Awaken (The Awaken Series Book 1) (17 page)

I knew it had only been a few months, but to me it felt like years. I was closer to him than I had ever been with Jenna, and I knew why. It was the same reason I didn’t feel as connected to my family as I did Jasper. I didn’t have to filter anything or bury any part of me. Jasper accepted me in my entirety, without any conditions, and I did the same for him.

Yet, even with the love I knew I had found with Jasper, I could still feel a haunting feeling in my chest, like it could all go up in flames. As much as I tried to brush off the feeling as an irrational fear, it persisted to nag at me.

Returning back to the life I had before I met Jasper seemed impossible, and so utterly painful that I had to push the thought from my mind.

“What are you thinking about?” Jasper asked as we cut through the forest.
 

“A lot of things.”
 

He looked over at me curiously, the corners of his mouth tipping upward. “I can tell. You have your thinking face on. Should I be worried?”
 

I laughed to reassure him. I could worry about my confusing emotions enough for the both of us. “I think too much. That’s my ultimate flaw.” I sighed, trying to shake out all of the annoying, irrational worries and doubts from my head.
 

“I could help you with that if you wanted.”
 

I looked at him quizzically, pushing through the branches to the abandoned playground. “And how could you do that?”
 

His mischievous smirk was unsettling. He stood in front of me studying my face, making me suddenly self-conscious.
 

He lowered his eyes to my lips, and I was becoming aware of exactly how he planned to clear my head. I also knew firsthand how effective a method it was.

Jasper leaned down to kiss me, his hands on my waist, holding me close to him. I could almost feel an instantaneous release of all my tension. With my recent altered perception of Oportet, I could not stop worrying about what the future would hold. Would I try to find a way out of living here, or for the rest of my life would I be trapped in a place with lies and deceit piled as high as its leaders’ thirst for power?

That single thought was the hardest to let go of, but I managed it with my body so close to Jasper’s. With all of the uncertainties, I held on to the fact that I still had Jasper in my future. I couldn’t think of anything that would change that truth.

I pulled away, resting my forehead on his. Even with the autumn chill in the air, I had a kind of warmth inside me—and it wasn’t from my favorite gray sweater.
 

Jasper had the faintest of smiles on his lips, the kind that made me believe we were invincible, that nothing was powerful enough to stop us. It was the kind of smile that validated every thought of hope I had ever possessed, that somehow, we would be able to escape the fate that had been placed on me since my birth. It made me believe that we could somehow break free, even when no one else had.
 

We would find freedom. I did not know when or how, but I knew that was my future. My future was liberation.

I was still sitting in the chair. It had only taken me a minute to recover several weeks worth of memories.

I felt lost. I’d been so hopeful and optimistic about my future last year, and it was heartbreaking to know just how wrong I had been. Hope was no match for what the Council would do to maintain order. My future had not been liberation; it continued to be imprisonment. I remained trapped, and I hadn’t a clue how to free myself.

I finished cleaning up the tea I spilled before the memory then made my way to the staircase. Even when I was home alone I could not break the habit of locking myself up in my bedroom.

Before I could reach the second step, I heard a knock at the door. I turned on my heel and went to the front of the house, peering out the window by the door.

I didn’t realize how much I wanted it to be Jasper until I recognized Megan’s face looking back at me through the glass. I let out a heavy sigh before I opened up the door, Megan tilting her head away from me as she scurried past.

“Megan?”
 

She didn’t turn as she hurried up the stairs. “Yes, I know I’m early, and no, I don’t want to talk,” she said, her voice raspy and strained.

I followed her upstairs, ignoring her protests. She sat down on her bed and didn’t bother closing her door. She knew me too well to think I would let her be.

“Megan, what’s wrong?” I asked, sitting down next to her. I traced circles on her back, comforting her like Aunt May had always comforted me.
 

“I don’t think you would understand,” Megan said quietly.

“And why is that?”

“You’ve changed. You’re perfect now.”
 

I sighed, knowing I was caught between keeping my secret and comforting my sister. “No one is perfect, Megan. You can tell me anything, and I swear to keep it just between the two of us.” I could tell Megan was debating whether or not to confide in me, her forehead creased in thought as tears rolled down her cheeks. She quickly wiped them away with her sleeve.

“Why would you do that? That’s against the rules.”
 

I knew the answer to that question, but somehow my mind could not conjure it up into words.
 

“Because I love you, Megan. You’re my little sister,” I said finally. Megan looked at me, crying even harder. Her slim shoulders were shaking with each sob.

“I did something bad, Luna. Now Stacy hates me,” she managed, barely able to get the words out.

“What did you do?”

“I said that I wished that we didn’t have any rules.”
 

I tried to keep my face unchanged. I would have never thought Megan to be the kind of person to say things against the rules. She had always seemed so dedicated, so obedient. Then again, so had I.

“Why did you say this?”

“I don’t know. It was stupid. I just, well, I have a friend who came from the Outside, and she let me listen to her music. We also watched some movies and read some stories. At first I was just curious. Melanie has always been so nice to me, so I just went along with it and promised myself that it wouldn’t change anything. I knew I was breaking rules, but I just wanted to know what was so bad about the Outside. I know that it was a terrible thing to do, but…” Megan took a sharp intake of breath, a fat tear escaping her eye and rolling down her cheek. “I don’t know how to explain it, Luna. Everything was just so much more emotional and just, really, really, beautiful. I don’t understand why we aren’t allowed to
feel
in Oportet. I just don’t get it. Is it wrong to want to feel something?” She searched my eyes like they would give her all the answers.

“No,” I said finally. “Having emotions is natural, but watching and reading things that make you feel the wrong emotions is dangerous.” For the first time since I started regaining memories, I hated keeping it a secret.
 

I watched as the light in Megan’s eyes faded away with each of my words. I had no other choice; the memory-wiped version of me would say these things. The old me—the version of me that triggered the Council into action—wasn’t safe to reveal to anyone until I figured out the details of last year.
 

“Don’t worry, I won’t tell Mother or Father about this if you promise not to break those rules again. I know that whatever the Outsider showed you seemed good—
intoxicating
—I’ve been there, remember? But they are forbidden for a reason. The Council always has our best interests at heart.”

“How would you know how
intoxicating
the stuff from the Outside is? You don’t remember any of it,” Megan retorted, obviously only listening to that one slip-up.
 

I faltered, trying to think of anything to pull me out of the hole I had dug. Megan stared at me intently as I fumbled.

“Well, I can guess.” I took in a breath. “Regardless, you know what you did was wrong.”
 

Megan looked away, visibly flustered. What kind of answer was she expecting from me?

“You were so different last year,” Megan murmured.

“I caused a lot of needless trouble. I was being selfish and ignorant, and I don’t want you making those same mistakes.” I despised every word that came out of my mouth. I just wanted Megan to be happy, and I didn’t care if that meant breaking some rules to get there.

“When you hit your head and forgot everything I was…
relieved
. Everyone was. Even you.” Megan paused, once again meeting my eyes. “I’m starting to wonder if that was wrong, if all of it was wrong.” Megan was hinting at something deeper, and I thought I knew what it was.
 

Was Megan feeling guilty about keeping Tomlinson’s secret? The scheme to wipe me of my memories? I willed her to come out and say it, to confirm what I had been suspecting all along, but she remained quiet.

The phone ringing in the hallway startled me, and I saw Megan smiling out of the corner of my eye at my jumpiness.

I got up to answer it, casting a final glance at my sister, whom I had just misled greatly. I hoped I would someday have the chance to tell her how I really felt.

“Hello?” I said into the phone.

“Hey.”
 

I felt a smile growing on my lips at the sound of Jasper’s voice.
 

“You should come over and save me from doing chores.” His voice sounded faraway and slightly muffled.

“Oh, is that why you called? I’m flattered that you rank me above washing dishes.”

“I rank you above cleaning my room and running the vacuum too,” he joked. Somehow the humor of his words didn’t make it to his voice.

After an awkward beat of silence I laughed, turning to make sure Megan was still in her room. She was. “Okay. I’ll be over in ten minutes.”

“No, um, I can pick you up.” He paused. “It’s about to rain, anyway.”

“Thanks.” Things seemed strained. Jasper went months without talking to me or thinking I cared about him, so I could understand why our relationship starting up again would be weird for him.

“Yeah, so, I’ll see you then,” he said mumbled.
 

I was unaccustomed to anything less than ease with our conversations. “See you then,” I repeated before hanging up. I shook my head and left to get ready. I hoped hanging out at his house would be less uncomfortable than that phone conversation.

I left my hair down, replaced my sweatpants with jeans, and threw on a floral print sweater. I was in the process of putting on mascara when I heard a knock at the door.

“Shit,” I muttered. Jasper didn’t know that Megan came home early, and I would be completely screwed if she saw Jasper at the door.

I flew to the stairs, noticing Megan slowly making her way out of her room.

“Oh, well, I guess you got that.” Megan gave me a small smile and retreated back through her door.
 

I let out a breath of relief. I wasn’t sure what I would have done if Megan saw Jasper at the door.

“Get in the car, you lunatic,” I muttered, earning a raised eyebrow from Jasper. “Megan came home early from Stacy’s. You’re lucky I beat her to the door.”

“Well that would have been a good thing to know.”

“I forgot. Sue me.”
 

Expecting a smirk, I peered over at an uncharacteristically rigid Jasper. He made his way to the passenger’s side to open the door for me.
 

“Such a gentleman,” I said.

“I find that girls dig that sort of thing.” He swung into the driver’s seat, and then sped off down the road. My heart lurched at the sudden acceleration.

“God, Jasper. You are going to get pulled over… if we don’t
die
first.”
 

Jasper gave me a forced smile, the kind of smile that didn’t make it to his eyes. “Calm down, we’ll be fine.”
 

Jasper looked edgier than he did a year ago. His jawline seemed sharper, his hair messier and more grown out, and the circles under his eyes seemed a shade darker.
 

Jasper pulled into his driveway, and he made no move to exit the car. I was tapping my fingers on my leg absent-mindedly, stopping when I noticed him watching me.

“Luna, I need to tell you something.”
 

I looked over at him, noticing how he wouldn’t look me in the eyes. “Yes?”
 

I could feel my heart speeding up and my stomach churning, warning me that whatever Jasper needed to tell me wasn’t good.
 

I looked out the window, and all of a sudden felt grass tickling my feet. I gasped, looking down to see if anything was rubbing up against them.

“What is it?” I heard Jasper ask, but it was like he was asking me from half a football field away.

I felt my feet moving forward through the grass, getting closer and closer to Jasper’s door. I was also aware of my body that was sitting back in the car seat.

Jasper was saying something else, but it was lost in my mind’s abyss as it tuned into the memory, leaving Jasper and the present behind.

I waited outside the door, hoping to surprise Jasper. It was the first official day of winter break, and I couldn’t think of a better way to spend my time. My parents worked during the day, and Megan was off doing things with her friends, so it would be almost too easy for Jasper and me to hang out all week. I thought I remembered Jasper saying he was home Saturday, but I honestly wasn’t that sure.

“Well, look who it is,” Alex said when he opened the door. He gave me a crooked smile as he let me in. “Hot dress. It really complements your figure.”
 

I rolled my eyes and crossed my arms, not enjoying where his eyes lingered.

“Where’s Jasper?” I snapped.
 

He put his hands up in front of him, detecting the annoyance in my voice. “What’s so great about
him
, anyway?” Alex took a clumsy step towards me, and that’s when I smelled the alcohol. It practically radiated from his body.