Behind Closed Doors (7 page)

“
Yeah,
sometimes I feel like a fool and older than half the students, but
I’m enjoying it mostly.”

“
Mostly?”

I
laughed, “It’s a lot of work. I don’t have a lot of
free time, but the distraction helps me stay on course. What are you
doing here?”

He
hesitated, “I’m looking for you.”

“
Me?”

“
Elle,
I hate how I ended things. I know this is bullish of me, but would
you consider going out with me?”

“
I
don’t know if I can go there again, Alex. I started to have
feelings.”

“
I
can’t stop thinking about you, Elle. I’ll be honest, I’ve
thought of calling you so many times, but didn’t know what to
do.”

“
I’ve
thought a lot about you too,” I admitted.

“
Consider
giving us another chance?”

“
And
what if our picture is splashed across a paper again?”

“
So
be it, I’ll hope they get my good side.”

I
smiled and stood. It was comfortable in his arms, as he pulled me
into an embrace. “I’ve missed talking to you.”

“
So
that’s a yes?”

“
I
think it is.”

We
were going to try again. There was something there and we both
recognized it. It wasn’t some burning fire, but there was a
spark, an ember. It was the start of something that could grow to be
much more.

Being
buried in school, I didn’t have as much time to obsess or worry
about our upcoming date, and when we finally went out, I was so much
more relaxed than our previous first date.

We
went to a local tavern. I wore a soft beige sweater and slacks. I
felt comfortable and ready to start over. He met me in jeans and a
grey sweater of his own. Sitting in the booth talking, we fell right
back into the pattern of where we were before. It didn’t feel
like work, and we both knew the other wanted to be there. There was
no hurry to make things move faster, and there was no worrying if the
other was invested. Time had passed, and we both realized we wanted
to see each other again. It had to be his idea though, since he was
the one that had backed out.

Sharing
a plate of snacks, we picked at the food before us. Alex poured me a
glass of beer from the pitcher on our table, and we updated each
other on what we’d been doing in our time apart.

Alex
spoke. “I’d like to be forward, and ask you something.”

I
was curious, what could he be talking about? I waited to hear what
he had to say.

“
I’d
like to take you home with me tonight, if you’d consider it.”

I
blushed, not expecting those words. I knew what he was referring to.
I hadn’t been with a man in a long time.

“
I
can’t stop thinking about you, and I’d like to…”
he stopped. “I’m moving too fast, I know.”

“
It
does feel fast, Alex. We’re just getting back together. What’s
the hurry?”

“
I’ve
known you for a long time, Elle, and quite frankly have wanted to be
a part of your life. After that happened and I turned away, I
regretted it. I didn’t know what to do. I’m not good with
a spotlight on me, and yet I didn’t stop having feelings for
you. I started having feelings for you when we worked together.”

“
And
I have feelings for you, but I don’t think I’m ready to
go there yet. You do understand, don’t you? I’d like to
take things slowly, Alex, I need to.”

“
I
understand, and it was wrong of me to ask. It’s just that I
have these urges, and then I see you,” he said quietly.

The
flush rose quickly to my cheeks, “I’m flattered, but I’m
just not ready.”

“
I
haven’t been with a woman in a while. I kept hoping it would be
you,” he said.

“
It
can be me, just not today,” I said, softly stroking his hand.
“I haven’t…” I started, “well, it’s
been a while for me too. Can you wait? I promise it will be worth
it.”

“
Of
course I can, it was wrong of me to bring it up so soon,” he
said, apologizing.

“
I
don’t mind, in fact I’m flattered. I hoped you were
attracted to me that way,” I said looking down, a little
embarrassed to admit that out loud.

“
I’m
so attracted to you that it’s crazy. I’ve wanted to hold
you in my arms and make love to you since before, and working with
you,” he stopped. “I’ve said too much.”

I
smiled, “Alex, I’m flattered.” Changing the topic,
“Why don’t you tell me what you’ve been up to at
work?”

The
conversation got back on track, and I’m not even sure what
spurred the earlier topic, but it left me warm and tingly inside. I
felt wanted, desired, though I did feel like it would be rushing
things to move on to those kinds of actions all ready. It was too
soon, and I certainly wasn’t ready. I did care about Alex, but
I needed things to move slower.

At
the end of the night, as he leaned in to kiss me, it was with more
hunger and passion. His earlier words of desired filled my mind, and
as my lips parted to accept his tongue into my mouth, I sighed
lightly feeling him against me. The thought of his arms around me,
naked, under the covers, I found myself more aroused than I intended.
I couldn’t give that away – not tonight, or we’d
end up doing things I wasn’t ready to do.

In
all honesty, it had been a long time since I’d been with a man.
Harry and I barely had intimacy the last few years of our marriage.
Once he’d taken to fooling around with other women, I wanted
nothing to do with him, and felt foolish for staying as long as I
did. I felt responsible though, like I was an important aspect of his
career, and it seemed selfish leaving. When I regained my
self-respect, leaving was the only thing left to do.

I
wondered what it would be like to be with another man. Harry and I
spent countless hours making love early in our relationship, and then
as our marriage faded, I barely even thought about those kinds of
things. Now that my fires within were stirring again, I couldn’t
help but linger on the naughty, delicious thoughts that drifted
through my mind.

Alex
was a strong and confident man, and I expected him to be the same way
in bed. I looked forward to when we’d share those kinds of
moments, but there was no rush. I wanted to be sure I was ready
before opening deeper feelings that would arise.

I
promised myself I’d take it one date at a time, and make a
decision when it felt right. Alex promised not to pressure me, and
the more we discussed it, the more he understood why I needed to
wait. I needed to feel like we were both ready, and I just wasn’t.

With
school and studying, my time was more limited, but we managed to
sneak in another date the following weekend. We went to a winery and
enjoyed some wine tasting. As he dropped me off, he escorted me to
the door. In the dim lighting, our lips and bodies pressed together.
Alex’s hands caressed my body through my clothing, and as his
mouth moved down to the curve of my neck, I felt a familiar warm
sensation unfold inside of me. It would be so easy, so simple to open
the door and invite him in to continue our sexual journey, but I
forced myself to wait a little longer.

We
said our goodnights, and as he pulled the car out of my driveway, I
turned to go inside. Closing the door, I pressed my body to it and
lingered on the thoughts of his hands on my body.

I
wanted to invite him inside, but I knew that was asking for trouble.
He was ready, and my body would have responded. It was better this
way. It was in that instant that I heard the loud crash. It sounded
close, way too close for comfort.

I
ran out the door to look, and there in front of my driveway were two
mangled cars, one of them belonging to Alex. I screamed and ran,
digging into my pocket for my phone. Running up to the scene, I
called out for Alex, but he wasn’t moving. Dialing 9-1-1, I
called in the accident. Assessing the scene, I scrambled to the other
car. They seemed coherent. Running back to Alex’s car, I tugged
and tugged at the handle of his car door but it wouldn’t budge.
Panic ran through me, I felt vulnerable and helpless as he lay there
unable to respond.

The
tears were hot down my face, and as the other people got out of their
car, they came to help me pull at the car door. It was useless. He
slowly started to stir, and I yelled out to him not to move, for fear
of him doing any damage to his neck or back. Thankfully his airbag
had deployed, but he must have hit his head on the window, because he
was knocked out and there was blood lightly smeared on the glass that
had partially shattered.

I
heard the sirens in the distance, but they didn’t come fast
enough for my liking. I wanted them here now, and it felt like
forever waiting. The couple in the other car was shaken up, and said
they didn’t see him pulling out. It was too late before they
could stop the car. How fast were they driving? This street has a
speed limit of 35 mph, and the damage they did to the side of his car
said they were going much faster. I controlled my fear and panic the
best I was able, and tried to stay as calm as I could for Alex.

I
talked to him, to make sure he stayed awake and coherent. As the
ambulance and police arrived, they went to work doing what needed to
be done. They went in through the other side, something my brain just
couldn’t fathom in my panicked state. It amazed me how they
could look at a scene, see all the blood and stay true to their job.

Soon
Alex was boarded and on a gurney, and as they wheeled him to the
ambulance, the officer on the scene asked for any details we had. I
didn’t see anything as I was inside my home, but told him I
placed the call on seeing what happened. Riding behind Alex to the
hospital, I followed the ambulance to the emergency section of the
hospital and parked my car. Rushing in, I made sure they knew I was
with him, and that he knew I wasn’t going anywhere until I knew
he was okay.

If
I’d invited him in, this wouldn’t have happened. I should
have asked him inside. He’d be okay, and none of this would be
going on. I felt guilt for something I couldn’t control, and
even though I knew it wasn’t my fault, let myself feel the
burden. He wanted to come inside with him – if I’d
agreed…if he stayed…

“
Mrs.
Michaels,” they finally called out to me. “You can come
back now.”

He
had a concussion and would stay the night. The airbag prevented a
much worse scenario, and with a few cuts and a bruise forming on the
side of his face, I breathed a sigh of relief that Alex would be
okay. Sitting beside him, I held his hand. “I was so scared. I
thought I might lose you when you were so still,” I said,
wiping a tear with my spare hand.

“
I’m
right here,” he said. “I’m not going anywhere.”

I
exhaled deeply, “Don’t you dare go anywhere, I’m
not through with you yet,” I smiled softly and squeezed his
hand.

They
kept him overnight for observation, and after a few hours I was sent
home. Curled up in bed, I couldn’t get the image of Alex out of
my mind. Seeing him so still, helpless in the car, it gave me a
scare. If something happened…I tried to stop myself from going
there, but my brain kept forcing the issue.

The
night made something painfully aware to me, I had very strong
feelings for Alex Stone, and I think they were teetering on the edge
of love. We didn’t have a traditional relationship, and were
barely dating again, but all the time we spent together in the past
counted. I’d grown to count on his silent strength, and then as
we reconnected all this time later, I think it advanced things
quicker than a normal relationship. Could I truly be in love with the
man that used to stand by my side as my bodyguard?

I
knew the answer to that question, even if I was avoiding the truth –
because the thought of being in love with somebody scared the hell
out of me. The last person I was in love with tore my heart out and
spit on it. I’d have to trust this man to treat me better.

You
really don’t know what the future holds – you walk in
blindly, confessing your feelings, hoping you’ll both cling to
the love that you share. When it reality one of you often shits on
the other, and the entire thing implodes on itself. Look at the
divorce rate… my mind was spinning too fast to keep up, and I
slowly spiraled down the slippery slope of what would happen if I
admitted my true feelings.

After
Alex was released from the hospital, he came to see me. I didn’t
know whether to tell him what I thought, but before I had time, he
confessed he had something to tell me. Would he say the words I’d
been thinking – that maybe this was love after all. That as he
stood by my side, watching over me, he fell in love with me, only to
finally be able to share those feelings today now that I’m
single?