Ant Farm: And Other Desperate Situations (8 page)

Okay, another thing. Yesterday, on the battlefield, there was some confusion about the location of the blade.
If the logo is facing you, the blade is the third instrument on the right side of the knife
. It looks like the tweezers, but it’s actually the one just above the tweezers. This is really important to remember.

Let’s have a moment of silence to mourn all the men who died today.

Okay. One more thing: I can see that many of you have accidentally cut yourselves while trying to open your knives. Listen, this happens sometimes, it’s just another part of war and army life. But try to be careful.

Tobias, how’s the fire coming? Still sawing down the tree? Okay. Remember to be careful with that saw, Tobias. Just because it’s little doesn’t mean it isn’t sharp.

All right, men, it looks like we have some more time before dinner. And as long as you’re all here, I’d like to talk to you about respect. During weapons inspection, I noticed that many of you have lost your toothpicks. This is unacceptable. The toothpick is part of the Swiss Army knife. Yes, I know, it comes out. But that’s not an excuse to lose it.

All right, that’s it. Get some rest. Tomorrow we wage war.

——————————————————
how i imagine life in the u.s. army

(based on the commercials i’ve seen)

GENERAL STONE
: All right, men, listen up! Our nation is at war, and the whole world is counting on us to protect freedom. That leaves us with just one option.

BOB
: Rock climbing?

GENERAL STONE
: Exactly. There’s a steep mountain in the middle of an unpopulated desert. We need someone to go there by himself, climb the mountain, and put a flag on the top.

BOB
: I’ll do it.

GENERAL STONE
: Excellent! Here’s the flag.

BOB
: Cool.

GENERAL STONE
: All right, let’s see. We also need someone to ride a Jet Ski. How about you, Jackson?

JACKSON
: I don’t know, General, I’m sort of afraid of getting hurt. Can I stay here and work on computers?

GENERAL
: Yes. Everybody who wants to can stay here and work on computers.

BRIAN
: General?

GENERAL
: What’s up?

BRIAN
: Can I take a break? I kind of want to go to college.

GENERAL
: No problem, here’s thirty thousand dollars in cash.

BRIAN
: Great, thanks.

GENERAL
: Okay, men, that’s it for the day.

JACKSON
: Hey, look! It’s my friends and family.

FRIENDS AND FAMILY
: Hey, nice uniform. We’re proud of you.

JACKSON
: Thanks. See you in a couple of weeks.

FRIENDS AND FAMILY
: Yeah, see you then.

————
how did
all those fun army chants
get started?

—I don’t know, but I’ve been told this next mission is suicide. Is it true?

—I don’t know, John. But I’ve been told the same thing.

—I don’t know. I’ve been told a mine exploded next to Brian’s ear on the last mission.

—Sound off?

—Yep. He went deaf.

—One, two?

—Uh-huh. Both ears.

—Three, four?

—Four, Shawn. Four dead.

—I don’t know, but I’ve been told we’re not going home for a long time.

—————————————
how college kids imagine
the u.s. government

P
RESENT
D
AY

—Did you hear the news, Mr. President? The students at the University of Pittsfield are walking out of their classes, in protest of the war.

—(Spits out coffee.) Wha—What did you say?

—Apparently, students are standing up in the middle of lectures and walking right out of the building.

—But students
love
lectures. If they’re willing to give those up, they must really be serious about this peace thing! How did you hear about this protest?

—The White House hears about every protest, no matter how small.

—Oh, right, I remember.

—You haven’t heard the half of it, Mr. President. The leader of the group says that if you don’t stop the war
today, they’re going to …to… I’m sorry, I can’t say it out loud. It’s just too terrifying.

—Say it, dammit! I’m the President!

—All right! If you don’t stop the war …they’re going to stop going to school
for the remainder of the week
.

—Send the troops home.

—But, Mr. President! Shouldn’t we talk about this?

—Send the troops home
.

T
HE
60
S

—Mr. President! Did you hear about Woodstock?

—Woo—Woodstock? What in God’s name is that?

—Apparently, young people hate the war so much they’re willing to participate in a musical sex festival in protest of it.

—Oh my God. They must really be serious about this whole thing.

—That’s not all. Some of them are threatening to join communes: places where they make their own clothing … and beat on drums.

—Stop the war.

—But, Mr. President!

—Stop all American wars!

—(Sighs.) Very well, sir. I’ll go tell the generals.

—Wow. It’s a good thing those kids decided to go hear music.

war

LT. MCDOUGAL
: Who among you will carry the flag as we march into battle?

ABBOT
: I will!

LT. MCDOUGAL
: And if this man goes down?

WALTER
: Then I will hoist up the flag and carry it in his place!

LT. MCDOUGAL
: And if this man goes down?

HAROLD
: Then …I guess …I will carry the flag, sir!

LT. MCDOUGAL
: And if this man goes down?

CHARLES
: Then … well … I’ll carry it.

LT. MCDOUGAL
: And if this man goes down?

JOHN
: Then … me? I guess? I’ll carry it?

LT. MCDOUGAL
: And if this man goes down?

WELLINGTON
: Geez …I guess, then, I’ll carry it. If it comes to that.

LT. MCDOUGAL
: And if this man goes down?

MORTIMER
: Sir … what kind of forces are we going up against? I mean …don’t get me wrong, if Wellington takes a hit, I’ll carry the flag—

LT. MCDOUGAL
: And when this man goes down?

KEARNY
: Sir? What do you think our chances are…of winning this battle? I’m not trying to get negative, I’m just… (Sighs.) Look, I’ll carry the flag if he goes down. I’m just starting to get nervous—

LT. MCDOUGAL
: And when this man goes down?

BILLINGS
: Jesus. Captain, who are we fighting? What’s the situation? Please, just be straight with us.

LT. MCDOUGAL
: Who will carry the flag when Kearny goes down?

BILLINGS
: Well, I guess me. I mean, I’d be the only one left … in that scenario.

LT. MCDOUGAL
: All right. It goes Abbot, Walter, Harold, Charles, John, Wellington, Mortimer, Kearny, and then Billings. Forward march.

acknowledgments

I want to thank Daniel Greenberg and Dan Menaker for their advice, encouragement, and patience. I also want to thank my family,
The Harvard Lampoon
, Evan Camfield, Benjamin Dreyer, Stephanie Higgs, Jim Levine, and all the people who have gotten me out of desperate situations: Steve Bender, Kyle Berkman, Rob Dubbin, David Herson, Patrick Higgs, Azhar Kahn, Zach Kanin, Brent Katz, Farley Katz, Josh Koenigsberg, Jake Luce, Francesca Mari, Nick McDonnell, Josh Morgenthau, Andrei Nechita, Dan Selsam, Patrick Swieskowski, Nick Sylvester.

about the author

Simon Rich, a former president of
The Harvard Lampoon
, will graduate from Harvard University in June 2007.

This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents are the products of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual events, locales, or persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.

A Random House Trade Paperback Original

Copyright © 2007 by Simon Rich

All rights reserved.

Published in the United States by Random House Trade Paperbacks, an imprint of The Random House Publishing Group, a division of Random House, Inc., New York.

RANDOM HOUSE TRADE PAPERBACKS and colophon are trademarks of Random House, Inc.

Approximately half of the pieces in this work were originally published in
The Harvard Lampoon
from 2003 to 2006.

LIBRARY OF CONGRESS CATALOGING-IN-PUBLICATION DATA

Rich, Simon.
Ant farm: and other desperate situations / Simon Rich.
p.    cm.
eISBN: 978-0-307-49396-5
1. American wit and humor. I. Title.
PN6165.R53 2007
818′.602—dc22    2006051043

www.atrandom.com

v3.0