Beyond Tantra: Healing Through Taoist Sacred Sex (26 page)

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The Understanding and Background

Because higher and higher unions of Yin and Yang are necessary for the conception of higher life, some students may be instructed in the art of dual cultivation, in which Yin and Yang are directly integrated in the art of sexual intercourse. If genuine virtue and true mastery come together the practice can bring about a profound balancing of the student’s gross and subtle energies.

—Lao Tzu

The idea of setting aside some time for sex is not totally foreign to most people but, unfortunately, it often happens that the plan is not agreed to by both parties. How many dates or evenings start out with one person thinking it would be great to have sex later on only to find that, when it comes to it, the other person is not at all interested? For many people, especially women, it’s simply not acceptable or comfortable to agree ahead of time that sex is on the agenda. Often there needs to be an elaborate ritual first or, in a worst case scenario, alcohol or drugs are used to overcome inhibitions or to gain consent from an otherwise unwilling partner. Neither of these situations is conducive to Sacred Sex as they both involve blocks to open and clear communication.

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Beyond Tantra – Healing Through Taoist Sacred Sex The alternative to this ‘hit and miss’ approach to sex is for both partners to schedule a Sacred Sex session together. A Sacred Sex session is time (usually 2 to 4 hours although it could be a whole weekend) you reserve to work in a structured way with everything you have learned about trust, communication, touch and Sexual Qi generation and circulation. Agreeing a time and place for Sacred Sessions together is, in our experience, a very important step in saying ‘Yes’ and is just as important as practising daily with Morning and Evening Prayer. By doing this you acknowledge that Dual Cultivation is an important activity that needs, and is worthy of, a special place and time in both of your lives. In Eastern cultures there is a long tradition of Sacred Sessions and there were even temples dedicated to providing a place for this activity. It is one of the sadder aspects of Western culture that such a fundamental and wonderful activity has often been relegated to dark rooms with the lights out. Sacred Sex sessions are a wonderful antidote to this.

Stephan’s Story

This business of having sex with a woman had, for me, always been a slightly stressful exercise. Does she really want to make love with me? Do I actually know what I’m doing? What does she want and do I know how to provide this, etc.? I know, I should just have learned to relax and enjoy myself but I’m a bit of a perfectionist and used to set ridiculously high standards for myself. Add this onto a slightly compulsive nature and you’ve got a recipe for disaster when it comes to having a good, relaxed love-making session.

When I first read about the idea of a Sacred Session I immediately saw the beauty of it. The idea of having some sort of a structure really appealed to me. I understood instantly that this would give me a chance to do a bit of preparation to hopefully ensure a good outcome. I really did work hard to get ready including doing some ‘Tongue Kung-fu’ exercises, locating and purchasing high-quality lube, ordering special Tantric music, etc.

The time for our first Session arrived and I set up all the bits and pieces, lit a fire and put on the music. We went through our plan, which was not very ambitious since this was our first session, after all. We started off just fine.

Unfortunately, at one point I started to get excited and decided to jump ahead.

‘Hold on,’ Mieke said. ‘That’s not what we agreed to do.’

Whoops. All of a sudden I realized that something new had just happened.

In all of our love-making until then I had pretty much led the way (even if I didn’t always know what I was doing!). It’s not that Mieke was passive but we had never had any sort of communication in place where she could say what she

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wanted, and I guess I’d never really asked either.

What we discovered was that having a plan for our Sacred Sex session created an opportunity for Mieke to have a clear input into what we were doing in each session
and
a chance to hold me accountable to it. It wasn’t about making me wrong; it was about making sure that we were on an equal footing. As a result, the Sacred Sex sessions turned out be a real turning point in how we related to each other in other areas of our lives as well. We soon discovered that our relationship works much better when we both have input and accountability in our decision-making process. Surprise, surprise!

Mieke’s Story

Sacred Sex sessions are very different from our daily cultivation practices. We make time for them once or twice a week. The kids know what we’re up to, and the phone is off the hook!

These sessions are our own creations. Together we shape our space around the fire place, sort out music, incense and find nice oils for massage. In the beginning, we actually took time to plan the evening. We carefully followed the plan, to make sure we would not get carried away so that each one of us would receive the attention we deserved, in more or less equal proportions. Somehow this was really important for us. When we were young, and ‘in love’ it was easy to take the time for foreplay, but after all these years, this was not happening anymore.

I had thoughts like: ‘Let’s get on with this business of sex, and get it over and done with’ or ‘Unfortunately, another item on my list of things to do.’ In my mind, this way of thinking had slowly crept in because somewhere along the way we had started to take each other for granted. We each had expectations that we had not checked out for a while. I also felt I could not live up to Stephan’s expectations.

When we followed the plan, there was no need to worry, or feel inadequate.

Knowing the evening was planned helped me greatly to relax much more. First of all, the focus was not straightaway on excitement, sex or orgasm. We took plenty of time to be with each other, massage, breathe, and really go slowly. I found areas of tension in Stephan that he did not know he had, and vice versa. I loved giving my full attention to Stephan, and then totally enjoyed having his attention on me. I realized I needed to know that I was going to get this kind of attention and plenty of time to stop my mind from racing ahead, thinking of all the things that needed doing. Often I felt I was suspended in a bubble of love and relaxation that went very deep and where time had stopped. My great discovery was that out of this deep sense of space and timelessness came an arousal

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Beyond Tantra – Healing Through Taoist Sacred Sex I had not known before. It built up slowly, and almost exploded in ecstasy. This was a wonderful gift which made me feel very special again, and made me appreciate Stephan’s efforts. I’m grateful to Stephan for his stubbornness and perseverance. It was well worth putting in the work for it!

Sacred Sex Session Exercise

Goal

Learn how to structure a Sacred Sex session
Duration

Two to four hours.

What you’ll need

Uninterrupted time and your Sacred Sex space. Some nice bathrobes or wraps.

Description

PLAN YOUR TIME TOGETHER

This may sound counter-intuitive but, in our experience, Sacred Sex works better if you plan it. Most people don’t plan their sexual activities; it just sort of happens. Although this can be great fun as you just ‘go with the flow’, it also leaves a lot of space for uncertainty, hesitancy and possible miscommunication which can put a real damper on proceedings. If you decide exactly what you are going to do it creates a lot more safety for both parties and actually makes it much easier to relax. Does this mean there is no room for spontaneity? Not at all. What we found worked well was to plan the first hour and then check in and see what we should do next. Sometimes things were flowing so much we just decided to have a good time and ignore any structures for the last part of our session; at other times we realized that we had had enough and just wanted to cuddle a bit in front of the fire, while most of the time we actually followed a plan

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for the whole evening. The important thing, especially in the beginning, was that we had the safety of knowing that there was a clear opportunity to re-evaluate how things were going and adjust if necessary.

Here’s what a plan might look like:

• Greeting, blessing and a short meditation.

• Some dancing to favourite music to loosen up a bit.

• A back massage with special attention to any areas of tension that need working on.

• A Yoni massage for the woman.

• A Jade Stalk massage for the man.

• Valley orgasm work.

• Relaxation and bonding.

• Something to drink and a shower.

If you’ve never had a session before, it might make sense to discuss your plan before your actual date. This way you can both relax as you both know what you’ve agreed to do. You can also ensure in good time that you’ve got everything you’ll need in terms of oil, candles and other bits and pieces.

CREATE YOUR SACRED SPACE

Make a date ahead of time. There is something special that happens when you know a few days before your session that you’re going to have some time with your partner to work with your Sexual Qi. You might even try doing something like sending some flowers or leaving a little note or whisper in your beloved’s ear ‘I’m really looking forward to tomorrow!’ This is especially nice to do if, as can happen, you’ve been together long enough that you might just be taking each other a bit for granted. This is a chance to get out of that rut and rekindle the excitement you felt in the beginning of your relationship. Even if you’re not in a rut, it’s still nice to be wanted and appreciated!