Behind Closed Doors (5 page)

I
stood before my closet, feeling like a school girl with a crush. What
would I wear? All those days he stood by my side, I never once
considered that he might notice. I felt like my matching suits were
too stiff for a date, though that’s what he saw me in most
days. I should be better at this. I wanted to call my sister, but
didn’t want to bother her. I’m a grown woman; obviously I
should be able to choose my own clothing, right?

My
head was spinning looking at the row of material, fabric just waiting
to be worn. I had no idea what to wear. I’d never scrutinized
an outfit this way since one of my big events. Even then, I knew what
to rely on. For a first date, I felt lost. Maybe I was overthinking
things. I found a soft, flowing skirt and a flirty silk blouse. Was I
trying too hard?

I
pulled on the outfit and stood before my mirror. Out of habit, I
pulled my hair into a tight, neat bun, and realized how stiff I
looked even in flirty clothing. I loosened the pin holding up my hair
and let if fall into soft cascades to my shoulder. I felt phony and
weird looking at myself. Was this the woman he wanted to see, and why
was this so hard? Staring into the mirror, I felt lost. I can’t
do this – I’m not ready to date.

I
sat on the edge of the bed, and started to dial Alex’s phone. I
need to cancel, this is a mistake. He’s a lovely man, but I’m
not ready. I felt like a fool, embarrassed by thoughts, and wondering
what I was thinking agreeing to the date in the first place.

Before
I could finish dialing, I forced myself to hang up. It’s a date
Elle; don’t make a big deal out of it. It’s just a date,
it doesn’t mean anything.

My
heart was racing and my palms were sweaty. I stood and paced across
the hardwood floor, my feet padding as I walked. Shoes, I need shoes,
I panicked. I pulled out a pair of sexy heels, shoes I rarely wore
these days, and slipped them on. Completing my outfit, I added simple
pearl earrings.

Why
was I so nervous? It’s a date; you’ve been on dates
before. Okay, so maybe it’s been a while, and you were a
married woman, and now you’re divorced and older…I
forced myself to stop the maddening spiral I was on.

I
glanced at the clock, realizing he’d be here soon. Taking a
deep breath, I collected myself, picked up my small clutch bag, and
waited in the living room for the knock at the door.

When
Alex arrived, I opened the door and smiled on seeing him. He was such
a handsome man, and tonight I got to appreciate that. I felt guilty
in the past seeing him as attractive, but now that he stood before
me, and I was a single woman, there was no guilt.

Together
we walked to his car, and settling in after he opened my door, I saw
Alex in an entirely new way. He’d always been my employee, but
now he was a man I’d be getting to know. His black BMW shone,
looking freshly washed. The interior was neat, and looked newly
vacuumed. Was he always this precise, or did he do this for our date,
I wondered.

He
seemed to take pride in little details, so I guessed he was always
like this. I remembered how his shoes were always highly shined, and
his shirts were always crisp.

“
You
look great,” he started as he sat beside me and turned the key
in the ignition.

“
Thank
you,” I blushed.

Making
small talk was new to me after all this time. I was grateful for the
music that played softly in the background. It made up for my
silence. I was at a loss for words, not sure where to start.

His
cologne was masculine and woodsy. I wanted to lean in and smell him
closer, but I restrained the urge. There was something silent and
strong about Alex, I liked it. I’d never noticed his cologne
before, and was curious if he wore the same scent all the years he’d
been working for me.

“
There’s
a great little place down on Elm,” he started. “I made a
reservation. They have a nice selection,” he said. “I
hope that’s okay.”

“
That
sounds nice,” I answered, feeling the awkwardness in the air
between us. There was a mutual attraction, but we didn’t know
what to do with it.

“
Elle,
is this weird for you?” He finally voiced what I’d been
feeling.

I
giggled, “Yeah, a little bit. Is it for you too?”

“
A
little,” he responded and smiled at me. “We’ll get
past that, I hope. This is different than we’re used to.”

“
A
glass of wine should help me relax a bit,” I said softly.

Parking
the car, we walked side by side. He didn’t reach for my hand,
and I didn’t know how close to stand as we waited for our
table. We’d crossed the line from formal to casual, but we were
still getting our footing, trying to figure out what we were to each
other.

Sitting
at the table, the quiet felt deafening. It took us a few starts, but
as the night wore on, and the wine took the edge off, our
conversation found its stride.

Looking
into Alex’s eyes, I noticed the small creases at the corners.
They were distinguished and sexy, aging him just enough. His eyes
were bright and blue, and playing against his darker hair, it was
hard not to be smitten with the sexy man across from me.

He
was quite fascinating once he starting sharing bits about himself. We
laughed and talked and slowly got to know more about one another.

“
May
I,” Alex reached across the table and took my hand. His fingers
traced my own, his skin soft to the touch. Slowly, he let a finger
draw up and down my hand. Speaking cautiously, choosing his words
carefully, “Elle, I’d like to see you again.”

“
I’d
like that,” I said, a smile soft across my lips. I wanted to
kiss him, to feel his soft lips on mine, and yet the moment the
thought drifted through my mind, I blushed. I hadn’t kissed
anyone in a very long time. Embarrassed by my own thoughts, I looked
down.

“
What
is it?” He asked, noticing the change in my demeanor.

“
Oh,
it’s nothing,” I played off.

More
talking and laughter made their way into our evening, and as we
wrapped our date Alex took me home. Like a gentleman, he saw me to
the door. “Thank you for your company,” he said, standing
before me. Lifting his hand to my shoulder, he gently pushed my hair
away from my face.

As
he leaned in to kiss me, a soft, tender, and sweet kiss, I brushed my
lips against his own. As soon as it had started, it stopped. He
didn’t want to push too quickly, and after a quick goodnight
kiss, he was saying good-bye. As he turned around and walked back to
his car, I went inside and let my hand linger up at my lips, thinking
about his sweet kiss one more time.

I
couldn’t stop grinning, and walked into my bedroom, placing my
purse down. As I changed out of my dressier clothes, I thought back
on our date. It was a nice evening. There wasn’t a lot of
pressure, and while it got off to a slow start, we seemed to have
found our stride. And when he kissed me - I smiled thinking back on
the moment. His lips were soft, and while he was confident and
forward, he didn’t push for too much, too fast. It was the
perfect end to a lovely evening.

After
changing, I curled up on the sofa and thought about the night. Alex
looked great in his crisp button down shirt and navy slacks. I could
barely take my eyes off of his broad shoulders and his gorgeous eyes.
Glancing over, I noticed the little red light blinking on my
answering machine.

With
a smile, I pushed the button, wondering if he’d called while I
was in the other room, and didn’t hear it. Maybe he was calling
to say he had a nice time. What a nice surprise.

When
I heard Harry’s voice, I froze. The tension locked up my
shoulders almost immediately. “We need to talk,” he spat
out. “I’m sure you saw the news, and I missed the bid
thanks to you. I hope you’re happy, you’ve flat lined my
career.”

What
was there to talk about? He made his choices. I deleted the message
and chose not to return his call. I knew our divorce might touch his
campaign and bid for Vice Presidency. He was on the short list, but
with the timing of our marriage crumbling, it didn’t look good
for the party. I refused to carry any guilt – he’d
betrayed our marriage vows, not me.

My
mood changed considerably, and I was angry with Harry for taking that
away from me. I’d just enjoyed my first date, a lovely date –
but now instead of thinking about the blissfully sweet evening; I was
lingering on how much I was annoyed with my ex-husband. Not only had
he treated me coldly and walked all over me, he’d slept around
and moved out of our bedroom permanently. I had nothing left to say
to the man.

I
sat contemplating my life, and realized maybe I was moving too
quickly. Picking up the phone, I dialed. Hearing Alex’s voice,
my shoulders softened from their previous stiffened state. “Hi
Alex, I’m sorry to bother you so soon.”

“
No
problem, Elle, what is it?”

“
Alex,
I had a nice time tonight. You’re a great guy, sweet,
attractive, but I’ve been thinking maybe it’s too soon.”

“
I
see, Elle. Was it something I said or did?” he asked. “Were
you uncomfortable that I kissed you? I should have asked first.”

“
Oh
Alex, no, it’s not you at all. I think I just have some
unresolved things to work through, and I’m not ready to bring
that baggage into a relationship. I’m just not ready to date.”

“
I
see,” he said. “I understand. If you decide you’re
ready again, please let me know.”

“
Do
you think I’m being silly?” The question was out before I
could stop it.

“
I
think you know what’s best for you,” he answered simply.

“
Alex,
I don’t know what’s best for me, honestly. I’m
confused,” I admitted.

Sitting
and talking on the phone, the words flowed, and the conversation
carried on for two more hours. There was comfort between us, and
before hanging up the phone, Alex asked me out again. I accepted,
feeling better about my decision. I was ready to move forward –
and was ready for a second date.

It
felt weird to be putting myself out there again, and so openly with
Alex. He’d been the man who silently stood by my side, watching
out for me, and there was something comforting to spend time with him
again. I felt safe with him.

We
made plans for a picnic lunch the following weekend, and I went to
sleep that night with pleasant thoughts of our upcoming date. My hand
instinctively went back to my lips, when I thought about him kissing
me. I wanted him to kiss me again.

I
woke with a start, hearing the banging on my door. Checking the
clock, trying to clear my head, I felt groggy. It was 3AM and way too
late for anyone to be here. I lumbered out of bed, and pulled a robe
around me. Heading to the door, I looked through the peek hole and
groaned seeing my drunken ex-husband standing there.

“
What
do you want?” I said, glaring at the man who obviously had
trouble standing up.

“
It
was a mistake, I was wrong,” he started, and pushed his way
through.

“
Harry,
it’s three in the morning, you need to leave. You didn’t
drive, did you?” I started.

“
No,
my car is out front,” he stammered.

“
Did
you make Reggie or Wayne wake up for this?” I shook my head.

“
They
get paid to drive me, Elle,” he said, slightly annoyed.

“
What
do you want? It’s late,” I asked again.

“
We
need to fix things, get back together,” he said, laying it out
on the table.

“
Excuse
me?” I was stunned. He was obviously not in his right mind, but
did he seriously think I’d take him back?

“
Married,
we should get married again. I need you,” he stuttered.

“
You
don’t need me,” I said, and then it hit me. “Ah,
you’re coming up for re-election,” I finally caught on.

“
It’s
not the same for divorced politicians. People judge you, and want
stable families in office,” he spoke like all that mattered was
his public image. “We can fix this, say it was a mistake.”

“
Harry,
you need to leave,” I said, trying to escort him back to the
door. Instead, he spun away from my hand, and started to look around.

“
So
this is the new place,” he said, making himself at home.