Ant Farm: And Other Desperate Situations (5 page)

POLICE OFFICER
: I’m … going to make you sit on that bench. For two minutes.

CRAZY PERSON
: Can I bring along my stick?

POLICE OFFICER
: Yes.

CRAZY PERSON
: Sounds good. (To victim) I’ll see you in two minutes.

VICTIM
: Officer! What am I supposed to do?

POLICE OFFICER
: I don’t know. Fight him?

———————————
colombiatourism.com

Thank you for visiting
ColombiaTourism.com
! Here are some useful phrases for your vacation. Click on them for English-to-Spanish translations.

“Which way to the restaurant?”

“How much does it cost?”

“Where is the bathroom?

“Who are you?”

“Oh my God, where are you taking me?”

“Please do not put the rag inside of my mouth.”

“My father is a wealthy man. I promise he will pay the amount you have requested, provided that you spare my life.”

“I have not seen your face. If you release me, I promise, I will not be able to identify you.”

“I have a family whom I love. Deep down, I am like you.”

“I agree with your sentiments about America. Your philosophy is correct and very reasonable.”

“I feel a strong emotional bond toward you, even though you are my captor.”

“With every passing day, we are becoming better friends. Say, that is a unique gun. May I see it?”

“Thank you.”

“The tables have turned!”

“Do not move while I put the chains on you. I will shoot!”

“Officer! Three men tried to kidnap me. Arrest them at once.”

“What are you doing? Why are you putting the handcuffs on me?”

“Oh my God, you are in league with the kidnappers. How can this be? Is there no law in this land?”

“Yes, I will stop talking.”

ant farm

—All right men, listen up. As you know, we’ve built seven tunnels and we still haven’t found a way through the glass. I can tell you’re discouraged and I don’t blame you. Tunnel 7 was our most ambitious project to date and you all risked your lives to make it happen. But rest assured, we’ll be out of this hellish wasteland soon enough. I have a plan.

—What is it? What’s the plan?

—An eighth tunnel. Through the sand.

—I don’t know, sir … we’ve been digging tunnels ever since we got here. We always end up hitting glass. We lost ten men on the last tunnel: Brian, Jack, Lawrence—

—I know their names.

—Why don’t we just give up? I mean seriously, what’s the point?

—The point? The point is we have no food or water. The point is we’re trapped in this crazy desert, and if we don’t find an exit soon we’re going to suffocate.

—What kind of God would put us here, just to torture us? Sand to the left … sand to the right …

—It’s a test, William. He’s testing us.

—You’re right. We can do this. We just have to work ten times harder than we’ve ever worked before! (Starts digging.)

—You want to know something? I’ve got a good feeling about this one. A really good feeling.

IV

love coupons

—Brian? What are you doing here?

—I came to redeem some coupons.

—(reading) “Good for one back rub” … “Good for one home-cooked meal” … Brian, I gave these to you while we were still dating.

—There’s no expiration date on the coupons.

—Brian, it’s been four years. I’m married now.

—One home-cooked meal, please. Then sex. Here… here’s the sex one. One of the sex ones.

—Brian, I’m sorry. It’s over between us.

—Coupons are coupons.

—Wow, Brian … you’ve really gained a lot of weight. Is everything okay?

—I’ve got three sex coupons. I’d like to use them all
today, then the meal, then the shower. Tomorrow, I’ll come back with the rest of the coupons. They’re all sex.

—Jesus, what happened to your
nails?
I can’t believe I didn’t notice them when I first opened the door. They’re
so long
.

—I would like to use a sex one now please.

Stadium proposal

Last night at Cowboys Stadium, Graham Baxter proposed to his girlfriend, Jennifer, in front of forty-one thousand screaming fans.

“Look up,” he said. “There’s something I want you to see.”

There it was, in ten-foot neon lights:

JENNIFER, WILL YOU MARRY ME?

“Of course!” she squealed. “Of course I will, darling!”

There were two other Jennifers at the game.

S
ECTION
26, R
OW
19

JENNIFER
: Of course I will, Michael! Of course!

MICHAEL
: Huh? Where are you pointing? … Oh, no!
Oh, God!

JENNIFER
: I have three children who you’ve never met and two of them have bad problems.

S
ECTION
45, R
OW
11

JENNIFER
: Danny, we’ve had some rough patches … but … yes! My answer is yes!

DANNY
: What do you mean? Oh—oh, no! (crying)
Who did this!?

JENNIFER
: God. My magical Druid God.

DANNY
: …

JENNIFER
: The ceremony has to be Druid.

sultan of brunei

The Sultan of Brunei is the richest oil magnate in the world. Servants, yachts, castles—he’s got everything! Everything except true love.

GIRLFRIEND
: What’s wrong, honey?

SULTAN
: Well … it’s just… sometimes I think you’re only going out with me because of my money.

GIRLFRIEND
: Oh, darling! How could you say something like that?

SULTAN
: What do you mean? I can say whatever I want. I’m the Sultan of Brunei.

GIRLFRIEND
: You’re right, I’m sorry.

SULTAN
: Get back into your fortress of rubies.

SULTAN
: Honey, if I ask you a question, will you promise to tell me the truth?

CONCUBINE
: Of course!

SULTAN
: Would you still love me if I were poor? Keep in mind that if you say no, one of my warriors will murder you.

CONCUBINE
: Yes, I would love you no matter what!

SULTAN
: Okay, good. Now … do you want to see a movie or go bowling? Keep in mind that if you say bowling, one of my warriors will murder you.

CONCUBINE
: Let’s see a movie.

SULTAN
: I am the Sultan of Brunei!

SULTAN
: I’m sorry I missed our anniversary, honey. Things were crazy at the office. I was counting gold bars and—

WIFE
: You didn’t even get me a present!

SULTAN
: Yes I did! I got you … this …drum of crude oil.

WIFE
: That’s not going to work this time.

SULTAN
: You’re so unforgiving! What happened to the woman I married?

WIFE
: Which one? You have two hundred wives.

SULTAN
: The one with the ribbons.

WIFE
: She’s downstairs, I think.

SULTAN
: Oh. What about Sheila?

WIFE
: I’m Sheila.

SULTAN
: Oh.

(Pause.)

SULTAN
: Bear me a child of solid gold.

endangered species

Last year, the San Francisco Zoo attempted to mate their endangered striped panda with three females from other zoos in an effort to perpetuate the species. But their venture failed, and ultimately the striped panda became extinct
.

—SAN FRANCISCO CHRONICLE

A
TTEMPT
1

Hi, nice to meet you! Welcome to San Francisco! God, these blind dates are pretty awkward! It’s really nice of the zookeepers to set us up like this, though, huh? I guess they’re probably hoping that we’ll mate! (Pause.) I’m sorry. That was really out of bounds. Wow, I can’t believe I said something so thoughtless. You must think I’m a total idiot. Jesus, and now I’m making it even worse. And that—
that last thing I said
—made it
even worse!
God, this is so humiliating.

A
TTEMPT
2

… I’m the kind of guy who doesn’t take himself too seriously. A lot of other animals around here like to strut
around and growl, but I don’t buy into any of that. That’s not to say I can’t growl loudly. I can.

So this is my rock. I like to do my exercises here. I don’t work out
too
much, I’m not obsessive or anything. I climb the rock about fifty or sixty times a day. I mean, sure, for
some
guys that would be a lot. But for me it isn’t. Climbing the rock is pretty easy for me.

See those bleachers? During the daytime, they’re full of kids. The zookeeper gives me a treat every time I do my trick, but you want to know something? I would do the trick for free, just to see the smiles on those kids’ faces. That’s just the kind of guy I am.

Do you want to see my trick? No? Okay, that’s cool. Are you sure? Okay.

Say, that’s a nice ankle tag you got on! It really looks good … on your ankle. God, I always do this. I do this every time.

A
TTEMPT
3

… Maybe I’m old-fashioned, but I think female striped pandas deserve the same amount of respect as male striped pandas. I mean sure, males can growl louder and climb the rock more times, but it’s what’s deep down that counts. I guess you could say that’s kind of my philosophy on life.

Look at me, talking your head off! You must be hungry. Hold on, I’ll get the zookeeper’s attention. (Growls.) Okay … I guess he didn’t hear me. We might have to wait a while.

So, your tag says you’re from Siberia? That’s pretty cool! Do you have a lot of brothers and sisters there? Oh, right … of course you don’t. I’m sorry.

mating throughout history

S
TONE
A
GE

SCRAWNY GUY
: Hi! I was wondering … do you want to mate with me?

WOMAN
: I don’t think so. You’re not really my type. I’m looking for a guy with really big muscles. You know, the kind of guy who can build me a fort and protect my children from forest beasts. I’m sorry.

SCRAWNY GUY
: It’s cool … That’s actually pretty reasonable. See you around.

WOMAN
: See ya.

P
RESENT
D
AY

SCRAWNY GUY
: Hi! I was wondering … can I buy you a drink after work?

WOMAN
: I don’t think so. You’re not really my type. I’m
looking for a guy with really big muscles. You know, the kind of guy who can build me a fort and protect my children from forest beasts. I’m sorry.

SCRAWNY GUY
: What? That doesn’t make any sense. We live in a
city
, thousands of miles away from the nearest forest.

WOMAN
: I’m sorry. I’m just not attracted to you.

T
HE
F
UTURE

SCRAWNY GUY
: Hi! I was wondering … do you want to drink some purified water with me after this asteroid barrage stops?

WOMAN
: I don’t think so. You’re not really my type. I’m looking for a guy with really big muscles. You know, the kind of guy who can build me a fort and protect my children from forest beasts.

SCRAWNY GUY
: What forest beasts? We’re the last remaining species on the planet!

WOMAN
: I’m sorry. I’m just not attracted to you.

SCRAWNY GUY
: Listen, I have a unique genetic mutation that allows me to breathe radon gas like it was air! I’m the only person on earth who can survive the nuclear winter. If you don’t mate with me, all human life will die out!

THE LAST MUSCULAR GUY ON EARTH
: (coughing from the radon gas) Hey, baby. Nice ass.

WOMAN
: (Giggles.)

SCRAWNY GUY
: What’s happening? This is completely insane.

THE LAST MUSCULAR GUY ON EARTH
: (sweating) Let’s go to my fort, babe. (Cough.) I built it out of rocks, using my muscle arms.

WOMAN
: Whatever you say, lover.

————
when the
“guess your weight” guy
from the carnival got married

—Darling, can I ask you a question?

—Sure.

—Do you think I gained any weight over the holidays?

—I don’t know. I can’t tell.

—We’ve been over this. I know you can tell.

—You look as beautiful as ever!

—I was 119 pounds in October. How much do you think I weigh now?

—Why are you doing this to me?

—Tell me the truth.

—Okay! All right! You gained 11 pounds, give or take 3 pounds! Is that what you wanted to hear? Jesus Christ!

—I knew it. You think I’m fat. That’s why you’ve been flirting with that Debbie girl from work. Even though she’s
half your age
.

—I wasn’t flirting with her! And she’s
not
half my age. You can tell just by looking at her that she’s 27, give or take 3 years.

—(Sobbing.)

—Hey, come on! Why are we fighting?
I love you
. When I’m out there on the midway every night, guessing people’s weights and ages, I’m doing it for you! I’m doing it for our kids!