Awaken (The Awaken Series Book 1) (19 page)

I had noticed the physical differences between Jasper from last year and Jasper from the present, but I was just coming around to distinguishing the emotional differences.

Jasper had all of his defenses up. He was closed off, and the walls he was using to defend himself were effectively keeping me at a distance. I didn’t blame him. I wouldn’t trust me either.

“Do you want me to take you home?” Jasper asked.

“Is that what you want?” Everything was becoming so confusing. One minute I thought we had a chance to pick up where we left off, and the next it felt like something was blocking that from ever happening.

“I’m leaving soon, Luna. I don’t want you to become attached to something with an expiration date.” Jasper spoke as if he was at a business meeting, his emotionless state slowly killing me inside.

“What are you saying?” This wasn’t how it was supposed to end.

“I think that a clean break would be the most… beneficial… for both of us.”
 

Anger boiled inside me. Jasper couldn’t even look me in the eyes.
 

I had my answer. There was no hope for us. If there was, then Jasper would have put up more of a fight. Maybe he had nothing to fight for.

“I just don’t get it. You keep contradicting yourself… It’s like there’s two different versions of you, and I never know which one will be making an appearance.” When he came in through my window Friday night, it seemed like all he wanted was everything to return to how it was. Now he wanted to end it for good? It didn’t add up.

“I know. You’re just going to have to trust me on this, okay? I’m trying to do the right thing here. Please don’t make this any more difficult than it already is.”

I was far too angry to shoot back any of the coherent arguments swirling around in my brain, so I just pushed open the car door.

“Luna,” Jasper started, putting his hand on my arm.

“Don’t talk to me, and definitely don’t touch me,” I said, pulling my arm free and getting out of the car.

I tuned out whatever Jasper was saying behind me as I made my way to the forest, where his car couldn’t trail me on the way back. There was no way in hell I was going to let him drive me home. I didn’t even care that it was starting to pour down rain.

I learned the path to my house through my memories, and I tried without success to calm myself down as I navigated through the huge trees. I hated myself for thinking that Jasper would follow me into the forest, that he would tell me that he made a mistake.
 

Jasper was probably in his warm home right now, on his high horse believing his delusions about doing the right thing, while I was out in the rain loathing myself for believing my delusions about everything working out perfectly.

Since when had
anything
worked out perfectly? Last year we were hit with nothing but obstacles, but I still had hope that Jasper and I would have some sort of unrealistically flawless future together. I knew just how much that hopeful fantasy worked out. Someone took it all away, making any possible future with Jasper impossible.

It was a maddening cycle of hope and loss. Now all of my hope was gone, and the very thing that made me believe in the concept of hope was gone along with it.

I was alone, and it was all too easy for me to give up now that I had lost what I was fighting for.

~~~~~

I tried to keep myself busy until my parents returned from the conference. If I allowed myself any free time I’d surely suffer a mental breakdown.
 

The phone didn’t ring. There was never a knock at the door. No one was climbing through my window.

Jasper wasn’t bluffing. He was gone.

~~~~~

“How was your weekend with Stacy?” Mother asked Megan. My parents got home late last night, and they both seemed tenser than usual.

“It was great,” Megan lied.
 

“What about you, Luna?” Father asked. “How big of a party did you throw?”
 

I smiled, finding legitimate humor in his joke. I might not have thrown a party, but I definitely hadn’t played the perfect daughter role while they were gone. That smile quickly dissolved as the memory of Jasper cutting me out of his life replaced the memory of him kissing me in my bedroom.

“It was also great,” I lied. The Beckham sisters had a pretty shitty weekend between the two of us.

“So, what was the big government thingy that brought everyone to the Capitol building?” Megan asked not-so-eloquently.
 

Mother cast a glance at Father before answering. “Well, this is a very confidential matter, and will not be released to the public for another couple weeks.” Megan put on her best pout, her eyes pleading for details.

Normally, I would be begging right along with her, but I was having a hard time caring. I stared down at my plate of waffles, mindlessly moving pieces around with my fork.
 

“Okay, fine. You are forbidden to discuss this with anyone, do you understand?”

“Yes,” Megan said with obvious excitement.

“Luna?”

I lifted up my head, momentarily puzzled by all the eyes at the table on me.

“What? Oh, sure, I won’t say anything to anyone.” Who would I tell?

“The Council has been drafting this plan for over a year now, and it was recently voted on and validated. The conference was to present this plan to all of the committees, my treasury committee included, and to set the plan into action. They’re calling it the Expansion Project. I think the name is self-explanatory enough, isn’t it?” Mother said icily.

“Um, no. What does that mean?” Megan asked, practically bouncing up and down in her seat.

“It means that I have to slave over paperwork for the next couple months, just to allocate funds for a project that puts my family in danger.”

“Puts everyone in danger,” Father added.
 

Megan and I exchanged annoyed looks at their lack of explanation.
 

“They’re expanding Oportet,” he elaborated.

“What? How?” I asked incredulously. They had my full attention now.

Mother’s lips were tightened into a thin line. “Who knows? I’m not on a construction or defense committee, and the Council refuses to answer anyone’s questions.”
 

Father shot her a look, as if he was wordlessly chastising her tone when speaking of our leaders.
 

“They will be holding another summit this weekend to explain everything to everyone involved in the project. Your father has applied to be a part of the Defense Committee, to make sure our guards will be protecting Oportet the best they can.”
 

Mother’s lack of trust in our government was surprising. She usually put her absolute faith in the Council and all of its decisions. It was against Rule Number Two to do anything else.

Father cleared his throat. “That’s enough about that, let’s talk about how your school year has been going, Megan. You’re about halfway through the semester, aren’t you?”

The conversation was officially over, leaving me to drown in my own thoughts. At least now I had others to dwell on besides Jasper, like the mental image of Oportet’s walls being torn down.

I had to admit, I almost liked the thought of everything that separated us from the Outside reduced to crumbled ruins.

I wished I had been born on the Outside. That would have made my life so much simpler. I wouldn’t have had to suppress all of the thoughts that weren’t up to par with this society’s values, everything I said and did would be free from restrictions, and I would have had the whole truth from the start.

There was a small part of me that wished my memories had stayed buried. Ignorance was bliss, and what had I gained from knowing the truth? Jasper didn’t want me anymore, Aunt May was dead, and I was trapped playing the part of a brain-wiped version of myself—while I was actually dying inside from all that I knew and not being able to do anything about it.

Was I really better off?

Winter break came and went, and spring was steadily approaching. My life was made up of time spent at Aunt May’s home, time spent with Jasper and Lilly, and the lull of schoolwork and family time.

As the year progressed, my parents were pestering me more and more about what I planned to do during my gap year—and what I planned to do with my life.

Jasper and I rarely spoke about the future. We figured that if we didn’t talk about it, then it wouldn’t come. All we could hope for was for everything to stay as it was.

I finished my sessions with the school counselor. I had been meeting with her every Wednesday, and by the end I had her totally convinced that she had changed me, that I was a model citizen again, and that what I had said about being brainwashed was just something Jasper had led me to believe.
 

I was sitting at my desk, working on a research paper for English class. I complained with everyone else when it was first assigned, but I was secretly looking forward to having the excuse to write. I just wished I could write about something other than the mechanics of Oportet’s government.

I had my headphones in, listening to a disk Jasper had given me for my birthday. It was filled with my favorite music from the Outside.
 

My parents both had laptops of their own that they used for work, and they had bought a family laptop years ago so that Megan and I could work on school assignments.
 

Jasper had shown me how to play music from the disk without burning the files to the computer, which meant I could listen without leaving a trace. I shuddered at the thought of my parents listening to the music on this CD—the music that evoked emotion, rather than the dull music allowed in Oportet.

I had the volume turned up far too high, so when I felt a hand on my shoulder it scared me half to death. I ripped the headphones from my ears and spun around in my desk chair, only to meet Jasper’s eyes. I opened my mouth and then closed it. How was he in my room?

“Remember when I bet you I could climb the drainage pipe, pull myself onto the overhang, and get in through your window?”
 

My jaw dropped. I almost didn’t believe what he was implying.
 

“Well, when you just laughed at me, you were basically creating a challenge. Consider that challenge accepted… and completed.

“That’s insane. You could have fallen and broken your neck!”
 

Jasper just grinned, and I knew that I wasn’t being taken seriously.
 

“Wow. I guess you weren’t lying about working on that essay,” Jasper said, looking over my shoulder. I shut the laptop. “Overachiever. Isn’t that thing due in two weeks?”

“Yeah, but I actually like writing, remember?”
 

Jasper just rolled his eyes. “I didn’t think you liked it
that
much.”

“We only get so many writing assignments, and it’s against the rules to write about anything interesting on my own, so what else do I have?” I shrugged. If what I really wanted to do was off-limits, I at least had this.

“I have an idea,” Jasper said like he was talking to a child, looking at me as if there was something obvious I was missing. “Why don’t you write in a journal? You could write whatever you wanted, and all you would have to do is hide it somewhere. No one would ever read it except for you.”
 

I had considered a similar idea a while back, but I had been too concerned about the rule-breaking aspect. Things were different now, and the excitement of being able to act on my desires to write creatively was growing.
 

“I think I’ll do that.”
 

Jasper looked pleased with himself. “I’ve been told that I’m an excellent problem solver.”

“Humble, too,” I joked.
 

I was feeling a sudden sense of paranoia at the single door that separated all that I had worked to hide from my parents. Thinking about what would happen if they saw Jasper in my room was enough to evoke a wave of nervous nausea.
 

It all disappeared when I remembered that they were working late. I also remembered telling Jasper this, which explained his calm demeanor. I doubt he would have risked anything if my parents had been home. He was on probation, after all.

“What do you want to do?” I asked. “With your life, I mean.”

 
Jasper was lounging on my bed, his hands behind his head. He had no problem with making himself at home anywhere he was.

“I don’t know,” was all he said.
 

“You seem to really like music,” I hinted. Surely there was something Jasper was passionate about.

“But what does that matter? I can’t make a job out of that here.”
 

I stayed quiet, confused by the sudden anger in Jasper’s voice.
 

“I used to play a bunch of instruments, you know. My dad taught me,” he continued.

I swallowed. Jasper usually avoided talking about his father.
 

“Piano, guitar, drums…they were all my escape.”
 

Why didn’t I know this? I was feeling hurt thinking about how much I had opened up to Jasper, when there was still so much he was keeping closed off.
 

“Dad was in a band until I was born. He wanted to settle down for me. That didn’t stop him from passing on all of his musical expertise, living vicariously through me. It wasn’t like I didn’t share his love for music, though—because I did. I really did.”
 

Now that Jasper was telling me these things I had this nagging fear that he would close up again. I needed him to keep talking.
 

“When he died, it all stopped. When I sat down to write a song, nothing came. I couldn’t even touch an instrument without feeling like he was dying all over again.” Jasper paused to take a deep breath. “My dad was the reason I got into music in the first place. When he died, it seemed wrong that my music got to keep on living. Now I don’t even have a choice in the matter. I wouldn’t be able to start playing or writing again if I wanted to.” Jasper suddenly sat up, meeting my eyes. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to—”