Awaken (The Awaken Series Book 1) (20 page)

“Don’t apologize. I’m glad you’re letting it all out. I know how much it sucks to have your thoughts attacking you—and never doing anything but keeping them trapped inside.”

“Sometimes I wish we had never moved to Oportet.”
 

Ouch.
 

“But then I remind myself that I would never have met you.”
 

Okay, that was better.
 

“I even avoided listening to music after he was shot, Luna. The first time I got into my mom’s smuggled CDs was after I met you. I started to love music again because of you. I used to feel guilty, but I think I’ve finally come to understand that it’s what my dad would have wanted. That’s all I really care about.”

“You’re right. I think your dad would want you to be happy. Music obviously does that.”

“It isn’t the only thing that makes me happy,” Jasper said, relief flooding through me at the sight of his mouth forming one of his patented mischievous grins.

I smiled back, crawling into his lap. Jasper wrapped his arms around me, holding me against him. My heart was fluttering in my chest, stopping altogether when he leaned down and brushed his lips against my neck.

“You changed everything,” he whispered next to my ear. His breath feathered along my neck, making my skin tingle.

I had always known how much my life had changed since meeting—and subsequently falling in love with—Jasper, but I had never really considered how I had impacted his life.

What Jasper said about music made a lot of sense. Falling in love was like the perfect song. It filled you with all of these powerful emotions, made you forget how to breathe, lifted you up and tore you apart, left you speechless and so full of words all at once.

~~~~~

I had been thinking a lot lately about my childhood. Looking back now, I saw everything so much differently: the books we read, the papers we wrote, and everything we were taught to accept.

One of my fifth-grade teachers had always stuck out as the scariest and strictest in my elementary school. Her students cowered to her every whim to avoid her wrath, which simmered just below the surface, ready to erupt at the slightest infraction. She was the teacher that assigned an essay on the meaning of life.
 

As my peers frantically searched their class notes and dug through their memories to construct the perfect response, I was frowning in my seat. I knew the answer she was looking for. It was something that had always haunted me, something I understood from a young age. My parents drilled this answer into my brain until I no longer had to think about it.

The meaning of life was not supposed to be a deep, subjective, or provocative question. It should not have been a hard question for an elementary student in Oportet. I remember staring at a blank sheet of paper for hours at my little desk in the living room, a crease growing on my forehead as I thought.

The problem was not that I couldn’t think of anything to write. The problem was that I didn’t want to write it. I felt bothered, restricted, and even a little saddened. Mother eventually sat next to me on the floor, looking up at me worriedly.

“What’s wrong, Luna? You know what to write,” she cooed, almost like she was trying to coax the words out of me.

“Why?”
 

Mother’s face hardened at the defiant tone in my voice. “Why what?”

“The answer is to follow the rules, trust the Council, go to school and apply for a useful job, and then retire at age sixty-five. The meaning of life is to live with a clear and set purpose,” I said slowly, wracking my brain for anything I was missing. We had taken notes a week earlier to help us prepare for the paper that would comprise a huge portion of our grade. “But why?”

“If you don’t do those things, then your life becomes meaningless. You become like an Outsider.”
 

I nodded, trying to convince my mind to just shut down and listen to my mother. I didn’t want to get into trouble.
 

“Outsiders hurt innocent people, lie to each other, run wild on the streets, and die having lived a worthless life. That’s why we live here, and not out there. Following the rules, trusting your leaders, obeying your parents, and yes, eventually getting a job, are all a part of the perfect plan Oportet was founded upon. Living your life according to this plan is really the only sensible way to live.”

So that was what I wrote. I did not question the assignment further. What my mother said made perfect sense, and that was what I convinced myself to believe.

~~~~~

“If you think about it, calling anyone who doesn’t live in Oportet ‘Outsiders’ is actually quite brilliant,” Aunt May said, setting her tea down on her coffee table.
 

I loved talking with May. We had the most intelligent—and oftentimes beautiful—discussions about life.
 

“Training those included within a society to regard those outside of it like they are a completely different species encourages a sense of superiority. It encourages a dualistic mindset. It’s us versus them. Good versus evil. Those living the right way pitted against those living the wrong way.”

I nodded. Hearing Aunt May speak was like trying to decipher a genius’s language. It took me a moment to wrap my brain around her complex ideas. After I came to understand her point, though, it was like a huge piece of the puzzle was set in place. What she said made a profound level of sense, and I could feel the truth of her words already within me. I just never knew how to express them.

“So when are you going to introduce me to this boyfriend of yours?”
 

I could feel my cheeks reddening, and I smiled at the thought of my two favorite people meeting. There was not even a possibility that May and Jasper wouldn’t get along. They were already so similar.

“Soon. I promise,” I said. I meant it, too.
 

May’s phone began to ring. She held up a finger to let me know it would only take a second. She bounced over to the phone, tucking her gorgeous blonde hair behind her ear. Something about her demeanor changed as she began talking, her voice lowering until I could no longer make out her words. I pretended I wasn’t paying attention as she cast a glance my way.

I had noticed this same behavior during other phone conversations I had witnessed. May seemed to be keeping whoever was on the other line, and whatever they were discussing, a secret. I was dying to know the truth.

May mouthed “sorry” to me before stepping into a different room, closing the door behind her. She wasn’t even trying to be subtle anymore.

I tapped my foot against the carpet, internally debating whether or not to do something incredibly selfish and rude. I took in a deep breath, coming to a decision.
 

Life was too short.

I tiptoed to the closed door, pressing my ear against the cool wood. Eavesdropping had become a nasty habit for me lately. Why did everyone have to be so secretive anyway? Once my curiosity was provoked, there was no stopping it from making me do incredibly thoughtless things.

“When?” I heard Aunt May ask the mysterious person on the other side of the line. “That soon?”
 

She sounded panicked.
 

“I know, I know. Are you sure he will follow through? We don’t need any slip-ups with his part of the plan. It could cost us everything.”

There was a long pause, and my heart made a jump when I realized that Aunt May might have already ended the conversation. She could open the door at any second to find her niece on the other side of the door, completely disregarding her privacy.
 

The funny thing about guilt was that it always kicked in just after the crime was committed, but never during.

Before I could move, May spoke again. “I really do. I want the best for her, and I feel like I would be abandoning her. I promised myself that I would make sure she had a chance. I always knew she was special.”

I gulped, a shiver running down my spine. She was referring to me. The way she spoke of “her” was making me want to cry. Aunt May loved and appreciated me for who I truly was, not what I pretended to be. That was all I ever wanted from my family.

What did she mean when she spoke of abandoning me? Did she decide that meeting with me was the wrong thing to do? This had always been one of my deepest fears, but I had always written it off as being a ridiculous insecurity. Aunt May enjoyed being in my life just as much as I enjoyed being in hers, right?

“I know. Trust me, I know. We’ll talk soon, okay? I have to go,” May said softly, her voice shaking slightly. “Love you, too.”
 

My eyes widened. Was Aunt May in some sort of secret relationship? Why would she keep that from me?

In a daze, I felt the blood drain from my face at the sound of her footsteps. I had to go. Now.

Walking lightly on the balls of my feet, I made my way back to the peach-colored chair next to the coffee table. I felt my body hit the chair just as May stepped out from her room, and I could tell that it was taking more effort than usual for her to put a smile onto her angelic face.

“Sorry about that,” she said, placing the phone on her kitchen counter and running a hand through her hair.

“It’s fine,” I said, trying just as hard to not sound phased by what I had just overheard, or out of breath from darting back to my seat.

“So what were we talking about?” Before I could even open my mouth she started speaking again, and the normal Aunt May resurfaced—never missing a beat. “Ah, yes. We were talking about Jasper,” she said with raised eyebrows and a playful grin.

~~~~~

“I’m done with this,” Jasper said. We were sitting in the forest, bundled up in warm clothing to beat the thirty-degree wind chill. Spring had decided to postpone its arrival this year by throwing us another round of freezing temperatures.

“With what?”

Jasper and I almost never fought. Aunt May had seemed skeptical when I told her this, claiming that every healthy relationship had conflict. I just shook my head and smiled. We were both so alike—cleverly avoiding confrontation and making sure we were considerate of each other’s feelings—which made fighting a rare occurrence. Every fight we ever had ended in either laughing or kissing, sometimes both.

“With all of this.”
 

I had already picked up on the fact that Jasper was in a pissy mood, so I was trying my best not to add to it. His unusually pessimistic attitude and complaining was making that hard, and it was starting to bring me down with him.
 

I wanted to elbow him in the side and make him snap out of it. We could’ve been having a much better time.

I fought the urge to roll my eyes. “You’ll have to be a little more specific,” I snapped, unable to contain my annoyance.
 

Jasper picked up on it and glanced over at me, but his scowl only deepened. “I’ve been thinking,” he started.
 

I waited, and maybe it had to do with whatever he was about to tell me, or maybe Jasper’s negative energy was somehow transferring over to me, but my mood was rapidly turning sour.
 

“I think we should leave,” he finished.

“What do you mean?”

“We should leave Oportet.”
 

Shock flooded my system. Jasper’s fight with Lilly must have truly been terrible if this was where his mind was now.

“Look, I know that you’re in a mood, and that something happened between you and your mother, but I really don’t think you’re thinking clearly. We can’t just leave.”

“Why not?” Jasper asked defiantly, as if he was just begging for an argument.

“Because we have families, Jasper. Things might be bad in Oportet, but they aren’t that bad. We can figure it out together, okay?”

“That’s not good enough.”

“Excuse me?”
 

Jasper shook his head. “You know that’s not what I mea—”

“A life with me isn’t good enough for you now?” I got up, brushing off pine needles and leaves from my pants after sitting on the bare forest floor. I knew what Jasper meant, but he was also making me angry, so I didn’t feel like giving him that satisfaction.

“I don’t understand why you don’t want to go,” Jasper said, jumping to his feet. “You don’t agree with anything about Oportet, or your parents for that matter. What’s keeping you here?”

I thought about the house that I had lived in my entire life, every memory ever made from within Oportet’s walls, every smile, and every glimpse of joy. This was my home.

I then thought about Aunt May and Megan. I crossed my arms stubbornly.

“I might not agree with them, but I still love my family. It would crush them if I left.”

“Is it really worth your happiness, though?”

“Who says leaving Oportet would make me happy?” Why didn’t just being with me make Jasper happy?

“Oh, don’t give me that. You’ve talked about it before. I know it’s what you want.”
 

“I guess you don’t know me as well as you thought,” I said before turning on my heel and storming off. I didn’t want to talk about this anymore.
 

I stumbled over a rock jutting out of the ground, feeling a set of hands steadying me. I hadn’t even heard Jasper behind me. I sucked in a breath, internally cursing my clumsiness. I shrugged out of Jasper’s grasp, and started off again through the maze of trees.

“Luna.”

I kept walking. What gave Jasper the right to tell me how to feel? Running off with him just because he was fighting with his mother was ridiculous. I couldn’t leave Oportet. It wasn’t even an option.