Ant Farm: And Other Desperate Situations (2 page)

5. If Ivan figures out somehow that the other children have been faking their fits, the children must be taken out of school until Ivan has one of his major breakdowns and loses his recent memory.

6. No matter whose party it is, Ivan always blows out the candles and opens all the presents.

Thank you,
Mrs. Billings

our thoughts are with you

Dear Mrs. Matthews,

I am writing to express my deepest sympathies. I shared your last note with Caleb’s classmates and they made a card (which I have enclosed). Ten funerals in three weeks is a lot to ask of any child, let alone a child like Caleb, who has already suffered so many family deaths this month. At first, as humiliating as it is to admit, I thought your son had forged the notes. But denial quickly gave way to grief. I understand he has another funeral to attend on Wednesday and that it will last until Friday. Please let him know that he can take as much time off as he needs. I would volunteer to drop off Caleb’s homework myself, but I understand that your house recently exploded. Of all the tragedies that have befallen your family, this one saddened me the most. For a house to
suddenly explode, without warning, destroying a child’s backpack and books, is very upsetting, particularly in the midst of your High Voodoo Holidays.

I was also deeply saddened to learn that your son had suffered brain damage and could no longer complete his social studies assignments. To be hit with such a misfortune, on top of Tourette’s, is a blow to any child’s self-esteem, especially when that child is retarded.

Incidentally, I understand that Caleb has recently taken on some serious community service projects. I totally understand Caleb’s devotion to the blind, particularly in light of his own blindness. But I’m worried that his extracurricular activities might interfere with his school-work, especially on top of the pressures of his upcoming Voodoo Bar Mitzvah. Of course, it’s your decision.

I would also like to take this opportunity to congratulate you on your son’s recent achievement! To be named an FBI super-spy at such a young age is an amazing accomplishment, particularly for a child who suffers from so many varied forms of brain damage. He hasn’t told me much about his mission, but from what I gather it sounds like an incredible opportunity. I’m going to miss his presence in the classroom next year, but it would be selfish of me to stand in his way. Caleb’s country needs him more than I do. He belongs in Russia.

Rest assured: I haven’t told anyone about Caleb’s mission, not even the principal. I am honored that Caleb felt he could trust me with top secret information, and I would
never
betray that trust.

Godspeed,
Mr. Marks

math problems

U
NIT
4 T
EST
Please show your work
.

1. A name-brand bottle of rum costs $12.95. The generic brand sells for $7.50. If a math teacher buys 4 bottles of generic rum each week, how much does he save each month? How much does he save each year? How much money does the teacher save over the course of 11 years?

2. A math teacher’s new apartment is approximately 12 ft. long and 5 ft. wide, and the bathroom takes up 50% of the apartment. A normal human-size bed is 6 ft. × 3 ft. Does the math teacher have enough room for a standard bed? Or will he have to sleep in some kind of dog bed?

3. By order of the high courts, a math teacher must keep 1,000 ft. away from his ex-wife at all times. Say, theoretically, she lives on 63rd and York, exactly halfway between the math teacher’s apartment and his school. How far out of his way does the teacher have to walk every morning just to keep from getting arrested?

4. After 11 years of service, a math teacher receives an $80 gift certificate to Shaw’s Gas in lieu of a raise. How much of that money will be left after taxes? Express in bottles of rum.

5. A math teacher is frightened 95% of the time. How many hours a day is he frightened? What is he so afraid of?

II

:(

i used 2 B a typical teenage girl, gossiping with my gal friends on the weekends (I luv U guys!) throwing slumber parties (zzzzzzz!) That was B4 i contracted hepatitis C.

Sometimes i ask myself, “Y? Y has the lord 4saken me? R U there God? Have U 4gotten me?” i’m trying 2 B positive, but it’s hard when U know that your death is a 4gone conclusion. It’s only a matter of time B4 my D4med liver ceases 2 function 4ever.

My innards R swarming w/2morous growths & the pain is excruci8ing. i no longer have any will 2 live. 2morrow i’ll B sed8ed 4 the oper8ion. Secretly, i hope i don’t come 2.

i’ve decided 2 stop praying. Y should I? i h8 god. He sh@ on me & i h8 him.

All i can do now is w8 4 death.

:(

if life were like middle school

JUDGE
: In all my years on the bench, I have never seen a more despicable criminal. You robbed, assaulted, and tortured the victim simply for the thrill of it. Do you have anything to say in your defense before I sentence you?

CRIMINAL
: Nope.

JUDGE
: In that case, I hereby sentence you to forty years in a maximum security prison. I also sentence the victim to forty years in prison.

VICTIM
: Wait—
what?
That doesn’t make any sense!
He
attacked we!

JUDGE
: I don’t care who started it.

pen pal

In seventh grade, everyone in my class was assigned a foreign pen pal. Mine was from Bulgaria, and his name was Bojidar. We exchanged letters once a month, and at the end of the year we wrote reports about each other’s countries based on what we had learned. Here is his report:

L
IFE IN THE
USA
By Bojidar

Of all the boys in the United States, Simon is the most popular. Simon is especially very popular with the girls at his school. I am very lucky that I was assigned the pen pal Simon, because it turns out that he is a very important American!

To the American girls, Simon is like a matador. They
carry around in their pockets pictures of his face, and they trade the pictures to each other like they are currency. Rebecca, the most beautiful girl in America, wants to be his girlfriend but she does not say anything to him about it because she is afraid he will say no. The girls are impressed with Simon because (1) he does very well at all the videogames, and (2) he knows all the facts about the planets in outer space.

The cool things to wear in America are sweatpants, hand-me-down T-shirts, and big braces on your mouth and head. Another cool thing is to wear Velcro shoes. Here is a photograph of my pen pal. The average height for a thirteen-year-old boy in the United States is four feet five inches tall. So although he is small by the Bulgarian standard, in the United States, Simon is a boy of average size.

In the United States, a normal thing for boys is to go to a speech doctor every day after school to learn how to make the
l, s, r
, and
t
sounds. This is not something that is weird in the United States.

In the United States, a cool thing is to listen to songs from the Disney movies, such as
Aladdin, Small Mermaid
, and
Beauty and Beast
. Here is an example about that: One time my pen pal was listening to a tape of Disney songs on a Walkman machine, and Trevor, the leader
of the lacrosse team, opened the machine and saw that the tape inside was
Small Mermaid
. There were a lot of girls from the school standing near them also. When Trevor looked at the tape, he said something like “That is a normal thing for a boy to be listening to, you are a cool guy.” Then Trevor and the girls came over to Simon’s house and they all listened to the Disney songs together and became friends. That is how things work in America.

a fantasy i had in seventh grade

Dear seventh graders,

Congratulations to all of the students who passed the Presidential Fitness Test! In three weeks, you will be engaged in warfare with the enemies of the United States.

I’d like to give special kudos to football co-captains Lance and Trevor, who both scored above the 90th percentile. You’ll be going directly to the front lines.

Unfortunately, those of you who scored beneath the 35th percentile will not be allowed to participate in this war. You will, however, get to help out with strategizing—i.e., deciding which soldiers go on the most dangerous missions.

Also, I have been informed that while some of you lack athletic ability, you are very talented at computer simulation games. I cannot tell you how highly these skills are
prized in today’s modern army. Next week, we will be having a Presidential Videogame Fitness Test. Anyone who scores higher than 7,000 points on Crystal Quest will be given control of the entire Western Front. Anyone who scores higher than 8,000 points will become President.

Good luck to you all,
The President

inside the cartridge

Street Fighting Man, copyright © 1987 by Nintendo
Scene: Jump Kick Boulevard

—How many dead?

—Fifty.

—Christ. Exactly the same as yesterday. How’s morale?

—Terrible. It’s like we’re not even trying out there. We don’t stand a chance against … well … you know.

—(shuddering) He-Who-Is-Dressed-Differently.

—He’s immortal, and I’ll swear to that. Today he stopped in midstride and began to punch the air. Five of our brothers walked directly into his moving fist. One by one, they fell to the ground and vanished.

—There is no God.

—Every day he defeats us in the exact same sequence, using the exact same maneuvers.

—And that music. It never stops!

—The same sixteen notes, over and over again, droning and endless, piercing through the darkened void. (hushed) Sometimes he brings a companion to help him with his murders.

—Their blows hurt us but not each other!

—It is as if God has chosen us alone for misery.

—(sobbing) Why does he rush through our town so quickly?

—I believe he’s going for a record of some kind. It has to do with points.

—Sweet Lord!

—It’s not enough for him to simply take our lives. He must also take our honor.

—You would think by now he would have grown tired of this battle. Surely the challenge is gone!

—And yet the genocide continues.

—Was it always like this, brother?

—I do not know.

(Time pauses without warning for three and a half
minutes, then resumes seamlessly.)

—Hold me, brother, I’m frightened!

—(punches him in the face) I’m sorry. That seems to be the only action I’m capable of.

—I only have two hits left.

THE END

rebellion

Unfortunately, I started rebelling against my parents at around the same time I developed body odor.

—Son, I strongly suggest that you start wearing deodorant.

—Fuck you, Dad. I’ve got bigger plans.

—Please, son, I’m not the only one who feels strongly about this. Your teachers sent me a letter by messenger. It was signed by some of your classmates.

—Give the Man whatever he wants, right, Dad? Always obey the Man. That’s your great philosophy of life.

—Yes, that’s fine, son. Listen. It’s really bad. The smell is really bad.

—Hey, Dad, guess what? I’m not going to synagogue anymore.

—Okay … Please, son, I bought you these different kinds of deodorant. If you don’t like any of them, I’ll go back to the store and buy you more kinds. Hey, here’s a cool one. It’s for athletes.

—I’m moving out! I’m going to live under the overpass! Some of those people fought in
wars
, Dad. You didn’t fight in any wars.

—Okay, that’s… All that’s fine. Please put this on, son. You … you carry my name.

what goes through my mind when i’m home alone (from my mom’s perspective)

Hmm, Mom left me home alone. Better go through the medicine cabinet and drink all the medicine for no reason. Wait, what’s this? A note telling me not to “drink any medicines”? Thank God! I was about to do that. I was about to drink all the medicines and kill myself because I’m retarded.

Well, I better use the stove and then not turn it off. That way, I’ll burn down the house and kill myself. Wait a minute. There’s a note that says I should “turn off the stove after using it.” Jesus Christ, that never would have occurred to me! Mom saved my life again, twice in one night.

Well, better throw things out the window, something I haven’t done since I was seven. I’m fifteen years old, but I haven’t matured at all. I still need to be reminded constantly
about how to get through the day. What? A note? Guess I shouldn’t “throw objects out the window” after all. There go my big plans.

Ah … dinnertime. There’s a Tupperware container full of pasta in the fridge, but it’s cold! How will I ever heat it up? I guess I’ll just starve and die because I’m not competent enough to warm pasta. Whoa! A note telling me to put the container in the microwave and press
EASY MINUTE
! Thanks, note! You saved my life.

I hope that when my mom comes home she asks me some very specific, humiliating questions about my changing body.

————————————————
i can only think of two scenarios
where high school math
would come in handy

1