Behind Closed Doors (9 page)

“
You’ve
got my heart, you never lost it,” I said, admitting my truth.
“The night of the accident, I knew when I saw you, there was no
doubt.”

He
leaned over and kissed my forehead. “I’ve been in love
with you for way too long. I just wasn’t sure what I needed.
You were off limits though.”

“
Really?”

“
Yep,
standing by your side, you had this quiet grace. I remember when you
came inside, after Harry’s mistress left out the front door, I
watched you walk down the hallway. You’d just come in and
pulled your shoes off, and I wanted to pull you into my arms and tell
you I wouldn’t treat you that way,” he paused, “but
of course I couldn’t. You didn’t belong to me, you were
married to another man, and I had to respect those boundaries.”

“
I
didn’t know,” I said, “I wouldn’t have
guessed.”

“
No
more guessing,” he answered, “now you know. I love you,
Elle.”

I
was relaxed, pressed against my lover, and realized my life was about
to change. We were committed to one another, and would be moving
forward again as a couple. What that meant for us, I had no idea. I
didn’t have illusions of marriage and babies, but I did have
visions of being with Alex for many years to come. I hoped he felt
the same way.

“
What
will you do now?” I asked, realizing he’d left his job to
travel.

“
I’ve
got time to fall back into work,” he said relaxed. “I’ve
got investments, money tucked aside. I may be able to squeeze back
into my old work place as well. I’ve got a lot of good contacts
at the agency.”

Listening
to him talk, my head now on his chest, I felt a sense of calm. He had
a certain confidence that was reassuring.

Alex
found another position within the same security detail he worked with
previously, and fell back into his regular routine. Things were going
well, and we’d finally done things right, dating like a regular
couple. I just didn’t see it coming. How could I? I think we
were both shell shocked when the news hit.

Harry
had suffered a fall, and was left in a coma after hitting his head on
the sidewalk. They were discussing the decision to possibly take him
off of life support, and as the news spread a debate rose up.

I
sat stunned watching the news. I didn’t know what I felt. I
wasn’t still in love with the man, but I didn’t want him
to die either. How did I not know? His parents didn’t inform
me. Why would they, we’re divorced, and yet seeing it on the
news like everyone else stung.

Sitting
in front of the television, Alex saw the color drain from my face.
“I’m so sorry,” he said, turning to me. “Are
you okay?”

“
I
don’t know,” I said, staring at the television. “I
don’t know what I’m supposed to feel.”

I
wanted to see him, be there, and yet I didn’t. It was
confusing, not knowing how I felt. I sat in a vulnerable place,
wanting him to be okay.

“
Whatever
you’re feeling is natural, so don’t try to judge those
thoughts.”

“
I
just never thought he might not be here,” I said. “He’s
too young.”

Alex
wrapped his arm over my shoulder. “It’s okay to be
confused, or sad, or even have feelings about him. He was a big part
of your life.”

“
It
feels weird talking to you about it,” I said, looking at him.
“I mean, you know we were married and all, but it’s just
weird.”

“
Do
you want some time alone?”

“
I
think I want to see him, and yet I know I wouldn’t be welcome
at the hospital. I’m not sure how to process the news.”

“
Why
don’t I head home, and let you have some time alone so you can
work through this. If you’d prefer, I can stay. I’m not
sure which will help you more.”

“
You’re
sweet,” I said, leaning into Alex. “I don’t know
what I want. I mean, he’s not a part of my life anymore, but I
don’t want this. I don’t want him to die.”

He
squeezed my shoulder gently, his arm still draped over me. “Do
you want to be alone?”

“
I’m
not sure,” I said staring ahead. “I feel a little lost.”

“
You’re
going to need some time,” he said standing up. “I’ll
check in with you later.”

“
Do
you mind?” It’s like he knew what I needed more than I
did.

“
Not
at all, it’s a lot to absorb.”

I
got lost in the two sides of the coin, and couldn’t look away
from the debate on a news station. It pained me to hear it, but then
my own mind wrapped around it. If I was still married to him, what
would I do? I kept coming back to the words “quality of life”,
and yet the thought of turning off life support overwhelmed me. The
thing is, it wasn’t my decision to make, and as sad as I was
for him, I was grateful it didn’t fall on my shoulders. It was
more decision than I could handle.

I
finally turned off the television and sat in the quiet of my living
room. I played back our relationship from beginning to end, and then
tucked it away in a box in my mind. I mourned for what we had, what
we used to be, and for his current situation. It seemed like a
lifetime ago, and yet it really wasn’t that long ago.

When
Alex checked in later that evening, I thanked him for giving me time.
I knew I’d need another day or so to process all my feelings,
but I liked that he was there for me. He patiently sat on the phone
as I talked about my past. It felt odd sharing little details, but he
knew I had to find my closure – it was the only way I’d
make peace with what was happening.

I
was sad when I heard the news that Harry had passed. His parents
finally made the decision to remove the life support, and as his body
shut down, Harry Michaels became someone that I used to know. His
life was no more.

My
schedule was hectic. I was moving through finals for my semester, so
my head was buried in my books and notes. Time was passing, and the
more time we spent together, the more I grew attached to Alex. I saw
us having a life together, and the possibilities were endless. My
main focus was to finish school and start a career. Alex on the other
hand hinted that he wanted more than to just continue on this path.
He had bigger goals, and that included making me his wife. He wanted
a family.

I
wasn’t ready to move that fast. I’d been through one
marriage, and wasn’t sure I was ready for a second. He didn’t
come out and ask me yet, but he was hinting at the possibility. I
think he was feeling me out, and I didn’t have the heart to
tell him I had different visions of our future.

I
saw us building our careers, not having a family, and some day
traveling together – maybe finish that trip he started, but
this time together. His visions included children, more than one or
two. With a family, how would I focus on my career?

I
wanted to help battered women put their lives back together. I wanted
to do pro-bono work, and I wanted to find my identity, my place in
the world. It’s not that I didn’t think children would be
a wonderful addition to our family if we wed; I just wasn’t
sure how to fit in all of the pieces.

The
more we discussed our future, the more we realized we were at a
divide. We wanted different things, all while wanting to stay
together. What did that mean for our relationship? Were we simply two
people that wanted to be together due to a mutual attraction, or did
we have unified goals we would work towards? Everything became
clouded, and I began to question our path. Was this meant to be, or
was this simply a short term relationship that would launch us in two
different directions?

I
think the more we talked about it, we saw something we didn’t
want to see. We finally got to the point where we started to avoid
the topic. Our futures, our choices – they weren’t the
same. Now what? Do we go our own ways, live our own lives and dreams,
or do we find compromise and stay together?

Alex
stopped talking about marriage and children, and I stopped inviting
him over as often as I used to. I was torn, told him I was busy, and
in truth I was. I had exams to get through, but I was also scared.

I
didn’t want to lose Alex, but we had very different ideas of
what our future would be. I wasn’t sure we could compromise
without losing who we were, or what we wanted in our lives. We were
left divided, uncertain what to do.

The
answer came from Alex. I didn’t expect it.

“
Elle,
I’ve done a lot of soul searching, and we need to talk.”

My
heart was broken before he could get out his words. I wasn’t
ready to split and go our own ways. I loved him, and yet…

“
I’d
rather be with you than without you, and if that means we do things
your way, then that means I compromise. If you decide you want
children at some point, then we have children. If it’s your
career you want to dive into, then I’ll support you one hundred
percent. I’ve put a lot of time and thought into this, and I
just can’t imagine not having you in my life.”

I
felt a weight lift off of my shoulders, and when he dropped to one
knee, I felt the tears welling up inside. Reaching into his pocket,
he pulled out a ring – a gorgeous solitaire diamond sparkled in
the light.

I
was overwhelmed in the most wonderful way. I hadn’t expected
this, and didn’t know where we were headed. I was terrified I
might lose him, and now this. I loved Alex, and was crushed at the
thought of us parting ways. I was incredibly grateful he’d come
to the same conclusion – we belonged together.

“
Elle,
would you do me the honor of being my wife?”

Looking
at Alex, I was speechless. He took me by surprise, I thought he was
about to end things. Yet here we were, and he just asked me to marry
him! I couldn’t stop crying, the fear of losing Alex dissipated
and all that was left was our future – together.

I
was nodding, crying, laughing, “Yes, Alex, yes!”

The
smile that spread across his face matched my own. Taking me into his
arms, he wrapped me up and covered me in sweet kisses. “I’m
so thrilled, I was nervous to ask you.”

I
caught myself for a second, before I got swept away in the joy.
“Alex, are you certain? I know how much you wanted children,
and I can’t promise anything. With school, a career, and even
getting older,” I hesitated, wanting to make sure he
understood.

“
I’m
sure. I can’t imagine my life without you in it. There’s
no hurry, but I want you to be my wife one day.” His words were
soft and genuine, and I only had to ask once. I saw the happiness, in
his blue eyes; he meant what he was saying.

Bringing
my mouth to his, we shared a tender kiss. “Come to bed with me,
Mr. Stone” I smiled. I felt naughty and loving. I wanted to be
intimate with my future husband, and had missed this feeling between
us. The last few weeks had been difficult, and I was relieved to put
the worry behind me.

“
Okay,
future Mrs. Stone,” he said, and then corrected, “or keep
your name, or hyphenate, whatever works for you. Look Elle, I don’t
care what you want to do, as long as you’ll be my wife.”

“
Oh,
you’re not getting off that easy, I’d love to wear your
name,” I grinned.

“
I’d
like nothing better,” he cooed, his hands reaching for the edge
of my shirt, as we walked.

Stripping
down to nothing, we climbed into bed and snuggled against one
another, sharing kisses and reveling in the moment. We’d be
husband and wife one day, and nothing in the world would make me
happier. Mrs. Stone, I smiled playing with the words in my head. So
maybe I’m a little old fashioned that way, there’s
nothing wrong with that.

Alex’s
mouth lured me into a delicious state of satisfaction. Sliding down
between my legs, my future husband pleasured me, pressing his mouth
to my body. With his tongue hitting all my sweet spots, I arched my
back and moaned with release. My breathing ragged, I pulled him back
up to me, “If you keep doing things like that, I’ll never
let you leave,” I laughed.

“
That’s
my evil plan; I’ll keep you sexually satisfied until you cave
to my ways.”

Laughing,
“It just might work.”

Our
bodies connected, and as he climbed over me, I parted my legs to let
him in. As he penetrated my opening, I gasped and held fast. Watching
him over me, there was nobody I’d ever wanted more. Wrapping my
legs up and around him, I pulled him closer, deeper, and panting with
each push, each thrust, I cried out with orgasm.