Behind Closed Doors (8 page)

I
braced myself, not sure what I’d say in return. If I admit my
feelings, there’s no going back.

Only
he didn’t tell me he loved me. Instead, he told me he’d
done a lot of soul searching after his accident, realizing his life
could have ended. The couple that hit him was speeding, and the
damage was so much more than it should have been, and as his car
careened over, his life flashed before his eyes. He realized there
was something he had to do, and as he started to say the words,
everything changed.

I
waited, thinking he was about to say those three little words, but
what came out instead floored me.

“
I’m
going on a safari, and want to travel. I want to go to Alaska and
Africa, and I want to see the pyramids, and I want to scuba dive near
the Coral Reef in Australia. I’m not ready to settle into a
life of simplicity – not yet. I haven’t traveled in ages,
and I think it’s time.”

I
didn’t know what to say. Certainly he would do those things a
little bit at a time, right, and stay here in the meantime. I waited
for him to fill in the details.

He
paused, “You could go with me.”

“
I
can’t, Alex,” but we both knew it was a polite
invitation, not one from his heart. “I have school.”

When
the words came out that he was going to set a year aside and explore
the world, I saw what I thought was a possible relationship slipping
through my fingers. “What, an entire year? What about work,
money, life doesn’t just stop. Wow, how exciting, that’s
great.” I should have been encouraging him to chase his dreams,
but in doing so it would take him out of my life. I knew that in a
year’s time everything would change. It took every ounce of
focus to support his dream, realizing it would take him away.

“
I
know, right? I’m really excited. The more I think about it, the
more I realize the time is now, and there’s no reason for me to
put this off. I’ve got plenty of money stashed away,
investments, the means to make it a reality. I can settle back into
life when I get back.”

I
nodded, my thoughts frozen, my mouth unable to work anymore. I was
about to tell him I loved him, and he was about to leave. I had
nothing else to say. I finally squeaked out the words, “You’re
leaving?”

“
I
guess I am,” he saw the look on my face. “Oh Elle, I’m
sorry. I figured you weren’t really ready for this relationship
anyway. I feel like I forced it on you, showing up again,” he
stammered.

“
Right,
you’re right,” I faked. “I need to focus on school.
Law school is taking more of my time than I expected. The studying is
intense,” I said, trying to give him the out he desperately
needed. “When will you leave?”

“
The
sooner the better,” he said.

We
sat looking at one another, watching what might have been crumble
before us. Before it truly got started, it stopped again. Maybe it
wasn’t meant to be.

I
politely sat with him and held back the tears that wanted to sneak
out, pasting a smile on my face as he told me where he wanted to
travel, and what he wanted to do. As the conversation wore down, I
walked him out to the rental car waiting in my driveway, and with a
simple sweet kiss, he said good-bye. We parted ways in that moment,
and I knew he wouldn’t be back. In a year’s time, our
feelings will have changed, and we’ll have grown apart. This
was truly good-bye.

I
watched him pull out of my drive, and turned to go inside. The last
twenty-four hours had been one heck of a ride. First worrying about
him, and then realizing I loved him, and now losing him – it
was all too much. I was grateful for school and distraction, because
the feelings that were starting to flood my brain were overwhelming
me.

I
sat on the edge of the sofa, staring ahead. I steeled myself, not
wanting to release the tears. I’m stronger than this. It wasn’t
meant to happen, we have different goals. It’s good for him to
have this adventure, and school will keep me busy. It’s
probably better this way – I wasn’t ready to invest in a
real relationship.

As
a single hot tear rolled down my cheek, I stood and smoothed my
shirt. Walking to my desk, I felt the stiffness in my shoulders.
Sitting down, I opened my book and started to read. After reading the
same damn sentence eight or nine times, I dropped my head down and
let it out. The raw grip of emotions washed through me, and as I
cried over losing Alex before I truly had him, I found what little
closure I could.

**

I
got the first post card two weeks later. It came with a picture of
the city he’d chosen for his start. He’d sent emails on
occasion, but they were few and far between. The longer he was away,
the less connection we’d have. We both knew that, but I think
he was trying to be cordial early on.

He’d
planned to travel for eight months at the very least, so when he
showed up at my doorstep twelve weeks later, I was confused.

Opening
the door, I didn’t expect to see him there. “Alex?”
It was a nice surprise, but seeing his face took me back to wanting
to be in his arms. I didn’t know how to react. “Please,
come inside,” I said holding the door.

“
I’m
sorry to show up unannounced,” he paused and looked at me.
“When I got to Italy, I felt empty. Without someone to share it
with,” he stopped. “Elle, I don’t want to do this
without you.”

“
Alex?”
I wasn’t sure what to say. Did he want me to jump back into his
arms? I was grateful he thought of me, but just as I was about to
confess my love for him, he walked away. It was a painful experience,
and I wasn’t ready to visit it again.

“
Elle,
I came home because of you,” he started. “I need you in
my life,” he said, his gaze locked on my own.

“
Alex,
I’m not sure what to say,” I admitted. “I thought
we were over. You left,” I said, feeling the tension in the
air. “I’m not sure what you want from me? We keep doing
things halfway, and we never really get there.”

He
nodded, “I know, I know,” he was pacing now. “The
thing is, I couldn’t figure out what was missing. I was sitting
at this little café, at a table outside. I saw this couple,
and this woman made me think of you, and that’s when it struck
me. I’m in love with a woman I walked away from,” he kept
talking. I don’t even know if he realized he’d just said
“in love” out loud.

My
jaw dropped, my heart raced hearing the words, but I let him
continue.

“
The
thing is, seeing her, thinking of you; I knew I needed to come home.
You’re what makes me happy, being around you. Would you
consider doing this thing once again?”

“
I
don’t know,” I said, afraid to truly give in. If I did, I
knew I’d fall fast, I knew how I felt. And yet, just as I was
about to tell him last time, he walked away. I wasn’t sure I
wanted to go through those feelings again. When it came down to it,
Alex was who I wanted in my life, but not the way we’ve been
doing things. I wanted to build a real relationship and these stops
and starts we seemed to be having weren’t working for me.

He
dropped his head, looking to the ground.

“
Alex,
I’m afraid of getting hurt. I don’t think I can go
through that again, not so soon.”

“
I
understand,” he said, and apologized for stopping by
unannounced.

As
he reached the door, I had to stop him, “Alex, wait,” I
couldn’t stand the thought of him walking away. “I love
you,” I whispered, “please don’t go.”

When
he turned around, he saw it in my eyes. “Are you sure?”

I
nodded silently, and as he wrapped his arms around me, our lips came
together in a long, passionate kiss. I needed him, wanted him, and I
wasn’t about to let him walk away again.

Standing
in the foyer, holding on for dear life, I shed my inhibitions and
invited him to bed with me. I’d longed for Alex for longer than
I can say, and in this moment I intended to make him mine.

No
words were spoken, and as he took my hand, together we walked down
the hallway. I turned to look at my new lover, and as he pulled me
into his arms, we shared a knowing kiss. We’d been doing and
saying things we couldn’t take back. Alex pulled back and
looked at me, his hand coming up to my face. Tracing my lips, he
gazed into my eyes and whispered that he loved me. I melted at his
touch, and suckled the tip of one of his fingers that teased my lips.

As
his mouth came to my own, I parted my lips and welcomed him back into
my life. Our kisses grew more heated and as his mouth moved away from
my own, he followed my jawline down to my neck and layered sweet,
soft kisses on me. Milking my skin with his mouth, I arched my back
feeling a tingling sensation of electricity running through me. I was
ready, my body was ready, and together we’d become one.

Alex’s
hands circled my shoulders and then drew a gentle path down my arms,
as his lips played at the curve of my neck. My eyes closed, and I got
lost in the delicious fire rolling through my body. Tipping my head
to the side, I purred as he nuzzled into me. Soft moans escaped my
lips, and I was putty in his hands.

Slowly
his fingers found the buttons on my shirt and with each single button
he undid, I knew we were that much closer to heaven. As he slid the
shirt over my shoulders and down my arms, I let it fall to the floor.
His mouth was moving fast, and found the curve of my breast, pushing
out near the top of my bra. Teasing me, he pulled the fabric back and
let his fingers and tongue play at the edges of the material.

I
reached around to unhook the restraint, and let my bra drop down.
Standing partially naked before Alex, he wasted no time letting me
know how much he wanted to be there. His words, cooing, soft, sweet,
and tender – his hands, his mouth – I was dizzy bathing
in the sensations of lust.

His
lips on my nipple, and his warm mouth against my skin left me
breathless. I felt the dampness between my legs, and ached for him.
Tugging at the edge of his shirt, I helped him pull it over his head.
Pressing my breasts to his chest, we stood locked in an embrace for a
moment.

Alex
gently parted from me, and went back to pleasuring my body. As his
mouth reconnected to my breast, his hands unbuttoned my slacks, and
as we maneuvered them down, I suddenly felt naked and vulnerable.
With my slacks bunched around my feet, and my panties damp from my
arousal, I pulled away for a moment.

“
If
we do this,” I started to stammer, “Will you be mine, or
will you go away again, realizing you still want to travel?”

“
I’m
not going anywhere unless you’re with me,” he confided.
“I need you in my life,” he whispered, quelling my fears,
and returning to his earlier actions.

Stepping
out of my slacks, I pushed them aside with my foot. I watched as he
unbuttoned and unzipped his jeans, and started to slide them down. He
was art in motion. His body was muscled and strong, and as he
undressed and I stood in my panties, we knew there was no stopping
this train.

His
navy boxer briefs hugged him in all the right ways, and as he stood
there, his arousal was obvious. His underwear couldn’t hide the
fact that his erection was desperately trying to escape.

I
smiled, and then slid my panties off. As Alex removed his own, we
climbed onto my bed and made sweet passionate love. Feeling him
penetrate my opening, and thrusting inside of me, I swear I saw
stars, and as his mouth came down on mine our kiss said more than our
words could at that moment.

We
were one, bonding in the most intimate way. As we reached our sexual
peak, I clung tightly to his body, feeling the wave of orgasm rush
through my body. He’d taken me to a primal place I needed to go
with him.

As
we drifted on the high of our love, we curled into each other. Alex’s
fingers played in my hair. “I love you, Elle,” he
whispered in my ear, his warm breath on me.

“
I
love you too, Alex,” I said, more content that I’d been
in ages. I needed this – and for the first time in longer than
I could remember, I felt secure in the knowledge that he was here to
stay. “I think we’re doing things backwards,” I
smiled.

“
Says
who?” Alex broached, “Let’s make our own rules,”
he grinned, pulling me closer to him.

“
Like
invite you into my bed before we’re officially dating again?”
I laughed.

“
Oh,
we’re officially dating again; I decided that back in Italy. I
just didn’t know if you’d take me back.”