Ant Farm: And Other Desperate Situations (6 page)

—I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to start a fight. (Kisses him.) Little Tommy sure is growing up, isn’t he?

—4 foot 4, give or take 3 inches.

—And Suzy! I can’t believe how adult she’s getting.

—14 to 17 years old.

—Wait. You don’t know how old our daughter is?

—Jesus Christ, I’m not a computer! (Sighs.) Look …I’m sorry, okay? Here. I got you a giant stuffed animal.

—That’s not going to work this time.

————————————
my roommate is really
hard to get along with

ROOMMATE
: What happened to my chips?

ME
: Oh, I ate some while you were in the bathroom. I’m sorry, I should have asked first.

ROOMMATE
: You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say may be used against you in a court of law.

ME
: Not this again …

ROOMMATE
: I’m making a citizen’s arrest.

ME
:
Come on!

ROOMMATE
: (dialing) Police? Yeah, it’s me. I got a live one for you, 119 Elmer Street.

ME
: You can’t keep doing this! This is the fourth time this week!

ROOMMATE
: (hanging up) The cops are on their way. In the meantime, I’m going to have to ask you to wait in the citizen’s jail.

ME
: You mean the kitchenette?

ROOMMATE
: Yes.

(Policeman enters.)

POLICEMAN
: I understand there’s been a crime?

ROOMMATE
: That’s right. I placed this man under arrest. He’s a thief.

POLICEMAN
: Do you want me to take him to the courthouse, or just rough him up a little?

ROOMMATE
: Rough him up.

homework

—Hey man, can you help me out with my math homework?

—Sure.

—Great, thanks. On problem 7, am I supposed to take the sine or the cosine of this angle?

—Let me think … Stab and Obliterate the Hebrews, Crucify All the Hebrews, Triumph Over All … I guess it’s the cosine.

—Wait—what did you just say?

—Cosine.

—No, before that. About the Hebrews?

—Oh, that’s just a mnemonic device I came up with. “Stab” stands for “sine,” “Obliterate” stands for “opposite leg of,” “Hebrews” stands for “hypotenuse.”

—Oh. Well, couldn’t you have picked a device that’s…
less hateful? I mean, as a Jew I’m pretty offended by what you just said.

—Really? Those words are totally random. I just picked them because they started with the right letters.

—Yeah, I guess you’re right. I’m sorry, I overreacted.

—It’s okay. Let’s try another problem.

—Cool. So, in problem 9, do you know which operation we’re supposed to do first? Is it exponents or division?

—Let me think … Permanently Eliminate Many Jews, Destroy All Synagogues …You do exponents first.

—What the hell was that?

—Oh, that was just another mnemonic: Parentheses, Exponents, Multiplication, Division, Addition, Subtraction.

—But that one doesn’t even work! The word “Jew” doesn’t stand in for anything!

—Yeah, you’re right. I guess it’s sort of like a placeholder?

—Well, it’s
really
offensive.

—I don’t know what to tell you. Maybe “Jew” could stand in for “’jacent?” You know, like, short for “adjacent”?

—But then it doesn’t make sense mathematically.

—I’m not changing the mnemonic.

when small talk goes wrong

—Did you see who won the game?

—I was at the game. A ball hit my son in the face. He’s in critical condition at Mt. Sinai Hospital. The doctors say he might not make it. So, in answer to your question: No. I have no idea who won the game.

—Hey, you look familiar. Have we met?

—Oh my God, I’ve gained so much weight that you didn’t even recognize me. This is the single most humiliating experience of my life.
We dated for seven years
.

—Do you have the time?

—Shh! It’s 4:26
P.M.!

—Huh?

—(whispering) April twenty-sixth, 4:26
P.M.
, is an official
minute of silence. Congress created it to honor the 426 men who died in the Great Boise Fire. My father was among those men.

—Oh my God, I’m so sorry. I’ll stop talking.

—It doesn’t matter. The minute has already passed.

—What are you drinking?

—It’s a cocktail of seven medications. If I don’t drink one of these every thirty seconds, my eyeballs rupture. Oh no
… How long have we been talking?

—Do you come here often?

—Yes. My brother was murdered at this bar in 1983. I come every year on the anniversary of his death to say a prayer. I miss him so much. I know he’s gone, but part of me still can’t let go. He was stabbed to death in the neck.

—Are you on the bride’s side or the groom’s?

—Well, the groom is my brother, and the bride is my wife … I’m sorry, I mean
ex
-wife. God, that’s going to take some getting used to. I still love her, you know. Even after what she did. (Drinks an entire glass of champagne.) You want to know something? This is the worst day of my life.

jesus

JESUS
: Love each other, for love conquers all.

THOMAS
: Praise the Lord!

JESUS
: If someone attacks you, turn the other cheek.

THOMAS
: Praise the Lord!

JESUS
: Eat my body and my blood.

THOMAS
: Praise the—Wait. What was that last thing?

JESUS
: Eat my body and my blood.

THOMAS
: You mean … symbolically?

JESUS
: No.

THOMAS
: Oh.

JESUS
: Honor thy father and thy mother.

THOMAS
: Wait, hold on. Can we talk about that other thing for a second?

JESUS
: What other thing? Turning the other cheek?

THOMAS
: No, the thing you said after. About eating your body … and … your blood.

JESUS
: What’s there to talk about?

karma

When I told my friends I was converting to Hinduism, they said I was rushing into things. They’re just jealous because I’m racking up karma points left and right. Check out today’s tally:

repent

According to evangelical Christians, anyone who accepts Jesus Christ as his personal Lord and Savior will enter the Kingdom of Heaven. Even murderers can enter Heaven, as long as they have faith. As you can imagine, it gets pretty awkward up there when murderers run into people that they’ve killed.

MURDERER
: Hey, you look familiar. Do I know you from somewhere?

VICTIM
: (Terrified screaming.)

MURDERER
: Oh, yeah. Now I remember.

VICTIM
: How did you get up here?

MURDERER
: I’m not really sure. Someone sent me a Bible while I was on death row. I guess at some point I must have internalized parts of it?

VICTIM
: So … they gave you the death penalty?

MURDERER
: Yeah. Not for killing you, though. For killing some other people. Children.

VICTIM
: Oh.

MURDERER
: Nobody knows you’re dead yet. I hid you in a weird place.

VICTIM
: …

MURDERER
: Listen, I’m really sorry about what happened. If it makes you feel any better, I told a priest about it afterward. He made me say, like, fifty prayers.

VICTIM
: How many people did you murder?

MURDERER
: Four hundred. But I’ve only run into three or four of them so far. I guess not everyone makes it into Heaven, huh? Hey look, there’s Jesus.

JESUS
: Well, well, well, if it isn’t the Prodigal Son! (Laughs, puts arm around murderer’s shoulder.) Seriously, it’s great to have you aboard.

MURDERER
: Jesus, I want you to meet someone. This is…um… geez. This is pretty embarrassing. What’s your name again?

JESUS
: Sorry I can’t stay and meet your friend, but I have to go welcome in some other murderers. So long!

MURDERER
: Guess he was in a rush, huh? Oh well. I’ll try to introduce you some other time.

——————————————
a conversation between god
and the man in a football helmet
and a speedo who’s always
shouting things next to the a&p

—How’d it go today? Win any followers?

—I’m afraid not, God. I’m sorry.

—You told them the news, right? That the world is ending in four days?

—Yes.

—And you made the sign, like I told you? With all the information about the apocalypse?

—Of course.

—Did you try that thing I came up with, where you start swinging your arms around really fast while saying “The end is coming, the end is coming”?

—(sighing) Yes.

—And still no one listened! I can’t believe this. How can I prepare mankind for the apocalypse if they ignore the words of my prophet?

—I actually had a thought today, God. I was thinking, maybe if I wore something a little more socially acceptable …

—I have a strict dress code for my prophets: helmet, Speedo.

—I know, I don’t mean to second-guess you! I just think people would respond better if I wore a suit.

—Did you do the thing where you start hitting your helmet with both fists to get people’s attention, and then when they finally look at you, you just start screaming and pointing at the sign?

—Yes. A lot.

—Then I guess we have no choice. Construct a gown out of aluminum foil and gird yourself with it.

—Again?

—Do as I say.

—I really don’t think that’s going to work.

—Of course it will! Think about it. If you saw a guy dressed entirely in foil, would you ignore him? No. You’d sit down and listen to what he had to say.

—Listen, God, I’m honored that you chose me to be your prophet—and it’s been a really exciting thirty-five years, don’t get me wrong. But I’m starting to think that maybe you should ask someone else to deliver your message. Like a senator, maybe? Or a minister?

—Impossible. You are the prophet I have chosen.

—Well, maybe I should at least leave the A&P. The manager keeps sending out someone with a broom to chase me off the lot. It’s pretty humiliating.

—Yeah, I saw that. That was pretty bad.

—Did you see when all the foil fell off while I was running away? So that I was completely naked, except for the helmet?

—Yeah. That probably set us back a little. Maybe you should move to the side of the highway? I’m sure we’ll have more luck there.

—Okay.

—And I want you to make your sign bigger.

—Sure.

—And one more thing.

—What?

—Keep your head up.

—(Laughs.) Thanks, God.

the odds

The odds of winning the lottery are statistically equal to the odds of getting mauled by a circus animal. The last guy to win the lottery was Al Romano. He won $80 million playing Powerball. The last guy to get mauled by a circus animal was Sam Ortle. He was attacked by a bear. I thought it would be neat to introduce these guys.

ME
: Well, I’m sure you guys have a lot to talk about. See you later! (Exits.)

AL
: Hi.

SAM
: Hi. Congratulations on winning the lottery.

AL
: Thanks! I’m really sorry … about your misfortune.

SAM
: It had to happen to someone, I guess.

AL
: How did it happen, exactly? Do you work for the circus?

SAM
: No, I work for a computer company on the other side of town. I just happened to be out on my lunch break when the bear escaped into the city. I bent over to tie my shoes, and when I stood up he was sprinting toward me with both arms in the air. It was the single most terrifying moment of my life.

AL
: I’m so sorry.

SAM
: Yeah. I guess I was just in the wrong place at the wrong time. So … how much money did you win in the lottery?

AL
: Eighty million dollars. It sounds like more than it is, though! I have to pay a lot of taxes! (Long silence.) Listen, again, I’m really sorry about the bear. The whole thing sounds terrible. How did it escape in the first place?