Ant Farm: And Other Desperate Situations (4 page)

The big ninth grade dance is in four days. I asked Jared to set me up with one of Tiffany’s friends from her modeling academy, but he said that everybody there already
has a boyfriend. I asked him for advice on how to find a date, but all of his suggestions involved saving girls’ lives. In the end, I decided to just walk up to this girl I like named Laura and ask her point-blank if she wanted to go with me. I was so nervous that my arms and legs were shaking really fast like they do in gym class when the teacher says it’s my turn to lead stretches. But I asked her anyway and she said yes.

I talk to Laura on the phone every night now, which is pretty great, because Jared never has time to talk to me anymore.
He’s
not even going to the dance! Tiffany’s flying to the U.S. for one night only and she hates dancing so they’re just going to stay home and try out new sex positions. It’s amazing. I mean, don’t get me wrong. My date Laura is pretty cool, and other than her leg brace she’s very attractive, but she’s certainly no Canadian model. It’s hard to believe that when I’m on the dance floor this Friday, trying to work up the guts to kiss Laura for the first time, Jared’s going to be at home in his bedroom making love to the girl of his dreams. Some guys have all the luck.

III

invisible

People assume that being invisible is fun, what with the free concerts and the constant unspeakable sex acts. But there are some downsides.

Every day has its trials. When I go to use a urinal at a ball game, I have to make sure there’s no one waiting behind me. When I ride the subway I always stand, for fear of fat people.

My friends never notice when I get a new haircut. And when I call them on it, their compliments never sound sincere.

When I was a lifeguard, I never got any credit for any of my heroic rescues. It was always “angel this” and “angel that.” Same thing when I was a male prostitute.

When I streaked at the ’96 Olympics, it wasn’t televised and I was impaled by a javelin. Worse, I never received
any cash from the TV miniseries
Legend of the Floating Javelin
. When I took the network to court, the judge declared a mistrial and asked to be lobotomized.

It’s really hard to earn a living. I got laid off at the museum because my tour groups kept getting lost. Despite my good looks, acting roles are few and far between. The only film part I ever landed was as a nonspeaking extra in
Cast Away
. I didn’t get a screen credit, even though I lost forty pounds for the role.

Sometimes, when I’m alone, I think about how great visible life would be. People nodding hello. Cars slowing down. That’s usually when I commit a really terrible sexual act of some kind.

crayola co.

—Thanks for coming, Samuel.

—No problem, boss. I’ll have those new color names on your desk by five.

—That’s fine. Listen, Sam … have you been having problems at home?

—Well, actually, yeah. How did you know? Who told you?

—Well… to be honest, I could sort of tell by the quality of your work.

—But I’ve been writing ten crayon titles a day!

—I know, but some of these colors … Sad Blue …Sad Green … Horrible Red … Sad Red … Really Sad Blue … Divorce Sienna … Divorce Brown … Divorce Green … Divorce Pink … It’s just … a little repetitive, you know?

—Well, all the colors have been more or less the same lately. What can I say? When it comes to crayon naming,
you have to go with your first instinct. Like, look at this new shade of orange. What pops into your mind?

—I don’t know … sunshine?

—Well, yeah. Or divorce. I would say Divorce Orange. Except there already is a Divorce Orange. So then …I guess, no name. Just a nameless color.

—I think maybe you need a vacation.

—Really?

—Look, to be honest, last month’s colors were a little off too. Adultery Red … Ultimatum Pink … Lawyers Green … Settlement Blue … Countersettlement Light Blue … Maybe you need to take some time away from the office. You know, to resolve the crisis in your marriage?

—Look, boss. No offense, but I’m just not buying all this psychobabble. I mean, Craig came up with Ladybug Red today. That doesn’t mean he has a bug problem at home or whatever.

—Okay. But what about your colors from
two
months ago? Temptation Red? Considering Adultery Blue? Considering Adultery Yellow?

—What about them?

—I think you should take the rest of the day off.

—Okay, you’re the boss. I guess I’ll see you divorce.

—Do you mean … “I’ll see you tomorrow?”

—That’s what I said.

“may or may not contain peanuts”

—Boss? I got to talk to you. It’s about Al. I think it’s time for him to retire.

—Peanut Al? No way. That guy’s been the heart and soul of this factory for decades.

—I know, but he’s really dropping the ball out there. His only job is to put peanuts into the batter. And half the time
he forgets
.

—I know! It’s just … Al used to be the best peanut man in the business. I can’t throw him out onto the streets! Even if he is ninety-seven.

—Hello, boss. Peanut Al here.

—Hi, Al! How are you holding up?

—I don’t remember if I added the peanuts or not.

—Jesus.

—Peanut Al is going home to sleep. Tired as all hell.

—All right. Goodbye, Al.

—Peanut Al needs to get some rest. You know what? I don’t remember a goddamn thing that happened today. I might’ve put
something
in the batter. Not peanuts.

—Wow.

—See you tomorrow.

—See what I mean, boss? What are we going to do?

—I don’t know. I guess we’ll have to figure out something to write on the label.

medieval england

In medieval England, all measurements were based on the king’s body parts.

AT THE CRICKET MATCH

—Wow, he tossed that over thirty feet!

—Thirty
Henry
feet?

—No. Thirty
James
feet.

—Oh. That’s only ten Henry feet.

—I know. Or five Henry thumbs.

—Henry was a terrifying man.

—Let’s not talk about him.

AT THE TAILOR

—I’d like a suit.

—No problem. How tall are you?

—Let’s see … about one king tall.

—Can you be more specific?

—Well, actually, no.

—Dammit.

—I also need some gloves. My hands are… about one hand long.

—Yes, I can see that.

AT THE DOCTOR

—Your blood pressure is two Henrys.

—Is that good or bad?

—It’s really bad.

patron of the arts

Donate to the City Museum now and you’ll receive the following benefits!

F
RIEND
(C
ONTRIBUTIONS OF
$1–$49)

• Official City Museum Badge.
  

• A private tour of the City Museum, conducted by the Head Curator.
  

P
ATRON
(C
ONTRIBUTIONS OF
$50–$299)

• Official City Museum Tie.
  

• Invitation to have tea with the Head Curator and his family at his private residence.
  

A
NGEL
(C
ONTRIBUTIONS OF
$300–$799)

• Permission to destroy any work of art and replace it with your own work.
  

• The Head Curator will perform a dance for you in front of his peers.
  

M
ESSIAH
(C
ONTRIBUTIONS OF
$800-$2,999)

• The Head Curator will come to your house and make you dinner. After dinner he will massage your back with oils.
  

• The Head Curator will dance for you twice, once in front of his peers and once in front of his own children.
  

P
HARAOH
(C
ONTRIBUTIONS OF
$3,000-$24,999)

• Whenever the Head Curator sees you, he will salute, curtsy, and then run in place until you motion for him to stop.
  

• Unlimited dances.
  

W
ARLORD
(C
ONTRIBUTIONS OF
$25,000
AND UP
)

• One night with the Head Curator’s wife.
  

• Whenever you snap your fingers, the Head Curator will drop whatever it is he is doing and burst spontaneously into song.
  

• 15 % discount at Gift Shop.
  

baseball’s hardest worker

Nobody in the history of baseball had it rougher than Cy Young, the most durable pitcher the game has ever known.

C
LEVELAND
S
TADIUM DUGOUT
, 1904

CY
: I don’t know if I can handle another triple-header. Couldn’t we have some sort of rotation system?

MANAGER
: What’s with you today, Cy? You haven’t sold a single hot dog, the dugout’s filthy, the scoreboard’s busted. That’s three strikes. You only have five strikes left.

CY
: Can we please lower the number of strikes per out?

MANAGER
: Strike four, Cy.

L
ATER THAT DAY

CY
: Tomorrow’s my seventy-fifth birthday. Can I please have the day off?

MANAGER
: Can’t do that, Cy. We’ve got fifty games tomorrow and you’re pitching all of them.

CY
: Oh my God. Who’s catching?

MANAGER
: Who’s
what?

C
HILDREN’S HOSPITAL WARD

CY
: So, how many strikeouts is it going to take for you to walk again?

SICK BOY
: I need two kidneys.

CY
: What?

DOCTOR
: Remove the jersey.

———————
orel hershiser

I’d like to thank God for this victory.
I couldn’t have done it without him
.

—OREL HERSHISER, L.A. Dodgers

ANGEL
: God? Can I talk to you for a second?

GOD
: I’m watching the game.

ANGEL
: I know—I’m sorry for interrupting. I just wanted to tell you: There’s been a flood in Asia. Four hundred thousand people have lost their homes.

GOD
: Listen, I don’t think you understand. Orel Hershiser is on the mound. If he wins this game, he’ll improve his record to 13-3. That’s ten games over .500.

ANGEL
: I know, I’m sorry, it’s just… If we don’t act in the next thirty minutes, thousands of people might drown.

GOD
: Slide, Martinez! Slide, dammit! I’m sorry …I wasn’t listening. What were you saying?

ANGEL
: If you don’t stop the rains soon, thousands will die. They’ve been praying all night. I really think you should answer them.

GOD
: It looks like I’m going to have to intervene.

ANGEL
: Really? Oh, that’s great news!

ANNOUNCER
:
Orel Hershiser winds up … Strike three! Wow—that fastball came out of nowhere!

GOD
: Boo-yah! That’s what I’m talking about!

ANGEL
: When you said you were going to intervene … were you talking about the baseball game or the flood?

GOD
: What flood?

ANGEL
: (sighing) There’s been a flood in Asia. Hundreds of thousands of people—

GOD
: Shit! Hold on a second …I need to concentrate.

ANNOUNCER
:
Mike Piazza pounds Hershiser’s curveball into deep right field! He’s rounding second … he should get to third base easily … Oh no! He’s down! His leg just buckled underneath him! He’s screaming now … wow … he really seems to be in a lot of pain. Here comes the tag … he’s out. Looks like the Dodgers are the winners. Although I’m sure they didn’t want to win like this
.

ANGEL
: Okay, the game’s over. Can we please talk about the flood now?

GOD
: In a second. I want to hear the postgame interview.

HERSHISER
:
I’d like to thank God for this victory. I couldn’t have done it without him
.

GOD
: Hey, did you hear that! Did you hear what he just said!

ANGEL
: Yes, I heard.

GOD
: Man …I
love
that Hershiser guy.

ANGEL
: Can we talk about the flood now?

GOD
: In a minute. NASCAR’s on. I got to make sure Greg Biffle wins.

ANGEL
: Do you really have to watch NASCAR?

GOD
: Yes! I don’t think you get it. There are people out there who are counting on me.

if life were like hockey

POLICE OFFICER
: I can’t believe it! You just hit that man, deliberately, with a stick. Right in the back, as hard as you could! You didn’t even try to hide what you were doing.

CRAZY PERSON
: What are you going to do about it?