Behind Closed Doors (2 page)

I
thought I’d accepted Harry’s behavior, but in truth I was
kidding myself. What woman could accept it and not feel slighted?
Seeing his slut leaving through the front door stung; at least leave
me my dignity, what little bit that’s left.

Hunter
spoke softly, “If I may, Elle,” he started.

I
turned to look at the strong man standing just behind me, “Yes?”

“
You’re
a graceful woman, you deserve better treatment.”

“
Thank
you, Hunter.” He didn’t have to say that. I appreciated
his words.

“
I’d
best not say anymore, out of respect.”

I
nodded and understood. He was in a difficult position, working for
both myself and Harry, though Harry had his own people following his
every move. We went through a government agency that assigned our
guards. Hunter had been with me for a while now, but being in the
Governor’s home he knew his boundaries.

When
Harry came through the kitchen looking for something to snack on, he
found me pouring a drink.

“
So
nice of you to join me,” I shot sarcastically. “I saw
your harlot today leaving through the front door, the god damn front
door, Harry. Have a little decency, would you? It’s bad enough
to know you’re fucking the whore, but you don’t have to
throw it in my face.”

“
I
wasn’t expecting you home so early,” he simply said.
Grabbing a plate with grapes and cheese, he excused himself, leaving
me to stand alone. Nothing else was said. Not I’m sorry, not
even it won’t happen again, simply a slap in the face saying he
wasn’t expecting me home.

Some
days I wasn’t sure why I stayed. I had no idea how to take my
life back without leaving, and right now I felt tied here. With his
possible upcoming bid for vice presidency, what did that mean for me?
Would I live the lie longer, in bigger, brighter lights? Would
everybody and their mother know we were in a loveless marriage? It
wasn’t always this way – and yet I couldn’t
remember how it used to be anymore.

When
had I stopped being enough?

Pouring
another drink, I drowned my sorrows and headed upstairs alone.

Stopping
to find Harry, I thought about talking to him about this, seeing if
he even wanted to work on our marriage. I found him in his office,
kicked back with his feet on his large mahogany desk. He was sifting
through a handful of papers, casually glancing at them, while popping
grapes into his mouth.

“
Harry,”
I started, not even sure what I wanted to say.

He
looked up over his reading glasses, his head tilting so he could see.
“Hmm,” he said, annoyed that I’d interrupted.

“
Never
mind,” I said, turning and leaving. He didn’t try to stop
me, didn’t ask what I came for, he simply went back to what he
was doing.

Climbing
into bed, I set my drink on the nightstand. I picked a book sitting
on my nightstand, and found where I’d left off. I must have
read the same damn sentence four or five times. My mind was
distracted, and I knew reading would be fruitless at this point.

This
isn’t the life I wanted. When I let myself dream, I saw myself
happier – and not with Harry. He wasn’t the key to my joy
anymore. I honestly didn’t know what was. It had been too long
since I’d truly felt like myself. I was going through the
motions, without feelings attached to them.

I
let my mind drift, and surprisingly it stopped on Hunter of all
people. It’s not that I was emotionally invested in the man;
it’s just that he’s the only one that was there for me
day to day. I felt like I could almost call him my friend. The fake
friends, the ones on the committees and that wanted to be seen with
the Governor’s wife weren’t true friends, but Alex let me
talk. He watched out for me silently, and was always there. It was
silly for me to moon over the man; it was his job to be by my side. I
felt like a schoolgirl with a crush, and blushed at the idea I’d
even thought of him romantically for the tiniest second. It’s
not like that – it’s just that I’m so damn lonely
that I don’t know what to think about anymore.

Hunter
was a strong, sturdy man. His body was solid and toned. Attractive as
he was, he wasn’t the normal type of man I fell for. It was the
studious men, the ones who could capture you in debate, and talk
until the wee hours of the morning that excited me. Hunter was a good
looking man, but he barely spoke when he was beside me. This was
purely physical – and for the moment, it was enough.

I
missed Harry, and what we used to have. In mourning, I held out my
glass to him and slugged down the rest of my vodka martini. “Fuck
you, Harry,” I paused, then said it again, “Fuck you.”

Turning
off the light, I pulled the covers around me and got lost in the dark
of the night and my mind. I couldn’t settle, and after tossing
and turning, I sat up. Turning the light back on, I sighed heavily
and got out of bed.

Looking
for my husband, I found him once again. I hated myself for saying it,
but I was lonely. “Harry, do you want to sleep in my room
tonight?” It was my polite invitation to spend some time
together as a couple. Our love was fleeting, but I wanted to be held.

“
Not
tonight, Elle. I have an important meeting in the morning,” he
said, barely looking up.

The
chill in the air came from his gaze, not the actual temperature.

“
Of
course,” I said and turned. A hot tear rolled down my cheek.
It’s not like I expected him to join me, but I had to ask. I
hadn’t felt arms around me in way too long.

I
can’t keep doing this. It was killing me a little bit at a
time. How many more years would I be able to live this way?

With
the rising of the sun, I woke and went to shower. Standing under the
spray of the water, I stared at the wall, my lack of emotions eating
me up. I want to feel again – and right now the only thing I
could feel was disappointment and frustration.

Harry
was rummaging through the fridge when I joined him in the kitchen.
“Good luck at your meeting,” I said, trying not to spit
out my words.

“
What
meeting?” He asked oblivious that was the blow off he gave me
last night.

I
bit my lip and left the room with a cup of tea.

With
the change of guards, Alex was back by my side. Hunter followed me to
my office and stood patiently as I pushed through papers. I had a
charity event to finish planning and a lunch with some ladies that
wanted my husband to speak at one of their meetings. They were going
to kiss up to me, hoping I’d put in a good word for them. I
hated the transparency of these things – but went along with
them anyway.

“
Hunter,”
I called out, and waited for him to enter the room.

He
turned and looked through the doorway, “Yes, Ma’am?”

“
Please
call me Elle,” I reminded. “Would you sit with me for a
bit?” He was in dark slacks with a black leather belt, highly
polished shoes, and a crisp white button down shirt.

I
wondered what he looked like in more casual clothing.

Hunter’s
dark hair highlighted his face. His eyes were often hidden beneath
sunglasses, but inside I got to see the crystal blue of his eyes. He
was a handsome man, and the lonelier I got, the more I noticed.

His
frame was broad and sturdy, and when he was near, I knew he’d
take care of me. At least somebody would. With his military training,
I knew I was safe, but it’s not like anyone had interest in the
Governor’s wife, it was more for show. My life wasn’t in
jeopardy.

Hunter
sat in one of the leather chairs, his posture still alert. He did as
he was told, but I could sense he was uncomfortable.

“
Tell
me more about you,” I said, desperate for conversation that
went in both directions. It seemed that when I talked to Harry, it
was one sided most of the time.

“
I’m
not much for conversation,” he said.

“
Could
you try for me?” I felt pathetic asking him to have a
conversation with me, almost pleading, but I needed a connection, any
connection.

He
took a deep breath, “When I was in training, and back in my
military days, I never expected to be here.”

“
Are
you disappointed?” I asked, not thinking about what his other
goals might have been.

“
No,
not disappointed, just realizing my life took a different path,”
he said. “What about you?”

“
I
like how you steered it back to me,” I smiled. “Since
you’re obviously not going to fill in more details, I’ll
go.” I laughed lightly. “I’m on the path I
expected, but it’s not as joyful as I’d intended. I
thought I’d like it more and I thought my husband would…”
she trailed off. “Never mind,”

“
Mrs.
Michaels, would you like me to stay?”

I
nodded silently. “I’m lonely, Alex. May I call you Alex?”

“
Yes,
Ma’am, you may call me whatever you’d like.”

“
Would
you just stay here with me while I work for a bit,” I said
quietly, almost embarrassed by my loneliness.

“
Yes,
Ma’am.”

“
Alex,
please call me Elle,” I reminded.

“
I’m
sorry, yes, Elle.”

“
Thank
you.” I looked across at my bodyguard and wondered if he was
happy. Did he have a family, a relationship, children…I
honestly didn’t know. “Alex, do you have children?”

“
No,
Ma’am…No, Elle,” he said correcting himself. “No
children.”

“
Is
that too personal?” I hoped I didn’t offend him by asking
these questions.

“
I’m
not used to discussing personal things at work,” he answered
simply.

“
Does
it make you uncomfortable?”

“
I
prefer to stick to my job,” he said, looking a little awkward.

“
I’m
sorry, Alex. I didn’t mean to pry.” I blushed, realizing
I’d put him on the spot out of sheer loneliness.

“
It’s
okay,” he answered, and then said nothing.

I
went back to sorting my papers, and opened my laptop. Occasionally
I’d glance up and see him sitting before me, still alert and
still with perfect posture. I wondered if he ever slouched, or wore
jeans, or if his hair ever got windblown. He seemed to keep things
perfectly together, and made even sitting there seem effortless, when
I knew he must be bored to tears.

Finishing
my business, I stood and headed to change for the day’s events.
I hated that every hair had to be in place, and every outfit had to
be perfectly coordinated. I never knew if there’d be a photo
op, and I had to be ready, representing as the Governor’s wife.
I missed being able to wear a loose ponytail, or jeans and a t-shirt
for an outing. It was the little things that I missed the most. It
was all about image, and with a possible Vice Presidency bid coming
up, image was more important than ever.

I
pulled on my blazer, layering it over my silk blouse and took one
last glance in the mirror. Choosing comfortable heels with a chunkier
and shorter heel said sensible, but that I put effort in. I missed
sexy heels, but these offered a more conservative approach, something
we needed right now.

Tucking
my hair behind one ear, I reached down and picked up my bag. “Alex,
I’m ready,” I called out to the man waiting in the
hallway.

“
You
look lovely, Elle.” His voice was softer than usual. I think he
was trying to be nice, and felt sorry for me after this morning’s
attempt at conversation.

I
swallowed hard and decided to break the ice. The formality was
killing me. I craved real conversation. “So, did you see
Harry’s harlot yesterday? What did you think?”

He
didn’t know how to answer, “Ma’am.”

“
Alex,
for the final time, please call me Elle. Really, I’d greatly
appreciate it.”

“
I’m
here to do a job, Elle. I don’t want to cross boundaries.”

“
I
understand. You’re not my friend, you’re my bodyguard,”
I said bitterly.

“
And
for the record,” he said under his breath, “She looked
like a two dollar hooker.” He smiled a small smile and winked.
“It’s a fine line I walk, Elle. I’m here to do a
job, and I need to do it.”