Jordan to be quiet. A look of concern etched its way across Claire’s face as she lowered the phone and looked at Jordan.

“That was Nic. It seems something’s happened to her and she needs to talk to me. Jordan, what do you think that means? Oh God, I bet she’s being shipped overseas again, or maybe she’s being reassigned somewhere else! Shit.”

Claire flung herself onto the couch and covered her eyes with her arm. It was the worst news possible. First Mike, now Nic. What else could happen? Claire felt her chest tighten and a knot grow in her throat as she started to cry.

“Wait, wait, wait. You don’t know what that means so don’t jump to anything just yet. Come on. What else did she say?”

“She said she needed to talk to me, and if she didn’t hear back from me, then she understood.”

Claire ran back into the kitchen and grabbed her phone.

“What are you doing?”

“Checking to see what time Nic called. Shit.”

Sliding to the floor, tears trailed down Claire’s face as she closed her eyes tight, trying to shut out the world. As she took a shuddered breath, she felt Jordan sit next to her wrapping her arms around her.

“When did she call?”

“Five hours ago, five fucking hours ago. Damn it! I’m sure she thinks I don’t want to talk to her now. She said they were three hours out and that I should call her, then. Oh, God.”

Claire rocked back and forth and tried to figure out what to do next. Why didn’t I have my cell phone with me? She berated herself repeatedly for not having the annoying little device. Burying her head in her hands, she began to cry.

“Why? Why? Why?” Claire was sobbing now. “Jordan, what am I going to do?”

“Look, it isn’t the end of the world. We can try to give her a call and tell her we didn’t get the message. Here, give me the phone and let’s try, okay?”

Handing Jordan the phone, Claire sat transfixed as Jordan dialed Nic’s number. Claire could hear the ringing of the phone as Jordan held it away from her face. Claire relaxed as she heard Nic’s voice.

“Claire, it’s her answering machine. Do you want me to leave a message?”

Claire felt like someone had punched her in the stomach. Obviously, Nic didn’t want to talk to her or she would have seen the number and picked up. Crestfallen, Claire picked herself up off the floor and shook her head no.

“No, I’m sure she can see my number on her phone. She knows it’s me and doesn’t want to talk to me. Forget it.”

Claire sprawled herself on the couch flinging her arm over her face. Tears slowly crept from beneath the tightly closed eyes and Claire could no longer stop them from falling.
What will I do now?
Why hadn’t she just told Nic how she felt? Nic made her feel loved, wanted, and special. No one had ever made her feel that way, not her first girlfriend, not Carole in college, and especially not Mike. Nic was different. Nic made her tingle. She made her giddy. She knew it sounded stupid, but she liked feeling giddy. Claire felt the couch lower with Jordan’s weight as she lay next to Claire and wrapped her arms around her.

“It will be alright, kitten. I just know it,” Jordan whispered.