Ant Farm: And Other Desperate Situations (3 page)

MURDERER
: I’m a crazy person. Do this trigonometry problem or I’ll murder you.

ME
: Can I use a graphing calculator?

MURDERER
: Yes, of course. Oh—and here’s a list of necessary formulas.

ME
: Great, thanks. Okay, let’s see …sin2
x
= 2cos
X
sin
X
?

MURDERER
: That’s correct. You’re free to go.

2

OLD RICH MAN
: Hello, everyone. I’ve gone completely insane. Whoever solves this trigonometry problem fastest gets all of the money in my will.

ME
: Can we use graphing calculators?

OLD RICH MAN
: Yes—and the necessary formulas are on the second page.

ME
: Cool. Is it
t =
50?

OLD RICH MAN
: I need it expressed to me in radians.

ME
:
t =
0.28?

OLD RICH MAN
: Congratulations, here is all my money.

slumber party

SEYMOUR
: What do you guys want to do?

ZACH
: Let’s find your dad’s liquor and drink it!

SEYMOUR
: Cool! The only thing is: I don’t know where the old man keeps his booze.

DAN
: Well, let’s split up and look for it! There are
six
of us. One of us is bound to find it.

SEYMOUR
: Awesome, let’s do it!

(Five minutes later.)

ZACH
: I found it! It was in the first place I looked!

DAN
: Really? I found some too.

MIKE
: Me too. Look.

KEVIN
: I … I also found some alcohol.

SEYMOUR
: Everyone found alcohol? I don’t understand. Where did you guys look?

ZACH
: Under your dad’s bed.

DAN
: In your dad’s medicine cabinet.

JOSH
: Behind your dad’s toilet.

KEVIN
: A few different closets. And in your little sister’s room … behind her community service trophies.

JAKE
: I found a moonshine still in the basement. It looked pretty advanced. There were bags of barley and pressurized tanks. And there was some kind of silver tasting cup, hanging from a hook.

SEYMOUR
: I can’t believe this. I think I have to be alone for a while.

BRENT
: (running in) Hey, Seymour! Guys! Guess what, I found the booze! You’ll never guess where it was—in the attic inside an old box marked “Memories.”

SEYMOUR
: …

BRENT
: There was a lot up there.

role playing

TEACHER
: All right, class, today we’re going to be learning about the political landscape that led to the Civil War. Let’s start with a little role-playing exercise. First we need someone to play the part of a Southern slave owner. Okay, let’s say … Seymour.

SEYMOUR
: What?

TEACHER
: Great. Now we need someone to play a Northern abolitionist. Raise your hand if you want to volunteer. Okay—I guess that’s everybody else. Let’s begin.

SOPHIE
: How many innocent people must die to satisfy your greed, Seymour?

KAREN
: You’re a monster, Seymour. (crying) A
monster
.

SEYMOUR
: What’s happening? I’m against slavery—I swear!

TEACHER
: I don’t think that’s something a slave owner
would say, Seymour. Remember, you’re being graded on this.

SEYMOUR
: Um … then, I guess … slavery … is good?

TEACHER
: Of all the villains in the history of this nation, you, Seymour, are by far the most terrifying. I can’t even look you in the face. You literally make my skin crawl.

SEYMOUR
: I thought you said it was a role-playing exercise?

TEACHER
: I’m also doing the exercise. I’m an abolitionist.

sex ed

MR. BENDER
: Okay class, now it’s time to read one of your anonymous sex questions out loud. Here’s one …

JONATHAN
: Hey, Seymour, did you write that one? That looks like your handwriting.

SEYMOUR
: Mr. Bender! Don’t read it!

MR. BENDER
: Please, no talking. It’s very important that I answer this question. Whoever asked it is obviously incredibly confused about sex. These are not normal concerns. Not even close.

SETH
: Hey, I bet that’s Seymour’s question. It’s written in blue ink like all his homework assignments.

SEYMOUR
: Oh, no!

MR. BENDER
: Okay, let’s see … it’s a seven-part question. The first part is about testicles.

SEYMOUR
: Oh my God!

MR. BENDER
: Quiet, class. We have to be fair to the boy who wrote this, even if we find his sexual desires morally reprehensible.

JONATHAN
: Hey, I think that’s Seymour’s stationery. I can tell because of the watermark.

MR. BENDER
: All right. I’m going to read the question now. But I have to warn you: It’s pretty hard to take. If you feel like screaming, that’s understandable. I’m probably going to do some screaming myself. It’s
that
extreme.

(Bell rings.)

SEYMOUR
: That’s the bell! Class dismissed!

MR. BENDER
: Stay in your seats, everyone. If I don’t answer this student’s question and he continues to masturbate in the aberrant fashion he describes in part 3, he could permanently damage his body. Okay … here it goes … Jesus Christ, I can’t read this out loud, it’s too humiliating. Can I have a volunteer?

SEYMOUR
: I’ll read it!

MR. BENDER
: Here you go.

SEYMOUR
: Great! Um … okay … it says … What do you do if you are a … normal boy … with no really weird things.

ouija board

Oh, thank God … Five young conjurers are trying to communicate with me. Now I can finally reveal the identity of my killer!

Is there a spirit present?

Yes!

(Giggling.)

Girls, listen to me. My name is Craig Swieskowski. I was murdered by a man named Bruce Kobza.

Does Trevor like Janet?

What? How should I know? Listen, Bruce Kobza poisoned me to death! There’s a video recording of the murder in a locked briefcase in his apartment. You need to break into his bedroom, unlock the briefcase and show the tape to the police!

Y … E … S! (Hysterical laughter.) Trevor likes you, Janet!

Okay … that’s … that’s fine. I’m glad we got that out of our system. But now it’s time to get serious. We might not have another chance to talk like this. I need you girls to go to Mt. Sinai Cemetery and dig up my body. Do an autopsy. You’ll find—

Who likes Sophie?

Jesus, it’s like you’re not even listening to me! Bruce Kobza murdered me! (sighing) Okay … fine, I’ll try to use the damn board. B …

B!

R …

R! Hey, he’s spelling out Brian Pasternak! Brian Pasternak likes Sophie!

No!

Spirit? Are we pretty? Or … do we need to lose a little bit of weight?

You don’t need to lose any weight. … You should all be thankful you’re alive and healthy.

L-O-S-E W-E-I-G-H-T. Guess we’ll have to keep dieting, huh?

What? That’s not what I said at all!
(Sighs.)
It doesn’t matter.

————————
my mom’s all-time
top five greatest boyfriends

By Milo Farber, age 11

5. J
ARED
M
ILLER

This guy was awesome! He’s by far the strongest, biggest dude I’ve ever met. But that’s not all—he also plays for the Fort Wayne Warriors, my favorite minor-league hockey team! My mom dated Jared for a few days last summer, and every time he came to the house he gave me a regulation Fort Wayne Warriors hockey puck. By the end I had five pucks! Once I ran into him in the kitchenette in the middle of the night. He was making a sandwich. I couldn’t believe there was a real hockey player in my house. I wanted to say something, but I was too nervous so I just stood there. Then after a while he looked at me and said, “Hey, little buddy. How’s your skating?” And I said, “Fine!”

4. O
LAF
S
EIDENBERG

Olaf wasn’t as strong as Jared, but he was just as cool because he also played hockey for the Fort Wayne Warriors! He only dated my mom once, so I only had one chance to talk to him. Still, it was pretty awesome. It was in the middle of the night. I couldn’t sleep, so I went to the kitchenette and
there he was
, Olaf Seidenberg, in
my
house! I asked him to sign my regulation pucks and he said he would. He couldn’t believe I had so many pucks! “Wow, kid,” he said, “you’re a real fan.” He autographed all five of them and wrote “
16”
next to his name, which is his number!

3. M
ARTIN
P
AVLOVSKY

This guy also played hockey for the Fort Wayne Warriors! He had four goals and two assists in 2006-2007, which isn’t great but it was only his first year. When I asked him to sign my regulation Fort Wayne Warriors pucks next to Olaf’s signature, he made a weird scrunched-up face and stared at my mother for a while, like he was confused. I guess he doesn’t understand a lot of English because he’s from the Czech Republic.

2. B
ILL
P
ASSMAN

This guy played for the Fort Wayne Warriors. He was an okay goalie, but he had some bad luck so his save percentage was only .899. I liked him because his name has the word “Pass” in it, which is a hockey word—and he plays hockey. I only saw Bill once, in the kitchenette. I couldn’t believe there was a real hockey player in my house! So I ran into my bedroom and grabbed the old cigar box I use to hold my pucks. When I came back with the box, my mother kept saying that I should go to bed. “Not now, Milo,” she started shouting. “Please!” She can be really strict. Anyway, I could tell Bill wanted to see what was in the box so I opened it. “Wow,” he said, “you must be my number one fan!” I gave him a puck and told him to sign it next to Olaf’s and Nicolas’s signatures. (Nicolas was another one of my mom’s boyfriends, but he didn’t make the top five.) At first he looked a little confused. He said something under his breath, and I was scared he wasn’t going to sign my pucks at all. But then he took out a pen and signed
all of them!
It was weird, because he didn’t look at the pucks when he signed them. Instead, the whole time he was staring at my mother. His signature was pretty cool—better than Nicolas’s but not as good as Olaf’s.

1. B
OBBY
L
AMBERT

This guy is great at hockey! He had forty points in the 2006-2007 season with my favorite hockey team, the Fort Wayne Warriors. He went out with my mom for almost two weeks. I didn’t get to see him very often because my mom had made a rule that I couldn’t leave my room when her boyfriends were over. Still, one night I decided to sneak out of my room and wait in the kitchenette. I mean, how many chances do you get to see a real hockey player in your own house? When I showed Bobby my puck collection, he was super-impressed. “What the hell is going on?” he kept saying. “What the goddamn hell is going on?” Then he looked at my mom and started to cry! It was awesome because I always feel ashamed when I cry. But I thought, If a guy like Bobby Lambert can cry, an AHL all-star center with thirty-five assists, then it’s okay if I do too. Bobby kept crying and I was so blown away that I started crying too. And when I went over to him, he hugged me with his huge arms and it was like I had just scored a goal and he had given me the assist.

my friend’s new girlfriend

My friend Jared found a girlfriend this summer, and I am
so
jealous. We’re the two least popular kids in the ninth grade and we’ve always been best friends. But now Jared’s always bragging about his girlfriend and how awesome she is. It makes me feel so pathetic.

I’ve never had a girlfriend before, but this girl sounds incredible. Her name is Tiffany Sparkle. She goes to a different school, a modeling academy in New Brunswick. He showed me some pictures of her from magazines, and believe me, she is
hot
. He met her over the summer, when he was visiting his grandparents in Canada. He saved her life. She was about to get run over by a double-decker bus when all of a sudden Jared skateboarded through traffic and pushed her out of the way. There was a huge crowd of Canadians standing around, and when Jared saved
Tiffany’s life everybody just started cheering like crazy. Then she kissed him on the mouth. When I heard that story, I was like “Give me a break!” because it was just about the coolest thing I had ever heard in my entire life! They spent the rest of the summer having sex all over the place in all of the different sex positions. And now they talk every night on the phone.

The amazing thing about this girl is that she isn’t just hot. She also shares a lot of Jared’s interests. She’s totally into Web design and the game Warcraft. And she’s also really shy. For example, when she visited Jared over spring break, she didn’t want to meet me because she was too embarrassed. When I heard that, I was like “Come on!” because that is
so
like Jared. It’s kind of amazing that they found each other.

There are other similarities too. Like, he showed me a letter she wrote him last week about how she wanted to try out some new kind of sex position, and at first I thought he had written it
himself
because their handwritings are
so
similar. Tiffany also has severe bronchial asthma, which is pretty great for Jared, because now he has someone to talk to about that.